huh?

     A Time for Everything 

For everything there is a season,

    a time for every activity under heaven.

 

A time to be born and a time to die.

    A time to plant and a time to harvest.

 

A time to kill and a time to heal.

    A time to tear down and a time to build up.

 

A time to cry and a time to laugh.

    A time to grieve and a time to dance.

 

A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.

    A time to embrace and a time to turn away.

A time to search and a time to quit searching.

    A time to keep and a time to throw away.

 

A time to tear and a time to mend.

    A time to be quiet and a time to speak.

 

A time to love and a time to hate.

    A time for war and a time for peace.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

Today I found a notebook. It is a spiral notebook so I figured it must belong to one of my kids. Mostly because I really don't use spiral notebooks, I have several journals that I take notes in. I opened it up to the first page and was surprised to see my handwriting...it was titled, "Move Pt 2" and was dated from 4/25/18. I was intrigued by the next line which simply said, "Ecc = huh?" I started to read on and tried desperately to figure out why I was writing in a spiral notebook and when. As I read I realized this was after my little girl had asked me over and over what was so great about Texas. Every reason I gave her just made her dig deeper. I knew that though it was my little girl asking me the questions, God was digging around in my heart and wanted to show me where it was according to His purpose. He already knew what was so great about Texas, and wanted to show me why Texas, for His plans, not mine.

I read on to realize that this was part of the message He's been downloading into me for the last several months. The answer to His question, "Where are you finding your pleasure and happiness?"

I believe many times as people we search high and low for happiness and pleasure. From the newest gadgets, with new homes, or even people, we strive to get our next fix of happiness and pleasure. The problem isn't with having the things, or people, the problem lies within us. As I have gotten closer to God, I am learning that God is the answer to any question I have. Whether it's why did you take her out of my life, or where my happiness comes from. God has the answers.

I have struggled with addiction to food for a good portion of my life. When God gave me the answer for this struggle a few years ago, I was shocked to see how easy the changes were in my eating habits. Though I didn't know that He was the strength in my ability to stop smoking cigs, and giving up the massive quantity of pills the drs would throw at me to "help" me, I now realize it was ALWAYS Him. When I tried on my own to give up anything that brought me temporary pleasure and happiness, I would fall back into them quickly. But as God walks me out of these struggles I realize that they are just masking what He's asking me to do...surrender ALL of me to Him. 

So as I have walked and continue to walk with Him through surrendering each piece of me that doesn't look like Him, I am learning that though it may hurt for a moment, the wisdom is for a lifetime. If I keep moving in the direction He's leading me. Recently I was surprised to hear about some I dearly care about are walking a path of seeking pleasure and happiness in places, things and people. Instantly I want to "fix" them, but God. He knows that there is a season for everything and He knows that being the flesh we are, we will search high and low to find relief from the pain or heartache in something, someone or even in what drs say will help us find our "happiness" again.

I have much experience in this area, I have walked the "easy" path too many times to count in the past. I have looked for my happiness and pleasure everywhere except where it is, on the other side of the struggle. It's hard to walk through the pain of loss, or hand over the things that we have held onto for our happiness. But the only way to the other side is through the heartache and loss. Not that everyone makes it to the other side in the same manner, or the same timing...only God has perfect timing.  But when we are looking to something, anything out side of God to find that peace...we will only find temporary relief. Because God is the ONLY place to find the indescribable peace that we are each searching for.

Though I want to fix those I love and give them the peace they are looking for in food, sex, or even drugs...I can't only God can. I do however get to help in what this world calls a "not so practical" way...I get to pray for them. For me this is the highest honor. 

So please if you're seeking happiness, a good mood, or energy and pleasure anywhere but from God, know that I am praying for you. Praying that you will find the happiness and pleasure in the perfect peace from God that He will carry you through what ever it is that has you searching in things of this world in. One more thing before I sign off...

When you get to the plateau of whatever you're using to make you feel good, and you get to the place where you think you will find happiness...if it's not of God, or from God...and you hear yourself saying, "huh?" please, please reach out for the ONLY One who will love you and Who knows the depth of the hurt and ask Him to walk you through.

Unpacking...

I am in the midst of chaos...mostly because I moved from one state to another a couple months ago. It feels like I just moved yesterday...everyday. I had prayed for about 5 years for God to move us to Texas...but for the last 3 of those years I was double minded about this move. I wanted to move forward with God, but felt stuck where I was because of the decision of one person, that disrupted the entire world we all knew. But God, He hasn't nor will He ever, leave me in the pit of self destruction...and when He said move...I finally realized it didn't matter how much I wanted my life back, it was not His plan and where He puts a period I can not change it to a question mark. I fought hard not to leave the state that my grandprincess was locked in a tower of silence for the last 3 years...but God's plans are to bring me hope and a future...so here we are, Texans. She is still locked away in her own tower, I pray she's happier than the last time I saw her...I know she knows God and even though they don't allow her to learn more about that love, God will protect her faith, even though I can't. So He has asked me to trust Him and pray for them, as I move forward which is a huge step in my faith. 

The last almost month, I have not even known where my laptop was to sit down and try to share all God's done in my life through the retreat I went to in March. There is so much left unsaid...but God will move through me in His perfect peace...and in His perfect timing. So, I wanted to jot down a word that He gave me recently, until He starts to share a message from the retreat He blessed me with for my 52nd birthday.

When God took me to my first retreat with MYRRH Ministries all those years ago, He showed me where He would take me when He took me out of the exile I was in...Texas. The people here in the south are just different. I know that is true of every part of the country. The south, however, is truly my land of milk & honey. I have been in the desert for so long that when I made it here, I was met with a similar view...until I got to the town God had for me. Where there was rock and cactus, there is now grass and trees. When I smiled and shared a "hello" with a stranger there, I was met with either a shocked look, or just ignored...it wasn't very often I was met with a smile and joyful, "hello"...but here, well I am surprised with the reactions, they are not shocked, and do not ignore...but more often than not, I receive a joyful, "Hello."  I won't say that those from the desert never had a joyful, "hello" response, but most times they didn't. I don't look at them and think negatively, I just recognize that I wasn't where God wanted me...I was where I wanted to be. Or rather, where I was planted as a child.

More than just the reactions to a hello, Texas is a land of growth for me. God brought me to the "Bible belt" knowing what His plans are for me. The reality is I still have to act on His direction. I can't sit in my house and whine about what should be, could be, or would be...I have to make the choice to listen to His guidance and move according to them. This is just what I am finally starting to do here in my new home. 

I love The Passion Translation's, John 10:9-11

I am the Gateway. To enter through me is to experience life, freedom, and satisfaction. A thief has only one thing in mind—he wants to steal, slaughter, and destroy. But I have come to give you everything in abundance, more than you expect—life in its fullness until you overflow! I am the Good Shepherd who lays down my life as a sacrifice for the sheep.

There's NO denying God's plans in this beautiful paragraph. God didn't strip me away from the desert exile to take me away from an abundant life, no He rescued me from the daily pain and double minded arguing with myself and Holy Spirit. He knew that the position of my heart was keeping me imprisoned in a life of "what if" or "if only"...in the prison of bitterness and anger that had taken over my life. He knew that nothing I could do would save me from the enemy in myself. He sent His Son to save me from the wretch that is buried in me...the pieces that kept me away from the abundant life He has for me. 

Today, I still have unpacking to do and I still have people asking me "are you unpacked yet?" At first I slipped back into myself and felt "less than" because I am not on their time schedule...but God, He reminded me that He uses others to keep me moving sometimes...so now I look around and say, "no not all the way" and look up and say "thank You Poppa, for not leaving me in my pit. Give me the desire and energy to keep up with Your steps and plans."

I am very happy to share that the TRUE forgiveness God was asking me to receive for those hiding my grandprincess in her HIGH tower, is complete. I have taken my shattered heart to my LORD and He gave me a new one to live in...I don't understand why He asked me to accept this journey, but I know that He is healing my shattered heart and only He can give me the life of abundance He has for me. So I will not question, I will simply enjoy the gift He has given me and continue to pray for everyone involved. After all, LOVE is NOT an emotion, it's a way of life.

Breathed...not spoken.

This weekend while I was enjoying worshiping and singing praise to my LORD, this picture flashed through my mind...

Instantly I was distracted from praising and worshiping by the same thought I had when I saw it for the first time..."I look terrible..." This thought took my focus for a moment...but God took this opportunity to remind me who I am. Not only did He remind me of my lineage, but He also whispered, "I see the real you...the princess I created." With this whisper He brought this picture to mind...when I first saw this one, I felt beautiful.

Then He said, "I see who you are, I see beauty when I look at you. I see your heart of love for me, the joy in your heart as you lift praise up and worship with singing and dancing. The enemy wants you to see yourself as ugly while you worship me. He knows you will become self conscience again and worry about how you look. When you look at yourself through his eyes you see what he wants you to see. Look through My eyes and see the beauty from ashes you are." I wish I could explain the freedom in this bit of truth. I smiled wide and sang louder and more joyful. I knew God had a great day of directions planned and He started with the first worship, to get me started with my heart in a position to hear just what He had to share. Not just hear it and forget it, but let Him really etch this truth in my heart. 

This weekend God shared a truth with me that I have never even thought about.  I have read these verses and heard these verses many times in the past...but never with the same meaning as God gave me this time. This time, He made transparent a much deeper truth through the amazing prophet, Pastor Tim Beal. God has spoken so boldly through this teacher, who's willingness to share God's message is so evident. Every time God has blessed me with wisdom through his teaching. So thank you Pastor for your heart to not see anyone left behind. 

Then God said, “Let the earth produce every sort of animal, each producing offspring of the same kind—livestock, small animals that scurry along the ground, and wild animals.” And that is what happened. 

Genesis 1:24 NLT

Then the Lord God formed the man from the dust of the ground. He breathed the breath of life into the man’s nostrils, and the man became a living person.

Genesis 2:7 NLT

When I first glance at these verses I see the beginning of life. That God created the living creatures and He created man. I have not really looked deeply into these. I just believe that God created it all, us all, and called it all good...This weekend Pastor Tim brought these to life and brought truth to how God loves us so much. He truly set us apart, right from the beginning. Now I hope I can share what I have learned with you and I pray God will speak through this shared wisdom.

In Genesis God outlines how He is the Creator of all things. He started in Genesis 1:1 with these words...In the beginning God created the Heavens and the earth. From there each day for 6 days God adds to His creation. Speaking everything living thing into existence...everything except people. Let that sink in. I am not saying that God didn't create us in those 6 days, I am saying that He didn't speak us into existence. For us God chose to get down into the dirt and shape us from the dirt...and He could have just said, "now breathe." That wasn't what He chose. Instead it says, "He breathed the breath of life into him..." This truth dug down into the deepest parts of me where it planted itself preparing to become a harvest not only for me...but whoever heard that message...whoever hears this message.

In my notes that morning I wrote, "God speaks and His voice transforms (creates) God speaks life into everything living creatures. But He breathed His OWN breath into us for life." From the beginning we are set apart from everything else He creates. He made us in His Own image and He gave us His breath. Wow for me this was a great eye opener. I don't know if I ever really thought about just how much love and detail God put into creating me...He looks at me like I look at my kids...proud. He doesn't see the 50+ year old double, hanging chin, no He looks at me singing and dancing and handing my heart to Him and He smiles and looks around to those who surround Him and He points at me and says, "oh the joy in my beautiful princess!! I love her!!!" He beams like I do with my kids. 

He doesn't look at the outside, no He looks deep into me and knows who I really am. He sees the surrender in my heart and the excitement in my actions. Because I choose His Son, and to believe in Him without seeing Him, I am covered by the blood of Jesus. He sees me through Jesus. In Jesus, I am completely covered by God's grace. He has forgotten all my sins, period. Grace erases sin, and receiving grace is easy. However, walking in it takes some learning. We get so used to worrying about what others think, we forget that none of that matters. We forget that in this broken world we are all searching for the same things, happiness, love and purpose. I think it can be easy to get so lost in the chaos in our own little bubbles, that we forget that others are going through stuff too. That's just what the enemy wants. He knows that if he keeps us distracted in our stuff, we will be too busy to help others and extend the grace they need. He knows if we get the chance to extend God's grace to someone, an "invisible" God will suddenly become "visible" to them in their stuff and that will disrupt his entire schemes.

Today, let's disrupt satan's schemes. Let's stop looking around and look up. Let's praise with everything we are, and bring joy to our LORD. So, if you're busy looking around during worship, maybe you should be looking up, letting go and lifting praise to God. After all, He chose to breathe His very own breath into us, when He could've just spoken us into existence.