"Out of Order"

Then he said, “I beg of you, my Lord Jesus, show me grace and take me with you into your everlasting kingdom!”

 Jesus responded, “I promise you—this very day you will enter paradise with me.”

Luke 23:42-43 TPT

Today my only biological sibling, my little sister, Sis', should've been 51...I was going to say, would've, but honestly today I feel like she should've been 51. Not that I don't trust God's plans, I just miss my sister...and though she took her life during the heat of a battle with this life, I know that God is sovereign over all things...and that night, that dark spring night back in 2002, she had no armor to put on...she had no weapons to fight with...she had no more strength to take on another day of war against herself. Many times I have thought to myself, "oh I wish I would've been there...I wish I would've known...I wish I would've stopped having expectations of her that she couldn't live up to... I wish I would've been a better big sister."

Instead of drowning in the cruel distractions of questions that can't and won't be answered until I join her in Heaven, God called this day my "Out of Order" day...His plans are only to give me hope and a future, so today He whispered, "hang an out of order sign on your bedroom door and take a walk down memory lane with Me." So, what does a "Daddy's girl" do when He asks her to spend the day with Him??? Right I argued with Him...you thought I was going to say, she listens to God and hangs the sign, didn't you? Well, no actually I started with every excuse that comes to a mom, Nona and wife. "Lord I can't do that my kitchen is a wreck," "I can't do that I need to go grocery shopping," or "I can't do that I need to work out." Finally, when all my arguments were met with Him reminding me "it's ok to take a rest day, trust me, all those things will still be there when tomorrow comes." Then He shared this sweet nugget with me from Mark 6:31b

So Jesus said to his disciples, “Come, let’s take a break and find a secluded place where you can rest a while.”

You guessed it, here I am...enjoying a "Sabbath" of sorts. While I was relaxing in His word this morning, during my morning gift of just lingering with Him and His promises, He took me to Job 11:13, "“If you would prepare your heart,

And stretch out your hands toward Him;" This is the NKJV...but as I was writing this He took me to the MSG translation of Job 11:13-20...

"Reach Out to God"

13-20 “Still, if you set your heart on God

    and reach out to him,

If you scrub your hands of sin

    and refuse to entertain evil in your home,

You’ll be able to face the world unashamed

    and keep a firm grip on life, guiltless and fearless.

You’ll forget your troubles;

    they’ll be like old, faded photographs.

Your world will be washed in sunshine,

    every shadow dispersed by dayspring.

Full of hope, you’ll relax, confident again;

    you’ll look around, sit back, and take it easy.

Expansive, without a care in the world,

    you’ll be hunted out by many for your blessing.

But the wicked will see none of this.

    They’re headed down a dead-end road

    with nothing to look forward to—nothing.”

I get now why God asks us to go deeper with Him...He isn't trying to drown us in rules, NO quite the contrary, He's giving us His grace, He is giving us direction that will bless us...and others. While my usual reaction to this date is one of sadness and should haves, could haves and would haves, He is asking me to "come away with Him..." To let Him make the plans and me just put one foot in front of the other. 

Today instead of drowning in a pool of tears, don't get me wrong I have cried several and I have sobbed into my Saviors arms, I am choosing to walk in His memories of 2 sisters He grew together. So here goes I am letting Him guide me with this new journey, without Him...well without Him I couldn't do this.

God reminded me this morning that He placed us side by side for a reason. I remember being by my Sissy's side for many of her huge moments. She was the exact opposite of me and for a good portion of our childhood that was very evident. We may have battled to the death of a couple of our stuffed animals, and I bribed her not to tell on me many times with things she didn't have that I did, like a radio, or tv or clothes...but let someone say a word against either of us, or one of us feel the crushing pain of being hurt and we forgot every thing we ever did to each other. My little sister was my battle comrade and I was hers. She was quiet and didn't speak up for herself, even when she had a right to...according to the worlds views. We weren't raised with the knowledge about God, we weren't raised in a family where we started our days in God's word, or even to say grace before each meal. Not that we were raised in satan's house, our parents just had not learned about how to live with and for God, so they didn't raise us with this important piece of wisdom. 

But all these years later, after God has gotten a hold of me and I realize that though she didn't know why, she had no desire to have a battle of words with others, instead she would walk away...silently. Though she had no idea she was living according to what Jesus said, she was. Though God has and is teaching me about how regrets can shape and corrupt my life, for most of my life I have lived in a state of regret mostly because of my inability to walk away silently. I am learning though, in fact it is actually becoming my reaction when someone hurts me, and I start to lash out in anger. I don't know if it's because my sister was the youngest, and she always had a big sister by her side growing up, but I do know that God created her to know how to respond. In fact my mom will tell you that I always had an answer for everything, she would say, "why can't you be like your sister, she knows when to be quiet and let it go?" When I was younger, and before I met Jesus, I would shout back at her...I would need the last word.

But these last few years, God is showing me the peace in just silently walking away, while I ask Him to shower them with blessings. In Proverbs 11:12, Mean-spirited slander is heartless;

    quiet discretion accompanies good sense...I am reminded that always having to have the last word, well that is only going to end up hurting someone and in the long run it ends up hurting me. Jesus used God's truth when He was tempted by satan in the desert, He didn't use hurtful, angry, or bitterness to try to battle the liar of this world. So the farther I get in my walk with Jesus, the more He is arming me for the attacks the enemy and his minions wage against me. I am learning that I don't have to have the last word to the person, but I can take my desire to have the last word to God and lift their name up with a genuine request that He bless them. 

My little sister lived this way for pretty much all of her life, she was a little more bold about speaking her mind as she got older, but it was really just her being honest. She grew to be very blunt, her filter was still there, but her big sister wasn't. I can think about the hours we would spend playing barbies, riding our bikes, or skating around and around our driveway...I also have a memory of trying to protect her from the darkness of a babysitter who would linger in the hallway, or offer to play hide n' seek with us...I was there the night she found the only man she ever loved in their marital bed with another woman and her child...I had to tear her off him as she ripped her fingernails off in his chest while he protected the other woman...I remember many nights of her protecting her big sister in bars as I drank myself into a crazy stupor and then danced on the edge of safety. She battled against the devil as I fought suicidal attacks and she refused to let me give into them, even slapping me across my face when I screamed one night in hers about letting me die!! I was at her weddings, both of them. I was at the birth of a child she placed for adoption and also her youngest child while she sucked on one toostie roll pop after another because she was craving a cigarette so bad. She was there during the birth of my daughter and also was the only one there when I carried and gave birth to the boy God asked me to be a birth mom to...in fact she's the only one, besides me, that met him and held him...she carried him to the nursery. 

God had us side by side for most of 34 years...and for the last 16 years and 5 months I have not had her by my side. The woman who would physically fight a man in my defense...she took a 10 mm handgun, loaded it with a hollowpoint bullet, grabbed her Bible and a pen...wrote, "please forgive me God, I can't take the pain anymore," sat down at her kitchen table and put the gun to her chin and pulled the trigger...with that single act I lost my built in best friend, confidant, protector, and more than that...my only sibling...my little sister. No one could've ever convinced me that my little sister would take her own life, she was not a suicidal person...she was way to tough for that. But the wars raged and she couldn't fight them alone anymore...she didn't really know God, only that He could save her...in Heaven.

For a long time after that I felt like I had to make excuses for her taking her life, I would say she shot herself, but I know she is in Heaven because...and at one of the retreats I went to with MYRRH Minstries a friend reminded me that my sister is free, I don't have to protect her anymore...that she didn't leave this world to get away from anyone but herself, her broken mind. 

I started this post out with Luke 23:42-43 in The Passion Translation...these Scriptures were the perfect reminder for this big sister on a day that I should be celebrating the birth of my little sister who took her life...regardless of how far we are away from God, it only takes one breath, one whisper of His Name, to bring Him back to us. 

Sis', 

I miss you, I am sorry you felt so alone... I will be by your side again, when God calls me home. Thank you Sis' for making your last breath, Jesus' Name...Happy Birthday to you, my Sissy.

Love,

your big sister 

Breathed...not spoken.

This weekend while I was enjoying worshiping and singing praise to my LORD, this picture flashed through my mind...

Instantly I was distracted from praising and worshiping by the same thought I had when I saw it for the first time..."I look terrible..." This thought took my focus for a moment...but God took this opportunity to remind me who I am. Not only did He remind me of my lineage, but He also whispered, "I see the real you...the princess I created." With this whisper He brought this picture to mind...when I first saw this one, I felt beautiful.

Then He said, "I see who you are, I see beauty when I look at you. I see your heart of love for me, the joy in your heart as you lift praise up and worship with singing and dancing. The enemy wants you to see yourself as ugly while you worship me. He knows you will become self conscience again and worry about how you look. When you look at yourself through his eyes you see what he wants you to see. Look through My eyes and see the beauty from ashes you are." I wish I could explain the freedom in this bit of truth. I smiled wide and sang louder and more joyful. I knew God had a great day of directions planned and He started with the first worship, to get me started with my heart in a position to hear just what He had to share. Not just hear it and forget it, but let Him really etch this truth in my heart. 

This weekend God shared a truth with me that I have never even thought about.  I have read these verses and heard these verses many times in the past...but never with the same meaning as God gave me this time. This time, He made transparent a much deeper truth through the amazing prophet, Pastor Tim Beal. God has spoken so boldly through this teacher, who's willingness to share God's message is so evident. Every time God has blessed me with wisdom through his teaching. So thank you Pastor for your heart to not see anyone left behind. 

Then God said, “Let the earth produce every sort of animal, each producing offspring of the same kind—livestock, small animals that scurry along the ground, and wild animals.” And that is what happened. 

Genesis 1:24 NLT

Then the Lord God formed the man from the dust of the ground. He breathed the breath of life into the man’s nostrils, and the man became a living person.

Genesis 2:7 NLT

When I first glance at these verses I see the beginning of life. That God created the living creatures and He created man. I have not really looked deeply into these. I just believe that God created it all, us all, and called it all good...This weekend Pastor Tim brought these to life and brought truth to how God loves us so much. He truly set us apart, right from the beginning. Now I hope I can share what I have learned with you and I pray God will speak through this shared wisdom.

In Genesis God outlines how He is the Creator of all things. He started in Genesis 1:1 with these words...In the beginning God created the Heavens and the earth. From there each day for 6 days God adds to His creation. Speaking everything living thing into existence...everything except people. Let that sink in. I am not saying that God didn't create us in those 6 days, I am saying that He didn't speak us into existence. For us God chose to get down into the dirt and shape us from the dirt...and He could have just said, "now breathe." That wasn't what He chose. Instead it says, "He breathed the breath of life into him..." This truth dug down into the deepest parts of me where it planted itself preparing to become a harvest not only for me...but whoever heard that message...whoever hears this message.

In my notes that morning I wrote, "God speaks and His voice transforms (creates) God speaks life into everything living creatures. But He breathed His OWN breath into us for life." From the beginning we are set apart from everything else He creates. He made us in His Own image and He gave us His breath. Wow for me this was a great eye opener. I don't know if I ever really thought about just how much love and detail God put into creating me...He looks at me like I look at my kids...proud. He doesn't see the 50+ year old double, hanging chin, no He looks at me singing and dancing and handing my heart to Him and He smiles and looks around to those who surround Him and He points at me and says, "oh the joy in my beautiful princess!! I love her!!!" He beams like I do with my kids. 

He doesn't look at the outside, no He looks deep into me and knows who I really am. He sees the surrender in my heart and the excitement in my actions. Because I choose His Son, and to believe in Him without seeing Him, I am covered by the blood of Jesus. He sees me through Jesus. In Jesus, I am completely covered by God's grace. He has forgotten all my sins, period. Grace erases sin, and receiving grace is easy. However, walking in it takes some learning. We get so used to worrying about what others think, we forget that none of that matters. We forget that in this broken world we are all searching for the same things, happiness, love and purpose. I think it can be easy to get so lost in the chaos in our own little bubbles, that we forget that others are going through stuff too. That's just what the enemy wants. He knows that if he keeps us distracted in our stuff, we will be too busy to help others and extend the grace they need. He knows if we get the chance to extend God's grace to someone, an "invisible" God will suddenly become "visible" to them in their stuff and that will disrupt his entire schemes.

Today, let's disrupt satan's schemes. Let's stop looking around and look up. Let's praise with everything we are, and bring joy to our LORD. So, if you're busy looking around during worship, maybe you should be looking up, letting go and lifting praise to God. After all, He chose to breathe His very own breath into us, when He could've just spoken us into existence.

Jesus here we come...

Today my sweet sister sent me a link to a great sermon from Elevation Church, Pastor Steven Furtick, called "Dysfunctional Comfort." I love the relationship that is already like a life long sisterhood, after about 18 months. God gently set this beautiful, smart, and bold sister down in my life at the last MYRRH Ministries retreat, "The Joy comes in the Mourning." That was my 4th retreat and her first. Since then we have talked so many times, we've cried together, shared laughs and also done some hard conversations. This will be our first time being back in the same place though, and can I just share how excited I am. In about 24 hours I get to see my sister and hug her. This last 18 months has not always been easy. We have both had joyous occasions and also heart break, but one thing we both knew we had was each other.

She is definitely a gift from God. At a time when many other people, including family, have run away from me and my struggle with change and control, she stands next to me. She isn't just a "trophy" friend who is just for the good times. She's not afraid to be next to me during the darkest hours of either of our lives. She has boldly spoken God's message to me, even knowing that I may react in anger and possibly lash out at her. She doesn't shy away from the truth God's giving her to share, she isn't distracted by my outbursts. She loves me enough to speak the hard truth and then give me a moment to accept it. She's not blinded by my defensive reactions, she knows my desire is to live for God, all the time. She also isn't afraid to let me share a word with her. Even with the hard stuff, she seeks God's message and trusts my heart is to love her, not hurt her. She's knows how much I love God and she knows how much I love her. 

I can't begin to share just how many amazing sisters God has blessed me with at my retreats. These sisters come from so many different states across the US. The one thing I see that is common, our love for God and to live for Him boldly. Every single year I explain to people that I get to go be myself, live my faith out loud without fear of offending someone. Not that I don't live my faith out always, but they don't look at me crazy and most know me and love me anyway. Many have shared words with me, words that I have never spoken or thought over myself. They see someone I don't see most of the time, or through those who live close to me. They also accept who they see, they love me regardless of me. 

I don't know if I can explain the depth of the love I have for women I see once a year, or sometimes only ever see again on Facebook. I can't explain why I am so comfortable with these women, I can only share that my heart is to live boldly for God, all the time. They have been a huge part of my walk of transformation. This year I am hoping to meet the sweet young woman who hosted the "Biggest Loser" challenge that God used to get me on His path of transformation. I have yet to meet her, her mama is one who has walked me right into the presence of Jesus on many occasions, and both her mama and daddy prayed with me and shared a truth from God with me at the last retreat. I know that this family is a wonderful gift from God. 

So I just want to say, Texas here I come, ready for all God will speak, pour out and usher in at the "Propelling Prayers" retreat. I am coming filled with the excited anticipation of the mountains God will move this year...and all the hugs and love that these sweet sisters bring and share...every year. If you are searching for an annual retreat filled with the presence of God, check out this amazing ministry, 

http://myrrhministries.com/index.html

They are amazing, they love Jesus and they live Jesus.

Who are your warriors?

Can two people walk together

    without agreeing on the direction?

Amos 3:3 NLT

This weekend Pastor Bill brought this little goody out. It's not one that I remember reading, but it's etched deeply into my heart now. It seems pretty simple and straight forward, on the surface. When God brings it to life through the heart of a mighty messenger, one who boldly shares Truth without fear and isn't afraid to throw a throat punch or 2, it takes on a much deeper meaning as the truth comes out. 

The truth is that we can't be going in more than one direction in our lives. We can't walk in faith and the world. We can't walk hand in hand with those who shun God and walk hand in hand with God. Don't take what I'm saying wrong, let me state clearly up front that I am not saying stay away from those who don't know God, or even those who hate God. Jesus said in

Mark 2:17

When Jesus heard this, he told them, "Healthy people don't need a doctor--sick people do. I have come to call not those who think they are righteous, but those who know they are sinners."

God wants us to love, unconditionally, but He doesn't want us to live the same as those who don't know Him. They will never know Him if we seek to please them and walk the same lost path. What I am saying is that when I try to live just like the world, I can't live to please God. That's clear in

Galatians 1:10

 Obviously, I’m not trying to win the approval of people, but of God. If pleasing people were my goal, I would not be Christ’s servant.

Sometimes it's hard to distinguish between those who God places around us as warriors. For me His warriors are people who will speak God's truth in my life without fear. Letting anyone who calls themselves my friend speak into my life, has been a pitfall of mine. I tend to go all in when it comes to friendship. I have never been able to keep up a fake mask up for long. So a lot of them haven't lasted. That's been something I have been really giving to God and He's gotten me to the point of not even putting on the mask. It saves me a lot of heartache as I realized that if I am just who God created me to be, always, my tribe finds me. I don't have to go out to seek them, I don't have to pretend to be someone I'm not. I can accept who I am created to be and embrace me. God gives me everyone He knows I need, just when I need them. Like Pastor Daniel says, "my tribe has my vibe."

 There aren't many warriors in my life, but the ones He sent are true warriors. They love me. They aren't put off when they have to share a hard word and they know I have a tough time hearing the hard stuff. They stand firm in the truth and love me in spite of me. I see God moving mightily not only in their words, but I see Him living and breathing in their lives. This is important for me as I am seeking hard after God. If I don't see God in their lives how can I expect them to speak Him into mine? Not that God can't speak through anyone and anything He can. I take the word to God's Word to see if it line's up. That's how I know if it's from God.

I know that the warriors God is surrounding me with all have the same desire for me as I do. They love God and they want to see me living in His peace and chasing His plan. They don't bring the hard truth with excitement they bring it with faith. I believe they feel blessed God asks them to share His truth with me. They don't want to see me stumbling around in the darkness, they want to turn on the Light to help me. As I have started to really take that in and realize that they are the safety God is surrounding me with. 

In Proverbs 27:17 it says,

As iron sharpens iron,

    so a friend sharpens a friend.

I'd say it's pretty clear about what a real friendship is. It's not always giggles and fun. We have to be willing to both hear the truth and also speak it in love. God is not saying for us to seek out the things that irritate us, or we think are wrong and go give our friends an earful. No, not at all. He does ask us to first pray to Him about the stuff He shows us. I have to make sure I am not comparing their stuff to mine. That I am not holding myself up as the guideline of what they should or should not do. Only God knows the plans He has for each of us. Once God gives me the words and my heart is in the right place, then I take His message to them. It's all about where my heart is, if it's buried in God and not out of selfish control, He will shine through. 

Some of the people we call friends will not being going where God is taking us and that's ok. All God asks us to do is keep moving with Him, He will change the scenery, He will change the seasons and He will change those people He surrounds us with. But our core group of friends should be speaking boldly His truth into us. They shouldn't be part of our core if they aren't lifting our names in prayer. 

My prayer is that we all pick up our cross everyday and walk with others who are lifting up their crosses everyday. And on the days that our cross or theirs is too heavy to carry alone that we will carry ours on one shoulder and theirs on the other. Lord let me never try to dull Your light and may I always walk brightly for You.

How much do you really want it???

"Christianity, if false, is of no importance, and if true, of infinite importance. The only thing it cannot be is moderately important."

C.S. Lewis

Lately, God has been really surrounding me with some amazing women. Some here near me, some in other places...a very special one I've become very close with lately as God has placed her & her beautiful journey at just the perfect time...for both of us. Though we've known each other for about 7 years, give or take, we've attempted several times to get to know each other. She's about 15 years younger than me in this world's years...but in wisdom, she's ages wiser than I am.

Honestly, with the age gap comes differing interests in lots of areas & many times in the beginning when I first met her, I would let that keep me from letting myself get to really know this amazing person. But in the last several years it's been very different. Our differences are intriguing to me & I think her as well. Not only that but when we started having real conversations I instantly felt connected to her.

I am not an easy person to get to know. I am very friendly to everyone I meet, if I get half a chance. But I struggle sometimes with pride. So when I get excited about something I just find totally wonderful, or I believe I hear God is telling me something for someone else, I am kinda like that old game where the card holding machine would randomly just pop up & throw the cards in the air everywhere...I just pop off with what I heard. Some times it's not in a very gentle way at all...some times if I am being completely transparent...I would have to say it might even have a bite to it. Those times have injured hearts. They have done the exact opposite of God's plan...they have pushed people away from me & I would guess maybe even away from God.

So, this young woman I will call her my artist friend...so I will call her artsy. Artsy is gifted at so many things. She's just naturally talented at really interesting arts & crafts. She's taught me a little bit about my sewing machine, which I actually enjoyed, talent however was a whole other subject. She however has made several baby quilts & lots of other things, including a beautiful bag for me. Her heart is to teach others to enjoy creating. I believe this is her calling...not really to adults, but mostly to children...preschool & up. 

For me though it's really more than just learning arts & crafts or sewing from her. God placed her in my life to be His coarse sandpaper for me. He has used her several times to get my attention back...He's taught me through her that "it's not about me." She's a tiny little wisp, but she's a mighty soldier for God. I don't even know if she knows how mighty she is? But God does.

On several occasions in the last 7+ years when I have struggled with a test, or trial & gotten frustrated & been ready to give up hope...God used her to tell me to "stop letting it get to me. It is what it is...God doesnt tell us it'll be easy, He only says it will be worth it." When I have struggled with my children, husband or family she's reminded me that I can't control them...only how I react to them. 

I can honestly say this...if God has been telling me something nicely for too long...He will bring Artsy in & she has no fear...no fear of being honest, no fear of upsetting me, no fear of how I may react...she only has love for me...& in that love, she shows me she trusts me by being the friend God is asking her to be...a real friend, a biblical friend. 

We have also been able to share our hearts about struggles we have. We both feel things very deeply...in the past I have been one that reacts quickly & at times have regretted the quick reactions...just as quickly. But Artsy, she processes things. She is not "teaching" me by telling me how to process things...she actually is a wonderful example of this. She will stop, breath, process then either ask more questions...or share her heart with me. She doesnt have expectations that far exceed her willingness to be a part of...she makes the time to listen & sometimes just sit quietly with me, or me with her.

She told me from the beginning that she "likes a friend who answers the phone, or texts. Who follows through with plans they make & who isn't a part time friend." That was several years ago & I have to tell you that she does exactly that. She picks up the phone if she possibly can, she works during the day & it's difficult. But she will answer texts & call as soon as she's off. So her expectations come from the kind of amazing friend she is...that is what she wants.

Recently, Artsy shared with me that they are moving back to their home state. Probably the beginning of June-ish. I honestly thought I was gonna have a panic attack...but God. God reminded me that our friendship can withstand being mostly phone calls...He also reminded me that her home state, it's the home state to so MANY beautiful woman He has placed in my life...so He's just taking one more there. So I have honestly just had total peace about it. I think she does too. 

Today we spent the entire afternoon/early evening together. She picked me up & we went to a couple of stores. Then had lunch. Then she took me to take a very important step in this battle I am in. We picked up her wonderful man child & young woman child took them home & headed back out together. We ended up having to wait quite awhile at one place with lots of other people...most of the time people that are with me when I am around lots of people, get a little upset or maybe embarrassed of me because I love when God gives me the chance to talk to people...to smile & make conversation...but Artsy, she's a little shy, but in the right environment, she's more like a bright shining light!!! 

We headed back to the house so I could try to make it home before sweet hubby hit the sack at 7. I drove home thanking God for this dear sister...I see what a gift she really is...when I have felt sadness & said to God, "I waited so late." He reminds me that she's His princess & we have eternity.

So thank you Artsy, thank you for loving me enough to share truth even in times when you knew I would probably be in denial...but you trusted God enough to know that if you said what needed to be said...God could work through that. That my sister is REAL love...that's a REAL friend...you will ALWAYS be my sister, 

you will ALWAYS be my friend. Of course I will come see you...& phones are a gift from God.

A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity.

Proverbs 17:17

Unpacking gifts...

As they were gathering[f] in Galilee, Jesus said to them, “The Son of Man is about to be delivered into the hands of men,  and they will kill him, and he will be raised on the third day.” And they were greatly distressed.

Matthew 17:22-23

I woke up this Easter morning grumbling "it's only 3:30 & I was so comfortable in my bed next to my hubby..." to not only myself, but my Poppa God. See being over the half a century mark, I wake up at least a couple times a night because suddenly I have the bladder the size of a peanut apparently. So most nights I just lay back down, unless it's when my sweet hubby is up getting ready to leave for work & I am blessed enough to share a few quiet moments while he gets his thermos filled & lunchbox ready...those moments I treasure. But this morning I knew that I wasn't going back to sleep as I headed down the stairs I was complaining about this...as usual. 

Yesterday I was blessed to go to a baby shower of my sister's daughter. I say sister because we have known each other since we were 15 years old & the first time we met at a video arcade in a tiny town in Arizona...that night we both looked each other up & down with the judgement of a teenage girl wondering what this girl is doing here...funny I thought she didn't like me that night...now over 36 years later we have loved each other as sisters & watched each other walk tough roads, bad choices & celebrated some wonderful blessings. Though sometimes due to circumstances we may go months, or even at times we have gone several years without even talking to each other, but when we do it's like we never missed a moment. She is my sister, truly God created her so perfectly. 

I hadn't seen her mom for a long, long time. I am thinking about 8 years or so. Her mom is an amazing woman. She's now 85 years old & she lives in her own personal place...mostly her memories of growing up & how wonderful her mama, papa & big brothers & sister are...she is suffering from dementia. This beautiful soul goes back & forth between remembering how amazing this world used to be & how horrible it can be. She shared with me yesterday, many times, how Hitler was a reality of her childhood...not from America far away from the reality of true FEAR, but from Austria where EVERY age understood the true meaning of FEAR. She shared that when she was growing up she was warned constantly "be careful who you talk to, there are very bad people out there." Her beautiful blue eyes teared up a bit each time she talked about how Hitler came & her mama was killed when she was only a girl of 13. She was the baby of 2 boys & 2 girls & she was very close with her mama...she explained that life was very hard after her mama died. Her mama always taught her that "it is good to show others you love them. We all need each other. So if you have something & someone else has a need you help them you don't keep it for yourself. If you see someone you know you hug them & it's ok to kiss you kids & let them know that they are loved & important" ...those same beautiful blue eyes. Those blue eyes that I remember always smiling & always having time to be there to take in all the struggles of a teenager, then a 20 & 30 something...all the way to 51. Many times I would run to her house to cry over my own struggles with my mom...from the teens to the 40's she would say "I can tell you she loves you or she would not be making you so good."  She would explain from the eyes of someone who knew how to be completely honest with out any kind of worry of offending. She only knows how to say it like it is, she wasn't raised with "little white lies" being ok...only total honesty. She would always finish with "I think she's trying to help you. She loves you." I always felt better after sitting at her kitchen table as she made "oxtail soup" & chamomile tea with honey for me & my sweet sister...as she listened to my complaints & then set a bowl & cup in front of me, my sister & she would sit down with hers for a moment & tell me what she thought. But a moment later she would be up running to the sink, grabbing the dishes & washing, drying & putting them away. 

Her blue eyes are now wrapped with creases & confusion, but they are just a clear & beautiful as they ever were. I am so grateful to have gotten to spend time listening & loving on this beautiful "mom" to so many, including me...I have always loved her & I will always love her. 

My own beautiful mom is about 15 years younger than sweet mama & though she has lapses in memory & may repeat herself, she doesn't have dementia so I had no understanding of the struggle the entire family walks...until yesterday. 

I have talked to my sweet sister about this many times on the phone over the last many years as her sweet mama has drifted farther into her own place. I know she loves her sweet mama dearly & I know that each day is exhausting for her. But seeing her with her sweet mama as she helps her get around, reminds her of important things, making sure she has what she needs & loving her...I see the gift God has given her. See I know that at times this might not seem like a gift to many people. 

I have watched her sweet mama love & care for so many people in her life...especially her girl, my sweet sister. She never had to go with out anything...including knowing she was loved. Her sweet mama has told me since the first time I met her over 36 years ago  "I just put her on my back & went to clean, cook & do wash for people." She didn't have anyone else to help her. She came to America from Austria without anything, or anyone. For as long as I can remember she was in housekeeping at the tiny towns hospital. She used to tell me how much it meant to her to "bless others with a nice clean space"...that sentence is the definition of who sweet mama has always been & though she gets lost in her own place today & she lives with her memories running over & over...it still defines her. The way she blesses may have changed a bit...but she still blesses. 

I believe that's where my sweet sister learned to be the amazing woman she is. I think I should call her Wonder Woman with all the titles I would have to put in front of woman. I am not saying that this is not hard for her. She has her moments of hiding in the quiet to cry, pray & breathe...I'm sure. But trust me when I say they are few & far between. 

Her sweet mama lives with her & her hubby, so she lives this every day. She works so God sent angel to sit with her sweet mama for 8 hours 5 days a week. I know God sent her because she is just what sweet mama needs, she speaks her native language & enjoys spending time with her. But pretty much every other minute, she is with her sweet mama. I love my mom, but I am not sure that would work for me.

She also has 5 girls & 4 grandkids, with another on the way. Only 3 of the girls were there yesterday for the baby shower. But as I watched each of them running around to help get stuff set up, I saw my sweet sister in each of them in a different way...one thing I saw in EVERY one of the girls was their mama's heart...sweet mama's heart passed onto another generation. 

Each one of them took sweet mama outside to enjoy the day & hang out with everyone. They each got her a plate & helped her with anything she needed. They sat & talked with her & smiled at her & showed her they loved her. They took pictures with her & told her how beautiful she looked...the entire time she just glowed, her blue eyes twinkled as she repeated over & over about making sure to "show everyone you love that you love them" & how "she is so blessed to have so many beautiful new clothes for the baby we had only a few things & kept them very clean, took care of them like they were new always." 

They know the struggle of seeing someone stuck in history...someone they love dearly. They also know the meaning of "Ohana...Family" in a very deep meaning of the word. No one left behind. They get stressed yet they take a breather while another one steps up to make sure no one is left behind.

When we got back to her house after the shower, she said dont leave yet I have your bag of gifts...we do that, get stuff for holidays, birthdays, etc. for when we see each other...It was so full it was ripping on the side, she said sorry but "I shoved one more thing in and it ripped", knowing I didn't mind at all. "Open it when you get home"...then she walked me out to my car. I looked at my sweet sister & thanked her for everything & assured her I would be praying for her. Then I looked into her blue eyes & realized they were the same sweet twinkling blue eyes as her sweet mama..."I'm so sorry my friend...you are amazing!!!" 

When I got home I unpacked the gifts she had filled the gift bag with, one at a time...each one made me realize just how wonderful she really is...how in the midst of everything she has been walking through, she still cared enough about me & knows me well enough that she can hand pick perfect gifts...gifts that take more than a quick run to the store...gifts that take a knowing & caring eye to spot & pick up because it looks like something I would like. Gifts like pictures in the beautiful frames...pictures of those I love most in each one...not just the frames. That's when you know someone really cares about you...they love you.

And the gift she's getting & will one day understand is just that...learning to live the definition of "ohana"...her sweet mama has made sure of that before she made her way to her own little place...the place she sees the twinkle in her own mama's eyes still & remembers how to love others the way she learned from her papa & family...by doing, not saying... 

I love you sweet mama & thank you for everything...I pray that I may bless you as you have blessed me for all these years...even if it's just listening & holding your hand...

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