where are You Poppa God...?

This last week I think I have been in a state of confusion...well I will say week because I could honestly go back for my life as long as I can remember anyways & find many, many more times of feeling lost & overwhelmed. But this last week, well I think I may have spent more time crying & feeling sorry for myself, than I have in a while...well maybe not a long while, maybe more like little a bit. I know God has dragged me out of this kind of chaos, kicking & screaming...or sobbing & begging, many times in the past...actually a very recent past. I recognized the signs of me choosing control again & I knew that each of these choices would feed into the chaos in some way. Yet I chose what felt good to me...even in the light of God's prompting His plan, I chose my comfort...again. I started planning my path again. A path that would bring me much worldly satisfaction. Instead of walking hand in hand with Him...I chose to let go & chose to continue on my own. 

I honestly thought I was totally prepared for anything that the ruler of this world could throw at me...I had just learned the hard way last time that becoming distracted by the desires of my heart & ignoring the work God's doing in not only me, but those I love...would cause a domino type effect in all our lives...from my Sweet Hubby down the line to my grandprincess...it would bring pain, frustration & distance. Of course I learned from my last choices, but these choices looked different...they were wrapped in new circumstances.  So it wasn't what I was looking for, not like last time.

I know one of my biggest sins is control. In my life I have always disguised this sin as anything but a sin...I never wanted to admit I was hiding a sin. The deeper Poppa God walks me into this valley...the more I'm realizing pride is at the core of it. Not like "I'm better than you" type of pride, but more of a "let me do it, I can do it better" kind of pride. 

We just moved this past weekend. Of course I'm still moving in. But we got the stuff moved from the old house to the new house. 

Change is difficult for me. Usually I resemble a toddler throwing a fit when I find out about a huge change. I lose my filter & forget to taste my words before I spit them out & definitely lose sight of them as God sees them...instead I think about myself & blow up. I get mad, then sad...then I start crying to God about this or that...then completely ignore His prompting to focus on His plan. 

In the end I realize I'm only delaying the inevitable...His perfect plan. The doors He's closing lead to doors He's opening...and when God closes a door, He ALWAYS replaces it with a better door.

While it was extremely difficult to get most of a 4 bedroom house packed up and find a home to move to in 30 days, God provided a bigger, better home for my family!!! He moved us near friends & released us from a bondage that I shared over 5 years ago would happen...I am learning that when I hear God whisper...to listen. Do not plug my ears like a toddler throwing a fit because God's plan doesn't match mine. Or when He's asking me for something not to throw a fit & stomp my feet & hold on tighter...my peace comes with letting God have control of the plan...and ALL I have to do is listen to His whispers...step out in faith, DON'T doubt God's whispers...remember Gods plan will always line up with God's word...not the ways of this world...

If I had listened & stood firm in my faith & His gift of discernment...I could've saved a lot of heartache & received the blessings He had for me...like a nice deep soaking tub...I haven't had a tub in about 6 1/2 years...in our new house He did give me that soaking tub & finally tonight I was able to enjoy it. 

In his grace, God has given us different gifts for doing certain things well. So if God has given you the ability to prophesy, speak out with as much faith as God has given you.

Romans 12:6 NLT

Beyond the storm...someone is waiting

Meanwhile, the disciples were in trouble far away from land, for a strong wind had risen, and they were fighting heavy waves. About three o’clock in the morning[a] Jesus came toward them, walking on the water. When the disciples saw him walking on the water, they were terrified. In their fear, they cried out, “It’s a ghost!” But Jesus spoke to them at once. “Don’t be afraid,” he said. “Take courage. I am here!”Then Peter called to him, “Lord, if it’s really you, tell me to come to you, walking on the water.” “Yes, come,” Jesus said. So Peter went over the side of the boat and walked on the water toward Jesus. But when he saw the strong wind and the waves, he was terrified and began to sink. “Save me, Lord!” he shouted. Jesus immediately reached out and grabbed him. “You have so little faith,” Jesus said. “Why did you doubt me?”When they climbed back into the boat, the wind stopped. Then the disciples worshiped him. “You really are the Son of God!” they exclaimed.

                                                 Matthew 14:24-33 NLT

This Mother's Day weekend is bittersweet for me. I'm walking a storm as a woman that seems to be lingering. This holiday weekend I will be blessed to celebrate the gifts Poppa God has placed perfectly in my heart...with my 2 sons. The youngest is enjoying some much needed space at a friends so far...but my oldest, the one I've grown up beside, is here with me...though I know he would much rather be celebrating with his son & his mama, one day soon...I believe. So far we've made it to the first night's release of a great super hero movie, then headed to the gym for a 45 minute workout. Then enjoyed dinner while we watched a couple of sitcoms...one that was like looking into the mirror. Which is not a good thing at times...but it is necessary...but in His true faithfulness, Poppa God wrapped that throat punch in laughter...I'm so grateful that He knows me, He sees ME through my heart...not the outside package...I see His grace. After our nourishing dinner & Him giving me some much needed heart nourishment to chew on during my workout. We worked out for an hour and a half...it was refreshing, releasing & revealing.

So this weekend there are many that will be missed...more than I can put into words. My beautiful oldest daughter is in Missouri...this summer I am hoping that Poppa God has a plan for me to get to see her beautiful face & hug her sweet self...right before I hug my oldest grandson. I need some of your example of such patience again!! You are a wonderful mommy, I am so proud of you!! You are missed my sweet girl, Happy Mother's Day to you...I love you both to the moon & back. I wont be blessed to see my youngest grandson's mama & his sister...I am currently in prayer for a plan to see y'all this summer too. J...I just want to tell you that I am so proud of all you do...you are an amazing mama!!  I miss you my girl. I love you, you are my daughter, God brought you through a gift from Him. Thank you for your patience, thank you for not holding my mistakes against me. Happy Mother's Day to you beautiful mama. I love & miss y'all more than my words could describe. My little sister is in Heaven celebrating with those moms we love that have passed on...Miss ya Sis' Happy mama's day.

There are 3 more that I am pretty sure I won't be seeing this year...my mom, my youngest daughter & her daughter, my grandprincess...in these 3 sweet names I've failed at love too many times to count. In these 3 names I loved too much...too many times to count. While they are not the ONLY names I have failed...at the moment I'm walking through what I can only describe as a continuous monsoon. I have just recently been still enough to hear what my Poppa God has been repeating for longer than I care to admit..."it's the same storm my girl, just wrapped in a different situation...it's ALWAYS the same question, Do you trust Me?" Oh my goodness, this was right in front of me since I was born. This is ALL He asks of me...to trust in Him. Really trust in Him. It's like all the pieces to a puzzle suddenly revealed themselves at one time!!  Proverbs 3:5-6 ...  Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.

I finally learned this is not negotiable...I cant pick and choose when to trust Him...He doesn't say, trust me when it's convenient, when it's easy, when you want...it says to trust Him with ALL my heart, seek His will in ALL I do & He will show me where to go. I have read this verse over the last 10 years at least...I found Jesus over 10 years ago...I just realized this in the last few days. I looked back in my mind to the bigger storms I walked through & survived...even at times when I really shouldn't have...even before I found Jesus, He was putting this puzzle together. 

So this puzzle part came together last weekend when I was blessed to hear a wonderful man of God. He was a guest speaker & God spoke a mighty word through him...He showed me the door in my current storm. This door was one I didnt want to open, mostly because I knew it would be painful...it's obedience. I've been following my emotions, that made it easier to hold onto the anger & hurt. It made it "ok" to be unforgiving...to remember all the sins of both my mother & my youngest daughter...but forget all my sins. 

I am honestly missing my mother, she was a big part of my life. I truly love her. Maybe I have some expectations of her that will never be met. Maybe I will never meet her expectations...until now I have not. This has been a struggle all of my life. I have to specifically pray about this relationship, continually. The reality is that this relationship molded the mother I am. Not that it is all bad, after all I did learn that giving is much better than receiving from my mother. Not just that many more that I hold in my heart. This Mother's Day I pray that she has a beautiful day & gets to spend it just how she would like to. I pray her pain is eased, that she makes it to hear a word from God to celebrate her Mother's Day. I know I wont be talking to her, but I will be praying for her, always. Happy Mother's Day Mom, if you see this, I hope you know I love you & lift your name to God. 

The biggest, strongest, darkest part of this storm has been the feeling of my heart being torn in half...one half that is angry with my little girl & the other that is broken...I have been lifting the part that hurts me & holding onto the part that hurts her...she is a mom this holiday too...but more than likely her sweet girl will only spend it with the moms on the other side of the family...my grandprincess wont be able to hug her mommy's neck & kiss her after telling her how much she loves her and is glad shes her mommy...she will cry. Nona will be crying too. Crying for her, crying with her & more than that I will be crying for my sweet daughter who I know is crying. I know she's crying because she is a mommy without her sweet girl. 

That is the door Poppa God is asking me to open & walk through...obeying Him as He reminds me that He loves my grandprincess more than I do...I can not believe that is possible, but it is truth...He reminds me that He has her, He has a plan for her...His plans are NEVER to harm her...but to give her hope and a future...all she has to do is seek Him. There it is...the throat punch...SHE has to seek Him. He didnt say I could seek Him for her, she has to seek Him herself. So even at barely 5 years old my sweet grandprincess is learning to obey God, though she wont understand it until later, He is teaching her to seek Him in her storms of life. When her mommy suddenly isnt home...when she doesnt hear a word from her mommy, when she cries for her mommy...Poppa God will wrap His mighty arms around my sweet grandprincess & comfort her with His peace as He gently weeps with her.

My sweet daughter will be crying too, I know her heart for being a mommy...not just any mommy the one who loves her princess with her deepest heart. I have asked myself many times over the last couple of months...why? Why would she walk away, what is her problem?? I didn't raise her to leave her princess...I have went from blaming her to blaming me...I have felt guilt so deep my groans were the only thing I could lift as I sobbed uncontrollably...in my mind screaming up to my Poppa God....WHY LORD WHY!!???? 

In the silence of His answer I hurt for my grandprincess...but in my anger I forgot that my daughter is hurting. Before she left she told me "you are just like grammy, you dont love me, you love my daughter...you dont want me, you just want my daughter"...those words have echoed in my mind every since. I have used words towards myself that I would never repeat to another person...I have blamed myself & I have blamed my daughter...but I have not thought about hurting for her...I was too busy hurting for myself...feeling sorry for me. 

During the message last weekend I got my answer...it wasnt all wrapped up with a happy ending, not for now, or maybe ever. But it was my answer...the pastor said, "if you dont obey God someone else on the other side wont get what God has for them...they will be there waiting."  The moment he spoke these words I saw my little girl waiting on the other side of a horrible storm...holding her hand up like she was waiting to be tagged in...or maybe out. Then I heard Him gently whisper, "if you dont let go of this, she will be left waiting...I have a plan for her...she will not seek me if you are in her way. Step back & love her from a distance...I got her, I love her more than you ever will, you cant save her, only I can." 

I sobbed as I surrendered my girl. I still cry at the thought of it. But my Poppa God reminds me He is always here...and there. 

So for you my little girl, Happy Mommy's Day...God gave me a Verse for you...If you are lost, God will find you. Luke 19:10...I pray your day is filled with God's will & peace. I am sorry for who I used to be...but I am not that person anymore. I am redeemed, you are too beautiful. I still pray you will reach out to hear your princess's voice this day created to celebrate the gift of being a mommy to God's sweet one...I will NEVER lose my hope that you will find your way back because I  know that ALL who wander are not lost...He has you name in His book of life, already...I love you forever & ever Amen.

Are you trying to be storm free or storm proof?

This weekend's word was one of the biggest throat punches I have had in quite awhile. Although it was powerful, it was covered in love & I heard my Poppa God whisper so many important messages in this hour...I didn't think I would get them all down. Poppa God however gave me just the right amount of time...both during worship & during the wonderful, worry releasing, mind refreshing word He spoke through a guest pastor. I've struggled to sit down & put into words exactly what He shared with me this past Saturday...I wanted to sit right down & get to work, but this week He's opened up even more through the last few days that has made me realize each time that it wasn't the right moment. The moment is finally here. 

I shared last month that Little Girl had chosen not to let me be a part of her life. She is still on the Do Not Disturb list...in other words she isn't answering me, in any form. She is alive & I am glad to have this info. This last month I have gone from searching & complaining & swearing not to care...to crying, begging & finally hearing that ever faithful whisper..."let go, I have her..." This is not a new thing for me. I struggle not to live many peoples lives...not to have to control of every bit of my surroundings...of letting go of every one I love...which has chased away many people that I have cared about...some necessary, others my choice.

So Saturday the guest pastor shared a message about "obedience." This subject is always a red hot potato for those of us who have control issues...me anyways. I look at obedience as a negative state mostly because my mom is a control holder...when I grew up it was perfectly acceptable to use both anger & a weapon of some sort to punish your child...I'm not condemning or condoning, I am simply stating a fact. I will tell you that one of the things I know is that "obedience" has always had a painful, fear driving power over me. Needless to say, I was vulnerable to the enemy's reminders. This time I chose to let Poppa God have my heart & mind...I let Him teach me gently what His obedience looks like...not like the worlds...NOTHING like us or our parents, or their parents thought. Obedience is following Jesus In Matt. 7 Jesus tells us to obey His commands. Learning to let God mold & shape me, to make me what I He created me to be...long before this world was created.

See we see the obedience from others as a way to make us more acceptable to them...to them & their human beliefs, emotions & faults. That is why we fight against it so hard. We are not them. Those of us who have control issues dont have them for no reason...the truth is that I used the same parenting choices with my oldest son & praise God he has chosen a different parenting style...so in his life the cycle was ended. I know that in my past I have been every bit as much of a "control every move" parent, as I had & I honestly have to lift that up to Poppa God. 

*****this was a draft...it's got a good word for me...what about you?