"Out of Order"

Then he said, “I beg of you, my Lord Jesus, show me grace and take me with you into your everlasting kingdom!”

 Jesus responded, “I promise you—this very day you will enter paradise with me.”

Luke 23:42-43 TPT

Today my only biological sibling, my little sister, Sis', should've been 51...I was going to say, would've, but honestly today I feel like she should've been 51. Not that I don't trust God's plans, I just miss my sister...and though she took her life during the heat of a battle with this life, I know that God is sovereign over all things...and that night, that dark spring night back in 2002, she had no armor to put on...she had no weapons to fight with...she had no more strength to take on another day of war against herself. Many times I have thought to myself, "oh I wish I would've been there...I wish I would've known...I wish I would've stopped having expectations of her that she couldn't live up to... I wish I would've been a better big sister."

Instead of drowning in the cruel distractions of questions that can't and won't be answered until I join her in Heaven, God called this day my "Out of Order" day...His plans are only to give me hope and a future, so today He whispered, "hang an out of order sign on your bedroom door and take a walk down memory lane with Me." So, what does a "Daddy's girl" do when He asks her to spend the day with Him??? Right I argued with Him...you thought I was going to say, she listens to God and hangs the sign, didn't you? Well, no actually I started with every excuse that comes to a mom, Nona and wife. "Lord I can't do that my kitchen is a wreck," "I can't do that I need to go grocery shopping," or "I can't do that I need to work out." Finally, when all my arguments were met with Him reminding me "it's ok to take a rest day, trust me, all those things will still be there when tomorrow comes." Then He shared this sweet nugget with me from Mark 6:31b

So Jesus said to his disciples, “Come, let’s take a break and find a secluded place where you can rest a while.”

You guessed it, here I am...enjoying a "Sabbath" of sorts. While I was relaxing in His word this morning, during my morning gift of just lingering with Him and His promises, He took me to Job 11:13, "“If you would prepare your heart,

And stretch out your hands toward Him;" This is the NKJV...but as I was writing this He took me to the MSG translation of Job 11:13-20...

"Reach Out to God"

13-20 “Still, if you set your heart on God

    and reach out to him,

If you scrub your hands of sin

    and refuse to entertain evil in your home,

You’ll be able to face the world unashamed

    and keep a firm grip on life, guiltless and fearless.

You’ll forget your troubles;

    they’ll be like old, faded photographs.

Your world will be washed in sunshine,

    every shadow dispersed by dayspring.

Full of hope, you’ll relax, confident again;

    you’ll look around, sit back, and take it easy.

Expansive, without a care in the world,

    you’ll be hunted out by many for your blessing.

But the wicked will see none of this.

    They’re headed down a dead-end road

    with nothing to look forward to—nothing.”

I get now why God asks us to go deeper with Him...He isn't trying to drown us in rules, NO quite the contrary, He's giving us His grace, He is giving us direction that will bless us...and others. While my usual reaction to this date is one of sadness and should haves, could haves and would haves, He is asking me to "come away with Him..." To let Him make the plans and me just put one foot in front of the other. 

Today instead of drowning in a pool of tears, don't get me wrong I have cried several and I have sobbed into my Saviors arms, I am choosing to walk in His memories of 2 sisters He grew together. So here goes I am letting Him guide me with this new journey, without Him...well without Him I couldn't do this.

God reminded me this morning that He placed us side by side for a reason. I remember being by my Sissy's side for many of her huge moments. She was the exact opposite of me and for a good portion of our childhood that was very evident. We may have battled to the death of a couple of our stuffed animals, and I bribed her not to tell on me many times with things she didn't have that I did, like a radio, or tv or clothes...but let someone say a word against either of us, or one of us feel the crushing pain of being hurt and we forgot every thing we ever did to each other. My little sister was my battle comrade and I was hers. She was quiet and didn't speak up for herself, even when she had a right to...according to the worlds views. We weren't raised with the knowledge about God, we weren't raised in a family where we started our days in God's word, or even to say grace before each meal. Not that we were raised in satan's house, our parents just had not learned about how to live with and for God, so they didn't raise us with this important piece of wisdom. 

But all these years later, after God has gotten a hold of me and I realize that though she didn't know why, she had no desire to have a battle of words with others, instead she would walk away...silently. Though she had no idea she was living according to what Jesus said, she was. Though God has and is teaching me about how regrets can shape and corrupt my life, for most of my life I have lived in a state of regret mostly because of my inability to walk away silently. I am learning though, in fact it is actually becoming my reaction when someone hurts me, and I start to lash out in anger. I don't know if it's because my sister was the youngest, and she always had a big sister by her side growing up, but I do know that God created her to know how to respond. In fact my mom will tell you that I always had an answer for everything, she would say, "why can't you be like your sister, she knows when to be quiet and let it go?" When I was younger, and before I met Jesus, I would shout back at her...I would need the last word.

But these last few years, God is showing me the peace in just silently walking away, while I ask Him to shower them with blessings. In Proverbs 11:12, Mean-spirited slander is heartless;

    quiet discretion accompanies good sense...I am reminded that always having to have the last word, well that is only going to end up hurting someone and in the long run it ends up hurting me. Jesus used God's truth when He was tempted by satan in the desert, He didn't use hurtful, angry, or bitterness to try to battle the liar of this world. So the farther I get in my walk with Jesus, the more He is arming me for the attacks the enemy and his minions wage against me. I am learning that I don't have to have the last word to the person, but I can take my desire to have the last word to God and lift their name up with a genuine request that He bless them. 

My little sister lived this way for pretty much all of her life, she was a little more bold about speaking her mind as she got older, but it was really just her being honest. She grew to be very blunt, her filter was still there, but her big sister wasn't. I can think about the hours we would spend playing barbies, riding our bikes, or skating around and around our driveway...I also have a memory of trying to protect her from the darkness of a babysitter who would linger in the hallway, or offer to play hide n' seek with us...I was there the night she found the only man she ever loved in their marital bed with another woman and her child...I had to tear her off him as she ripped her fingernails off in his chest while he protected the other woman...I remember many nights of her protecting her big sister in bars as I drank myself into a crazy stupor and then danced on the edge of safety. She battled against the devil as I fought suicidal attacks and she refused to let me give into them, even slapping me across my face when I screamed one night in hers about letting me die!! I was at her weddings, both of them. I was at the birth of a child she placed for adoption and also her youngest child while she sucked on one toostie roll pop after another because she was craving a cigarette so bad. She was there during the birth of my daughter and also was the only one there when I carried and gave birth to the boy God asked me to be a birth mom to...in fact she's the only one, besides me, that met him and held him...she carried him to the nursery. 

God had us side by side for most of 34 years...and for the last 16 years and 5 months I have not had her by my side. The woman who would physically fight a man in my defense...she took a 10 mm handgun, loaded it with a hollowpoint bullet, grabbed her Bible and a pen...wrote, "please forgive me God, I can't take the pain anymore," sat down at her kitchen table and put the gun to her chin and pulled the trigger...with that single act I lost my built in best friend, confidant, protector, and more than that...my only sibling...my little sister. No one could've ever convinced me that my little sister would take her own life, she was not a suicidal person...she was way to tough for that. But the wars raged and she couldn't fight them alone anymore...she didn't really know God, only that He could save her...in Heaven.

For a long time after that I felt like I had to make excuses for her taking her life, I would say she shot herself, but I know she is in Heaven because...and at one of the retreats I went to with MYRRH Minstries a friend reminded me that my sister is free, I don't have to protect her anymore...that she didn't leave this world to get away from anyone but herself, her broken mind. 

I started this post out with Luke 23:42-43 in The Passion Translation...these Scriptures were the perfect reminder for this big sister on a day that I should be celebrating the birth of my little sister who took her life...regardless of how far we are away from God, it only takes one breath, one whisper of His Name, to bring Him back to us. 

Sis', 

I miss you, I am sorry you felt so alone... I will be by your side again, when God calls me home. Thank you Sis' for making your last breath, Jesus' Name...Happy Birthday to you, my Sissy.

Love,

your big sister 

Unpacking...

I am in the midst of chaos...mostly because I moved from one state to another a couple months ago. It feels like I just moved yesterday...everyday. I had prayed for about 5 years for God to move us to Texas...but for the last 3 of those years I was double minded about this move. I wanted to move forward with God, but felt stuck where I was because of the decision of one person, that disrupted the entire world we all knew. But God, He hasn't nor will He ever, leave me in the pit of self destruction...and when He said move...I finally realized it didn't matter how much I wanted my life back, it was not His plan and where He puts a period I can not change it to a question mark. I fought hard not to leave the state that my grandprincess was locked in a tower of silence for the last 3 years...but God's plans are to bring me hope and a future...so here we are, Texans. She is still locked away in her own tower, I pray she's happier than the last time I saw her...I know she knows God and even though they don't allow her to learn more about that love, God will protect her faith, even though I can't. So He has asked me to trust Him and pray for them, as I move forward which is a huge step in my faith. 

The last almost month, I have not even known where my laptop was to sit down and try to share all God's done in my life through the retreat I went to in March. There is so much left unsaid...but God will move through me in His perfect peace...and in His perfect timing. So, I wanted to jot down a word that He gave me recently, until He starts to share a message from the retreat He blessed me with for my 52nd birthday.

When God took me to my first retreat with MYRRH Ministries all those years ago, He showed me where He would take me when He took me out of the exile I was in...Texas. The people here in the south are just different. I know that is true of every part of the country. The south, however, is truly my land of milk & honey. I have been in the desert for so long that when I made it here, I was met with a similar view...until I got to the town God had for me. Where there was rock and cactus, there is now grass and trees. When I smiled and shared a "hello" with a stranger there, I was met with either a shocked look, or just ignored...it wasn't very often I was met with a smile and joyful, "hello"...but here, well I am surprised with the reactions, they are not shocked, and do not ignore...but more often than not, I receive a joyful, "Hello."  I won't say that those from the desert never had a joyful, "hello" response, but most times they didn't. I don't look at them and think negatively, I just recognize that I wasn't where God wanted me...I was where I wanted to be. Or rather, where I was planted as a child.

More than just the reactions to a hello, Texas is a land of growth for me. God brought me to the "Bible belt" knowing what His plans are for me. The reality is I still have to act on His direction. I can't sit in my house and whine about what should be, could be, or would be...I have to make the choice to listen to His guidance and move according to them. This is just what I am finally starting to do here in my new home. 

I love The Passion Translation's, John 10:9-11

I am the Gateway. To enter through me is to experience life, freedom, and satisfaction. A thief has only one thing in mind—he wants to steal, slaughter, and destroy. But I have come to give you everything in abundance, more than you expect—life in its fullness until you overflow! I am the Good Shepherd who lays down my life as a sacrifice for the sheep.

There's NO denying God's plans in this beautiful paragraph. God didn't strip me away from the desert exile to take me away from an abundant life, no He rescued me from the daily pain and double minded arguing with myself and Holy Spirit. He knew that the position of my heart was keeping me imprisoned in a life of "what if" or "if only"...in the prison of bitterness and anger that had taken over my life. He knew that nothing I could do would save me from the enemy in myself. He sent His Son to save me from the wretch that is buried in me...the pieces that kept me away from the abundant life He has for me. 

Today, I still have unpacking to do and I still have people asking me "are you unpacked yet?" At first I slipped back into myself and felt "less than" because I am not on their time schedule...but God, He reminded me that He uses others to keep me moving sometimes...so now I look around and say, "no not all the way" and look up and say "thank You Poppa, for not leaving me in my pit. Give me the desire and energy to keep up with Your steps and plans."

I am very happy to share that the TRUE forgiveness God was asking me to receive for those hiding my grandprincess in her HIGH tower, is complete. I have taken my shattered heart to my LORD and He gave me a new one to live in...I don't understand why He asked me to accept this journey, but I know that He is healing my shattered heart and only He can give me the life of abundance He has for me. So I will not question, I will simply enjoy the gift He has given me and continue to pray for everyone involved. After all, LOVE is NOT an emotion, it's a way of life.

Growing beauty in the ugly...

 I planted the seed in your hearts, and Apollos watered it, but it was God who made it grow. 

It’s not important who does the planting, or who does the watering. What’s important is that God makes the seed grow. 

The one who plants and the one who waters work together with the same purpose. And both will be rewarded for their own hard work.

1 Corinthians 3:6-8

This year I planted some sunflower seeds I had gotten many years ago. They were the giant ones...the ones with the big beautiful faces. I can't pinpoint one reason for waiting so long. I just knew this year was the year I would take the seeds out of the packages & plant them...love them, talk to them & watch them bloom. I wanted to grow something new & after reading about the wonderful extra large faced ones...I knew they were the ones I wanted to spend my time & effort on this year. 

I researched the best ways to start these beautiful, smiling lovelies. I learned that the seeds that grow in the center, creating that smile, would eventually feed the birds that visited my backyard & that was ALL I had to read. I was determined to love these seeds to their very best selves. I would plant seeds of love & harvest a crop of joy. But that doesn't always look like what I imagine, in my rose colored mind. Sometimes the reality of behind the perfect pictures of the beautiful things on the package, well it only tells a very small part of the whole story. Just like with life. It's what's in between that is why that picture is as beautiful as it is. 

I got them planted a little later than I had planned, but I got them in the soil. Then I added them into my normal morning routine. I would do all my feathered friends waters, birdbath & my doggies water bowl...then fill all my feeders...then I would water & sing or talk to the sweet seeds hiding in the soil. It didn't take long to see the first sprout...proudly springing up to brighten my day with a fresh breath of life in the air. I name him, Adam.

Fresh new life. I was so excited to share with everyone that the seeds I planted were sprouting. I get so excited to share joyous news with those I know, I forget that they may not be as excited as I am. For a long time I would be more selective about who I shared my excitement with. I worried about offending others, I worried about what others would think/say about me sharing a wonderful blessing. Sometimes my blessings don't seem to be the same for others, in their lives. It may be more burden & less joy for them. God has taken the last several years to teach me that I may not be a fit for everyone, but I am just what He created me to be. So through too many experiences to count, I have learned that it's ok. It's ok to be excited & to share my excitement with others...as long as I remember that they may not react the way I am expect & that's ok, God has taught me that it's NOT me they are reacting to, but themselves. So I share.

Before I got up the next morning 2 more beautiful green sprouts were peeking out & a tiny little one was just reaching the surface...

For several mornings after that day, I was blessed with at least one new beauty breaking through the dirt that had covered it until it was ready to share it's beautiful face with the world. Each new green sprout, brought me such joy & pretty soon I felt like I had a new litter to take care of. 

As they started to seek the sun, they started to stand taller...trying not to be the one with the shadow, but the one that was always bathed in the warmth of the sun. So funny that in life it seems that when we think others have something, we need it too. That if God asks us to step back into the position with less, we tend to compare what we have, with what others have. If we come from a view of "we all deserve..." well we will live in a constant state of "the grass is greener..." I, myself, have found that when I start looking around at what others are doing, getting or being, well it makes my life look "less than." If I stay in that mindset, I will stop seeking what God has for me. I will miss out on what God has for me & what God has is always better. 

As the days, then weeks went by my litter of future seed bearers kept growing. They were growing so fast, then a late bloomer came up one day. I called him Paul.

Paul came along right before I was going to transplant them into a couple of storage tubs...I decided that if I plant them mobile, I can take them with me. I tend to get attached to living things. 

I used to consider this a curse. But God. He has shown me that loving living things is how He created me. When I try not to be who He made me to be & surround myself with stuff, I am not happy. I seem to just want more & more. Which is part of the reason I allowed food to be such a huge struggle in my life, for so long. I was created to love, just not to love things, but to love life. When I finally gave God this part of me, the struggle to fit in & have the same thing as everyone else, I found my sweet spot. The place where I have never failed to find God. Not in stuff, or places, or food...but in every breath I take...in the peace that only He can give. 

I have to stop seeking others & their opinions about my journey. I have to stop getting attached to things & places...even to people. In this season of trimming, He has walked so many right out of my life at the end of their season. I think that I have fought Him more over this...but in Psalms 32:8-9 God says...

The Lord says, “I will guide you along the best pathway for your life.
    I will advise you and watch over you.
 Do not be like a senseless horse or mule
    that needs a bit and bridle to keep it under control.”

As I read & search His word for His point is for these verses...for me...I realize He is basically saying to me, "Don't be stubborn, stick with ME...not people."  He reminds me that He, is ALL I need. He will ALWAYS give me what I need. People may come & go, but God...He is faithful. So in this season of growing this litter, I may be doing it without other people to share the joy with. 

The ruler of this world knows that God created us to crave connection, to struggle with chasing happiness. So he will send people into my life to distract me, to deter me from God's path, to drag up the desire to find the joy in things...instead of God. God can use though people to remind me that He's ALL I need. God will remind me, that though those people may not know it, He is using them to mold & shape me. I do know that with or without those people, God is creating & building a testimony...one He will be known. A testimony that will bring Him glory, show His power & also how much He loves me.

As I started to realize that the sweet sprouts were getting too big to share the tiny containers they were in, I knew it was time to give them more room to grow. I was going to put them into a single 32 gallon tub, but after getting prepared with soil & then carefully separating each plant, I realized that a single tub wouldn't be enough. So out came tub #2. Some of the plants were attached by the root, they couldn't be separated without killing one of them. 

The instructions on the package suggested that I "thin out the plants." I knew that I couldn't make that choice...so I decided to plant the ones that were attached in a single spot. I told my guys, "survival of the fittest I guess." When God thins my circle I know I stand around looking dumbfounded & wondering where people are going? But God sees the whole picture & I only see surface level. So I figured if God wanted to thin these flowers out, He would do it.

I did however talk to, sing to & care for ALL of them...they ALL survived. The grew taller & more leaves. They tried to outgrow their neighbors, they tried to steal their sunshine. It's funny so many times that's how the enemy distracts us. He tries to up his offer, he tries to use others against us to make us rise up in pride, or envy.

Soon the signs of the smiling faced beauties started to show up. The buds were quickly starting to top each of the stalks. Some had more than one bud. 

The anticipation of when I would finally see the beauty bloom was almost too much. I knew how much love I had put into bringing them above the soil, then to keep them living & growing. I was so excited. I know that in my life I have poured myself into so many relationships, only to have them fail. I wasn't ready for these to decide not to bloom. I really wanted to see the efforts I had made in the beautiful face of these flowers. 

I wouldn't have to wait long, the next morning the first one opened it's beautiful self up & I was NOT disappointed. He was beautiful, amazing. Then I noticed another ready & before the end of the day I had 2 beauties chasing the sun with their faces lifted high.

I have continued to watch each of these beautiful babies open up their faces to the amazing sun. I have fed them, trimmed them & kept them in spots with all the sunshine they wanted. They did not disappoint me. They brought me lots of joy. Not only because of their beauty, but because of the life.

Even Paul brought his joyful face to follow the sun...

I am new to this growing sunflowers role. The days got hotter here in the desert, so the morning I went out & my beautiful litter had fallen over...I started to cry. I truly cried sitting on the patio looking at my poor babies. I thought if I got them water they would be ok. So I watered them, but they wouldn't lift their faces that day, actually I had no idea they wouldn't lift their faces to the sun again.

I couldn't figure out what I had done? How did I kill them? I searched them on "the Google" & learned that after blooming they go into a "ripening" season. Their faces fall & they lose all their petals. Those smiling faces just disappear that fast. Kind of like some of the people God's taken from my life. One day they are there with me, professing a forever friendship & the next day they are gone. But thankfully I have God. He helps me realize the road He is walking me is narrow & others will fall away as my road narrows.
 In Matthew 7:13-14 Jesus says...

 “You can enter God’s Kingdom only through the narrow gate.The highway to hell is broad, and its gate is wide for the many who choose that way.But the gateway to life is very narrow and the road is difficult, and only a few ever find it."

I read on & learned they are ripening the seeds they are growing. So though the beauty they once had was bright & cheerful, their new beauty would come from deep down inside. They were almost disguised as "ugly" by this world's standards, during the time they are busy working hard on the inside. The deepest parts of themselves. Like when God is working on the deeper parts of me. This world may tell me that parts of me are "ugly" but God's doing a work in the deepest parts of me. This process isn't pretty, but it's necessary for God to grow this story of His.

One morning I was heading out the door to enjoy my usual routine & startled a sweet red headed bird that was standing on the back of Adam, bent over the side eating the seeds...a new joy raised up in my heart. I could barely contain my excitement as I headed over to talk to & water my beautiful litter. I whispered this is why I planted the seeds Lord!!! I wonder if that's how God feels each time we actually receive the wisdom He has for us & we do what He's created us too?

I know this, God has asked me to trust Him & His plan. This is a struggle for me sometimes. It used to be a lot more often, so He's changing something in me. I know that before today if I would've known that the beautiful time with this litter was so short, I may have just left the pack of seeds in my gardening tub. It helps me realize that just because it's not my perfect, that God's perfect will always be better. That though all the hard work & time I put into something may not create what I imagined, it will still serve it's purpose. That all the relationships that have come & gone, served their purpose for God.

 I pray that I can live in the purpose He created me for. I know that sometimes the beauty of growth comes during the "ugly" times. May I remember that even in my longest, hardest, deepest struggles, God is growing something beautiful...in me.

When does the bitter become sweet??

This mothers day is going to much more bitter than sweet for more than just myself & my little girl...my grandprincess's having to spend her first mothers day without most of the women who have been there with her & for her since she was born in 2011...she won't have her mama, I haven't seen her since Oct 2016 & her paternal grandmother died in January 2017...so she won't be hugging her this mothers day.

My heart is aching for my sweet grandprincess...but God sometimes reaches right into my thoughts & whispers #truth that stops me instantly in my tracks. You see He just helped me realize today, that this mothers day will be my grandprincess's daddy's & Aunties first mothers day without their mama...& her nanny's first without her daughter...

2 Corinthians 1:3-4

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.

Mothers day isn't always a day of celebration for everyone...this mothers day please share your hearts & love with everyone you meet...you may not understand what God is asking them to walk through.

To my grandprincess's daddy, Auntie & Nanny...along with ALL sweet D's family & friends...I'm so terribly sorry for your loss...may God Himself wrap each of y'all in His tender arms...to my grandprincess...God's moving these mountains & I know God's plans are to give us hope & a future...hang in with  me sweet one, God's got us!!! I love you & I miss you & God will bring you back again...I will prophesy like it is done.