"Out of Order"

Then he said, “I beg of you, my Lord Jesus, show me grace and take me with you into your everlasting kingdom!”

 Jesus responded, “I promise you—this very day you will enter paradise with me.”

Luke 23:42-43 TPT

Today my only biological sibling, my little sister, Sis', should've been 51...I was going to say, would've, but honestly today I feel like she should've been 51. Not that I don't trust God's plans, I just miss my sister...and though she took her life during the heat of a battle with this life, I know that God is sovereign over all things...and that night, that dark spring night back in 2002, she had no armor to put on...she had no weapons to fight with...she had no more strength to take on another day of war against herself. Many times I have thought to myself, "oh I wish I would've been there...I wish I would've known...I wish I would've stopped having expectations of her that she couldn't live up to... I wish I would've been a better big sister."

Instead of drowning in the cruel distractions of questions that can't and won't be answered until I join her in Heaven, God called this day my "Out of Order" day...His plans are only to give me hope and a future, so today He whispered, "hang an out of order sign on your bedroom door and take a walk down memory lane with Me." So, what does a "Daddy's girl" do when He asks her to spend the day with Him??? Right I argued with Him...you thought I was going to say, she listens to God and hangs the sign, didn't you? Well, no actually I started with every excuse that comes to a mom, Nona and wife. "Lord I can't do that my kitchen is a wreck," "I can't do that I need to go grocery shopping," or "I can't do that I need to work out." Finally, when all my arguments were met with Him reminding me "it's ok to take a rest day, trust me, all those things will still be there when tomorrow comes." Then He shared this sweet nugget with me from Mark 6:31b

So Jesus said to his disciples, “Come, let’s take a break and find a secluded place where you can rest a while.”

You guessed it, here I am...enjoying a "Sabbath" of sorts. While I was relaxing in His word this morning, during my morning gift of just lingering with Him and His promises, He took me to Job 11:13, "“If you would prepare your heart,

And stretch out your hands toward Him;" This is the NKJV...but as I was writing this He took me to the MSG translation of Job 11:13-20...

"Reach Out to God"

13-20 “Still, if you set your heart on God

    and reach out to him,

If you scrub your hands of sin

    and refuse to entertain evil in your home,

You’ll be able to face the world unashamed

    and keep a firm grip on life, guiltless and fearless.

You’ll forget your troubles;

    they’ll be like old, faded photographs.

Your world will be washed in sunshine,

    every shadow dispersed by dayspring.

Full of hope, you’ll relax, confident again;

    you’ll look around, sit back, and take it easy.

Expansive, without a care in the world,

    you’ll be hunted out by many for your blessing.

But the wicked will see none of this.

    They’re headed down a dead-end road

    with nothing to look forward to—nothing.”

I get now why God asks us to go deeper with Him...He isn't trying to drown us in rules, NO quite the contrary, He's giving us His grace, He is giving us direction that will bless us...and others. While my usual reaction to this date is one of sadness and should haves, could haves and would haves, He is asking me to "come away with Him..." To let Him make the plans and me just put one foot in front of the other. 

Today instead of drowning in a pool of tears, don't get me wrong I have cried several and I have sobbed into my Saviors arms, I am choosing to walk in His memories of 2 sisters He grew together. So here goes I am letting Him guide me with this new journey, without Him...well without Him I couldn't do this.

God reminded me this morning that He placed us side by side for a reason. I remember being by my Sissy's side for many of her huge moments. She was the exact opposite of me and for a good portion of our childhood that was very evident. We may have battled to the death of a couple of our stuffed animals, and I bribed her not to tell on me many times with things she didn't have that I did, like a radio, or tv or clothes...but let someone say a word against either of us, or one of us feel the crushing pain of being hurt and we forgot every thing we ever did to each other. My little sister was my battle comrade and I was hers. She was quiet and didn't speak up for herself, even when she had a right to...according to the worlds views. We weren't raised with the knowledge about God, we weren't raised in a family where we started our days in God's word, or even to say grace before each meal. Not that we were raised in satan's house, our parents just had not learned about how to live with and for God, so they didn't raise us with this important piece of wisdom. 

But all these years later, after God has gotten a hold of me and I realize that though she didn't know why, she had no desire to have a battle of words with others, instead she would walk away...silently. Though she had no idea she was living according to what Jesus said, she was. Though God has and is teaching me about how regrets can shape and corrupt my life, for most of my life I have lived in a state of regret mostly because of my inability to walk away silently. I am learning though, in fact it is actually becoming my reaction when someone hurts me, and I start to lash out in anger. I don't know if it's because my sister was the youngest, and she always had a big sister by her side growing up, but I do know that God created her to know how to respond. In fact my mom will tell you that I always had an answer for everything, she would say, "why can't you be like your sister, she knows when to be quiet and let it go?" When I was younger, and before I met Jesus, I would shout back at her...I would need the last word.

But these last few years, God is showing me the peace in just silently walking away, while I ask Him to shower them with blessings. In Proverbs 11:12, Mean-spirited slander is heartless;

    quiet discretion accompanies good sense...I am reminded that always having to have the last word, well that is only going to end up hurting someone and in the long run it ends up hurting me. Jesus used God's truth when He was tempted by satan in the desert, He didn't use hurtful, angry, or bitterness to try to battle the liar of this world. So the farther I get in my walk with Jesus, the more He is arming me for the attacks the enemy and his minions wage against me. I am learning that I don't have to have the last word to the person, but I can take my desire to have the last word to God and lift their name up with a genuine request that He bless them. 

My little sister lived this way for pretty much all of her life, she was a little more bold about speaking her mind as she got older, but it was really just her being honest. She grew to be very blunt, her filter was still there, but her big sister wasn't. I can think about the hours we would spend playing barbies, riding our bikes, or skating around and around our driveway...I also have a memory of trying to protect her from the darkness of a babysitter who would linger in the hallway, or offer to play hide n' seek with us...I was there the night she found the only man she ever loved in their marital bed with another woman and her child...I had to tear her off him as she ripped her fingernails off in his chest while he protected the other woman...I remember many nights of her protecting her big sister in bars as I drank myself into a crazy stupor and then danced on the edge of safety. She battled against the devil as I fought suicidal attacks and she refused to let me give into them, even slapping me across my face when I screamed one night in hers about letting me die!! I was at her weddings, both of them. I was at the birth of a child she placed for adoption and also her youngest child while she sucked on one toostie roll pop after another because she was craving a cigarette so bad. She was there during the birth of my daughter and also was the only one there when I carried and gave birth to the boy God asked me to be a birth mom to...in fact she's the only one, besides me, that met him and held him...she carried him to the nursery. 

God had us side by side for most of 34 years...and for the last 16 years and 5 months I have not had her by my side. The woman who would physically fight a man in my defense...she took a 10 mm handgun, loaded it with a hollowpoint bullet, grabbed her Bible and a pen...wrote, "please forgive me God, I can't take the pain anymore," sat down at her kitchen table and put the gun to her chin and pulled the trigger...with that single act I lost my built in best friend, confidant, protector, and more than that...my only sibling...my little sister. No one could've ever convinced me that my little sister would take her own life, she was not a suicidal person...she was way to tough for that. But the wars raged and she couldn't fight them alone anymore...she didn't really know God, only that He could save her...in Heaven.

For a long time after that I felt like I had to make excuses for her taking her life, I would say she shot herself, but I know she is in Heaven because...and at one of the retreats I went to with MYRRH Minstries a friend reminded me that my sister is free, I don't have to protect her anymore...that she didn't leave this world to get away from anyone but herself, her broken mind. 

I started this post out with Luke 23:42-43 in The Passion Translation...these Scriptures were the perfect reminder for this big sister on a day that I should be celebrating the birth of my little sister who took her life...regardless of how far we are away from God, it only takes one breath, one whisper of His Name, to bring Him back to us. 

Sis', 

I miss you, I am sorry you felt so alone... I will be by your side again, when God calls me home. Thank you Sis' for making your last breath, Jesus' Name...Happy Birthday to you, my Sissy.

Love,

your big sister 

Unpacking...

I am in the midst of chaos...mostly because I moved from one state to another a couple months ago. It feels like I just moved yesterday...everyday. I had prayed for about 5 years for God to move us to Texas...but for the last 3 of those years I was double minded about this move. I wanted to move forward with God, but felt stuck where I was because of the decision of one person, that disrupted the entire world we all knew. But God, He hasn't nor will He ever, leave me in the pit of self destruction...and when He said move...I finally realized it didn't matter how much I wanted my life back, it was not His plan and where He puts a period I can not change it to a question mark. I fought hard not to leave the state that my grandprincess was locked in a tower of silence for the last 3 years...but God's plans are to bring me hope and a future...so here we are, Texans. She is still locked away in her own tower, I pray she's happier than the last time I saw her...I know she knows God and even though they don't allow her to learn more about that love, God will protect her faith, even though I can't. So He has asked me to trust Him and pray for them, as I move forward which is a huge step in my faith. 

The last almost month, I have not even known where my laptop was to sit down and try to share all God's done in my life through the retreat I went to in March. There is so much left unsaid...but God will move through me in His perfect peace...and in His perfect timing. So, I wanted to jot down a word that He gave me recently, until He starts to share a message from the retreat He blessed me with for my 52nd birthday.

When God took me to my first retreat with MYRRH Ministries all those years ago, He showed me where He would take me when He took me out of the exile I was in...Texas. The people here in the south are just different. I know that is true of every part of the country. The south, however, is truly my land of milk & honey. I have been in the desert for so long that when I made it here, I was met with a similar view...until I got to the town God had for me. Where there was rock and cactus, there is now grass and trees. When I smiled and shared a "hello" with a stranger there, I was met with either a shocked look, or just ignored...it wasn't very often I was met with a smile and joyful, "hello"...but here, well I am surprised with the reactions, they are not shocked, and do not ignore...but more often than not, I receive a joyful, "Hello."  I won't say that those from the desert never had a joyful, "hello" response, but most times they didn't. I don't look at them and think negatively, I just recognize that I wasn't where God wanted me...I was where I wanted to be. Or rather, where I was planted as a child.

More than just the reactions to a hello, Texas is a land of growth for me. God brought me to the "Bible belt" knowing what His plans are for me. The reality is I still have to act on His direction. I can't sit in my house and whine about what should be, could be, or would be...I have to make the choice to listen to His guidance and move according to them. This is just what I am finally starting to do here in my new home. 

I love The Passion Translation's, John 10:9-11

I am the Gateway. To enter through me is to experience life, freedom, and satisfaction. A thief has only one thing in mind—he wants to steal, slaughter, and destroy. But I have come to give you everything in abundance, more than you expect—life in its fullness until you overflow! I am the Good Shepherd who lays down my life as a sacrifice for the sheep.

There's NO denying God's plans in this beautiful paragraph. God didn't strip me away from the desert exile to take me away from an abundant life, no He rescued me from the daily pain and double minded arguing with myself and Holy Spirit. He knew that the position of my heart was keeping me imprisoned in a life of "what if" or "if only"...in the prison of bitterness and anger that had taken over my life. He knew that nothing I could do would save me from the enemy in myself. He sent His Son to save me from the wretch that is buried in me...the pieces that kept me away from the abundant life He has for me. 

Today, I still have unpacking to do and I still have people asking me "are you unpacked yet?" At first I slipped back into myself and felt "less than" because I am not on their time schedule...but God, He reminded me that He uses others to keep me moving sometimes...so now I look around and say, "no not all the way" and look up and say "thank You Poppa, for not leaving me in my pit. Give me the desire and energy to keep up with Your steps and plans."

I am very happy to share that the TRUE forgiveness God was asking me to receive for those hiding my grandprincess in her HIGH tower, is complete. I have taken my shattered heart to my LORD and He gave me a new one to live in...I don't understand why He asked me to accept this journey, but I know that He is healing my shattered heart and only He can give me the life of abundance He has for me. So I will not question, I will simply enjoy the gift He has given me and continue to pray for everyone involved. After all, LOVE is NOT an emotion, it's a way of life.

Jesus here we come...

Today my sweet sister sent me a link to a great sermon from Elevation Church, Pastor Steven Furtick, called "Dysfunctional Comfort." I love the relationship that is already like a life long sisterhood, after about 18 months. God gently set this beautiful, smart, and bold sister down in my life at the last MYRRH Ministries retreat, "The Joy comes in the Mourning." That was my 4th retreat and her first. Since then we have talked so many times, we've cried together, shared laughs and also done some hard conversations. This will be our first time being back in the same place though, and can I just share how excited I am. In about 24 hours I get to see my sister and hug her. This last 18 months has not always been easy. We have both had joyous occasions and also heart break, but one thing we both knew we had was each other.

She is definitely a gift from God. At a time when many other people, including family, have run away from me and my struggle with change and control, she stands next to me. She isn't just a "trophy" friend who is just for the good times. She's not afraid to be next to me during the darkest hours of either of our lives. She has boldly spoken God's message to me, even knowing that I may react in anger and possibly lash out at her. She doesn't shy away from the truth God's giving her to share, she isn't distracted by my outbursts. She loves me enough to speak the hard truth and then give me a moment to accept it. She's not blinded by my defensive reactions, she knows my desire is to live for God, all the time. She also isn't afraid to let me share a word with her. Even with the hard stuff, she seeks God's message and trusts my heart is to love her, not hurt her. She's knows how much I love God and she knows how much I love her. 

I can't begin to share just how many amazing sisters God has blessed me with at my retreats. These sisters come from so many different states across the US. The one thing I see that is common, our love for God and to live for Him boldly. Every single year I explain to people that I get to go be myself, live my faith out loud without fear of offending someone. Not that I don't live my faith out always, but they don't look at me crazy and most know me and love me anyway. Many have shared words with me, words that I have never spoken or thought over myself. They see someone I don't see most of the time, or through those who live close to me. They also accept who they see, they love me regardless of me. 

I don't know if I can explain the depth of the love I have for women I see once a year, or sometimes only ever see again on Facebook. I can't explain why I am so comfortable with these women, I can only share that my heart is to live boldly for God, all the time. They have been a huge part of my walk of transformation. This year I am hoping to meet the sweet young woman who hosted the "Biggest Loser" challenge that God used to get me on His path of transformation. I have yet to meet her, her mama is one who has walked me right into the presence of Jesus on many occasions, and both her mama and daddy prayed with me and shared a truth from God with me at the last retreat. I know that this family is a wonderful gift from God. 

So I just want to say, Texas here I come, ready for all God will speak, pour out and usher in at the "Propelling Prayers" retreat. I am coming filled with the excited anticipation of the mountains God will move this year...and all the hugs and love that these sweet sisters bring and share...every year. If you are searching for an annual retreat filled with the presence of God, check out this amazing ministry, 

http://myrrhministries.com/index.html

They are amazing, they love Jesus and they live Jesus.

God gave me you...

These were his instructions to them: “The harvest is great, but the workers are few. So pray to the Lord who is in charge of the harvest; ask him to send more workers into his fields.  Now go, and remember that I am sending you out as lambs among wolves.

Luke 10:2-3 NLT

Today as I was searching for the perfect verses for this message, Luke 10:2 came up. I opened up chapter 10 to read above and below it. My first response was confusion...I read it again and this time I listened to the Spirit. I love that God will generously give of truth to me, without hesitation. These are Jesus' instructions to the disciples He sent out. There is a lot of great instruction in this chapter. I could go on and on, I was just confused at first what this had to do with the message title He gave me. Then I understood, Holy Spirit has a way of bringing God's understanding my way, when I stop and listen.

Whether the "workers" are sent from God, or satan, they are there for a reason. The only reason God allows them into my story is so He can use them to teach me. They will serve His purpose, with or without them knowing that. They don't have to understand, or even know God for Him to work His purpose through them. The one message I don't want to miss in these words Jesus, Himself, spoke to His disciples and those who stopped to listen, is that "the harvest is great, but the workers are few." this powerful truth is followed up by the perfect instruction, "So pray to the Lord who is in charge of the harvest; ask Him to send more workers into His fields." This just hit me out of nowhere...ask for more workers??? 

When I think of workers from God I think of those people who just shine Jesus...He is definitely the Lord of their lives, no doubt. Reading this with His Spirit...well it brought fresh understanding for me. These verses may mean something completely different to me later, or may mean something completely different to you. For me today, this message is about loving and appreciating ALL the "workers" God uses in my life to mold me and transform me. The ones I love and the ones I "try" to love. For God there is NO difference between them. This is what He's teaching me. So when Jesus gives the instructions to pray to God and ask for more "workers," He's not saying to only ask for the easy people. He's saying ask for ALL people. In fact, several verses down in Luke 10:25-29, it says...

One day an expert in religious law stood up to test Jesus by asking him this question: “Teacher, what should I do to inherit eternal life?” Jesus replied, “What does the law of Moses say? How do you read it?” The man answered, “‘You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your strength, and all your mind.’ And, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ “Right!” Jesus told him. “Do this and you will live!” The man wanted to justify his actions, so he asked Jesus, “And who is my neighbor?”

Jesus doesn't say, Love the nice people who believe the way you do, and don't push your buttons. When the religious expert answered His question, Jesus told him, "Right!" Jesus told him he was right, he gave the right answer...and yet the first thing the man did was try to "define" who he was to love.

 I see me in this question so many times. There are so many of those God calls my "neighbors" that I would be so much happier without ever having cross my path. I know that if I was honest I would have to admit that there are some that have taught me so much about the sins I still harbor in the deepest parts of my heart. They have unknowingly held a mirror up to me in some of my darkest moments...not that they just mirrored my sins, God showed me where I was hiding the same sins. Where I was holding onto pieces of who I was before I found Him. Those moments are painful, they are brutally honest and they are some of the most teachable moments for God. 

A couple years ago I found this sign in the clearance aisle of Hobby Lobby...

For all this time I have looked at this sign to remind me that God gave him to me. I have only recently started to understand a deeper meaning. God doesn't just give me my family and friends...He gives me everyone who will bring His word to life in my story. Even those the enemy tries to use to distract me, will only be a distraction if I choose to only see the distraction. If I dig deeper and search for the teaching God has instead, I will find what God has for me. This is how God grows me up and matures my faith. God can also use my teaching moments to grow someone else's faith, to teach them. If I am humble enough to be transparent about my sin.

This new meaning has opened up many areas of me that I am realizing are still broken and lost. I have shared that I am pretty much constantly in prayer for God to place a guard at my lips and to be my self control. These 2 important parts of me are many times the ones I tend to hold onto, with a very tight grip. I struggle with being right. Many times I know what I am talking about, and in my prideful heart, I will make sure everyone else knows I was right too. In my desire to let them know that I am right, I never fail to tell them they were wrong. With the sweetest voice and the purest intentions...why are you laughing? Ok ok, I will be honest. I am definitely not the gentle type. I know my dad used to say "you're like a bull in a china closet." For years I have listened to answer, to be right. It's less about offending them and more about being right. So I am not "loving" them like Christ, it's more like teaching them...with an electric cattle prod. I don't know about you, but I learn less from the prod and much more from the love that Christ gives abundantly through those living for Him. 

Since I have found Jesus and I made the decision to follow Him, I have to make the choice to continuously surrender my heart and life to Him. When I truly surrender old, broken pieces of who I was, He doesn't throw those pieces away. No Jesus does not waste. He will pick them up and clean them up. He will teach me through the whole process. He can teach others through my learning too. What once was lost will again be found, only this time the power that the brokenness had over me and my life, well it will be replaced with God's wisdom and love. My willingness to share those hard lessons will ignite a gentle humbleness for me. A humility that will be less about talking and more about living. I will be able to let go of my need to be right and focus instead on living out God's greatest commands...like 

Some of the most painful lessons I have learned have been at the cost of relationships. I have cried over and chased after these people, I have even taken it upon myself to drag them back into my life. That never works for long. If it's me dragging them back or them dragging me back, it won't take long for the same divider to come back up. Some people I am not prepared to share a hard truth with and some people can't share a hard truth with me. That's ok. Those are the moments God is teaching me that I still have a ways to go. It's the times I rush ahead and try to teach His lesson for Him that I tend to struggle with the most. It's also in those times I am grateful for just how patient and merciful God is to me. Instead of giving up and turning away, He is faithful to stay and keep teaching me. 

When I go off on my own strength and share what I believe His message is with someone, more often than not they only hear condemnation and judgement from me. Then defense is my instant go to and I jump right in full force and try to push my understanding off on them. Almost always without any consideration of the consequences. If it's my understanding and not what God means they won't hear Him, just my demanding, judging words. The consequence this usually gets is they never hear the message God had for them. There have been times I am sure that have actually chased people away not only from me, but also from God. 

But God is faithful and forgiving. He will not give up on me. He is teaching me just how important words are. They have the power to give life, or death. In Matthew 12:36-37 it says this about the words that leave my mouth...

I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak, 37 for by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned.”

My words will leave a legacy. They will leave behind the love of Jesus, or the selfishness and hurt of a broken person. Words can be weapons of destruction, or life giving seeds. As I grow deeper into my relationship with God and I surrender the most painful and broken parts of who I was, I understand that He is not surprised by my desire to save others from the same pain. This truth brings with it an understanding for me...while the enemy comes to try to convince me that I'm less like Jesus than the world, God reminds me that I am His work in progress. He shows me that with each difficult lesson I learn from, the more transformation He makes in me. I know I still have a long way to go, but the more I dig into His teachings, the closer I get to my Poppa God. My prayer becomes, 

"Lord place a guard at my lips and keep showing me the way to self control. May I bless people and not curse them with my words. May they hear Your message in love, so they find You. Thank You Poppa for every person you give me."

Do you have a housekeeper?

When I was younger I remember hating having to clean house every weekend. My little sister and I would wake up early and do our best to sneak to my mom's bedroom door and close it quietly. We knew if she woke up, even just for a moment, she would yell her usual question/order, "DID YOU GIRLS GET YOUR HOUSEWORK DONE????!!!!!" Then we would have to get to work cleaning the kitchen and living room, our rooms and our bathroom. But if we could get away without waking her up we would have a morning of watching cartoons and eating cereal in front of the tv on the floor, before having to do our house work. If we sat in front of the tv we could keep the volume down and hopefully mom wouldn't wake up. If we woke her up, we would be put to work. 

When I say cleaning, I learned about 3 kinds of cleaning when I was growing up. The first was the "pick up" kind of clean. That's the kind my mom taught us to do everyday. Just mostly picking up after ourselves so the clutter would be manageable and dishes at night. But on Saturdays we did the second kind of cleaning. I called it "cleaning GOOD." That's the when we had to polish the wood furniture, put everything in it's place and sweep, or vacuum. We would do the bathroom just as good, it was scrubbed clean and readied for another week. Then we would head to our rooms. My sister would usually just get busy and get her room done. However, I hated to clean. I used to sit for hours in my room because I didn't want to clean my room good. But my mom would NOT give in. She would let me sit in there for as long as it took. Sometimes those days turned into evening and I would end up having dinner, doing dishes and then going straight to bed with my room still a wreck. Me thinking I won.

 Other times I would take the path of least resistance and shove clothes in drawers, or my closet or even under my bed...when I say I didn't like to clean, I really mean HATED to clean. Those times more often than not my mom would go to put something away in my room while I was at school, or out playing and that would be the beginning of her "helping" me clean. She would pull every piece of clothing from my closet and dump every drawer in my dresser in the middle of my room. She would flip my bed up on the wall and leave it up there. During this rampage she would be screaming and cussing, and a rage would continue to build in her with every bit of mess she would find. Sometimes I would come home in the middle of the rages, those days could tear my self worth down because of the words she used. But the days that she went in my room when I was gone, well those were probably what taught me how to "teach" people with destruction. Those days I would come in without having any clue that my mom had even gone into my room. I would walk in and she would be her normal self, never giving away a hint of the HUGE mess I would be walking into. She knew what I was walking into, she knew I was going to get mad. She would then come into my doorway and stand and yell orders at me. 

The third kind of cleaning, well that one I can only describe as the "pretend" cleaning. That was done when people from out of town were coming to stay with us, my parents were having a party or some other major event that my mom wanted to see her house as a "perfect home." This kind of cleaning I think made me hate cleaning more than either of the first 2. This kind of cleaning meant every single inch, every crack, inside and outside. We all worked on this cleaning. If you stopped for a moment, mom assigned you more work!! I think that I hated it most because I knew that every other day we lived in a normal house, not a museum. When I got older I would say "Why do we have to pretend to have this perfect house when people come over?!?!? It's being fake!!!!" That of course was a gateway to a HUGE blowout between us. She would scream berating threats angrily and what I couldn't say out loud I would say in my thoughts. Well I told myself every time, "I will never do this pretend cleaning when I have my own place!!!" Of course for many years I did exactly this. 

  For a long time my homes were a wreck. If people showed up unexpectedly I would pretend not to be home. If I knew someone was coming I would sound like a drill sergeant and pretty much redo everything anyone did. I would go from my cabinets being empty of clean dishes and having to wash one to cook or eat, to every dish being clean and put away. There was never an in between. I hid in my room and I didn't care what anything outside that looked like. Honestly when I lived in my room I kept everything I might need within an arms reach. This kept my life within my control, but my house was chaos. But if someone was coming, I'd be out barking orders and being everything I hated growing up with my family. I didn't realize that the way I lived my life was directly reflected in my housekeeping. Then I met God.

Funny thing is that when I met God He didn't say "you have to clean your house." In the beginning I still lived with a dirty house in the chaos. I honestly didn't relate my relationship with God, with cleaning my home. I couldn't even relate getting into God's word, with a relationship with God. I could keep my relationship with God in one part of my life and every other part of me in another. I lived for God when I thought about it, remembered or needed to look like it. But really living for God takes much more than just accepting Jesus as my Savior. Salvation is not instant in who we are, only how God sees us. God asks us to give Him ALL of us. He knows when we say yes what our expectations are. As our Creator, He is already prepared and not at all surprised when we expect instant perfection. He also isn't surprised when we get in a rush, get frustrated or even when we fall away. He doesn't put us in our rooms until we do what He wants us to. No He does the exact opposite. He lets us make our own choices, because He sees His whole plan. He will wait patiently for us. He has personal knowledge of what it will take for us to really learn what He's teaching us. He knows change is hard for me. He also knows when I am faced with change I will fight against it, as long as I can. But He waits for me.

So as I am reading my book for my women's Bible study, "Open Your Bible" (by Raechel Myers and Amanda Bible Williams) they share this bit of truth, 

"There's a kind of unsettled comfort in keeping the messy parts of our lives out of the light. There is comfort, but NOT peace." 

Instantly I think about the state of my house, and I puff up a little because I have come a long way from the chaos and dirty mess.  As I was reading I had been thinking to myself, "the closer I get to God, the more I learn about Who He is, the cleaner my house is becoming. The cleaner I NEED my house to be, continuously. I want it more organized and less chaotic, both inside and outside."  The more He changes me the more I recognize the changes He's making. With this new knowledge I decided to search through His word on the subject of a clean house. So I searched Google for Scriptures about house cleaning...this is the truth He gave me.

This was the first time I have read these in the Message translation. It brought new understanding to these Verses! As He's been cleaning me of the sins I was drowning in, it's ignited a fire for me to clean my house and keep it clean. Not only spiritually, but physically. Where there is less clutter, dirt and chaos, there will be less distraction. There are less places for the enemy to sneak in. The closer I am growing to God, the more mature my faith is getting. Then I went to my usual translation, the NLT to see the difference...

I love that God says that as I let go of the dirty, messy parts of me and begin to seek Him, I will crave more of Him. I will then understand real salvation. When I make my relationship with Him and learning about His will for me my priority, He will bring about change in every part of me and my life. Some of the changes will be very recognizable, and some changes will be subtle, like a clean house. As I look back on the different times in my life that I have had the messiest house, those were moments I was the most lost. On the opposite side are the moments I was closest with God and my house was clean. When I let God in to clean out the darkest, messiest parts of me that I have been burying and hiding forever, that's when the REAL cleaning gets done. That's when I learn how much more I appreciate a clean house and heart, than the mess and dirt of the old me. That there are going to be dark corners He has to bring to the light, for them to be cleaned up. Those moments may be painful, but God is answering my prayers for a clean heart.

Not that every moment of every day my house is dust free or spotless, but it is clean and I gladly answer the door. Believe me we still have all 3 kinds of cleaning going on in my home. In fact if you talk to my family today, they will tell you they hate when people come to stay for a visit, only because of my expectations of  cleaning that has to be done. I actually end up only having 1 helper, and he reluctantly helps. When I am cleaning I find myself complaining about having to do it all and arguing with God about how much I have to do while others sit. He reminds me that my expectations are the reason I have to do it alone. God has taught me that if I leave the messes in the dark corners, they will grow into an unmanageable mess, one that will be much harder to clean. In those moments I usually start talking about having a housekeeper...then I remember that I have a housekeeper, the only housekeeper I'll ever really need...Who's your housekeeper?

Who are your warriors?

Can two people walk together

    without agreeing on the direction?

Amos 3:3 NLT

This weekend Pastor Bill brought this little goody out. It's not one that I remember reading, but it's etched deeply into my heart now. It seems pretty simple and straight forward, on the surface. When God brings it to life through the heart of a mighty messenger, one who boldly shares Truth without fear and isn't afraid to throw a throat punch or 2, it takes on a much deeper meaning as the truth comes out. 

The truth is that we can't be going in more than one direction in our lives. We can't walk in faith and the world. We can't walk hand in hand with those who shun God and walk hand in hand with God. Don't take what I'm saying wrong, let me state clearly up front that I am not saying stay away from those who don't know God, or even those who hate God. Jesus said in

Mark 2:17

When Jesus heard this, he told them, "Healthy people don't need a doctor--sick people do. I have come to call not those who think they are righteous, but those who know they are sinners."

God wants us to love, unconditionally, but He doesn't want us to live the same as those who don't know Him. They will never know Him if we seek to please them and walk the same lost path. What I am saying is that when I try to live just like the world, I can't live to please God. That's clear in

Galatians 1:10

 Obviously, I’m not trying to win the approval of people, but of God. If pleasing people were my goal, I would not be Christ’s servant.

Sometimes it's hard to distinguish between those who God places around us as warriors. For me His warriors are people who will speak God's truth in my life without fear. Letting anyone who calls themselves my friend speak into my life, has been a pitfall of mine. I tend to go all in when it comes to friendship. I have never been able to keep up a fake mask up for long. So a lot of them haven't lasted. That's been something I have been really giving to God and He's gotten me to the point of not even putting on the mask. It saves me a lot of heartache as I realized that if I am just who God created me to be, always, my tribe finds me. I don't have to go out to seek them, I don't have to pretend to be someone I'm not. I can accept who I am created to be and embrace me. God gives me everyone He knows I need, just when I need them. Like Pastor Daniel says, "my tribe has my vibe."

 There aren't many warriors in my life, but the ones He sent are true warriors. They love me. They aren't put off when they have to share a hard word and they know I have a tough time hearing the hard stuff. They stand firm in the truth and love me in spite of me. I see God moving mightily not only in their words, but I see Him living and breathing in their lives. This is important for me as I am seeking hard after God. If I don't see God in their lives how can I expect them to speak Him into mine? Not that God can't speak through anyone and anything He can. I take the word to God's Word to see if it line's up. That's how I know if it's from God.

I know that the warriors God is surrounding me with all have the same desire for me as I do. They love God and they want to see me living in His peace and chasing His plan. They don't bring the hard truth with excitement they bring it with faith. I believe they feel blessed God asks them to share His truth with me. They don't want to see me stumbling around in the darkness, they want to turn on the Light to help me. As I have started to really take that in and realize that they are the safety God is surrounding me with. 

In Proverbs 27:17 it says,

As iron sharpens iron,

    so a friend sharpens a friend.

I'd say it's pretty clear about what a real friendship is. It's not always giggles and fun. We have to be willing to both hear the truth and also speak it in love. God is not saying for us to seek out the things that irritate us, or we think are wrong and go give our friends an earful. No, not at all. He does ask us to first pray to Him about the stuff He shows us. I have to make sure I am not comparing their stuff to mine. That I am not holding myself up as the guideline of what they should or should not do. Only God knows the plans He has for each of us. Once God gives me the words and my heart is in the right place, then I take His message to them. It's all about where my heart is, if it's buried in God and not out of selfish control, He will shine through. 

Some of the people we call friends will not being going where God is taking us and that's ok. All God asks us to do is keep moving with Him, He will change the scenery, He will change the seasons and He will change those people He surrounds us with. But our core group of friends should be speaking boldly His truth into us. They shouldn't be part of our core if they aren't lifting our names in prayer. 

My prayer is that we all pick up our cross everyday and walk with others who are lifting up their crosses everyday. And on the days that our cross or theirs is too heavy to carry alone that we will carry ours on one shoulder and theirs on the other. Lord let me never try to dull Your light and may I always walk brightly for You.

How much do you really want it???

"Christianity, if false, is of no importance, and if true, of infinite importance. The only thing it cannot be is moderately important."

C.S. Lewis

Lately, God has been really surrounding me with some amazing women. Some here near me, some in other places...a very special one I've become very close with lately as God has placed her & her beautiful journey at just the perfect time...for both of us. Though we've known each other for about 7 years, give or take, we've attempted several times to get to know each other. She's about 15 years younger than me in this world's years...but in wisdom, she's ages wiser than I am.

Honestly, with the age gap comes differing interests in lots of areas & many times in the beginning when I first met her, I would let that keep me from letting myself get to really know this amazing person. But in the last several years it's been very different. Our differences are intriguing to me & I think her as well. Not only that but when we started having real conversations I instantly felt connected to her.

I am not an easy person to get to know. I am very friendly to everyone I meet, if I get half a chance. But I struggle sometimes with pride. So when I get excited about something I just find totally wonderful, or I believe I hear God is telling me something for someone else, I am kinda like that old game where the card holding machine would randomly just pop up & throw the cards in the air everywhere...I just pop off with what I heard. Some times it's not in a very gentle way at all...some times if I am being completely transparent...I would have to say it might even have a bite to it. Those times have injured hearts. They have done the exact opposite of God's plan...they have pushed people away from me & I would guess maybe even away from God.

So, this young woman I will call her my artist friend...so I will call her artsy. Artsy is gifted at so many things. She's just naturally talented at really interesting arts & crafts. She's taught me a little bit about my sewing machine, which I actually enjoyed, talent however was a whole other subject. She however has made several baby quilts & lots of other things, including a beautiful bag for me. Her heart is to teach others to enjoy creating. I believe this is her calling...not really to adults, but mostly to children...preschool & up. 

For me though it's really more than just learning arts & crafts or sewing from her. God placed her in my life to be His coarse sandpaper for me. He has used her several times to get my attention back...He's taught me through her that "it's not about me." She's a tiny little wisp, but she's a mighty soldier for God. I don't even know if she knows how mighty she is? But God does.

On several occasions in the last 7+ years when I have struggled with a test, or trial & gotten frustrated & been ready to give up hope...God used her to tell me to "stop letting it get to me. It is what it is...God doesnt tell us it'll be easy, He only says it will be worth it." When I have struggled with my children, husband or family she's reminded me that I can't control them...only how I react to them. 

I can honestly say this...if God has been telling me something nicely for too long...He will bring Artsy in & she has no fear...no fear of being honest, no fear of upsetting me, no fear of how I may react...she only has love for me...& in that love, she shows me she trusts me by being the friend God is asking her to be...a real friend, a biblical friend. 

We have also been able to share our hearts about struggles we have. We both feel things very deeply...in the past I have been one that reacts quickly & at times have regretted the quick reactions...just as quickly. But Artsy, she processes things. She is not "teaching" me by telling me how to process things...she actually is a wonderful example of this. She will stop, breath, process then either ask more questions...or share her heart with me. She doesnt have expectations that far exceed her willingness to be a part of...she makes the time to listen & sometimes just sit quietly with me, or me with her.

She told me from the beginning that she "likes a friend who answers the phone, or texts. Who follows through with plans they make & who isn't a part time friend." That was several years ago & I have to tell you that she does exactly that. She picks up the phone if she possibly can, she works during the day & it's difficult. But she will answer texts & call as soon as she's off. So her expectations come from the kind of amazing friend she is...that is what she wants.

Recently, Artsy shared with me that they are moving back to their home state. Probably the beginning of June-ish. I honestly thought I was gonna have a panic attack...but God. God reminded me that our friendship can withstand being mostly phone calls...He also reminded me that her home state, it's the home state to so MANY beautiful woman He has placed in my life...so He's just taking one more there. So I have honestly just had total peace about it. I think she does too. 

Today we spent the entire afternoon/early evening together. She picked me up & we went to a couple of stores. Then had lunch. Then she took me to take a very important step in this battle I am in. We picked up her wonderful man child & young woman child took them home & headed back out together. We ended up having to wait quite awhile at one place with lots of other people...most of the time people that are with me when I am around lots of people, get a little upset or maybe embarrassed of me because I love when God gives me the chance to talk to people...to smile & make conversation...but Artsy, she's a little shy, but in the right environment, she's more like a bright shining light!!! 

We headed back to the house so I could try to make it home before sweet hubby hit the sack at 7. I drove home thanking God for this dear sister...I see what a gift she really is...when I have felt sadness & said to God, "I waited so late." He reminds me that she's His princess & we have eternity.

So thank you Artsy, thank you for loving me enough to share truth even in times when you knew I would probably be in denial...but you trusted God enough to know that if you said what needed to be said...God could work through that. That my sister is REAL love...that's a REAL friend...you will ALWAYS be my sister, 

you will ALWAYS be my friend. Of course I will come see you...& phones are a gift from God.

A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity.

Proverbs 17:17

Can you see them?

 

 

         



 

 

 

Last week I made the 1/2 century mark...yes I turned 50...or as I like to say, "I am 29 with 21 years experience." I did realize that more than likely, I am more than 1/2 way through my life...which is exactly what Poppa God wanted me to remember...I am pretty sure. He has been placing people in my path forever, of course I only started to recognize this in the last 3-4 years. Before that I thought those who crossed my path were a lesson, or a blessing...and I decided which by how I felt about you...what you did or didn't do to me, or for me. The way of the world...do to others, before they do to you.

 

As those of you who have read my blog over the last couple years know God asked my little girl to say yes to a HUGE step of faith & place the beautiful little feather into her mama's arms...after raising her for several months. The mama He created Little Feather for...the one He asked to step out just as boldly & accept that He brought her little girl to her another's womb. If you haven't been following you can find all my posts here on my blog...please feel free to share any feedback, I love it when people share their heart with me.

 

One day this week I woke up with pictures of Little Feather in my thoughts...I remembered having a dream about her...I don't remember the exact dream, I only know I woke up feeling an overwhelming rush of joy & sadness all at the same time. I started to cry, I started to wonder...I whispered to Poppa God, "did her heart ache for my little girl after we left that evening???" I suddenly felt the recognizable comfort of my Poppa God's Arms wrapped gently around me...holding me, covering me in the peace only He can give. Then pictures of her eyes twinkling & her chubby little cheeks came rushing forward...the smile that she blesses the world with. I found my peace again and went on with my day.

 

A few hours later I received a message from Little Feather's mama...she shared with me that while she was scrolling down her Facebook page with Little Feather in her lap earlier that day, they came across a picture of me & when Little Feather saw it she said "grandma"...in that exact moment I lifted my face to my Poppa God with tears flowing freely down my face...I whispered "thank You Poppa, thank You." He whispered to me, "she's ALL good." The overwhelming mercy He showed in answering me in my moment of struggling with the enemy's lies, poured out over me and filled me back up with the peace He has in His will.

 

Just then Sr, my oldest son came out and said "are you crying??" Of course I couldn't hide it. Me and Sr have differing beliefs on Jesus. We have agreed to respect each others beliefs and we do not push ours onto each other...I am just living with the prayer that he will hear God's calling and say yes. So I explained why I was crying and how I was grateful for the quick response to my question to God that morning. Of course Sr is skeptical...most people are, especially at first. But Poppa God is faithful and He does give us exactly what we need...So we ended up on the subject of Little Feather's aunt...a young woman Sr hung out with in Jr High...of course his head turned when I mentioned her name..."what does she have to do with Little Feather??" he asked. "She's her aunt." I answered.

I could see the amazement in his face..."Really?" he asked, a little shock in his voice. I explained to him that her dad is this young woman's brother. My son explains to the little girl & Jr that he and my little sister used to hang out with her and one of her brothers. After he was done I finally say, "Isn't it amazing how God works...when you were Jr's age you hung out with Little Feather's aunt & uncle...with no idea that God had a much deeper plan for our families...a plan that would intertwine our families forever." Sr actually went to school with Little Feather's dad & possible mom back years before the jr high...in another town. So God actually brought our families together back many years before He asked Little Girl & Little Feather's mama to take a HUGE step in faith. I love that He shows His amazing building of a plan to us...after we say yes to Him.

Poppa God has been giving me more and more chances to step out in faith...to go deeper into a relationship with Him...He has blessed me with so many different gifts. Some I have recognized right away...others He has taken years to mold and shape until just the right moment...the moment when He brings it all together and we all marvel at the depth of His love. Sometimes He asks us to give and sometimes He asks us to receive...both are difficult for us because we are taught from a very young age that God only cares if we are good enough, He doesn't deal with the minute details of our lives...just the big ones.

Well I have learned that He does care about EVERY detail of me...not only my life...but me. He cares if His princess is hurting and He meets me in the pain. Sometimes He gives me the answer I am asking for...other times He simply holds me in His mercy and unexplainable peace while I wait. It's actually my choice to allow myself to be immersed in His arms...EVEN during the hard times....or I can choose to feel the pains and pressures of the struggle...either way He's always here, always ready, always caring...