There was something life giving about M going around the circle sharing what God had placed on her heart. I knew that He was using this time to share something with me....yet I also had absolutely zero idea why??? He is showing me with all He's been leading me through to be still, wait for it, wait for it.....in His time & it always is the PERFECT time. Before I knew it He was whispering....."Am I enough, truly?? Are you really ready for Me??".......I wasn't about to say no, but even if I had wanted to, I wouldn't have been able to.....He has my heart. He led me over to C-1 who led me to the restroom & said "sorry hun, I couldn't wait." As she came out of the stall, was washing her hands I opened my mouth & out He spoke, "I forgave my mom today. He took all I was holding onto & swept it away..." I told her about the whole wonderful washing. She hugged me & said "Oh girl I'm sooo happy for you!!" After that I told her that I would like to sit in the seat of love & have them pray over me....she said "yes, yes we are doing that after dinner this evening, for sure!!" I agreed & followed her out to the lobby where the ladies were all listening to AJ explain that what to do with the 3x5 cards they were passing around...."write down what you want to leave here....whatever it is."
Dinnertime seemed like a blur & the beginning of the after dinner gathering was as well. I got the chance to pray with a few of the women. I had the most wonderful conversation with one of the most amazing women, her eyes just lit up with the most beautiful twinkle...L. L was struggling with a situation & I understood it, lived it in fact at one time. Though L's was much longer & more detailed....I understood the core of it. I hope the words I felt God spoke through me, were something she could use. Sometimes I rush you see....in those times I'm trying to do it my way....not His.
But then M explained that the worship music would be turned back on, we had basically "our time" to spend, while C-1 & S went from person to person, where ever they felt God taking them. I prayed that He would share this message I could feel brewing inside my heart, whirling around & building like nothing I've ever felt. I of course spent time praising Him, thanking Him & begging Him to hurry.....I was tired. Tired? or tired of waiting??
In a world where we can get pretty much ANYTHING we want, ANYWAY we want, WHENEVER we want.....I have become worldly & filled with my flesh in that way. I'm impatient, easy to anger, quick to call it out, but slow to learn my lesson. I'm the epitome of a sinner.....but that is not my heart's desire. The world may see that sinner, but God sees my heart, He knows my desire is to be more like Him......He also knows that I'm made of flesh & weak in my own strength. So, He waits patiently, not hurried or stressed He might be late.....He knows, His timing is ALWAYS PERFECT. No ifs, ands, or buts....It's His plan.
So, as C-1, S & Special K made their way from sister to beautiful sister.....I started to wish God would hurry & send them my way. I wanted to hear my message. The more women He led them to, the more antsy I got. But, then they started passing around the "exit" survey.....I said, "come on really, You made me wait & now You aren't going to tell me......really???!!!" I filled in the survey, while I did I was telling Him....I told Him "fine, if You have a message for me, send them my way....other wise I'm going to leave." They headed my way, but turned to another sweet sister......"what???" I didn't stop the whole time they were praying with & over my sweet sister. Then they turned to the sister next to her......as they were praying for her, I heard Him tell me, "its My time, not yours.....you'll get yours, sit still...." As soon as I answered, and realized they were done & headed to another sister across the room. I said, "that's it, I'm really going to leave." I started to gather my things, one of the sweet ones around me said, "you leaving?" to which I replied "yes, I'm tired." Just after that, I turned with my arms full of my days gatherings & bumped into C-1....."while you're up" she said as she smiled so gently. I looked around & saw S behind her....the excitement I suddenly felt swirling around inside my heart, was something I had never felt before...."oh I was just getting ready to leave." But He. "oh no, you don't." I laid my stuff back down, turned to them & said, "ok let's do this."
....full of the Holy Spirit, gazed into heaven and saw the glory of God, and Jesus standing at the right hand of God,
Acts 7:55
C-1 wrapped her arms around me & I laid my head on her shoulder.....she began to pray....she asked Jesus to come.....I only know that I felt relaxed......I was suddenly on the floor.....I was filled with joy....REAL joy....pure joy. I was laughing & crying at the same time....all the while He was telling me, "take it all daughter, I have lots more, take all of this joy!!!" I could literally feel the places that once held pain, fill with joy, the old was gone & He was filling me with His joy....I have no idea how long He filled me with the most wonderful, peaceful joy....but when He was done with that. I heard "do you have physical pain?" I said yes my lower back.....with the most gentle healing warmth I've ever felt, there was an immediate relief of pain....With that, I started thanking & praising God & tried to get up.....but, quickly He showed me that wasn't going to happen yet....the sharpest pain I have ever felt went from my right hip directly into my lower back....I winced & immediately laid back down. "Ok" I said. "I'm here, ready & waiting....."
Then, I saw it, a circle of light, surrounded by a rainbow.....the inside of it lit & blurred at the same time.....the feeling was unmistakable.......and indescribable at the same time. I felt like I was just where I needed to be....I never wanted to leave. I was loved. I was full. I was complete...."you have intrinsic value to me.....I love you. I made you, I placed each piece of you....intentionally.....there is no other you. I knew you before I created anything....I wanted you to be you. I love you even when you don't want me." I laid there receiving all that He was giving me.....again, I tried to get up....again the pain...I laid there & He poured into me more......again I tried to get up, I started to worry..."what if these ladies think I'm losing it??" again the pain...."they are probably staring at me" as I tried to get up again, this time even trying to roll.....this is where I met God, I felt Him LAY His Hands on each side of my waist.....He PHYSICALLY laid His hands on me. I laid there in awe....I couldn't move, even if I tried & I did several times. Finally....finally I let go, I let God lead me. He had me down as He shared His desire for me to LIVE without fear....Live within His plan, listen to His whispers. Stop trying to do it my way......He told me, "Live out loud for Me...don't let others thoughts of me lead me astray....live in His Word, let Him lead my feet. Stop rushing Him, stop doing His job." On & on He shared the feeling of fullness living for Him, alone, with me.....He was with me, physically with me.....me a sinner, me a woman who fails Him daily, momently some times!!!
I finally let go of my insecurities the world filled me with & let Him fill me up with Him....I laid my hands on His....I felt the hands of God....I touched my LORD!! He held me, He lavished His love on me....He whispered in my ear...."You are forever Mine!!"....this brought complete, unmovable faith front & center....He said....."I AM ENOUGH..." I knew at that exact moment He was enough, always...ALWAYS....I felt His hands lift...but didn't feel empty, I still felt filled. I thanked Him, I sat up....& then got up. I was exhausted, yet it was a wonderful feeling. I stood & picked up my stuff, said good night to the ones who were still there & not busy....then headed over to our room. On the way over there, I talked to Him, thanked Him, promised Him I would keep my eyes, ears & heart open to Him always.....I assured Him again, that I would go out of my way, to live out loud for Him. Not be ashamed to share my belief in Him, the wonderful things He does for me...from trimming me through trials & struggles, to the wonderful provisions He provides!!!
I packed my bag as much as I could, so I could enjoy breakfast with the ladies on our last day.....then laid down, I text my hubby & told him....I met God today.
More to come......thanks for your support!!
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