Hang onto me...

 

 

 

 

 

I was standing hands up, pouring worship out of the depth of my heart. Praying & praising my Daddy. Asking Him to share His message with me, surrendering the chaos of the weeks, months...year that I thought had finally come to a close...at the top of a new mountain. "up out of that valley & where I can do this..." I whispered filled with excitement that my hubby had just gotten hired back to work with his local union. Immediately a very clear picture of me holding onto His robe, as He led me through a crowd...a never ending crowd, came to mind. On & on we went, the Verses in Matthew 9 came to my mind...

 

And behold, a woman who had suffered from a discharge of blood for twelve years came up behind him and touched the fringe of his garment, for she said to herself, “If I only touch his garment, I will be made well.” Jesus turned, and seeing her he said, “Take heart, daughter; your faith has made you well.” And instantly the woman was made well. 

Matthew 9:20-22 ESV

 

I opened my eyes..."huh?...I don't understand??" I closed my eyes again & began to concentrate on His answer to my prayer. Again He showed me holding onto His robe through a crowd...then a memory came flashing into my mind.  A memory of being a mom of younger children & even as a Nona with my grandchildren, me telling them "hold onto me...Don't let go!" Of course I was making sure they knew that there is danger to be aware of...would my Creator want any less??

 

Now, several months later I am understanding this message more. After several deep, dark valleys...I get it. He wanted to warn me, He wanted to remind me that He is always here, He wanted to make sure I remembered that ALL I have to do, is grab hold of Him & know that He is ALL I need, EVER. He was showing me that even though others who knew me before I surrendered my life to Him, may try to get me to back step...may try to lead me away from Him. They were more comfortable with who I was...they find it hard to have Jesus right up front, in their faces. Maybe they just don't understand & aren't in a place that they want to understand...yet.  But either way, I would have to cling onto Him.

 

I've found that the more I surrender, the more He can do. I'm one of those people who would rather carry in EVERY bag in one trip, then to take the time & energy it requires to make several trips. When I met Jesus this is something He started reshaping in me. Instead of taking the easiest route, He's asking me to follow His route & it's not the easy route. He is asking me to take His route so He can teach me to "hold onto Him."

 

He gave me the choice...I get to choose. But once I choose Him, I can't go back. When I learn what He's teaching me I can not go back into the ignorance excuse. But each time I choose to answer His call & hold onto His robe & take His route, it's giving Him the chance to show me how to overcome the chaos...His way. When I give Him the valleys He can lead me up to the top of the mountain.

 

I think the misconception about being a Christ follower is that once we choose Christ, we will live in happiness forever, or sadness forever...the truth is God will be molding & shaping us until the day we return home to Him. There will be high mountain tops & deep, deep, difficult valleys, but God wants us to remember to hold onto His robe, ALWAYS not just in the bad times. The bad thing is that in the good times we forget Who the glory belongs to...it's in the bad times we reach out for Him.

 

Just for the purpose of tying up this message, let me share that the Monday after that vision, my hubby was laid back off. He ended up working 8 days before being laid off. So ALL my plans, went up in smoke...we are still in a valley, but this valley has opened my eyes in so many areas. I finally have learned that He will continue to allow the trials, even when my first choice in EVERY choice is Him...He knows I am only flesh & that until I join Him I will struggle.

 

So if you're feeling like a valley is extra deep & long, maybe doing what I do will help...looking in to make sure I'm holding onto His robe through the crowd, trusting in His timing, plan & word. If you're not reach out & grab hold of His robe & hold on tight immersed in His peace & joy even in the darkest hours.

 

 

 

 

 



Uh oh...I saw my shadow

Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come. Now all these things are from God, who reconciled us to Himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation,…2 Corinthians 5:17-18



 

"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.
 Isaiah 43:18-19

 

"See, I will create new heavens and a new earth. The former things will not be remembered, nor will they come to mind. Isaiah 65:17

 

I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. Ezekiel 36:26

So the last few months I've been on a new journey...I cant say it's been easy...but I will say it has been exactly what I needed. Of course it is, after all, I asked God to create in me a new heart & cleanse me of me...I knew it was gonna be a painful, difficult & unknown time. I can say this much, I am still currently on this journey, just currently learning to be still...which I know is one of the things He is teaching me. I have learned this on several occasions...I have also forgotten what I learned on several occasions.

I shared that I joined a Biggest Loser challenge a couple months ago. The challenge was actually completed on March 27th. I know that the challenge was to "lose" weight, for me it was also a time to "gain" a lot. Like learning that I was so lost in my thinking about losing weight. Also that I didn't hate working out as much as I thought I did?? The most important thing I learned during this time has to be that to stop the vicious cycle of losing & gaining, I had to learn that it's not about the depriving myself of things I like until I lose this weight, it's about not using food as a reward, to stuff feelings, or as a hobby...it's made for nourishment. I had to allow God to create in me a new heart about my nourishment.

I finally heard Him about the food & as He taught me about food...He taught me that to grow in my relationship with Him, I need to nourish my mind, heart & soul with His word. I've learned that I became a new person when I accepted Jesus as my Savior...but kept living as the old person. The same thing with me eating, I used to start a "diet" but didn't become the new person I wanted to be...I kept living as the "fat" person on a diet.

He's been whispering to me for a while about whether I am a "new person" or just learning a "new routine"...He told me that this is not a new routine, but this is a "new me" He's creating. A permanent change. So as He's been trimming away the "old me" He's been filling me with Him, creating a "new me" that He is making like Him. This change He's been working on inside, He is now making on the outside. He is so faithful not to leave me in the pit I had created for myself...

Are you still trying to change something about you, but not letting go of the "old you??" Do you think learning a "new routine" is going to help you become the "new you" God is asking you to become? Ask yourself these questions & then listen for God to whisper directions.  

 

 

 



Blessings in disguise...are you missing yours?

So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most.

                                                                Hebrews 4:16 NLT

 

This morning I woke up 5 minutes before my alarm...if you know me, you know this is a HUGE change. When I started the "Biggest Loser Challenge" on Jan. 3, 2015, I started getting up early to take a bike ride. The first day I hopped out of bed excited for this new journey Jesus has placed me on. Happy to be able to get up & determined to get on my bike & ride away this fat barrier I have built over the last 7 years! I leaned into God & gave my complete self over to Him...then I faced the ones that had agreed to go with me. I walked out of my room with a huge smile on my face & said, "Good morning!! Are y'all ready for the ride??" 2 of them were up, the youngest one was sleeping on the couch...this was not what I expected. They were not excited at all, the 2 that were awake just stared at me with a look I cant share the meaning of on a family blog. My heart started to sink..then I heard the familiar whisper of my sweet Daddy God's voice, "keep smiling, this is a good change it will feel good & you need to worry about you, not make them be as happy as you are for this change...you  don't need them to do this, you have ME...I AM enough for you. In your weakness you have my strength."  So, I got myself ready, they did too & off the 3 of us went. I felt alive again...

 

When I decided to join this challenge I prayed about it. I had accepted the challenge no questions asked. when my sweet sister in Christ asked me to. Then I read the terms & found out there was an entry fee...this was a huge road block for me instantly...I was wondering how I was gonna buy groceries to feed us, there's no way I can do this. But I heard Him immediately, "I will provide." I said ok, with a little doubt hidden behind my answer. But just incase I decided to message my sweet sister & ask her if it was ok if I couldn't come up with the meager entry fee, this isn't national, it's a small group of us women ready for God to show us how to knock these walls down & shine Him bright, so it's very little to most, but I asked her if I could just have the encouragement, fellowship & accountability. She replied like my sweet Jesus was saying it to me...yes. but ask God for it, it will make you more accountable if you invest so much for you. What ask God for this?? I hadn't even went to Him about this challenge...I never thought to ask Him, I just accepted. Of course the first thing I did was tell my Daddy "I'm sorry I didn't think about asking You." I asked Him for the entry fee, I asked Him to show me how to start. I asked Him to be my 5 hour power. Within a couple of days, He provided from the most unexpected source.

 

Over the last week I've ridden 5 days. 4 of those days I had the company of my guys, at least 1 of them each of those days, except 1 of them. That was today. I woke up before my alarm & Sweet Hubby was in the kitchen leaning on the counter, on the phone. Sr was still in bed & Jr was awake upstairs. Sweet Hubby tells me he bent wrong & his back was pinching & I told him, "it's ok you don't have to ride with me today, I'll be ok." Just then Jr comes down & asks are you going on a bike ride today mom, I told him yes & asked if he wanted to go. He looked at me & said "not really, I'm sorry mom." I said "no son it's ok." Then I felt this joy I cant even explain...joy, excitement & peace at the same time at the thought of being able to take a bike ride by myself...just me, none of my guys with me. The worship music in the headphones in my ears...the time alone with my Daddy God...just me & Him...no distractions, interruptions, no worries...Oh my goodness, YES this is an awesome plan!!! THIS is the plan for my ride today!!!

 

Then both of them decide that one has to go...WHAT??? NO!!! I screamed in my head...but then the peace & joy of being able to have time with headphones in, still with my sweet Daddy came rushing back over me. I smiled & said to them both, "I will be fine, I promise. You guys don't have to worry, just stay here I'll be great, really!!" They both looked at me, neither of them convinced. So I went on & said, "Really this way I can listen to my music & not worry about having to listen for someone. I really want to go by myself today." They were content with this answer & agreed. My Sweet Hubby went to the garage & got my bike out & ready for me, a great surprise. Jr walked me out through the garage & said, "ok have fun mom." Off I went, music in my ears, a woman filled with excitement & joy...a tiny bit of fear crept in....but as I rode up the street, no plan, just riding wherever I rode. Talking to Jesus, singing to Jesus & sharing my joy & a smile with those I encountered along the path. What a ride it was...I loved all the rides this week, with each of my guys too, but God is my favorite riding partner. As I came riding around the neighborhood streets He whispers "sometimes it's good to have some quiet time for ourselves. You asked & I am giving you what you asked for, it may not always seem to be what you expected...but it will always be better my beautiful girl." Just then I looked up into the beautiful blue sky & felt the breeze blow through my hair & in my face...I couldn't help but laugh & answer out loud...."Yes Jesus, this is just what I needed!!! Thank You!!" I kept on riding just singing & smiling, letting Him pour His perfect mercy & grace into me & fill me with JOY, real JOY not the other kind....I made it home...

 

 

 



 

My word of 2015 is...

 

 

I am one of the ones that is a little glad 2014 is FINALLY over. Not that I didn't like the entire year. I loved so many parts easily...others I struggled to find something to like. Really the only thing that I can say about 2014 is that STRUGGLE with a lot of God's mercy, as I walked a valley almost the whole year. It definitely was a year that I learned someone was gonna have control of my destiny...not me however. 

I found that I can choose to ask God to guide my steps, or I can sit back in my humanness & believe I'm guiding them. Yes, I said "believe." I might think I'm making the choices, in a way I am, I'm choosing to live for me & my flesh...but the one guiding my steps when I choose to live for me, is really satan. Because when I live for me, it's the farthest I can get from Jesus. He was very blunt about how to live like Him....

Then he said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.

Luke 9:23 NIV

In 2014 I learned so much more about what this really means to deny myself. It was a painful but necessary lesson I really began learning. 

The beginning of 2014 was bittersweet for me. Our oldest son, Sr, returned home from about 2000 miles away, after about 4 years. I had taken Jr to visit one summer for 6 weeks, but it had been about a year & a half since then. He didnt want to come back here, he didnt want to leave his son...this tore him apart horribly. But financially it was a must. I was glad he was home, after all he's my oldest & I dearly love him...although I did understand his heartache. But God brought him home & then blessed him with an awesome job. Which we had no idea would be part of a much bigger plan to grow not only my trust, but my entire family's. 

Within a couple weeks my Sweet Hubby was laid off of his job. We didnt stress it too much because he's a plumber with a local union & they have usually gotten him either right away, or within a few weeks. God had other plans...His plans were not the same as mine, not even close. While this was going on little girl had found out she was pregnant... unexpectedly. Somehow she was blinded by the lies of satan. She just threw out everything she believed about abortion & had decided this was what she was gonna do. But God had whispered to me that this baby would arrive, but not for my Sweet Little girl, but for another beautiful mama He created the baby for. I talked to her about this message I kept getting over & over. The more God told me to "be still" it seemed the more frantic I got. Especially after Little girl told me she had an appt. for the abortion...I just sobbed. I looked up & begged Him to stop this!!! He did a day or two before her appointment. But she had decided to raise the baby with her new boyfriend. I finally heeded my Daddy's whispers to "be still" & accepted the baby would make it into the world, alive.

In the mean time the company Sr was working for hired Sweet Hubby it was a drastic cut in pay, but it was more than the unemployment. He was on with a temporary agency hoping to get hired on permanent with the company, like Sr was. For a few months things went along pretty smoothly, financially. Little girl moved in & out several times. Finally she had sweet Little Feather. This was a HIGHLIGHT of 2014 for me. I got to watch her come into the world, it was quick & beautiful. 

Then they laid off Sweet Hubby?? Then the whispers started at the workplace about the company going bankrupt...again I panicked!! I lost my focus so easily it seems. I had finally started realizing that the less I focused on my problems & focused on God & the lights He was lighting in my path, I had His peace. I was content with whatever was happening. But it seems that I was easily lured from that peace.

 A few days after Little Feather was born, I was flying off to a women's retreat. My second with this amazing group of women...well most of them I did meet some more amazing women. Which I havent shared my entire experience yet so I will just leave it at this...God healed me in an area of great pain & loss. One I had no idea I had??? But He knew it was hidden deep in my heart & He knew it had to go. The joy He filled it with is UNDENIABLE. It took away some deeply buried regrets I'd had for over a decade.

In 2014 God led me away from a church family that I still love. He moved us quick & swift. We tried another church, several times, but I knew that it was not for us. I didnt have His peace...I understand that some people dont believe that we have to get fed by the congregation we attend. That is ok. But I believe He feeds us & He moves us when His plan is to move us. He tells us to make disciples & when He needs us somewhere else, He takes us there. Until I get where He wants me, I am not at peace. Not in His peace. 

For a while I was content just waiting patiently for Him to take me to a congregation He had planned. I missed the worship & hearing His direction. Finally He placed me in a congregation. I love the worship, I can hear His direction in the words He speaks through this Pastor. I've gotten confirmation from my Daddy many times already. After a few weeks of attending every week, I said to Sweet Hubby, "has anyone spoken to you? or asked you about being new?" He said no. I instantly started questioning why?? This was a moment that was a turning moment for my heart. Of course satan started whispering doubts in my head...but instantly I chose to go to my Daddy for the REAL answer. I clearly heard Him say, "I didnt place you here for fellowship for now. You asked for a place to hear worship music & my direction. Aren't you content?" Again instantly I had His peace. I WAS content. It feels good to go & enjoy fellowship with my Daddy.

So the end of 2014 brought a couple of different changes in our house. Changes that I dont think any of us really expected. First Little Girl heard the whispers of Daddy's real plan for Little Feather. She was in a new place with His plan, one I didnt know would come to pass...doubt is such a waste of time. She accepted His request to give Little Feather to the mama & family He created this beautiful little girl for. I have watched this open up & I shared a blog about how amazing it is. It's still blooming & it's a gift to see the joy & love of God in every single aspect of this journey. Little girl is thriving & so is Little Feather with her new family. My sweet princess is doing very well with the whole plan now...which is wonderful. I saw her hurt & inability to understand turn into acceptance.

Then was the biggest question He has EVER asked me. Sweet Hubby had a special dinner for the local union that we had to go to. While we were gone, Sr & Little girl were at a thrash metal concert. The messages started in the middle of the speakers at our dinner. Messages that were about Sr not being able to breathe. I stayed fairly calm through the dinner & we left immediately after the event. Heading home I got the text that they were stopping by the ER on the way home. So I told them to let me know what was happening. Of course instantly I started praying....really begging my Daddy God, "please let my boy be ok!!!" It was a pretty calm prayer, I had assumed it was probably his asthma...then another text, "MOM ARE YOU ALMOST HERE??? THEY ARE SENDING HIM TO THE HEART HOSPITAL!!! HURRY MOM HE'S NOT DOING VERY GOOD!!! HE'S HURTING SO BAD & THEY JUST GAVE HIM ASPIRIN!!!" This text didnt leave me with as calm of a prayer, this text caused instant distress in this mama who was only a mile or so away!!! Once again I lifted up a prayer, "please Daddy dont take my baby boy!! PLEASE DADDY DONT TAKE MY BABY BOY!!" In almost a hushed whisper I heard it, the question that would take me farther...farther from who the world says I am...but another step closer to who I really am, to the One Who I want to be like..."Even if I take your baby boy now, am I still enough?" My breath stopped, "yes, even if You take my baby boy, You are enough LORD, You are enough." I didnt even realize I had said it out loud until Sweet Hubby asked me "huh?" I said it again, with more conviction, "Yes LORD You are enough." While most of the Dr's didnt even worry about Sr's heart because he was only 29, I prayed. Me & Little Girl stayed by Sr's bedside 24/7 for days. In the same clothes. Finally a Dr said he wanted to do a very important test to make sure it wasnt his heart. Little Girl & I prayed so hard, together, out loud, everywhere. God showed those Dr's something that day, I saw it in the Dr's eyes when he came out & said "your son had a heart attack..." he was shocked, he said again, "he's 29 & he had a heart attack!?" I said oh no. He replied "also his main artery on the side that makes the heart pump, is like a branch that splits into 2 arteries, he had cholesterol almost blocking it shut & a blood clot had formed & almost made it to the split which would have caused a massive heart attack at 29!!" I shook my head tears pouring down my face, he went on, "the specialist Dr is in there with him placing a stent now"...Little Girl & I went out to our car where I had my breakdown....after the breakdown I lifted up a prayer of gratefulness....another prayer of gratefulness. 

There were many prayers of gratefulness in 2014 for me...I cant possibly list them all off. I dont know if I remember them all honestly. But I do know that weeks we were praying for groceries, or a bill to be paid. I learned what it means to budget with very, very little. But time after time, my Daddy God comes through. Each time He does it changes my heart a little more. He trims away a little more of me & my selfish, worldly ways & fills me with more of His peace. As He does, I find that I'm more & more content with less & less of the "needs" which are really just "wants" in disguise. 

Christmas was one of the times He showed me that my "needs" were simply wants. Wants to please people's flesh. Sweet Hubby took a job for a world wide delivery service that hires on seasonal help. We thought it must be from God because this would almost double our unemployment & would make it easier to buy the 3 gifts for each of the kids that we always do. WRONG...instantly I knew it. We had to give up our unemployment for this position. He started on December 2 & was to go through January 1. Well let me just say that in the few weeks he worked for this company, he made less than the unemployment, FAR less. I panicked, then handed it to God, then took it back over & over along with panicking & complaining a whole bunch. I watched my Sweet Hubby sinking...this opened my eyes. My doubt was causing him to stumble in his faith...I was being exactly what I didnt want be...a stumbling block. Worse yet, I was tripping the one I love. This opened up my eyes. 

Christmas was beautiful, my best gift was most of the family enjoying Christmas Eve together, laughing & playing games & hugging & crying & it was BEAUTIFUL.

Now it's 2015...it's only 8 short days into it. Sweet Hubby is still laid off & we are waiting for unemployment to kick back in still. Sr is finally released to work & has been hunting. Little Girl moved in with her boyfriend...my princess hasnt come to see me yet since Christmas...but me, I'm here. I'm closer than I've ever been to my Daddy God. I'm still a human made of weak flesh & selfishness. So this year I've prayed for more...again more Him & less me. I say I'm ready & believe I am. I am ready for the changes He has for me this new year. He's already been hard at work. I was invited to join the Biggest Loser challenge & each day I take it one step at a time. I give Him the control & He guides me in His plan. So far I've actually done very well. I have almost stumbled a couple of times...but each of those times, He picked me back up. I am not looking at this change as a "diet" I am looking at it as just what it is giving me...HOPE. The kind of HOPE that only God can provide & live up to.

As I started to listen for the "word" He wanted me to cling to this new year...He shared the verses that I have dubbed "my life verses."  Several years ago I saw the first verse in a plaque on a friends wall & it grabbed hard at my heart. So I went home & looked it up in context. As I read this verse, the next 2 grabbed me just as hard & after reading them realized they define the foundation of what my relationship with Him is. So this year He has told me that He wants me to return to those verses. He is gonna live them out with me each & every day...it filled my eyes with tears of joy, my heart with a new found readiness & as I read them again...my "word" for 2015...

 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you HOPE and a future.  Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 

Jeremiah 29:11-13 NIV

HOPE, there it was...He is my HOPE. He wants to be my HOPE. He wants me to have HOPE...of course I added a dash of His GRACE, for the times I stumble out of HOPE...My heart feels so different. He is here, He's always here I only need ask...to call on Him. He will listen to me...He will hear me & I will find Him EVERYTIME...so what's your word for the year?? 

For I know the plans I have for your 2015...

I've noticed several people on my Facebook news feed are sharing their words for this year. I love reading them & why they chose them...most have a Scripture to help them keep them in their focus. This year I believe that my Daddy wants me to learn to dive deeper with Him. To trust His heart when I'm blind to His hands working in my life. To remember what His plans are for me, all I have to do is listen with every part of me.  I have a dear friend who has a beautiful sign in her home, it has Jeremiah 29:11 written on it. The first time I saw it, I knew these beautiful Words made me feel an instant flash of understanding, REAL understanding. I told her "I love this!!!" She said "me too, this is one of my favorite Verses." So this was when my Daddy God began to really show me He was in EVERY detail of my life. I decided that I needed to check into these amazing Words a little closer...after all this verse brought more understanding.

So, I decided to check into the rest of the Chapter in context...that's when He showed me that yes, this was His plan. He had more for me to bury deep in my heart. So they became my "life Verses", they are...

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.
                                                         Jeremiah 29:11-13 NIV

For a while I prayed these, I kept them close to my heart & mind during every thing. If I was struggling with anything, all I had to do was pull this promise up & I felt better. In many of my darkest moments this WAS the light I clung to...His promise. It was what would open my clenched fists when I was trying to hold onto a hurt, or a reason for my anger. They helped me clean out a lot of pain that had built a wall NO ONE could penetrate...NO ONE except my Daddy.

This year I believe "HOPE" is the word He is asking me to walk in. I know His ways are higher than mine, so I don't understand EVERY reason He's giving me this word. But I trust His heart whether I see His hands every moment, or I simply hear this promise. I believe He has amazing plans for me in 2015! I know that He's going to restore some of my brokenness, pain that has built for years. He's gonna take this princess deeper than I've ever gone. He's gonna wait for me to come to Him, He's gonna make me choose Him & His perfect plan over my own...I'm excited!!

He's already started, before 2015 came. He sent a challenge my way, it was my choice. All I had to do was say "yes" & ask for what I needed. As soon as I said "yes" & asked for the provision, He provided it the next day...out of no where!!

I joined a "Biggest Loser" challenge. It is my first time. For years I've wanted to be on the show. I actually went a few times to be interviewed...but wasn't chosen. Then He brought me what I asked for...a challenge to get healthier. To get fit so I can enjoy this life He has for me & the family He blessed me with. For years I've put on more & more weight. I have gotten to my heaviest point...I've eaten my feelings, I've eaten away those feelings with more & more. Now it's time to face those feelings & give them to Him. It's time for me to really live in His strength. To remember that in my weakness He is my strength...that I can not rely on my own strength.

Part of this challenge required me to take pictures of myself from several views, along with a live video being weighed. I'm the queen of selfies from above, I learned this had a couple of advantages for an obese, older woman. It thins the face while smoothing wrinkles & it hides the size of the body because of the angle. I taught many other women who felt like I did. Obviously I wasn't able to use this trick for these photos. I prayed hard, I asked Him to stand with me, to help me see myself through His eyes instead of mine. I also asked Him for the courage to share these pictures with my fellow challenge members. He gladly gave abundantly to me...when I looked at the pictures my son took, I didn't look as bad as I told myself...He was showing me that the "mix tape of self hate" that I had been allowing satan to play over & over, was a LIE.

Then He showed me what He sees when He looks at me. I can't even explain the beauty I saw...I know it is Him in me. I actually eagerly posted them to the secret challenge page. Then He challenged me again...to post them to my Instagram. "But they will see..." in a heartbeat I remembered, He is doing a new thing in me. I can be a beacon to those who are in the same fight...a beacon to Him & what He is doing in me. What I can do because of Him. I looked up & said "ok" & shared the pictures as He asked me to.

So, He's challenging me again. This time I haven't got the tiniest bit of doubt, nor will I question His challenge. I am saying yes. In 2015 I will be still & wait upon His whisper. I will answer His challenges with a YES. I will search for Him in everything. I will ask Him for help & accept it when He offers it without question. I will trust Him, He is my Daddy. These are the pictures that begin a new work in me...a work that will challenge me & change me from the inside out.

"In Your hands I will find my strength, peace & hope. All I have to do is say yes & You can show me the way...Your way."                                                 @LifewithNona

Life with Nona: How long will it take for this to become a habit??...

Life with Nona: How long will it take for this to become a habit??...: While I was washing the dishes, the ones from Christmas dinner, I was upset & telling myself how I was gonna let my Sweet Hubby have it....

How long will it take for this to become a habit???

While I was washing the dishes, the ones from Christmas dinner, I was upset & telling myself how I was gonna let my Sweet Hubby have it. After all he was the one who said "don't worry about the dishes, I'll do them...thanks for dinner it was really good." But here it is...not the day after Christmas, but the second day after Christmas & the dishes from all 3 days are here. There are definitely not a bunch of dishes, mostly pans that were rinsed...but it's the fact that he didn't do what he said he was going to...even after a hint last night from me, a hint he took & told Jr "we are gonna clean up around here tomorrow..." He started to pick up & then just stopped after stacking my sales ads on the couch next to where I sit??? Then he sat down & 10 mins later got up told me "I'm gonna go lay down, I'm so tired." & walked into our room laid down & went to sleep. I was getting worship music on a Bluetooth speaker Sr let us use on Christmas, so we could enjoy our cleaning with some amazing music...but before I could figure it out, he went to bed. So, I decide to just get it done while he was sleeping. I cranked up the tunes & started cleaning. I clean with no plan, if I pick something up & have to take it somewhere else, I will try to pick something up to bring back where it goes...why waste a trip when I'm doing something that I hate doing right?? The music is what makes this bearable for me. As I was switching between singing & complaining, I was telling myself what I was gonna say to the one God created for me. I was seething & it was building...then I heard the interruption I recognize is my Daddy..."Is that gonna show him the love I show you? Will this make him want to be around you?? You keep asking Me to make you more like me...then complaining when I do it." Which I start to instantly defend, but in His gentle whisper He reminds me,

For even the Son of God didn't come to be served, but to serve, & to give His life as a ransom for many.                          
                                                                                   Mark 10:45 NIV

Man, that got right to me, right to the spot He's working on still in this woman. Yes, I can not say anything, I can just leave it alone. I can just let the guilt trips I learned from birth to take others on, go. Just love. Just be glad & thankful that the one God created just for me, is here with me...that I can hug him, laugh with him, cry in his arms & sleep next to him at night...I can appreciate that he is God's & love him like Christ...unconditionally.

Then I hear my Daddy say, "all I ask is that if you're going to serve me, do it joyfully not with a heart of frustration, but because you want to serve where I ask you to."..."but dishes & cleaning are the worst" I complain again." I don't want to do it, I'm not like other women, I don't want to clean, or like to clean" Then I'm reminded of these...

Serve the Lord with gladness! Come into His presence with singing!
                                                                                                Psalm 100:2 ESV

Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters,
                                                                       Colossians 3:23 NIV

Do everything without grumbling or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, "children of God..."
                                                                                                  Philippians 2:14-15a NIV

I now realize that I'm not just serving my Sweet Hubby & sons, I'm serving my Lord, the One Who came into the world, not in the manner He could have come, as the LORD of LORDS & KING OF KINGS....no as a human baby. The most humbling form. He came to die, He came only to live blameless so He could take my sins, my brokenness & my selfishness...and climb on the cross & give His life, so I could have the choice to accept His gift. A FREE gift for me...all I have to do is say yes.

In saying yes, I don't have to do anything more...I'm redeemed simply for the asking. I'm grateful that He doesn't leave me there, if I say yes...He will keep asking me for more, to give me more. He loves me & as I learn just how much He really loves me, already, without doing anything...I start to want to be more like Him. I want to love unconditionally...I want to give & help the broken, I want to let His light shine in & through me...this is just one more way to let go of the worldly, fleshy, broken part of me & allow Him to mold it into His image...LOVE.

So here I sit, laptop in hand, a little more like my Savior, only by His grace & mercy...telling you one more of my flaws...sharing one more way He is making my reflection match His.

In doing this blog, I checked out how long it takes an action, or behavior to become a habit...the first several said, "21 days" but when I looked a little deeper, I found a study that said "after they did a study for 84 days, the average person developed a habit in approximately 66 days..." I'm praying a new prayer now...that Daddy God will help me make cleaning, dishes & serving others a supernatural habit!!!

Merry Christmas & Happy New Year from Nona's house to yours......

 

 

 

 

                                                                                         

Deeper & Deeper He's taking me...

 

Sometimes I feel like God takes me one step forward, then I let go of His hand & think I can take the next ones myself...Yep I'm a serial stepper. I beg Him to cleanse my heart, I beg Him to make me more like Him, I beg Him to break my heart for what breaks His...then I sit back & wait for the blessings to start falling...when they don't I take several steps back...& complain.

Hmmmm am I listening to what I'm asking Him for?? No begging Him for??? I'm not asking Him how to grow a garden, or bake a meringue. I am asking Him to show me what hurts Him about who I am...where I let my flesh hide...but remember He tells us...

Who can hide in secret places so that I cannot see them?” declares the Lord. “Do not I fill heaven and earth?” declares the Lord.                                    Jeremiah 23:24

I've learned in the last several years that Christianity is nothing like what I learned it was growing up. I always believed that I had to always be good...that I had to beg over & over for forgiveness for the sins I had committed. I'm in no way always good, in fact the truth is, I can't be good enough to be forgiven...there's only one way... to pull the flesh parts of me out of the dark hiding place & hand it over...or hold onto it & struggle out of His Will.

 He always gives us the freedom to choose...He doesn't pout & complain. He knows the plan, He is in control...even when I'm trying to hold the reins. I am actually starting to truly recognize when I step back...sometimes I don't take too many steps back, still many times I'm having to run to catch up. I think I have finally figured out that He will always wait with me & carry me to the catch up line...He's that kind of Daddy.

The kind of Daddy that doesn't count the number of steps I take backwards...He is only  taking me where I follow Him. I've learned that this is the very real life definition of TRUST...to follow without asking where, why, or how...just taking each step He lights...when He lights it.

Sometimes it's hard to trust. This world is broken & filled with broken people & I've been hurt by more than a couple of people in my almost half a century here in this world...& I've hurt more than a couple I'm not proud to say. This isn't anything like trying to trust in this world....I'm learning that trusting God is something completely different...He is the ONLY one we should trust without borders, or boundaries....just give Him complete & unquestionable TRUST. Peter had that kind of TRUST when he stepped out of that boat...


 “Come,” he said.
Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. ³⁰ But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”                                                                                          Matthew 14:29-30


We can trust Him with complete hearts, minds & bodies because He will NEVER fail us...He will NEVER change...we may change, we may run away instead of towards Him, we may sin...but when we fall, our Daddy God's hand is right there, waiting for us to take it. We only have to reach up in faith & TRUST His hand to be there to pull us out of our pit.

God has pulled this Nona out of some deep, deep pits & I am truly grateful for His faithfulness. Because of His faithfulness I'm learning to know that I can ALWAYS TRUST Him..this makes me want to make Him happy. I have a desire to be more like Him, I want everyone I see to see Him shining brightly in me. I want to be trustworthy & loving & kind. It seems like this is easier sometimes than others...especially when I take my focus off Him & onto struggles in this world. From financial to children's choices, I can lose my focus.

I tell myself every time "look what is taking your peace, blah blah blah"....but when I open myself back up, I realize that's the real issue isn't ANYONE else, it's my heart issue. Then it's like BOOOOM...He trims a little more off & I don't even feel the pain of the loss of more of my worldly flesh...instead I'm thrust into a peace like no other, there's no explaining it..you have to allow yourself to be immersed into this peace. Just allow it to envelope you & become part of your DNA...then if you can just keep the focus.

In these times whether it's a dark, painful place, or a brightly lit exciting & new place, if we can remember that He is our hope, in Him is our hope...we will have peace in His hope.



May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.             Romans 15:13

Ouch that hurt!!!

                                 When pride comes, then comes disgrace,
                            but with humility comes wisdom.

                                    Proverbs 11:2 (NIV)

 

 

I opened up the message & started reading...the more I read, the higher I could feel my anger rising. The tears of hurt, stabbing pain of someone I loved like a sister tossing knives & hitting me in the heart. With each sentence I built up an answer, oh boy was she gonna get an answer. I knew her deepest darkest secrets, too. Since I was on my phone, I'd have to work to show her how it felt...it took me forever to type out those words. I wasn't even going to proof read it, just send it to her. Then I heard the now recognizable sound of my Sweet Daddy's whisper..."you can send that & get all that anger out at her & make her feel just like you do know...or you can not. you can delete those words"

 

What??? But she hurt me...ssshhh...but who is she to judge...sshh...then the understanding came. She was holding up a mirror to me & describing what she was seeing, in her words. I knew that most of what she was saying was right on, it was just wrapped in such dirty, cruel words it hurt too bad to look at the truth. When I read her words again, I saw what He was trying to show me...things that were keeping me standing still in one place. He was trying to answer so many prayers from me & anyone who had lifted up my prayer requests. It just came a little different than I would've desired...He was showing me what was anchoring me to this path, the one He was leading me down, until I just stopped at a comfy rest area. The path I have been on now for what seems like forever.

 

"Dear Friend felt this way." Those words brought the light rushing in to this dark I didn't understand was hidden so deep in my heart, it was completely integrated into who I was. You see a few years back I had this wonderful, sweet, kind & loving friend, she was more than a friend to me...she was my Dear Friend. We couldn't be more opposite, but yet a connection unlike any I had experienced...God was the reason for the difference. We shared things, good & bad, we were walking through...which was good, for a while.

 

At the time we were not new Christians, but I know I wasn't as mature as I thought. I was starting to hear my Daddy's sweet whispers...I was pretty deaf at first, still not a pro. I heard what I thought would help her with some of her issues...so I would just start tossing the "wisdom" at her. When she didn't see what I did, or understand what I was saying, I would get frustrated & my "help" started being wrapped in anger, frustration, even cruelty. 

 

 Eventually, I started noticing that she wasn't answering my calls, she didn't text back...I didn't understand. I developed a callous where she was concerned. We set up a meeting at a park. I prayed that God would show me what His plan was. This was my heart set when I headed to that park..."if she doesn't forgive me then we aren't gonna be friends anymore." We sat down, I took banana chips with me to keep me from talking. We both ended up eating those chips...but when she finally spilled her broken heart out on the table...my heart broke. My Dear Friend just couldn't handle me always telling her what to do. She didn't want my advice, what I meant for helping...because of the way I wrapped it in put downs, or judgement...like stabbing knives..."Yes now you have it, this is how you made her feel...over & over." Wow, that lit up this dark little corner where I had laid the leftover pieces of our broken friendship. I saw exactly what I had done, I saw my own broken heart & understood hers...

 

I just sobbed...prayed...and sobbed more. I shared with my family what I had learned. They didn't get it, that was ok, I did. So within a few days of this my Sweet Daddy placed this Dear Friend in the same aisle, the same store at the same time, as me & Sr. I felt this rush of love come over me, a peaceful rush. I told her I wanted to have coffee soon...she said yes let's do. But He wasn't gonna leave it at that again..."let her know you finally understand"...so when I leaned in for a hug before walking away, I whispered, "I finally understand...I am so very sorry. I would love to get to share with you what I've learned." When I pulled away she looked in my eyes, which were filling & overflowing with tears of relief..."oh my friend, yes it's been way too long!!"

 

I walked away believing that I wouldn't hear from her. But the next night God blessed my family with a last minute worship concert & as we were being herded through with the crowd, I heard "my last name" being shouted, I turned to see my Dear Friend & her sweet family..."hi how are you!!! Wow this is a God thing huh!!" It truly was, the worship concert was Winterjam 2014...there were thousands of people. Even others that we knew were there, we never saw them...but when my Sweet Daddy is leading the way, ANYTHING is possible. She asked if we wanted to hang together, of course I said yes!!! It was an amazing Spirit filled concert, He shows up always. She had 4 teens, or close enough, with her so she was busy. But it was wonderful to get to stand next to my Dear Friend.

 

We have since met for coffee & pie, we spent 5 1/2 hours, laughing, crying, but most importantly, I was able to accept responsibility for the pain I caused my Dear Friend. I have also been in much prayer for the eyes & heart to recognize that I wasn't created to live her life...so I have to stop trying to tell her how. I need to be here for her, whether it's a shoulder to cry on, a laugh for a joke, or a hug of peace. She will tell me what she needs, He will listen as I pray for her...He after all is her Creator...I am her friend.

 

Oh by the way, I deleted all those hurtful words & just said, "I'm sorry you feel that way..."

 

 

 Those who guard their lips preserve their lives,
    but those who speak rashly will come to ruin.

Proverbs 13:3

 

 

 

 

Life with Nona: ...are you the difference maker??

Life with Nona: ...are you the difference maker??: ...We are all transgressors, we're all sinners, we're all astronauts So if you're beating death then raise your hand but shut u...

...are you the difference maker??

...We are all transgressors, we're all sinners, we're all astronauts
So if you're beating death then raise your hand but shut up if you're not

'Cause I am the difference maker
Oh, I am the only one that speaks to him
And I am the friendliest of friends of God...

 

Writer/s: BO RINEHART, WILLIAM BEAR RINEHART

 

These are some of the words to a song called "I am a difference maker" by Need To Breathe. There is the whole song. I shared my favorite youtube version of it at the bottom of the page.

 

I'm a dvr watcher. I rarely watch live tv. If I am it's usually something my Sweet Hubby is watching, or one of the kids. I don't like commercials, especially during the seasons of political bashing. On the rare occasion that I catch the news, I'm usually overwhelmed by all the evil in the world today. Some of the things I hear chill me to my bone. I couldn't imagine being a keeper of the laws these days. I believe that God makes us each unique, but He also creates us for His purpose, to bring Him glory. In doing that He equips us with certain gifts to help us. He creates us to have a heart for things that let us feel His Presence & give us the sense of joy when we follow our calling...of course keeping Him the center of our lives is a big part of keeping to His path.

This all said because it seems to me that the news people want to keep the drama up, so they sensationalize certain bad, or certain good. I'm not naïve, I know it makes money...but doesn't that sentence make anyone else cringe?? I struggle with all the negative. It causes my anxiety to flare up...I struggle with a very real enemy. Panic & Anxiety disorder. 

God gifted me with discernment. A wonderful gift, when you learn that it's for Him. Others are gifted with different gifts, healing, teaching, protecting, serving...many more. I couldn't possibly list each, because I couldn't possibly know them all. But one thing I believe is this that God needs us all for unique paths, and He has a path for each of us. We have to choose it, but it's right here...right here.

When we make the choice to feed our flesh, to give into the flesh's desires, we aren't choosing that path. Our choices don't only affect our lives...there are many others God blessed us with that will be affected by our choices. Even the ones that are just passing by. God gives us the freedom of choice, but we can not be excused from the consequences those choices create. How would any one learn from the bad choices, or the good ones with out reward, or consequence?

I don't claim to know much about what happened with this officer who was not charged. I have only heard what broke in during a recording of a couple of my shows. The pictures they showed about what is happening because people "don't agree with the decision" shocked & disgusted me...my anxiety came flaming up. What?? Really??? What kind of excuse is this to burn, steal, ruin business that had NOTHING to do with this decision??? This is deplorable behavior, unacceptable, NO EXCUSE.

The news channels are running these pictures & stories constantly...sensationalizing the divide in the colors of skin...I don't believe that this should be called "racism," my belief is this....in Genesis 1:27 it says this...

 

 

So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.

 

I don't see anywhere in there where it says God created black, white, etc...It only says He created them in His image, men & women. So this divide between the different amounts of pigment we have in our skin, it's not racism. It's HATE plain & simple. It's from our enemy, satan. We're allowing this liar to play puppet master every time we perpetuate the lie that there is more than one race, the HUMAN RACE.
Now please don't think me naïve. I know that ignorance does exist in this world. I know that people hurt other people. There is evil in this world because satan is prince in this world. People have a choice to choose how they are going to live while they're in this world. My belief is this...am I as Christ's chosen daughter, perpetuating the HATE being created?? or am I giving God my life & showing His LOVE, His mercy & Who is the ruler of my life?? My desire is that when others look at me, or my life, no matter when, where, or which part of me, they see the same thing, GOD. I don't think that people's hearts are to hurt anyone, or help the enemy dig the lines deeper between God's children, or even the non believers. 
 Most have been touched by the pain of loss at some point in their lives. And I know that some people's choices are not right. So what I go back to when I know either of these things, is prayer. 
God wants us to get on our knees & ask Him those hard questions. He wants us to go to Him, not listen to the lies of the enemy that the world & it's ways want to spoon feed us. If we let these beliefs get integrated into our hearts, we are allowing the enemy an in. We are choosing to give him a place to sit in our hearts.
What do I think will change this line between people who have more, or less pigment...getting into & REALLY living God's word. We cant claim to be doing these things unless when we read His Scriptures, we let Him shape these parts of us to be like Him, able to live the words. If every one who loves God really lived His word, we wouldn't live as if there is anyone who is not equal to the other. 
There are enough of us that LOVE God, that we could live like there is ONLY one race, the HUMAN RACE & I know that we could be difference makers...people are looking everywhere for that feeling, the peace that transcends all human understanding, I am, aren't you? What if we showed them where we found it?? Who we found it in?? How we have it...by allowing God to be our center & learning from the molding He does. Let those who desire to, see Him in us. That means not being fake, not stressing over things, allowing them to see all our chaos & why we have peace. That we stumble & trip up, we are no more perfect than anyone else. We just choose to be shaped during the disasters & pain. We have to love, really love, even when we are at our worst...or when others are at theirs. In all of this we have to continue to choose God's truth over satan's lies.
Sorry I this subject was very touchy & I'm not really a very "politically correct" kind of woman. I more of a daughter of Christ kind.
Please join me in praying for all who are experiencing the pain of loss tonight, and every night. Whether it was sickness, accident, murder, or self inflicted...it's loss to those who loved them & it hurts. Let's lift up those involved in any of the schemes that satan is using to keep us distracted, while he tries to integrate his HATE into our hearts.
Thanks all for reading. Please feel free to share any thoughts or comments. Please enjoy this song, I'm just linking it from Youtube, I love this video.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wHaq4GJfjlM