Thursday, March 29, 2018

Messengers by the light of the fire...



Then I heard the Lord asking, “Whom should I send as a messenger to this people? Who will go for us?”

I said, “Here I am. Send me.”

Isaiah 6:8 NLT


Each evening there was a campfire time. At the first 2 campfires there were some mighty powerful messengers from God. They came to share their battles with us when the sun was long gone and the moon was tiny and high in the sky. The lighting was perfect for the messages God wanted to share through them. It was more of a glow than bright lights. I think that maybe those were the testimonies God had that not everyone knew about. The kinds of messages that were shared by the campfire with the sisters God personally sat on each rock. Some of us understood exactly what God was saying, and others may have had to take a question or two to God before they understood.

The messenger for the first campfire was G. I have been blessed to hear her speak before and I have seen her at all the other retreats I am pretty sure. She is one of the leadership team for MYRRH Ministries. She is a powerful warrior for God!! She's amazing and bold. I look forward to her hugs and hearing her laughter. That night was a different G. She was definitely a messenger on a mission. I listened intently as she reached into some of the most painful times in her life...inside I was in complete unity with God as He whispered, "let it go. you have held onto this for too long, it's time to let it go. forgive them even though they weren't sorry. this bitterness is costing you too much. it's too distracting, it happened you were innocent, let it go my daughter." I felt the piece of brokenness  that I had held onto for about 48 years drop. I was innocent. This was a futile attempt by the enemy to destroy the little girl I was and for many years he succeeded at holding these feelings hostage deep inside my heart, but God. He loves me too much to leave me in that pit of self loathing that I was sinking into. 

After G finished I walked over to her and hugged her. I knew God wanted me to boldly get up and go hug His sweet, brave messenger. With that hug I prayed she could feel His love and how grateful I was for her.

The second night I had my second wind, I had slept and I had woken up in Robin's birthday land...where everyone was happy to celebrate the day God brought me here. I will share more with you about my birthday, but today I want to share the amazing story of God's campfire messengers. The second night was a pretty personal night. It was MJ. I will call this wonderful messenger MJ. She shared a personal story that I hadn't heard. It happened before I came to my first retreat...at least some of it had.

She shared about losing her and her hubby's bff's...both were lost within less than 2 years. She talked about their relationship and how much she missed them. She then shared the message God had for her...and me. See her friends had asked her and her husband to do something that she accepted easily, thinking that she would never have to actually follow through. This world there are battles that we never think we are going to be in...until we are. I know her story was different then mine, but God intertwined His message in her testimony. A message I have been running from. A forgiving I will never get, that has to be ok. The forgiveness I offer will never be accepted and that also has to be ok.

See for years I promised my sweet grandprincess I would never leave her and that I would always be with her. This promise I have not been able to keep and this has held me hostage to a deep, sharp pain in my heart and mind. I never thought I would not be with her because I love her and would give my life for her. That is still the case. Her daddy's family will not answer my texts and I was threatened with "consequences" if I try to contact him in anyway, ever again. For months I have wrestled with God over this. I have sobbed many hours of heartache at the one grand child that lived close to me a being suddenly ripped away. I have cried for myself and more than that I have cried buckets of tears for her...wondering exactly what they said about me disappearing from her life. I held onto an anger towards them, all of them. But God. He reminded me that I have to forgive them, even when they aren't sorry. The forgiving is for me, not for them. One day she will be old enough to choose, and God will still be in her heart. For now He has asked me to simply forgive them and myself for the broken promise. 

After that campfire I hugged MJ and told her "thank you, I needed to hear it was ok to let go. that it didn't mean I was abandoning her, I only need to wait until they forgive or she comes looking. I have NO choice in the matter of visitation as long as they were still unforgiving I wont see her. and that has to be ok, or it will eat me alive and leave me sitting in this same pit."

The third night was a campfire and a hayride, but I was just ready to hang in the cabin and then the second night of a "prayer circle" started...it didn't end until about 4:30 am and I will leave it at that. For now I want to just say thank you to God's amazing campfire "messengers"  G and MJ...y'all have no idea just how deep the work went in my heart thanks to you both saying yes to God. Y'all are brave and so powerful...warrior princesses for God. Love you both and thank you...oh and more to come about G's hubby, I met him the day God gave us at M and Mr A's house. God definitely picked him up and set him right in my path...J I am proud of you and all you are allowing God to transform in you and your life. I look forward to seeing you step out as God's messenger too.