Jesus here we come...

Today my sweet sister sent me a link to a great sermon from Elevation Church, Pastor Steven Furtick, called "Dysfunctional Comfort." I love the relationship that is already like a life long sisterhood, after about 18 months. God gently set this beautiful, smart, and bold sister down in my life at the last MYRRH Ministries retreat, "The Joy comes in the Mourning." That was my 4th retreat and her first. Since then we have talked so many times, we've cried together, shared laughs and also done some hard conversations. This will be our first time being back in the same place though, and can I just share how excited I am. In about 24 hours I get to see my sister and hug her. This last 18 months has not always been easy. We have both had joyous occasions and also heart break, but one thing we both knew we had was each other.

She is definitely a gift from God. At a time when many other people, including family, have run away from me and my struggle with change and control, she stands next to me. She isn't just a "trophy" friend who is just for the good times. She's not afraid to be next to me during the darkest hours of either of our lives. She has boldly spoken God's message to me, even knowing that I may react in anger and possibly lash out at her. She doesn't shy away from the truth God's giving her to share, she isn't distracted by my outbursts. She loves me enough to speak the hard truth and then give me a moment to accept it. She's not blinded by my defensive reactions, she knows my desire is to live for God, all the time. She also isn't afraid to let me share a word with her. Even with the hard stuff, she seeks God's message and trusts my heart is to love her, not hurt her. She's knows how much I love God and she knows how much I love her. 

I can't begin to share just how many amazing sisters God has blessed me with at my retreats. These sisters come from so many different states across the US. The one thing I see that is common, our love for God and to live for Him boldly. Every single year I explain to people that I get to go be myself, live my faith out loud without fear of offending someone. Not that I don't live my faith out always, but they don't look at me crazy and most know me and love me anyway. Many have shared words with me, words that I have never spoken or thought over myself. They see someone I don't see most of the time, or through those who live close to me. They also accept who they see, they love me regardless of me. 

I don't know if I can explain the depth of the love I have for women I see once a year, or sometimes only ever see again on Facebook. I can't explain why I am so comfortable with these women, I can only share that my heart is to live boldly for God, all the time. They have been a huge part of my walk of transformation. This year I am hoping to meet the sweet young woman who hosted the "Biggest Loser" challenge that God used to get me on His path of transformation. I have yet to meet her, her mama is one who has walked me right into the presence of Jesus on many occasions, and both her mama and daddy prayed with me and shared a truth from God with me at the last retreat. I know that this family is a wonderful gift from God. 

So I just want to say, Texas here I come, ready for all God will speak, pour out and usher in at the "Propelling Prayers" retreat. I am coming filled with the excited anticipation of the mountains God will move this year...and all the hugs and love that these sweet sisters bring and share...every year. If you are searching for an annual retreat filled with the presence of God, check out this amazing ministry, 

http://myrrhministries.com/index.html

They are amazing, they love Jesus and they live Jesus.

God gave me you...

These were his instructions to them: “The harvest is great, but the workers are few. So pray to the Lord who is in charge of the harvest; ask him to send more workers into his fields.  Now go, and remember that I am sending you out as lambs among wolves.

Luke 10:2-3 NLT

Today as I was searching for the perfect verses for this message, Luke 10:2 came up. I opened up chapter 10 to read above and below it. My first response was confusion...I read it again and this time I listened to the Spirit. I love that God will generously give of truth to me, without hesitation. These are Jesus' instructions to the disciples He sent out. There is a lot of great instruction in this chapter. I could go on and on, I was just confused at first what this had to do with the message title He gave me. Then I understood, Holy Spirit has a way of bringing God's understanding my way, when I stop and listen.

Whether the "workers" are sent from God, or satan, they are there for a reason. The only reason God allows them into my story is so He can use them to teach me. They will serve His purpose, with or without them knowing that. They don't have to understand, or even know God for Him to work His purpose through them. The one message I don't want to miss in these words Jesus, Himself, spoke to His disciples and those who stopped to listen, is that "the harvest is great, but the workers are few." this powerful truth is followed up by the perfect instruction, "So pray to the Lord who is in charge of the harvest; ask Him to send more workers into His fields." This just hit me out of nowhere...ask for more workers??? 

When I think of workers from God I think of those people who just shine Jesus...He is definitely the Lord of their lives, no doubt. Reading this with His Spirit...well it brought fresh understanding for me. These verses may mean something completely different to me later, or may mean something completely different to you. For me today, this message is about loving and appreciating ALL the "workers" God uses in my life to mold me and transform me. The ones I love and the ones I "try" to love. For God there is NO difference between them. This is what He's teaching me. So when Jesus gives the instructions to pray to God and ask for more "workers," He's not saying to only ask for the easy people. He's saying ask for ALL people. In fact, several verses down in Luke 10:25-29, it says...

One day an expert in religious law stood up to test Jesus by asking him this question: “Teacher, what should I do to inherit eternal life?” Jesus replied, “What does the law of Moses say? How do you read it?” The man answered, “‘You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your strength, and all your mind.’ And, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ “Right!” Jesus told him. “Do this and you will live!” The man wanted to justify his actions, so he asked Jesus, “And who is my neighbor?”

Jesus doesn't say, Love the nice people who believe the way you do, and don't push your buttons. When the religious expert answered His question, Jesus told him, "Right!" Jesus told him he was right, he gave the right answer...and yet the first thing the man did was try to "define" who he was to love.

 I see me in this question so many times. There are so many of those God calls my "neighbors" that I would be so much happier without ever having cross my path. I know that if I was honest I would have to admit that there are some that have taught me so much about the sins I still harbor in the deepest parts of my heart. They have unknowingly held a mirror up to me in some of my darkest moments...not that they just mirrored my sins, God showed me where I was hiding the same sins. Where I was holding onto pieces of who I was before I found Him. Those moments are painful, they are brutally honest and they are some of the most teachable moments for God. 

A couple years ago I found this sign in the clearance aisle of Hobby Lobby...

For all this time I have looked at this sign to remind me that God gave him to me. I have only recently started to understand a deeper meaning. God doesn't just give me my family and friends...He gives me everyone who will bring His word to life in my story. Even those the enemy tries to use to distract me, will only be a distraction if I choose to only see the distraction. If I dig deeper and search for the teaching God has instead, I will find what God has for me. This is how God grows me up and matures my faith. God can also use my teaching moments to grow someone else's faith, to teach them. If I am humble enough to be transparent about my sin.

This new meaning has opened up many areas of me that I am realizing are still broken and lost. I have shared that I am pretty much constantly in prayer for God to place a guard at my lips and to be my self control. These 2 important parts of me are many times the ones I tend to hold onto, with a very tight grip. I struggle with being right. Many times I know what I am talking about, and in my prideful heart, I will make sure everyone else knows I was right too. In my desire to let them know that I am right, I never fail to tell them they were wrong. With the sweetest voice and the purest intentions...why are you laughing? Ok ok, I will be honest. I am definitely not the gentle type. I know my dad used to say "you're like a bull in a china closet." For years I have listened to answer, to be right. It's less about offending them and more about being right. So I am not "loving" them like Christ, it's more like teaching them...with an electric cattle prod. I don't know about you, but I learn less from the prod and much more from the love that Christ gives abundantly through those living for Him. 

Since I have found Jesus and I made the decision to follow Him, I have to make the choice to continuously surrender my heart and life to Him. When I truly surrender old, broken pieces of who I was, He doesn't throw those pieces away. No Jesus does not waste. He will pick them up and clean them up. He will teach me through the whole process. He can teach others through my learning too. What once was lost will again be found, only this time the power that the brokenness had over me and my life, well it will be replaced with God's wisdom and love. My willingness to share those hard lessons will ignite a gentle humbleness for me. A humility that will be less about talking and more about living. I will be able to let go of my need to be right and focus instead on living out God's greatest commands...like 

Some of the most painful lessons I have learned have been at the cost of relationships. I have cried over and chased after these people, I have even taken it upon myself to drag them back into my life. That never works for long. If it's me dragging them back or them dragging me back, it won't take long for the same divider to come back up. Some people I am not prepared to share a hard truth with and some people can't share a hard truth with me. That's ok. Those are the moments God is teaching me that I still have a ways to go. It's the times I rush ahead and try to teach His lesson for Him that I tend to struggle with the most. It's also in those times I am grateful for just how patient and merciful God is to me. Instead of giving up and turning away, He is faithful to stay and keep teaching me. 

When I go off on my own strength and share what I believe His message is with someone, more often than not they only hear condemnation and judgement from me. Then defense is my instant go to and I jump right in full force and try to push my understanding off on them. Almost always without any consideration of the consequences. If it's my understanding and not what God means they won't hear Him, just my demanding, judging words. The consequence this usually gets is they never hear the message God had for them. There have been times I am sure that have actually chased people away not only from me, but also from God. 

But God is faithful and forgiving. He will not give up on me. He is teaching me just how important words are. They have the power to give life, or death. In Matthew 12:36-37 it says this about the words that leave my mouth...

I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak, 37 for by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned.”

My words will leave a legacy. They will leave behind the love of Jesus, or the selfishness and hurt of a broken person. Words can be weapons of destruction, or life giving seeds. As I grow deeper into my relationship with God and I surrender the most painful and broken parts of who I was, I understand that He is not surprised by my desire to save others from the same pain. This truth brings with it an understanding for me...while the enemy comes to try to convince me that I'm less like Jesus than the world, God reminds me that I am His work in progress. He shows me that with each difficult lesson I learn from, the more transformation He makes in me. I know I still have a long way to go, but the more I dig into His teachings, the closer I get to my Poppa God. My prayer becomes, 

"Lord place a guard at my lips and keep showing me the way to self control. May I bless people and not curse them with my words. May they hear Your message in love, so they find You. Thank You Poppa for every person you give me."

Who are your warriors?

Can two people walk together

    without agreeing on the direction?

Amos 3:3 NLT

This weekend Pastor Bill brought this little goody out. It's not one that I remember reading, but it's etched deeply into my heart now. It seems pretty simple and straight forward, on the surface. When God brings it to life through the heart of a mighty messenger, one who boldly shares Truth without fear and isn't afraid to throw a throat punch or 2, it takes on a much deeper meaning as the truth comes out. 

The truth is that we can't be going in more than one direction in our lives. We can't walk in faith and the world. We can't walk hand in hand with those who shun God and walk hand in hand with God. Don't take what I'm saying wrong, let me state clearly up front that I am not saying stay away from those who don't know God, or even those who hate God. Jesus said in

Mark 2:17

When Jesus heard this, he told them, "Healthy people don't need a doctor--sick people do. I have come to call not those who think they are righteous, but those who know they are sinners."

God wants us to love, unconditionally, but He doesn't want us to live the same as those who don't know Him. They will never know Him if we seek to please them and walk the same lost path. What I am saying is that when I try to live just like the world, I can't live to please God. That's clear in

Galatians 1:10

 Obviously, I’m not trying to win the approval of people, but of God. If pleasing people were my goal, I would not be Christ’s servant.

Sometimes it's hard to distinguish between those who God places around us as warriors. For me His warriors are people who will speak God's truth in my life without fear. Letting anyone who calls themselves my friend speak into my life, has been a pitfall of mine. I tend to go all in when it comes to friendship. I have never been able to keep up a fake mask up for long. So a lot of them haven't lasted. That's been something I have been really giving to God and He's gotten me to the point of not even putting on the mask. It saves me a lot of heartache as I realized that if I am just who God created me to be, always, my tribe finds me. I don't have to go out to seek them, I don't have to pretend to be someone I'm not. I can accept who I am created to be and embrace me. God gives me everyone He knows I need, just when I need them. Like Pastor Daniel says, "my tribe has my vibe."

 There aren't many warriors in my life, but the ones He sent are true warriors. They love me. They aren't put off when they have to share a hard word and they know I have a tough time hearing the hard stuff. They stand firm in the truth and love me in spite of me. I see God moving mightily not only in their words, but I see Him living and breathing in their lives. This is important for me as I am seeking hard after God. If I don't see God in their lives how can I expect them to speak Him into mine? Not that God can't speak through anyone and anything He can. I take the word to God's Word to see if it line's up. That's how I know if it's from God.

I know that the warriors God is surrounding me with all have the same desire for me as I do. They love God and they want to see me living in His peace and chasing His plan. They don't bring the hard truth with excitement they bring it with faith. I believe they feel blessed God asks them to share His truth with me. They don't want to see me stumbling around in the darkness, they want to turn on the Light to help me. As I have started to really take that in and realize that they are the safety God is surrounding me with. 

In Proverbs 27:17 it says,

As iron sharpens iron,

    so a friend sharpens a friend.

I'd say it's pretty clear about what a real friendship is. It's not always giggles and fun. We have to be willing to both hear the truth and also speak it in love. God is not saying for us to seek out the things that irritate us, or we think are wrong and go give our friends an earful. No, not at all. He does ask us to first pray to Him about the stuff He shows us. I have to make sure I am not comparing their stuff to mine. That I am not holding myself up as the guideline of what they should or should not do. Only God knows the plans He has for each of us. Once God gives me the words and my heart is in the right place, then I take His message to them. It's all about where my heart is, if it's buried in God and not out of selfish control, He will shine through. 

Some of the people we call friends will not being going where God is taking us and that's ok. All God asks us to do is keep moving with Him, He will change the scenery, He will change the seasons and He will change those people He surrounds us with. But our core group of friends should be speaking boldly His truth into us. They shouldn't be part of our core if they aren't lifting our names in prayer. 

My prayer is that we all pick up our cross everyday and walk with others who are lifting up their crosses everyday. And on the days that our cross or theirs is too heavy to carry alone that we will carry ours on one shoulder and theirs on the other. Lord let me never try to dull Your light and may I always walk brightly for You.

You are destroying her, purposely...why? Parental ALIENATION is child abuse

She's going to hear, see, find the truth...I've saved it ALL. Please realize that contact denial for the last 355 days is CHILD ABUSE. When she asks you if you knew about her baby sister, I pray you're honest...because I will be. She will know for a FACT that we both text you to let you know & you received the messages we have the "message read" receipts. So if you try to do to her as you & your "attorney" have done to her since the sad, sickening lies you filed in 1/2015, I will NOT be quiet...she deserves to know that you & your girlfriend have systematically denied her mother & mothers entire family, visits with her. Videos & texts & proof of calls sent to voicemail then unanswered messages...prepare because she has a Mighty Powerful God...

When does the bitter become sweet??

This mothers day is going to much more bitter than sweet for more than just myself & my little girl...my grandprincess's having to spend her first mothers day without most of the women who have been there with her & for her since she was born in 2011...she won't have her mama, I haven't seen her since Oct 2016 & her paternal grandmother died in January 2017...so she won't be hugging her this mothers day.

My heart is aching for my sweet grandprincess...but God sometimes reaches right into my thoughts & whispers #truth that stops me instantly in my tracks. You see He just helped me realize today, that this mothers day will be my grandprincess's daddy's & Aunties first mothers day without their mama...& her nanny's first without her daughter...

2 Corinthians 1:3-4

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.

Mothers day isn't always a day of celebration for everyone...this mothers day please share your hearts & love with everyone you meet...you may not understand what God is asking them to walk through.

To my grandprincess's daddy, Auntie & Nanny...along with ALL sweet D's family & friends...I'm so terribly sorry for your loss...may God Himself wrap each of y'all in His tender arms...to my grandprincess...God's moving these mountains & I know God's plans are to give us hope & a future...hang in with  me sweet one, God's got us!!! I love you & I miss you & God will bring you back again...I will prophesy like it is done.

Birds of a feather...don't always flock together

This past month was the first in our new rental home. While my handsome hubby is still working on the northwest coast, he was able to come & help us get moved to the house. He had to return to work the Sunday after we got the stuff moved over, that was a hard moment...I thought. What I didn't know at the moment was that God's next plan included a much deeper knowledge of loneliness than I had EVER known in my 50 years. I probably would've never guessed what the ah ha moment would be...what the actual definition of the knowledge He was permanently etching in my heart. That it may have seemed to be about loneliness...but in the end was actually about "self preservation."

I love how my Poppa God surprises me. I can't say that I always enjoy the path getting to the surprise. Or that I always have joy, smile & say thank You Lord may I have another. No in reality most of the time I put up a struggle that would remind you of something caught in a trap that was ready to attack every thing that comes close. I fight anything that to me, may seem different, or too hard. I don't know why, God always trims away something that seems like He lifted the world right off my shoulders. Today He did just that as I sat watching the birds that stop to refill their tiny belly's at the old wooden bird feeder the last family left in the huge tree in our backyard. 

When we moved in the feeder sat empty. I don't know how long it sat empty, but it was empty for the first week I was here. I probably would've just left it that way...but every time I looked at it, I felt the urge to fill it. I remembered how much I enjoyed the feeders that my sweet hubby & little man made me at the last house. They made them out of plastic 2 liter bottles & large juice bottles with one of my wooden skewers...after they cut the point off of course. I would fill them & then sit out on the patio & enjoy watching the beautiful birds stop by to fill up before taking off. It was a very relaxing & peaceful activity for me. So off I went to the store & got a small bag of wild bird seed. It took me a few to figure out the lid just pulls straight up...in fact I just figured that out last week, a little slow I know. What I figured out really quick was the the little bag of bird seed I bought would only last 2 days...that's NOT a typo. 

Another thing I figured out is that God whispers everywhere...even in the moments of watching His simple creatures...like His birds. He has shared so much with me in the last several weeks of watching these innocent creations...all of which has led to this realization...every life He creates, is born with a "self preservation" filled heart. From the tiniest cell to the largest of His creations. We all have that instinct...we have to save ourselves...the reality of this floored me. We all want to protect ourselves. God created us this way...He wants us to choose Him...not us to pretend to choose Him. Really choose to allow Him to take control of even the smallest of details of our lives. Then because of all He is & Who He is...choose to listen & freely give Him all of our lives...every single piece of the puzzle...our tiny piece in His huge puzzle.

I have heard so many times, "God doesn't care about my ...., He has much more important things to take care of."...or this one I love...when I say "God just told me..." the person looks at me bewildered & says, "how do you know that was God?"...opens the door for God to come into the smallest of details sometimes. I believe whole heartedly that God will use whatever will get our attention, or whatever has our attention to get a word to us. Whether we are a believer or not...He will start to gently whisper through something & until He trims it all away, He will get louder & use much more literal signs. He does care about even the smallest bit of worldliness we hold onto. He knows that even that tiny piece can distract us...take our focus & trip us up. So every single piece must go.

Though we are born with the foundation of "self preservation" God wants us to allow Him to be the ONLY One we put our faith in, trust in without thinking about it. So I believe He also planted a desire for something more...more than anything in this world could EVER fill. So we start searching until we find something that seems to make us happy & fulfilled...until we find ourselves unhappy & wanting more...then we move on to the next one. Over & over again we fall victim to the distractions the enemy uses...regardless of what it is, it keeps us searching...

While watching the birds outside each day, God's shared several messages & I felt like they needed to be written down. So for the last several weeks I went old school & got out a notebook & wrote what I heard Him whispering. Today I finally got what He was trying to teach me...I can't even begin to tell you how long I have struggle with this issue...& in an instant I heard Him & knew the answer to why it's so hard to let go & let God.

Birds aren't educated, they don't live as humans do. Things that are important to me birds probably don't even notice...I don't mean things like eating, breathing, water & stuff like that...I mean how their feathers look to the pigeon next to them, or even if there's a pigeon next to them. They are focused only on the necessities of life...like living. Even though they are different, they are the same at the core...they live according to the "self preservation" built into them just like every other living creation. 

I noticed from the very beginning that just like with most people they will ease up to the wall & test the safety of the situation...because they are hungry, they will follow others. They line up on the wall...they will wait on the others to go first...they don't want to take the chance...let someone else take the chance. Then there's always one...just one, that will fly right in & land on either the feeder or the ground around where I throw the extra seeds & start to eat without even looking around to see if it's safe. It just knows there is food & it is hungry...don't get me wrong it is alert, very alert...but the empty little belly needs fed. Eventually most of the others will follow & it looks like the movie from the 60's in my backyard. 

In the beginning I noticed that they are easily distracted by fear of being hurt...but they have learned that I move around & will usually be sitting outside waiting for them. They don't understand for me it's a gift to watch them & it calms my soul...but I do. God & I have had many enlightening conversations during these quiet moments...He has taught me a lot in those moments I am still in His presence. They will fly away when the door is opened, or if I walk out in the yard...usually there is a loner that stays behind in the neighbors tree...it just watches me & when it feels safe enough it will come back & the others will watch & then follow. It's funny to me that the bigger the bird the more fear it has...the bigger birds take longer to find the food & then when they do, they take the longest to get off the wall...they go hungry sometimes because the are too afraid to just get off the wall before the door opens...or they will chase the littler birds away & stand guard so no one eats...eventually one of the littler birds will just fly past the bigger bird & eat. The others will see it's ok & follow the leader...they realize they don't have to fear the bigger bird.

It's funny that God has at times asked me to take the first step...let go of the fear holding me back & trust Him...put some action behind my words. In some of the times it was so others could see His strength & pull the blinders off someone He wants to reach...in others it was to trim away something I am holding onto...but in ALL of the times He was showing us Who He is...who we are to Him. Sometimes He wants me to stand alone, with Him only...in these moments I am finally learning that He is answering my prayers I have lifted..."dear Lord cleanse me of anything that's not like You." He is asking me if He is enough...even though my mouth may say yes...He knows my heart does not...yet. 

In this last month I have learned the definition of loneliness...I have never felt more alone. I have cried, I have raged, I have crumpled on the floor & asked why more times than I can count...when I unplugged my ears & shut my lips...my Poppa God whispered..."I will never leave you nor forsake you...I will always be here, even when I strip away the distractions, I will be here." Then the question that seems to follow that sweet whisper..."am I enough?" Each time I hear this question, I automatically say yes...I "say" yes...but I don't always live yes. I know God knows this & I am learning that this is usually the entrance to another level of our relationship...& the first step to another good trimming season.

I have many times "stood in the hallway" waiting for God to show me which way to go...honestly I have also stood in front of other doors holding them open...or keeping them closed. I struggle with change & getting in the way does make it harder...but I also have the "self preservation" gene...I want to not feel the pain, or make the choices. Many times in my life it's about moving forward...either me or who I am holding onto. God may not plan on us traveling any farther on the same path...at least for the moment. I however am comfy & will cling until it's too painful...then I will release. After I let go, God will show me...that moment is a moment I see just how mighty, powerful & loving my Poppa God is...I will understand why.

Sometimes either me or the other person is living with one foot in the world's ways & one foot in His plan. I know that this doesn't work...I also know that no amount of pressure I place on them, or how hard I try to convince them...ONLY God can change a person. I have to just keep in step with God, give them to God & keep on moving forward. Even in letting others go, I struggle with self preservation...it's easier to avoid the subjects & keep the peace, than to deal with the hurt that goes with facing what God's asking me to. 

So today when I heard Him whisper "self preservation"...I knew instantly what He has been walking me through this season...His one command...in John 15:12-14

This is my commandment: Love each other in the same way I have loved you. 13 There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. 14 You are my friends if you do what I command.

He is trimming away my instinct for "self preservation"...the instinct to choose me, before anyone else...to love me first. When I choose this instinct before choosing to be like Him, I am choosing the world before Him. He wants me to look to Him as my example...after all that's my goal, to be like Him...for others to see Him in me. The issue is that each time I choose "self preservation" others will recognize that. They will see the flaws, the dirt, the past. When I choose to put others before myself, God is glorified & He works through it all. They won't recognize this & they will look at you like you're crazy, because they are looking for a clean mirror not a dirty, broken old window...in a world full of squeaky clean mirrors, God is asking me to be a dirty, broken, flawed window...a window that with all it's broken pieces, still shines God's glory as He cleans me up & pieces me back together...He is showing others Who He is in my choice to let go of my "self preservation" He is reminding me that though the world tells me I have to be a shiny mirror, be like everyone else. Dont get me wrong, the world may say, "let's keep the peace & be the same" but the real peace comes from God & real peace doesn't look like peace in the depths of pain & sorrow, only in the surrender that follows saying yes to being the broken, dirty window, then I can see Him & His plan...He is the clean spots in me.

Are you alone???

This morning my Poppa God has been whispering such a great word in my ear. Those whispers are finding their way onto my heart...etching them for now & later. In the last several months my life has felt a lot like I was dragging a large mountain behind me...everywhere I went. I have spent many difficult moments I thought I wouldn't make it through...if I am honest, moments, days, weeks...even months I honestly was hoping NOT to make it through...I would beg God to take me then, at that exact moment...& yet here I am...still breathing, still alive, still here...

All of this brought me to rock bottom...where once again I realized Who the ROCK is...Who is there EVERY SINGLE TIME...Who NEVER FAILS me...Who NEVER LEAVES me...my Poppa God.

In this last few months I have faced a whole lot of loneliness...I have felt like I was completely alone in my life...I have seen so many people I "needed" in my life, walk away, or be taken out. Until finally one evening as I was angrily packing up the house we have lived in for almost 5 years...I walked off the path God was walking me down & ran hard into the lies the enemy was continuously screaming at me...the buttons he has ALWAYS reverted to when God is getting ready to trim away a big fat chunk of "sin" from me...who I am...loneliness. 

For a people lover like me...this can be deadly...especially when mixed with my mental illness...God walks me through these struggles...He carries me through them. It took me a long time to realize that God is just waiting...waiting for me to hand the hurt over...give Him the pieces & bury myself deep in His protection until I know He is carrying me & all I have to do is look for His plan in His whispers...then I can walk in the testimony He is building through the struggle...choose His path of peace for others to see Him. 

In the last few months I let this ALL build & build inside...believing I was in control...but finally one of the people I thought would NEVER hurt me, who understood my struggles, just like I did hers...hurt me. At the time, I was so angry for feeling the hurt. I was angry at her & eventually I turned that anger on myself...I was done. No more, I tried to talk to those around me, but they were looking at this change as a blessing, as God's next step for us...I however was keeping all my struggles close & not going to let go that easy...

One evening as I was packing, by myself again, I read something that just ripped my heart out of my chest...I reached out  to those I thought had my back...I reached out to those who said they loved me...no one was there, no one was available...I was completely alone. I wanted out, I started looking for a stash of "just in case" pills I knew I had seen previously...pills I had saved for a way out...a way out of pain, a way out of a struggle like this. I dug through EVERY single tub, box & bucket in my closet where I had seen them...I couldn't find ANY of them...I searched & searched arguing with Poppa God the entire time...yelling, crying, begging Him to let me go...I finally heard Him say..."no my princess I am not done with your testimony yet...no." I dropped to my knees sobbing, still begging for Him to take me, to stop this pain, to take it all away...I sobbed & begged for what seemed like an hour...finally the begging went from asking Him to take me, to asking Him to show me the way to His peace...to the testimony He wanted to build out of my life. 

In the time that has passed since that moment I have faced many other struggles. I cant say that I have always kept my focus, but I can say that I am grateful for the struggles, they teach me to seek Him first...not to expect others to see past their struggles, not to allow myself to place the same expectations on them as I do on my Poppa God. I know He's moving me in a new direction, one that could lead me anywhere...I am excited. I am learning to enjoy His company, not just in the moments when others let me down...but every moment. In the past I have learned on many occasions that others will let me down & I will let others down, that is just a fact of life...it's how I choose to react to these hurts that will separate me from the enemy's plans...& I will choose to focus on God & love them anyways, even from afar.

I also am learning that God will always wait...He knows who He created me to be...He only sees me complete, that's how He wants me to look at others...complete.

We got moved into a new home...one I wouldnt have chosen for us...but God chose it & I know by the blessings He's been bringing into view on a daily basis. The things I thought were His blessings at first, have turned out not to be His blessings...they are part of the struggle He is walking me through, but not one of the amazing gifts I have found in this new home. Hidden gifts like scorpions in a couple of the light fixtures I walk under on a regular basis...they remind me to let go of fear...or the broken microwave, which meant no evening treat for me, the one treat I always enjoy while watching a little tv in the evenings. I appreciate that treat a whole lot more now...or the toilets that broke a week apart...the first one was the only downstairs toilet...the first one was fixed, we have amazing management at this new home...then the other one broke, the plumber lives in another town and wasn't thrilled to have to make 2 trips out here...but the fact that things that are broken are being repaired are a blessing...and being the people person I am, I have gotten to share in praying for some others. One of the biggest gifts is the stairs...I get to climb them 20+ times a day...sometimes 3-4 times for the same thing...yes I moved farther from the gym I belong to, but can no longer use due to injury & advancing disease...I am able to continue to build strength in my body...I think the best gift I have received is the gift of being without company...I wont say being alone...because what Poppa God has reminded me of....again...is that I am NEVER alone once I choose Him. But in the lack of others being here, I am seeing the blessing of having a beautiful backyard, an old birdhouse that was once long forgotten by the birds...I filled the birdhouse...and they have found the once lost feeding spot. Which for me, means enjoying watching the birds & the joy that brings me...a joy I had forgotten about...

PEACE 

***by the way, I found EVERY single bottle of pills in not just one stash, but several stashes even some I forgot about...I prayed & lifted praise to Poppa God as I dumped EVERY pill!!! NO MORE STASHES for me...ONLY God's Grace!!!

Be strong & courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will NEVER leave you NOR forsake you."

Deuteronomy 31:6 NIV

Can you see them?

 

 

         



 

 

 

Last week I made the 1/2 century mark...yes I turned 50...or as I like to say, "I am 29 with 21 years experience." I did realize that more than likely, I am more than 1/2 way through my life...which is exactly what Poppa God wanted me to remember...I am pretty sure. He has been placing people in my path forever, of course I only started to recognize this in the last 3-4 years. Before that I thought those who crossed my path were a lesson, or a blessing...and I decided which by how I felt about you...what you did or didn't do to me, or for me. The way of the world...do to others, before they do to you.

 

As those of you who have read my blog over the last couple years know God asked my little girl to say yes to a HUGE step of faith & place the beautiful little feather into her mama's arms...after raising her for several months. The mama He created Little Feather for...the one He asked to step out just as boldly & accept that He brought her little girl to her another's womb. If you haven't been following you can find all my posts here on my blog...please feel free to share any feedback, I love it when people share their heart with me.

 

One day this week I woke up with pictures of Little Feather in my thoughts...I remembered having a dream about her...I don't remember the exact dream, I only know I woke up feeling an overwhelming rush of joy & sadness all at the same time. I started to cry, I started to wonder...I whispered to Poppa God, "did her heart ache for my little girl after we left that evening???" I suddenly felt the recognizable comfort of my Poppa God's Arms wrapped gently around me...holding me, covering me in the peace only He can give. Then pictures of her eyes twinkling & her chubby little cheeks came rushing forward...the smile that she blesses the world with. I found my peace again and went on with my day.

 

A few hours later I received a message from Little Feather's mama...she shared with me that while she was scrolling down her Facebook page with Little Feather in her lap earlier that day, they came across a picture of me & when Little Feather saw it she said "grandma"...in that exact moment I lifted my face to my Poppa God with tears flowing freely down my face...I whispered "thank You Poppa, thank You." He whispered to me, "she's ALL good." The overwhelming mercy He showed in answering me in my moment of struggling with the enemy's lies, poured out over me and filled me back up with the peace He has in His will.

 

Just then Sr, my oldest son came out and said "are you crying??" Of course I couldn't hide it. Me and Sr have differing beliefs on Jesus. We have agreed to respect each others beliefs and we do not push ours onto each other...I am just living with the prayer that he will hear God's calling and say yes. So I explained why I was crying and how I was grateful for the quick response to my question to God that morning. Of course Sr is skeptical...most people are, especially at first. But Poppa God is faithful and He does give us exactly what we need...So we ended up on the subject of Little Feather's aunt...a young woman Sr hung out with in Jr High...of course his head turned when I mentioned her name..."what does she have to do with Little Feather??" he asked. "She's her aunt." I answered.

I could see the amazement in his face..."Really?" he asked, a little shock in his voice. I explained to him that her dad is this young woman's brother. My son explains to the little girl & Jr that he and my little sister used to hang out with her and one of her brothers. After he was done I finally say, "Isn't it amazing how God works...when you were Jr's age you hung out with Little Feather's aunt & uncle...with no idea that God had a much deeper plan for our families...a plan that would intertwine our families forever." Sr actually went to school with Little Feather's dad & possible mom back years before the jr high...in another town. So God actually brought our families together back many years before He asked Little Girl & Little Feather's mama to take a HUGE step in faith. I love that He shows His amazing building of a plan to us...after we say yes to Him.

Poppa God has been giving me more and more chances to step out in faith...to go deeper into a relationship with Him...He has blessed me with so many different gifts. Some I have recognized right away...others He has taken years to mold and shape until just the right moment...the moment when He brings it all together and we all marvel at the depth of His love. Sometimes He asks us to give and sometimes He asks us to receive...both are difficult for us because we are taught from a very young age that God only cares if we are good enough, He doesn't deal with the minute details of our lives...just the big ones.

Well I have learned that He does care about EVERY detail of me...not only my life...but me. He cares if His princess is hurting and He meets me in the pain. Sometimes He gives me the answer I am asking for...other times He simply holds me in His mercy and unexplainable peace while I wait. It's actually my choice to allow myself to be immersed in His arms...EVEN during the hard times....or I can choose to feel the pains and pressures of the struggle...either way He's always here, always ready, always caring...



Stop...

https://youtu.be/KquYvAxtqH4

Climbing higher and higher

https://youtu.be/sGU0NmOXHCY

Look up, not around

https://youtu.be/8Vn-vRCKnSw

My latest video blog

https://youtu.be/PFckw7JVe5o

Every day is something to celebrate...

Today is "National Adoption Day." Some of you may have never had a reason to celebrate such a day. Today is a very special day to me...I am a birth mom & birth Nona. In my family adoption is celebrated. It hasn't always been like that. The first time I learned anything about adoption was in 1984 when my mom adopted my only sister's first child & suddenly I had another sister...of course I was 18, so it wasn't really like having another sister. There was much bitterness, worry, fear, etc... But she was a very sick baby & so sweet. I felt led to place a child, a son, when I had already had 2 of my children, I had Sr. (my oldest son) & Little Girl (my youngest daughter.) That decision I have never regretted. I know God's plan was for me to carry this baby boy, then the wonderful family He had chosen on the other side of the USA would raise him. He was created just for them & because of this, I've never felt a pang of "what if??" When God's plan comes together the way He creates it, it just creates a peace beyond all understanding.

Now I've seen adoption from another side. I have someone I love that was unable to follow through with placing the child with a family that was so excited for the child they knew they were being blessed with...when she backed out they cried & lashed out. The sad thing was they were right about what they said. In that situation the child ended up becoming my brother when I was almost 40. I see the struggles in this choice. It's not covered in the unexplainable peace that I know. All involved have been hurt, including the child. Another family member that I grew up with, in fact I went to my first bar with her...I was 13, she was 16. Of course there are many other things I remember about growing up so close too. Things that aren't bad choices, but good ones. I know when my only bio sibling, my sis' shot herself, it was her & her mom, my favorite aunt, that listened to me cry & cried with me. The amazing thing is, she also adopted one of my nieces, I had 2 nieces. My cousin found out she was adopted by the father she thought was her bio dad when she was in her 20-30's. She never knew she wasn't his, until someone decided to spill the beans. She struggled with that for many years in many damaging ways. I believe to this day, it still causes her to backslide.

For everyone of the bad stories, there are probably a whole lot more good stories. Like mine. I believe with every part of me that the difference is in the reason for the choice. I wasn't a Christian when I placed him with his parents. I believed in God, but it was in a legalistic way, a religious wrathful, angry God. My adoption moment is filled with joy, love & peace. I chose to believe God when He said, "This one is for a mom that I have chosen. I have chosen you to be the vessel to bring him into her arms." I can look back now, over 21 years later, and see how He orchestrated every detail...to fit my tiny bit of understanding. Back then I heard God, but didn't know it was Him, I realize this now. If I would've kept him & did it my own way, God's plan wouldn't have been fulfilled. Lives would be drastically different. I have talked with him in the past, the other mom's son, God clearly has shown me that he was NEVER mine, never intended for me, with details that I understand. He asked me if I "ever regretted giving him up for adoption?" I was totally honest with him, I told him "no, I've never regretted placing you in your mom's arms. She is your mom, God created you for her, I was just a vessel. I was blessed to be the one to carry you for your mom & dad." I hope with all my heart that I didn't hurt his feelings with that truth.

I shared a post recently called "Dear Little Feather..." I did my best to share that my daughter has been asked by God to be a birth mom. She struggled with believing she was strong enough, then she allowed God to be her strength & found that unexplainable peace. I am in awe of her faith. She is doing wonderfully & has had to cry with Nona a few times, but not because she's hurting because I am shedding a few tears at the loss of a sweet little feather. She reminds me that "God's in this..." I wipe my eyes & smile at the thought of how happy & giggly that sweet little feather is in the pictures & videos her mom & dad have been sharing. Back into His immense ocean of peace I go...knowing she is with her mom & dad & brother, the family God created her for.

So, today I share all of this chaos, to also share a request, a special request from this Nona, for her little feather. When Little Girl decided to listen & say yes when she finally heard our Lord's plan, it was a very unexpected surprise for little feather's family. They weren't expecting all the costs of adoption. I have no idea what they all are, but I know there are lawyers, court costs & other adoption expenses. They have been working on many different ways of earning the money for it like yard sales, online product sales from friends & they have set up a go fund me account. I have shared it over & over on my facebook page & will continue to do so. Now I'm asking you, can you help...either financially or through prayer?? Please step up if you believe in adoption, instead of abortion. If you believe God still performs miracles, or God plans a man's steps. If you've ever adopted a child, or are an adopted child, please take a leap of faith & help out however you can. Help them become complete.

Please also let me set this straight. I've been asked & others have to, if Little Girl will be getting any of the money. The answer is a HUGE NO. She isn't asking for any help at all, and she wont. She's trusting God & His promises. So here we go, if you'd like to help here's the link:

http://www.gofundme.com/h6yi20?fb_action_ids=873987902620157&fb_action_types=og.shares&fb_source=other_multiline&action_object_map=%5B269886433135295%5D&action_type_map=%5B%22og.shares%22%5D&action_ref_map=%5B%5D



http://www.gofundme.com/h6yi20?fb_action_ids=873987902620157&fb_action_types=og.shares&fb_source=other_multiline&action_object_map=%5B269886433135295%5D&action_type_map=%5B%22og.shares%22%5D&action_ref_map=%5B%5D


I'm hoping those one of those links work for you. If not I bet you could search for Jaelynn's adoption fund on Gofundme.com.

 

Thanks all.

 

#GodisinEVERYdetail #everydaymiracles #adoption #love #Jesusgirl