When does the bitter become sweet??

This mothers day is going to much more bitter than sweet for more than just myself & my little girl...my grandprincess's having to spend her first mothers day without most of the women who have been there with her & for her since she was born in 2011...she won't have her mama, I haven't seen her since Oct 2016 & her paternal grandmother died in January 2017...so she won't be hugging her this mothers day.

My heart is aching for my sweet grandprincess...but God sometimes reaches right into my thoughts & whispers #truth that stops me instantly in my tracks. You see He just helped me realize today, that this mothers day will be my grandprincess's daddy's & Aunties first mothers day without their mama...& her nanny's first without her daughter...

2 Corinthians 1:3-4

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.

Mothers day isn't always a day of celebration for everyone...this mothers day please share your hearts & love with everyone you meet...you may not understand what God is asking them to walk through.

To my grandprincess's daddy, Auntie & Nanny...along with ALL sweet D's family & friends...I'm so terribly sorry for your loss...may God Himself wrap each of y'all in His tender arms...to my grandprincess...God's moving these mountains & I know God's plans are to give us hope & a future...hang in with  me sweet one, God's got us!!! I love you & I miss you & God will bring you back again...I will prophesy like it is done.

How much do you really want it???

"Christianity, if false, is of no importance, and if true, of infinite importance. The only thing it cannot be is moderately important."

C.S. Lewis

Lately, God has been really surrounding me with some amazing women. Some here near me, some in other places...a very special one I've become very close with lately as God has placed her & her beautiful journey at just the perfect time...for both of us. Though we've known each other for about 7 years, give or take, we've attempted several times to get to know each other. She's about 15 years younger than me in this world's years...but in wisdom, she's ages wiser than I am.

Honestly, with the age gap comes differing interests in lots of areas & many times in the beginning when I first met her, I would let that keep me from letting myself get to really know this amazing person. But in the last several years it's been very different. Our differences are intriguing to me & I think her as well. Not only that but when we started having real conversations I instantly felt connected to her.

I am not an easy person to get to know. I am very friendly to everyone I meet, if I get half a chance. But I struggle sometimes with pride. So when I get excited about something I just find totally wonderful, or I believe I hear God is telling me something for someone else, I am kinda like that old game where the card holding machine would randomly just pop up & throw the cards in the air everywhere...I just pop off with what I heard. Some times it's not in a very gentle way at all...some times if I am being completely transparent...I would have to say it might even have a bite to it. Those times have injured hearts. They have done the exact opposite of God's plan...they have pushed people away from me & I would guess maybe even away from God.

So, this young woman I will call her my artist friend...so I will call her artsy. Artsy is gifted at so many things. She's just naturally talented at really interesting arts & crafts. She's taught me a little bit about my sewing machine, which I actually enjoyed, talent however was a whole other subject. She however has made several baby quilts & lots of other things, including a beautiful bag for me. Her heart is to teach others to enjoy creating. I believe this is her calling...not really to adults, but mostly to children...preschool & up. 

For me though it's really more than just learning arts & crafts or sewing from her. God placed her in my life to be His coarse sandpaper for me. He has used her several times to get my attention back...He's taught me through her that "it's not about me." She's a tiny little wisp, but she's a mighty soldier for God. I don't even know if she knows how mighty she is? But God does.

On several occasions in the last 7+ years when I have struggled with a test, or trial & gotten frustrated & been ready to give up hope...God used her to tell me to "stop letting it get to me. It is what it is...God doesnt tell us it'll be easy, He only says it will be worth it." When I have struggled with my children, husband or family she's reminded me that I can't control them...only how I react to them. 

I can honestly say this...if God has been telling me something nicely for too long...He will bring Artsy in & she has no fear...no fear of being honest, no fear of upsetting me, no fear of how I may react...she only has love for me...& in that love, she shows me she trusts me by being the friend God is asking her to be...a real friend, a biblical friend. 

We have also been able to share our hearts about struggles we have. We both feel things very deeply...in the past I have been one that reacts quickly & at times have regretted the quick reactions...just as quickly. But Artsy, she processes things. She is not "teaching" me by telling me how to process things...she actually is a wonderful example of this. She will stop, breath, process then either ask more questions...or share her heart with me. She doesnt have expectations that far exceed her willingness to be a part of...she makes the time to listen & sometimes just sit quietly with me, or me with her.

She told me from the beginning that she "likes a friend who answers the phone, or texts. Who follows through with plans they make & who isn't a part time friend." That was several years ago & I have to tell you that she does exactly that. She picks up the phone if she possibly can, she works during the day & it's difficult. But she will answer texts & call as soon as she's off. So her expectations come from the kind of amazing friend she is...that is what she wants.

Recently, Artsy shared with me that they are moving back to their home state. Probably the beginning of June-ish. I honestly thought I was gonna have a panic attack...but God. God reminded me that our friendship can withstand being mostly phone calls...He also reminded me that her home state, it's the home state to so MANY beautiful woman He has placed in my life...so He's just taking one more there. So I have honestly just had total peace about it. I think she does too. 

Today we spent the entire afternoon/early evening together. She picked me up & we went to a couple of stores. Then had lunch. Then she took me to take a very important step in this battle I am in. We picked up her wonderful man child & young woman child took them home & headed back out together. We ended up having to wait quite awhile at one place with lots of other people...most of the time people that are with me when I am around lots of people, get a little upset or maybe embarrassed of me because I love when God gives me the chance to talk to people...to smile & make conversation...but Artsy, she's a little shy, but in the right environment, she's more like a bright shining light!!! 

We headed back to the house so I could try to make it home before sweet hubby hit the sack at 7. I drove home thanking God for this dear sister...I see what a gift she really is...when I have felt sadness & said to God, "I waited so late." He reminds me that she's His princess & we have eternity.

So thank you Artsy, thank you for loving me enough to share truth even in times when you knew I would probably be in denial...but you trusted God enough to know that if you said what needed to be said...God could work through that. That my sister is REAL love...that's a REAL friend...you will ALWAYS be my sister, 

you will ALWAYS be my friend. Of course I will come see you...& phones are a gift from God.

A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity.

Proverbs 17:17

Zumba 1hr

Unpacking gifts...

As they were gathering[f] in Galilee, Jesus said to them, “The Son of Man is about to be delivered into the hands of men,  and they will kill him, and he will be raised on the third day.” And they were greatly distressed.

Matthew 17:22-23

I woke up this Easter morning grumbling "it's only 3:30 & I was so comfortable in my bed next to my hubby..." to not only myself, but my Poppa God. See being over the half a century mark, I wake up at least a couple times a night because suddenly I have the bladder the size of a peanut apparently. So most nights I just lay back down, unless it's when my sweet hubby is up getting ready to leave for work & I am blessed enough to share a few quiet moments while he gets his thermos filled & lunchbox ready...those moments I treasure. But this morning I knew that I wasn't going back to sleep as I headed down the stairs I was complaining about this...as usual. 

Yesterday I was blessed to go to a baby shower of my sister's daughter. I say sister because we have known each other since we were 15 years old & the first time we met at a video arcade in a tiny town in Arizona...that night we both looked each other up & down with the judgement of a teenage girl wondering what this girl is doing here...funny I thought she didn't like me that night...now over 36 years later we have loved each other as sisters & watched each other walk tough roads, bad choices & celebrated some wonderful blessings. Though sometimes due to circumstances we may go months, or even at times we have gone several years without even talking to each other, but when we do it's like we never missed a moment. She is my sister, truly God created her so perfectly. 

I hadn't seen her mom for a long, long time. I am thinking about 8 years or so. Her mom is an amazing woman. She's now 85 years old & she lives in her own personal place...mostly her memories of growing up & how wonderful her mama, papa & big brothers & sister are...she is suffering from dementia. This beautiful soul goes back & forth between remembering how amazing this world used to be & how horrible it can be. She shared with me yesterday, many times, how Hitler was a reality of her childhood...not from America far away from the reality of true FEAR, but from Austria where EVERY age understood the true meaning of FEAR. She shared that when she was growing up she was warned constantly "be careful who you talk to, there are very bad people out there." Her beautiful blue eyes teared up a bit each time she talked about how Hitler came & her mama was killed when she was only a girl of 13. She was the baby of 2 boys & 2 girls & she was very close with her mama...she explained that life was very hard after her mama died. Her mama always taught her that "it is good to show others you love them. We all need each other. So if you have something & someone else has a need you help them you don't keep it for yourself. If you see someone you know you hug them & it's ok to kiss you kids & let them know that they are loved & important" ...those same beautiful blue eyes. Those blue eyes that I remember always smiling & always having time to be there to take in all the struggles of a teenager, then a 20 & 30 something...all the way to 51. Many times I would run to her house to cry over my own struggles with my mom...from the teens to the 40's she would say "I can tell you she loves you or she would not be making you so good."  She would explain from the eyes of someone who knew how to be completely honest with out any kind of worry of offending. She only knows how to say it like it is, she wasn't raised with "little white lies" being ok...only total honesty. She would always finish with "I think she's trying to help you. She loves you." I always felt better after sitting at her kitchen table as she made "oxtail soup" & chamomile tea with honey for me & my sweet sister...as she listened to my complaints & then set a bowl & cup in front of me, my sister & she would sit down with hers for a moment & tell me what she thought. But a moment later she would be up running to the sink, grabbing the dishes & washing, drying & putting them away. 

Her blue eyes are now wrapped with creases & confusion, but they are just a clear & beautiful as they ever were. I am so grateful to have gotten to spend time listening & loving on this beautiful "mom" to so many, including me...I have always loved her & I will always love her. 

My own beautiful mom is about 15 years younger than sweet mama & though she has lapses in memory & may repeat herself, she doesn't have dementia so I had no understanding of the struggle the entire family walks...until yesterday. 

I have talked to my sweet sister about this many times on the phone over the last many years as her sweet mama has drifted farther into her own place. I know she loves her sweet mama dearly & I know that each day is exhausting for her. But seeing her with her sweet mama as she helps her get around, reminds her of important things, making sure she has what she needs & loving her...I see the gift God has given her. See I know that at times this might not seem like a gift to many people. 

I have watched her sweet mama love & care for so many people in her life...especially her girl, my sweet sister. She never had to go with out anything...including knowing she was loved. Her sweet mama has told me since the first time I met her over 36 years ago  "I just put her on my back & went to clean, cook & do wash for people." She didn't have anyone else to help her. She came to America from Austria without anything, or anyone. For as long as I can remember she was in housekeeping at the tiny towns hospital. She used to tell me how much it meant to her to "bless others with a nice clean space"...that sentence is the definition of who sweet mama has always been & though she gets lost in her own place today & she lives with her memories running over & over...it still defines her. The way she blesses may have changed a bit...but she still blesses. 

I believe that's where my sweet sister learned to be the amazing woman she is. I think I should call her Wonder Woman with all the titles I would have to put in front of woman. I am not saying that this is not hard for her. She has her moments of hiding in the quiet to cry, pray & breathe...I'm sure. But trust me when I say they are few & far between. 

Her sweet mama lives with her & her hubby, so she lives this every day. She works so God sent angel to sit with her sweet mama for 8 hours 5 days a week. I know God sent her because she is just what sweet mama needs, she speaks her native language & enjoys spending time with her. But pretty much every other minute, she is with her sweet mama. I love my mom, but I am not sure that would work for me.

She also has 5 girls & 4 grandkids, with another on the way. Only 3 of the girls were there yesterday for the baby shower. But as I watched each of them running around to help get stuff set up, I saw my sweet sister in each of them in a different way...one thing I saw in EVERY one of the girls was their mama's heart...sweet mama's heart passed onto another generation. 

Each one of them took sweet mama outside to enjoy the day & hang out with everyone. They each got her a plate & helped her with anything she needed. They sat & talked with her & smiled at her & showed her they loved her. They took pictures with her & told her how beautiful she looked...the entire time she just glowed, her blue eyes twinkled as she repeated over & over about making sure to "show everyone you love that you love them" & how "she is so blessed to have so many beautiful new clothes for the baby we had only a few things & kept them very clean, took care of them like they were new always." 

They know the struggle of seeing someone stuck in history...someone they love dearly. They also know the meaning of "Ohana...Family" in a very deep meaning of the word. No one left behind. They get stressed yet they take a breather while another one steps up to make sure no one is left behind.

When we got back to her house after the shower, she said dont leave yet I have your bag of gifts...we do that, get stuff for holidays, birthdays, etc. for when we see each other...It was so full it was ripping on the side, she said sorry but "I shoved one more thing in and it ripped", knowing I didn't mind at all. "Open it when you get home"...then she walked me out to my car. I looked at my sweet sister & thanked her for everything & assured her I would be praying for her. Then I looked into her blue eyes & realized they were the same sweet twinkling blue eyes as her sweet mama..."I'm so sorry my friend...you are amazing!!!" 

When I got home I unpacked the gifts she had filled the gift bag with, one at a time...each one made me realize just how wonderful she really is...how in the midst of everything she has been walking through, she still cared enough about me & knows me well enough that she can hand pick perfect gifts...gifts that take more than a quick run to the store...gifts that take a knowing & caring eye to spot & pick up because it looks like something I would like. Gifts like pictures in the beautiful frames...pictures of those I love most in each one...not just the frames. That's when you know someone really cares about you...they love you.

And the gift she's getting & will one day understand is just that...learning to live the definition of "ohana"...her sweet mama has made sure of that before she made her way to her own little place...the place she sees the twinkle in her own mama's eyes still & remembers how to love others the way she learned from her papa & family...by doing, not saying... 

I love you sweet mama & thank you for everything...I pray that I may bless you as you have blessed me for all these years...even if it's just listening & holding your hand...

"...faith as small as a mustard seed..."

 “You don’t have enough faith,” Jesus told them. “I tell you the truth, if you had faith even as small as a mustard seed, you could say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it would move. Nothing would be impossible."

Matthew 17:20 NLT

This post has been a very long time coming...today I finally could no longer ignore His whispers...today He lit a path for me & all I had to do was let go. I know I have shared with y'all  that one of my struggles is control...God isn't surprised by my weakness, in fact His mighty power shows up & shows off!!! 

So I haven't been able to see my grandprincess since October 22, 2016...I have come to be able to say this without crying now...but believe me this is something that God has had to gently show me where the peace He has for me is...in this very painful valley. He has held me close & cupped His hands for hours of tears falling from my broken heart. One of the biggest blessings in my life, is being a Nona...I dearly love my grandprince's & grandprincess's. I haven't had the opportunity to live close enough to most of them, but love from a far is just as deep as next door. I have made the most of the times I get to see them & talk to them. My grandprincess has lived with me for most of the first 4 years of her life...then her daddy made a choice that would rock the world as we all knew it since April 27, 2011. The choice he made was his & now the choice to not let her continue to have the support & love from my family...it is also his choice. I have learned in my life that I can make any choice I want, but the consequences are God's to make. I pray continually for my grandprincess & her daddy...I know she loves God, I know that she loves Him from deep in her heart!! That is where God placed His indescribable peace in this valley...in the knowledge that He is her God too!! I also just found my hope, in another relationship I thought would never change...but God is mighty...& God is faithful...

Recently, we were blessed by a wonderful surprise trip back to the midwest. We weren't expecting it, we had no idea that we would be taking a trip. My hubby has been laid off since October & let's just say if we didn't have a mighty God, you wouldn't be reading this right now...but God is faithful. Both our parents & our oldest daughter live there. I was honestly looking forward to seeing my dad & mom by love, also our daughter & oldest grandson...and also to meet our newest grandson who is now about 7 weeks old. I was feeling very anxious about visiting with my mom however...

Our visits have always ended in a string of hurtful words...the visits start our excited & glad to see each other because usually it has been awhile since our last "visit." But I think we are a lot alike about certain things...I know we may be on opposite sides of the subject, but we both have the same desire to be right...neither of us will let go & eventually the visit turns to a huge fight. We both seem to lose sight of the fact that we love each other...more than words could ever explain. The last time I saw my mom was Jan. 2016, when I took my youngest son with me on a roadtrip to take my mom & nephew back home. We had some struggles with the trip & we both were exhausted...that trip ended with me ordering 2 tickets home for the day after we got them home...originally we were supposed to stay a week. But because of a lack of control on both our parts, we fought & said things that hurt each other. 

After that we didn't talk for quite awhile...but eventually we started talking again. The biggest struggle I tend to have in my relationship with my mom is holding the past. My mom was only 19 when she had me...my daddy was a submariner & he was gone a good portion of my life until he retired. So my mom, was like a single mom...but until this moment, I have never looked at it like this...I am just now realizing this truth as I write this...another path we both walked. I think at 50 years old I am still learning & very grateful to have the opportunity to learn...that we are all people & that God asks us to all walk our own path, but our paths can be similar in the things they teach us.

So on our trip back there I prayed & I hoped...but I also didn't give her the benefit of the doubt. I kept hearing God whisper "faith the size of a mustard seed..." He also kept that verse in my mind & I saw it everywhere. We were headed to her house for the first night we got there....All I can say is when I saw my mom last, she was heavier than I had seen her ever, her skin was gray, she was using a walker, when she would get up & move...she was angry & sad...I was angry. I honestly wasn't expecting any change, other than she had lost about 65 pounds since I had seen her...but God is mighty...& He is always faithful.

We pulled up & my nephew came out to meet us...I walked to the door & you could have knocked me over with a feather when I looked in the door & saw my mom...my mom was standing in the door holding it open for me!!! She was STANDING without the aide of a walker, or anything, simply in her own strength...her skin was back to the beautiful color I remember when she was happy & alive...she was tiny...so tiny & her hair was beautiful, grown out & not the short style that she didn't have to take care of...she looked so full of life...she was my mom...she was just as beautiful as when she was living her life. She was making a life...my heart was overflowing with such joy!!! I hugged her so tight, I didn't want to let her go...I don't remember the last time I felt like that when I hugged my mom. We all sat down & began to visit & ate...my hubby was exhausted from the trip so he laid down with a full belly & the boys were in the bedroom playing video games. My mom & I sat there for hours talking & sharing...I suddenly realized the difference...just like me, God was changing her from the inside!! The changes He was making on the inside...were showing on the outside...another way she & I are alike!! 

This visit just didn't seem long enough...but I did get the opportunity to tell my mom that I could really see the changes that God was making on the inside...not just the weight she had lost...but the real changes. As we drove on to my family by love's house the next day...God whispered, "don't doubt the power of prayer...even faith as small as a mustard seed!!!"

Welcome to a new year...or WELCOME TO A NEW YEAR!!!!

Thank y'all for showing me the love...I got on here today to write a post & Poppa God took me here first...

WOW, that's humbling for me...that puts some things into #PERSPECTIVE for me...this #humble old Nona puts her fingers on the keyboard & God pours out a message to who He chooses...He walks me through it, either first, or during...but He always walks me through it.

I am just hopping on to tell y'all Happy New Year, may 2017 grow your relationships deeper than you could ever imagine, with God & those He places in your circle. Of course while I am on here I think I will just give you a small taste of what mighty work God's got in store for my next post...

My words for 2017 are #PERSPECTIVE2017 #HUMBLE #shineHIMbright #SINGLOUDLY & finally...#FOCUS. 

Poppa God has been whispering these words for a few weeks now...He has also started giving me my first Scriptures for 2017...the ones that He will be using to mold & shape me...to trim away more of my worldly ways...thank You Poppa God...thank You for not leaving me in my dark pit.

So far He's given me John 1:8...John himself was not the LIGHT he was simply a witness to tell about the LIGHT....Isaiah 42:8...I AM THE LORD; THAT IS MY NAME! I will not give my glory to anyone else, nor share my praise with carved idols...and He is whispering carved idols are the ones I carve out in my life...finally Isaiah 43:18-19...But forget ALL that--it is NOTHING compared to what I am GOING to do. For I am about to do something  NEW. See I have already begun!! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.

So, I am headed to a yummy get together...but God's got a whisper...is it for you?? or someone you know or love??? 

Happy New Year to you & yours,

Thanks for reading my blogs, I hope you will share them...if you like them.

For y'all...speaks for her, cuz she can't

https://youtu.be/QAXoHBxnRJk

Lost

I'm at a place where I'm screaming out to God...Jesus come. My little girl is gone again? I'm not sure why...if I could just figure that out...my heart is aching...Lord come...asking for prayers...thanks y'all...I'm trying to remember moment by moment...but God.

Moving mountains...

...Whenever I pray, I make my requests for all of you with joy, for you have been my partners in spreading the Good News about Christ from the time you first heard it until now. And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.

Philippians 1:4-6 NLT

Today as I sit down to write this, my heart is in constant prayer for my sweet sister M & Mr A & all the little A's & Mr M & little A...their sweet T finished her work here in this life after only 21 years & Jesus called her & her precious unborn angel Home with Him last week, just before the retreat they put their hearts into for me & my sweet sisters. We were all truly blessed by each detail God gave M & then she put into action...keeping her mind & heart focused on Him & His plan, instead of the unimaginable heartache & fear that the enemy would've liked her to...Thank you M & Mr A for your sacrifice in a time when most would crumble & fall...you are an inspiration to this old Nona, thank you for showing me what authentic faith looks like...for sharing with us how to walk into the darkest valley any parent could be asked to walk into & be the lighthouses to all who He places in your path...I am sorry for the pain, I know you wouldn't have traded a single moment...not one. T I met you as a total stranger your mama brought home...well via Special K & God's whispers...you didn't even blink, just look at me shyly with that sweet beautiful smile you have that showed the shiniest sparkle in your beautiful eyes & said "hello"...the last retreat I was blessed to enjoy with you there...the same sweet smile & twinkle...from the moment I met you all your little siblings flocked to you like baby quail following their leaders...the first vision God gave me of the moment you were called Home was of you holding a baby with many littles surrounding you & that same beautiful smile & your cheeks were glowing & eyes sparkled like diamonds. As I read the many woman sharing that they know that you are holding their lost children, I realize that God called you home to help love on those babies...He knows that the sisters your mama found will love your sweet baby A & remind him of who he got his twinkle from...you will never be out of mind, thank you for your kindness, acceptance & laugh...M, I am a mama praying for you mama...I am always here, for any reason...and if you know M you know that's a big statement. God moves mountains through her...in her...with her & Mr A's 

myrrhministries.org

Please if you feel led to help this young father who is now trying to raise their son & face life without his bride...click here to help with the mountain of medical bills he is looking at now. I know this would be a huge blessing...

https://www.gofundme.com/tiajakefund

So M, this one is for you...& your sweet girl...we will all laugh & hug & sing together again, when we go Home...

I tell you the truth, you can say to this mountain,'May you be lifted up and thrown into the sea,' and it will happen. But you MUST REALLY BELIEVE it will happen and HAVE NO DOUBT in your heart.

Mark 11:23 NLT

So, this verse...well this verse was whispered to me several times the last year and a half...more lately for sure. If you have read my blog posts you know that I share how God teaches me...how He is trimming away the worldly fleshly parts of me & He's replacing them with Him...showing me who He created me to be. Along this journey, which began at a steady pace honestly about 11 years ago, God has walked me through some of the roughest, most painful times in my life...He's carried me through at least the end of all of them. Each time we make it to the end of the valley & reach the mountain top I almost giggle with giddiness as I recognize the feeling of weightlessness that comes with release, surrender...letting go & letting God. Well this valley has been no different. 

I know that I've shared several times about my Little Girl...she had wandered off & away after a pretty painful argument several months ago. I struggled to hang onto God's hands in those first moments...each time I would go to church & be lifting my voice high in praise for God, I would see Him holding my hand & walking me into the next step of this journey then He would speak volumes in the moments the pastors would share their messages...He never left me. He carried me in moments I prayed for Him to take me Home & take away this pain...but God. God is in every moment. The moments we wish away & the moments we wish would never stop...in each moment it's our choice to seek God & His hand no matter the circumstances. He is ALWAYS there, maybe not in the way WE expect to see Him, but He is there. So even the moments when I thought I couldn't take another breath, He kept breathing for me...after all it is His breath in my lungs.

After a bit of walking in bitterness, self pity & just throwing a plain old temper tantrum I finally got tired of the way I was feeling. So I sat still, I got with God, I let Him show me...show me the parts He needed to trim. The parts that didn't bring glory to Him, but instead shined a light on those parts that needed to be trimmed so I could find His peace...let others see Him in me. This was about the time the women's retreat that Poppa God brought me to for the last 3 years was about to happen. but God. God knew that wasn't the time He had set aside for this retreat...none of the schedules could be synced & suddenly His plan was in motion...a plan none of us could expect...not this plan. Instantly I felt it...the usual build up of excitement. It was dashed by sweet hubby getting laid off & trying to finance 2 households in separate states became our reality...one day M posted a status update on the Facebook page for the retreat & my heart ached so I lifted up my request to God, "Lord if it's Your will, You will make a way." The next day, the next day, the very next day God sent M with a question..."if it was covered, would you come?" To which I looked up & said  "thank You Poppa" then sent back a text with His answer for me, "yes of course." That was the beginning of blessings in the form of being attacked continuously from that moment...those attacks let me know that I'm on the right path, God's path, so they are true gifts, sign posts if you will. The closer the retreat got, the more fiery arrows that started to fly...the harder it was to focus on God's path & not focus on the shiny arrows flying right by my face. 

It was easy for me to focus on the distractions the enemy was showering my life with...but God. God opened up my eyes. God reminded me that it's not about me...but about the ones He places in my path...it's about loving like Him, about sharing in other's pain & not looking only at my circumstances. That's when M shared that T was in desperate need of prayer, that she was fighting for her life & the life of her unborn child. In that moment I dropped to my face in prayer for this sweet young sister...praying for M, Mr A, T, her hubby & son, her siblings & extended family...begging for a miracle, begging for her life, for M never to feel the loss of her child...or Mr A to feel the loss of his little girl. I stayed in constant prayer for T like I never have...my Spirit constantly groaning in prayers I couldn't understand, nor did I try. 

The day C & I boarded the plane for Texas was long...but we finally landed in Texas & were taken to a sweet sister's house, by K & her daddy, D. We stayed at the same house we stayed at for the last retreat, it was comforting to know L & E...we didn't have long to rest our bodies, we had to be up about 4 hours later & ready to hit the road. Which actually surprised my exhausted body, but excited my wide awake mind. We were up & headed outside where we found several of our sisters already loading up the many bags & tubs of the hard work M had been putting into this weekend with God...the weekend He was asking her to stay behind instead, to trust Him & His plan...a plan that didn't include her physical presence...a plan that was asking her "am I enough? do you trust me?" & probably reminded her that He knows how much this ministry means to her, but it's still His. 

So as I walked out I spotted G & A, they were playing tetris with the bags & tubs...there were a few other women I didn't know & a couple of hubby's helping get it tied down...I walked out & hugged G & A...then went & introduced myself to little J & songbird K. Then like a bright light here came C-1 walking up & the joy just kept coming...hugs from my sparkly sister. Mr D followed, the first male speaker at one of our retreats. Before too long we were loaded up & just that moment God's perfect plan...here came M. Just in time for us to all hear from her, hug her & then lay hands on her to pray for her & her girl. Then hugs around, pictures & off we went. God placed me in C-1 & Mr D's car...with little J. Wow He knew what He was doing when He created His seating plan for this trip. As we drove into the darkness, waiting for the sun to rise, we talked & laughed...we shared with each other the words God gave us. I am like an open book, really...I'm sure y'all are surprised by this...wink wink. But I learned that where there are secrets, that's where the enemy has control...so if I keep it in the light, he can't have any power. I know that others are a little more reserved, they like to keep a tight hold on their struggles & share them only with a select few...don't get me wrong, I have things I only tell God Himself, but most of myself is an open book. 

Little J reminded me of my favorite aunt...she was so elegant, always looked put together, never a hair out of place...just knew how to take care of herself. Not that they are vain, just that it's naturally that way for them to take care. The part that spoke to me loudly was the part of this wise sister was her gift to speak to the truth into me & also share her struggles when she learned that I am walking a very similar path. She & I had more in common than I would've ever guessed...one of which was our Little Girls had wandered off & away from us. She too knew the pain of begging God for her girl to turn back again...so she could hug her & tell her how much she means to her. I know others may look at my Little Girl & say "wow, she's a lost cause" but Little J, like this mama, looked & saw a Little Girl who was hurting & lost. She spoke hope & life into this heartache...& I hope I did the same for hers. I know that her Little Girl is not lost, but Poppa God is giving her the same choice as He gave each of us...they just have to choose to say yes...we can't choose for them, as much as we want to & try to...when they choose to say yes, then He will flick that mountain in their way into the sea. During the road trip to the retreat, M called & let C-1 know that Poppa God had called her T home...she was with Jesus. With this news a somber quiet took it's place...& we all lifted a prayer for this sweet family, as the other cars in the caravan came along & we all joined hands in the middle of a few gas pumps...joined in one common request of peace & comfort for T's family.

When we loaded up, I moved over with C in Special K's truck...I was blessed to meet a couple more new sister's coming with Special K & Miss K. Cphone & baby J. Instantly I felt that connection with baby J. She was an open book like me, I appreciated her honesty, her complete vulnerability...she brought joy & laughter...thanks baby J, my fellow squirrel. The trip was long but we finally got to MC's house...the rest of this I will be sharing in another post but for now I will begin with the mountain in this post & start back up with us in worship on Saturday, before R-2 spoke about "releasing our children"...

As Little J & I began to sing praise to God with the other beautiful sisters...He broke that last piece of my desire to control & hold onto my Little Girl...I crumbled into a heap of pain & snot as Little J watched & came to my rescue with a tissue, then stepped up to hold this broken mama in her arms...she began to pray, I felt the calming of His presence immediately surround & cover every part of us...she spoke of God moving the mountains of anger & hurt...of us giving up the control we so desperately tried to hold onto...I prayed over her mountain too...we just stood there with sisters lifting up praise to God all around us, feeling the love...suddenly I felt the heaviness lifting, I felt the joy returning...I felt the release & the joy pour down. We continued with the session...the speaker was right on the mark...at one point I turned around to Little J & we just looked at each other & nodded, knowing that was a whisper of confirmation for us, directly from the LORD Himself...we smiled, grateful the other knew. After worship, I checked my phone, which was on silent...the red blinking light, that red blinking light. I just assumed it was my hubby, again. I quickly entered my pass code & when the home screen opened, I saw it...my Little Girl's facebook pic...I had a message from my girl!!! Less than 2 hours after asking God to move this mountain...He flicked it into the sea in Panama City, Florida...it was GONE...then as I began to cry with joy, the enemy automatically tried to steal my joy, to keep me from opening up the first message from my Little Girl in a while...he whispered "she's probably telling you not to text her friend...not to check up on her, to leave her alone forever..." just then my sweet sister, one who knows & understands my struggles as well...she & I met at my very first retreat...it was her first as well. Sweet B came beside me & asked if I was ok...I looked at her & she knew, I just lifted up my phone & she looked at me concerned..."it's a message from my Little Girl...but I am afraid to open it..." at the moment she didn't hesitate, she extended her hand & asked if I wanted to go outside...then helped me up. We walked outside where I really lost it, I burst into tears, uncontrollable for several minutes & when I had released all my worries & fears to God...I knew I was ready, ready for whatever that message contained. I knew God was there, He surrounded me with sisters who loved me & were there for me...I knew that if she wanted me to stay away, it would hurt...but God.

I started to read...my mountain was gone...He had kept His promise...I had asked, believed & He didn't let me down...He was faithful, He is faithful. She was inviting me into her life...she was sharing her life with me. My heart was overflowing down my cheeks & I joyously shared with B what the message said...my heart filled with gratefulness, with love & with an even stronger faith...faith in the power of prayer.

As I was riding back from Florida to Texas, God shared this whisper with me..."a mama who's little girl is breathing her last breath, as Jesus calls her complete & takes her Home...she's praying for a mama who's little girl has wandered away...the mama who's wandering little girl is united with another mama who's little girl is wandering, on the way to a far off respite God has predestined them for...they begin to pray for each other...God answers each prayer in His time & the little girls wandering mama finds herself on the other side of this struggle..the first part of it anyway...while the first mama is laying her child to rest & the last mama is still waiting for God's perfect timing, one mama is being reunited with her wandering little girl & celebrating her little girl marrying the man God created just for her...in the heart of the one mama...me, the enemy would love for me to question why? why did God answer my prayer this way?? What about the other mama's??? ...but God.

  

Birds of a feather...don't always flock together

This past month was the first in our new rental home. While my handsome hubby is still working on the northwest coast, he was able to come & help us get moved to the house. He had to return to work the Sunday after we got the stuff moved over, that was a hard moment...I thought. What I didn't know at the moment was that God's next plan included a much deeper knowledge of loneliness than I had EVER known in my 50 years. I probably would've never guessed what the ah ha moment would be...what the actual definition of the knowledge He was permanently etching in my heart. That it may have seemed to be about loneliness...but in the end was actually about "self preservation."

I love how my Poppa God surprises me. I can't say that I always enjoy the path getting to the surprise. Or that I always have joy, smile & say thank You Lord may I have another. No in reality most of the time I put up a struggle that would remind you of something caught in a trap that was ready to attack every thing that comes close. I fight anything that to me, may seem different, or too hard. I don't know why, God always trims away something that seems like He lifted the world right off my shoulders. Today He did just that as I sat watching the birds that stop to refill their tiny belly's at the old wooden bird feeder the last family left in the huge tree in our backyard. 

When we moved in the feeder sat empty. I don't know how long it sat empty, but it was empty for the first week I was here. I probably would've just left it that way...but every time I looked at it, I felt the urge to fill it. I remembered how much I enjoyed the feeders that my sweet hubby & little man made me at the last house. They made them out of plastic 2 liter bottles & large juice bottles with one of my wooden skewers...after they cut the point off of course. I would fill them & then sit out on the patio & enjoy watching the beautiful birds stop by to fill up before taking off. It was a very relaxing & peaceful activity for me. So off I went to the store & got a small bag of wild bird seed. It took me a few to figure out the lid just pulls straight up...in fact I just figured that out last week, a little slow I know. What I figured out really quick was the the little bag of bird seed I bought would only last 2 days...that's NOT a typo. 

Another thing I figured out is that God whispers everywhere...even in the moments of watching His simple creatures...like His birds. He has shared so much with me in the last several weeks of watching these innocent creations...all of which has led to this realization...every life He creates, is born with a "self preservation" filled heart. From the tiniest cell to the largest of His creations. We all have that instinct...we have to save ourselves...the reality of this floored me. We all want to protect ourselves. God created us this way...He wants us to choose Him...not us to pretend to choose Him. Really choose to allow Him to take control of even the smallest of details of our lives. Then because of all He is & Who He is...choose to listen & freely give Him all of our lives...every single piece of the puzzle...our tiny piece in His huge puzzle.

I have heard so many times, "God doesn't care about my ...., He has much more important things to take care of."...or this one I love...when I say "God just told me..." the person looks at me bewildered & says, "how do you know that was God?"...opens the door for God to come into the smallest of details sometimes. I believe whole heartedly that God will use whatever will get our attention, or whatever has our attention to get a word to us. Whether we are a believer or not...He will start to gently whisper through something & until He trims it all away, He will get louder & use much more literal signs. He does care about even the smallest bit of worldliness we hold onto. He knows that even that tiny piece can distract us...take our focus & trip us up. So every single piece must go.

Though we are born with the foundation of "self preservation" God wants us to allow Him to be the ONLY One we put our faith in, trust in without thinking about it. So I believe He also planted a desire for something more...more than anything in this world could EVER fill. So we start searching until we find something that seems to make us happy & fulfilled...until we find ourselves unhappy & wanting more...then we move on to the next one. Over & over again we fall victim to the distractions the enemy uses...regardless of what it is, it keeps us searching...

While watching the birds outside each day, God's shared several messages & I felt like they needed to be written down. So for the last several weeks I went old school & got out a notebook & wrote what I heard Him whispering. Today I finally got what He was trying to teach me...I can't even begin to tell you how long I have struggle with this issue...& in an instant I heard Him & knew the answer to why it's so hard to let go & let God.

Birds aren't educated, they don't live as humans do. Things that are important to me birds probably don't even notice...I don't mean things like eating, breathing, water & stuff like that...I mean how their feathers look to the pigeon next to them, or even if there's a pigeon next to them. They are focused only on the necessities of life...like living. Even though they are different, they are the same at the core...they live according to the "self preservation" built into them just like every other living creation. 

I noticed from the very beginning that just like with most people they will ease up to the wall & test the safety of the situation...because they are hungry, they will follow others. They line up on the wall...they will wait on the others to go first...they don't want to take the chance...let someone else take the chance. Then there's always one...just one, that will fly right in & land on either the feeder or the ground around where I throw the extra seeds & start to eat without even looking around to see if it's safe. It just knows there is food & it is hungry...don't get me wrong it is alert, very alert...but the empty little belly needs fed. Eventually most of the others will follow & it looks like the movie from the 60's in my backyard. 

In the beginning I noticed that they are easily distracted by fear of being hurt...but they have learned that I move around & will usually be sitting outside waiting for them. They don't understand for me it's a gift to watch them & it calms my soul...but I do. God & I have had many enlightening conversations during these quiet moments...He has taught me a lot in those moments I am still in His presence. They will fly away when the door is opened, or if I walk out in the yard...usually there is a loner that stays behind in the neighbors tree...it just watches me & when it feels safe enough it will come back & the others will watch & then follow. It's funny to me that the bigger the bird the more fear it has...the bigger birds take longer to find the food & then when they do, they take the longest to get off the wall...they go hungry sometimes because the are too afraid to just get off the wall before the door opens...or they will chase the littler birds away & stand guard so no one eats...eventually one of the littler birds will just fly past the bigger bird & eat. The others will see it's ok & follow the leader...they realize they don't have to fear the bigger bird.

It's funny that God has at times asked me to take the first step...let go of the fear holding me back & trust Him...put some action behind my words. In some of the times it was so others could see His strength & pull the blinders off someone He wants to reach...in others it was to trim away something I am holding onto...but in ALL of the times He was showing us Who He is...who we are to Him. Sometimes He wants me to stand alone, with Him only...in these moments I am finally learning that He is answering my prayers I have lifted..."dear Lord cleanse me of anything that's not like You." He is asking me if He is enough...even though my mouth may say yes...He knows my heart does not...yet. 

In this last month I have learned the definition of loneliness...I have never felt more alone. I have cried, I have raged, I have crumpled on the floor & asked why more times than I can count...when I unplugged my ears & shut my lips...my Poppa God whispered..."I will never leave you nor forsake you...I will always be here, even when I strip away the distractions, I will be here." Then the question that seems to follow that sweet whisper..."am I enough?" Each time I hear this question, I automatically say yes...I "say" yes...but I don't always live yes. I know God knows this & I am learning that this is usually the entrance to another level of our relationship...& the first step to another good trimming season.

I have many times "stood in the hallway" waiting for God to show me which way to go...honestly I have also stood in front of other doors holding them open...or keeping them closed. I struggle with change & getting in the way does make it harder...but I also have the "self preservation" gene...I want to not feel the pain, or make the choices. Many times in my life it's about moving forward...either me or who I am holding onto. God may not plan on us traveling any farther on the same path...at least for the moment. I however am comfy & will cling until it's too painful...then I will release. After I let go, God will show me...that moment is a moment I see just how mighty, powerful & loving my Poppa God is...I will understand why.

Sometimes either me or the other person is living with one foot in the world's ways & one foot in His plan. I know that this doesn't work...I also know that no amount of pressure I place on them, or how hard I try to convince them...ONLY God can change a person. I have to just keep in step with God, give them to God & keep on moving forward. Even in letting others go, I struggle with self preservation...it's easier to avoid the subjects & keep the peace, than to deal with the hurt that goes with facing what God's asking me to. 

So today when I heard Him whisper "self preservation"...I knew instantly what He has been walking me through this season...His one command...in John 15:12-14

This is my commandment: Love each other in the same way I have loved you. 13 There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. 14 You are my friends if you do what I command.

He is trimming away my instinct for "self preservation"...the instinct to choose me, before anyone else...to love me first. When I choose this instinct before choosing to be like Him, I am choosing the world before Him. He wants me to look to Him as my example...after all that's my goal, to be like Him...for others to see Him in me. The issue is that each time I choose "self preservation" others will recognize that. They will see the flaws, the dirt, the past. When I choose to put others before myself, God is glorified & He works through it all. They won't recognize this & they will look at you like you're crazy, because they are looking for a clean mirror not a dirty, broken old window...in a world full of squeaky clean mirrors, God is asking me to be a dirty, broken, flawed window...a window that with all it's broken pieces, still shines God's glory as He cleans me up & pieces me back together...He is showing others Who He is in my choice to let go of my "self preservation" He is reminding me that though the world tells me I have to be a shiny mirror, be like everyone else. Dont get me wrong, the world may say, "let's keep the peace & be the same" but the real peace comes from God & real peace doesn't look like peace in the depths of pain & sorrow, only in the surrender that follows saying yes to being the broken, dirty window, then I can see Him & His plan...He is the clean spots in me.