"Out of Order"

Then he said, “I beg of you, my Lord Jesus, show me grace and take me with you into your everlasting kingdom!”

 Jesus responded, “I promise you—this very day you will enter paradise with me.”

Luke 23:42-43 TPT

Today my only biological sibling, my little sister, Sis', should've been 51...I was going to say, would've, but honestly today I feel like she should've been 51. Not that I don't trust God's plans, I just miss my sister...and though she took her life during the heat of a battle with this life, I know that God is sovereign over all things...and that night, that dark spring night back in 2002, she had no armor to put on...she had no weapons to fight with...she had no more strength to take on another day of war against herself. Many times I have thought to myself, "oh I wish I would've been there...I wish I would've known...I wish I would've stopped having expectations of her that she couldn't live up to... I wish I would've been a better big sister."

Instead of drowning in the cruel distractions of questions that can't and won't be answered until I join her in Heaven, God called this day my "Out of Order" day...His plans are only to give me hope and a future, so today He whispered, "hang an out of order sign on your bedroom door and take a walk down memory lane with Me." So, what does a "Daddy's girl" do when He asks her to spend the day with Him??? Right I argued with Him...you thought I was going to say, she listens to God and hangs the sign, didn't you? Well, no actually I started with every excuse that comes to a mom, Nona and wife. "Lord I can't do that my kitchen is a wreck," "I can't do that I need to go grocery shopping," or "I can't do that I need to work out." Finally, when all my arguments were met with Him reminding me "it's ok to take a rest day, trust me, all those things will still be there when tomorrow comes." Then He shared this sweet nugget with me from Mark 6:31b

So Jesus said to his disciples, “Come, let’s take a break and find a secluded place where you can rest a while.”

You guessed it, here I am...enjoying a "Sabbath" of sorts. While I was relaxing in His word this morning, during my morning gift of just lingering with Him and His promises, He took me to Job 11:13, "“If you would prepare your heart,

And stretch out your hands toward Him;" This is the NKJV...but as I was writing this He took me to the MSG translation of Job 11:13-20...

"Reach Out to God"

13-20 “Still, if you set your heart on God

    and reach out to him,

If you scrub your hands of sin

    and refuse to entertain evil in your home,

You’ll be able to face the world unashamed

    and keep a firm grip on life, guiltless and fearless.

You’ll forget your troubles;

    they’ll be like old, faded photographs.

Your world will be washed in sunshine,

    every shadow dispersed by dayspring.

Full of hope, you’ll relax, confident again;

    you’ll look around, sit back, and take it easy.

Expansive, without a care in the world,

    you’ll be hunted out by many for your blessing.

But the wicked will see none of this.

    They’re headed down a dead-end road

    with nothing to look forward to—nothing.”

I get now why God asks us to go deeper with Him...He isn't trying to drown us in rules, NO quite the contrary, He's giving us His grace, He is giving us direction that will bless us...and others. While my usual reaction to this date is one of sadness and should haves, could haves and would haves, He is asking me to "come away with Him..." To let Him make the plans and me just put one foot in front of the other. 

Today instead of drowning in a pool of tears, don't get me wrong I have cried several and I have sobbed into my Saviors arms, I am choosing to walk in His memories of 2 sisters He grew together. So here goes I am letting Him guide me with this new journey, without Him...well without Him I couldn't do this.

God reminded me this morning that He placed us side by side for a reason. I remember being by my Sissy's side for many of her huge moments. She was the exact opposite of me and for a good portion of our childhood that was very evident. We may have battled to the death of a couple of our stuffed animals, and I bribed her not to tell on me many times with things she didn't have that I did, like a radio, or tv or clothes...but let someone say a word against either of us, or one of us feel the crushing pain of being hurt and we forgot every thing we ever did to each other. My little sister was my battle comrade and I was hers. She was quiet and didn't speak up for herself, even when she had a right to...according to the worlds views. We weren't raised with the knowledge about God, we weren't raised in a family where we started our days in God's word, or even to say grace before each meal. Not that we were raised in satan's house, our parents just had not learned about how to live with and for God, so they didn't raise us with this important piece of wisdom. 

But all these years later, after God has gotten a hold of me and I realize that though she didn't know why, she had no desire to have a battle of words with others, instead she would walk away...silently. Though she had no idea she was living according to what Jesus said, she was. Though God has and is teaching me about how regrets can shape and corrupt my life, for most of my life I have lived in a state of regret mostly because of my inability to walk away silently. I am learning though, in fact it is actually becoming my reaction when someone hurts me, and I start to lash out in anger. I don't know if it's because my sister was the youngest, and she always had a big sister by her side growing up, but I do know that God created her to know how to respond. In fact my mom will tell you that I always had an answer for everything, she would say, "why can't you be like your sister, she knows when to be quiet and let it go?" When I was younger, and before I met Jesus, I would shout back at her...I would need the last word.

But these last few years, God is showing me the peace in just silently walking away, while I ask Him to shower them with blessings. In Proverbs 11:12, Mean-spirited slander is heartless;

    quiet discretion accompanies good sense...I am reminded that always having to have the last word, well that is only going to end up hurting someone and in the long run it ends up hurting me. Jesus used God's truth when He was tempted by satan in the desert, He didn't use hurtful, angry, or bitterness to try to battle the liar of this world. So the farther I get in my walk with Jesus, the more He is arming me for the attacks the enemy and his minions wage against me. I am learning that I don't have to have the last word to the person, but I can take my desire to have the last word to God and lift their name up with a genuine request that He bless them. 

My little sister lived this way for pretty much all of her life, she was a little more bold about speaking her mind as she got older, but it was really just her being honest. She grew to be very blunt, her filter was still there, but her big sister wasn't. I can think about the hours we would spend playing barbies, riding our bikes, or skating around and around our driveway...I also have a memory of trying to protect her from the darkness of a babysitter who would linger in the hallway, or offer to play hide n' seek with us...I was there the night she found the only man she ever loved in their marital bed with another woman and her child...I had to tear her off him as she ripped her fingernails off in his chest while he protected the other woman...I remember many nights of her protecting her big sister in bars as I drank myself into a crazy stupor and then danced on the edge of safety. She battled against the devil as I fought suicidal attacks and she refused to let me give into them, even slapping me across my face when I screamed one night in hers about letting me die!! I was at her weddings, both of them. I was at the birth of a child she placed for adoption and also her youngest child while she sucked on one toostie roll pop after another because she was craving a cigarette so bad. She was there during the birth of my daughter and also was the only one there when I carried and gave birth to the boy God asked me to be a birth mom to...in fact she's the only one, besides me, that met him and held him...she carried him to the nursery. 

God had us side by side for most of 34 years...and for the last 16 years and 5 months I have not had her by my side. The woman who would physically fight a man in my defense...she took a 10 mm handgun, loaded it with a hollowpoint bullet, grabbed her Bible and a pen...wrote, "please forgive me God, I can't take the pain anymore," sat down at her kitchen table and put the gun to her chin and pulled the trigger...with that single act I lost my built in best friend, confidant, protector, and more than that...my only sibling...my little sister. No one could've ever convinced me that my little sister would take her own life, she was not a suicidal person...she was way to tough for that. But the wars raged and she couldn't fight them alone anymore...she didn't really know God, only that He could save her...in Heaven.

For a long time after that I felt like I had to make excuses for her taking her life, I would say she shot herself, but I know she is in Heaven because...and at one of the retreats I went to with MYRRH Minstries a friend reminded me that my sister is free, I don't have to protect her anymore...that she didn't leave this world to get away from anyone but herself, her broken mind. 

I started this post out with Luke 23:42-43 in The Passion Translation...these Scriptures were the perfect reminder for this big sister on a day that I should be celebrating the birth of my little sister who took her life...regardless of how far we are away from God, it only takes one breath, one whisper of His Name, to bring Him back to us. 

Sis', 

I miss you, I am sorry you felt so alone... I will be by your side again, when God calls me home. Thank you Sis' for making your last breath, Jesus' Name...Happy Birthday to you, my Sissy.

Love,

your big sister 

Can you see them?

 

 

         



 

 

 

Last week I made the 1/2 century mark...yes I turned 50...or as I like to say, "I am 29 with 21 years experience." I did realize that more than likely, I am more than 1/2 way through my life...which is exactly what Poppa God wanted me to remember...I am pretty sure. He has been placing people in my path forever, of course I only started to recognize this in the last 3-4 years. Before that I thought those who crossed my path were a lesson, or a blessing...and I decided which by how I felt about you...what you did or didn't do to me, or for me. The way of the world...do to others, before they do to you.

 

As those of you who have read my blog over the last couple years know God asked my little girl to say yes to a HUGE step of faith & place the beautiful little feather into her mama's arms...after raising her for several months. The mama He created Little Feather for...the one He asked to step out just as boldly & accept that He brought her little girl to her another's womb. If you haven't been following you can find all my posts here on my blog...please feel free to share any feedback, I love it when people share their heart with me.

 

One day this week I woke up with pictures of Little Feather in my thoughts...I remembered having a dream about her...I don't remember the exact dream, I only know I woke up feeling an overwhelming rush of joy & sadness all at the same time. I started to cry, I started to wonder...I whispered to Poppa God, "did her heart ache for my little girl after we left that evening???" I suddenly felt the recognizable comfort of my Poppa God's Arms wrapped gently around me...holding me, covering me in the peace only He can give. Then pictures of her eyes twinkling & her chubby little cheeks came rushing forward...the smile that she blesses the world with. I found my peace again and went on with my day.

 

A few hours later I received a message from Little Feather's mama...she shared with me that while she was scrolling down her Facebook page with Little Feather in her lap earlier that day, they came across a picture of me & when Little Feather saw it she said "grandma"...in that exact moment I lifted my face to my Poppa God with tears flowing freely down my face...I whispered "thank You Poppa, thank You." He whispered to me, "she's ALL good." The overwhelming mercy He showed in answering me in my moment of struggling with the enemy's lies, poured out over me and filled me back up with the peace He has in His will.

 

Just then Sr, my oldest son came out and said "are you crying??" Of course I couldn't hide it. Me and Sr have differing beliefs on Jesus. We have agreed to respect each others beliefs and we do not push ours onto each other...I am just living with the prayer that he will hear God's calling and say yes. So I explained why I was crying and how I was grateful for the quick response to my question to God that morning. Of course Sr is skeptical...most people are, especially at first. But Poppa God is faithful and He does give us exactly what we need...So we ended up on the subject of Little Feather's aunt...a young woman Sr hung out with in Jr High...of course his head turned when I mentioned her name..."what does she have to do with Little Feather??" he asked. "She's her aunt." I answered.

I could see the amazement in his face..."Really?" he asked, a little shock in his voice. I explained to him that her dad is this young woman's brother. My son explains to the little girl & Jr that he and my little sister used to hang out with her and one of her brothers. After he was done I finally say, "Isn't it amazing how God works...when you were Jr's age you hung out with Little Feather's aunt & uncle...with no idea that God had a much deeper plan for our families...a plan that would intertwine our families forever." Sr actually went to school with Little Feather's dad & possible mom back years before the jr high...in another town. So God actually brought our families together back many years before He asked Little Girl & Little Feather's mama to take a HUGE step in faith. I love that He shows His amazing building of a plan to us...after we say yes to Him.

Poppa God has been giving me more and more chances to step out in faith...to go deeper into a relationship with Him...He has blessed me with so many different gifts. Some I have recognized right away...others He has taken years to mold and shape until just the right moment...the moment when He brings it all together and we all marvel at the depth of His love. Sometimes He asks us to give and sometimes He asks us to receive...both are difficult for us because we are taught from a very young age that God only cares if we are good enough, He doesn't deal with the minute details of our lives...just the big ones.

Well I have learned that He does care about EVERY detail of me...not only my life...but me. He cares if His princess is hurting and He meets me in the pain. Sometimes He gives me the answer I am asking for...other times He simply holds me in His mercy and unexplainable peace while I wait. It's actually my choice to allow myself to be immersed in His arms...EVEN during the hard times....or I can choose to feel the pains and pressures of the struggle...either way He's always here, always ready, always caring...



Every day is something to celebrate...

Today is "National Adoption Day." Some of you may have never had a reason to celebrate such a day. Today is a very special day to me...I am a birth mom & birth Nona. In my family adoption is celebrated. It hasn't always been like that. The first time I learned anything about adoption was in 1984 when my mom adopted my only sister's first child & suddenly I had another sister...of course I was 18, so it wasn't really like having another sister. There was much bitterness, worry, fear, etc... But she was a very sick baby & so sweet. I felt led to place a child, a son, when I had already had 2 of my children, I had Sr. (my oldest son) & Little Girl (my youngest daughter.) That decision I have never regretted. I know God's plan was for me to carry this baby boy, then the wonderful family He had chosen on the other side of the USA would raise him. He was created just for them & because of this, I've never felt a pang of "what if??" When God's plan comes together the way He creates it, it just creates a peace beyond all understanding.

Now I've seen adoption from another side. I have someone I love that was unable to follow through with placing the child with a family that was so excited for the child they knew they were being blessed with...when she backed out they cried & lashed out. The sad thing was they were right about what they said. In that situation the child ended up becoming my brother when I was almost 40. I see the struggles in this choice. It's not covered in the unexplainable peace that I know. All involved have been hurt, including the child. Another family member that I grew up with, in fact I went to my first bar with her...I was 13, she was 16. Of course there are many other things I remember about growing up so close too. Things that aren't bad choices, but good ones. I know when my only bio sibling, my sis' shot herself, it was her & her mom, my favorite aunt, that listened to me cry & cried with me. The amazing thing is, she also adopted one of my nieces, I had 2 nieces. My cousin found out she was adopted by the father she thought was her bio dad when she was in her 20-30's. She never knew she wasn't his, until someone decided to spill the beans. She struggled with that for many years in many damaging ways. I believe to this day, it still causes her to backslide.

For everyone of the bad stories, there are probably a whole lot more good stories. Like mine. I believe with every part of me that the difference is in the reason for the choice. I wasn't a Christian when I placed him with his parents. I believed in God, but it was in a legalistic way, a religious wrathful, angry God. My adoption moment is filled with joy, love & peace. I chose to believe God when He said, "This one is for a mom that I have chosen. I have chosen you to be the vessel to bring him into her arms." I can look back now, over 21 years later, and see how He orchestrated every detail...to fit my tiny bit of understanding. Back then I heard God, but didn't know it was Him, I realize this now. If I would've kept him & did it my own way, God's plan wouldn't have been fulfilled. Lives would be drastically different. I have talked with him in the past, the other mom's son, God clearly has shown me that he was NEVER mine, never intended for me, with details that I understand. He asked me if I "ever regretted giving him up for adoption?" I was totally honest with him, I told him "no, I've never regretted placing you in your mom's arms. She is your mom, God created you for her, I was just a vessel. I was blessed to be the one to carry you for your mom & dad." I hope with all my heart that I didn't hurt his feelings with that truth.

I shared a post recently called "Dear Little Feather..." I did my best to share that my daughter has been asked by God to be a birth mom. She struggled with believing she was strong enough, then she allowed God to be her strength & found that unexplainable peace. I am in awe of her faith. She is doing wonderfully & has had to cry with Nona a few times, but not because she's hurting because I am shedding a few tears at the loss of a sweet little feather. She reminds me that "God's in this..." I wipe my eyes & smile at the thought of how happy & giggly that sweet little feather is in the pictures & videos her mom & dad have been sharing. Back into His immense ocean of peace I go...knowing she is with her mom & dad & brother, the family God created her for.

So, today I share all of this chaos, to also share a request, a special request from this Nona, for her little feather. When Little Girl decided to listen & say yes when she finally heard our Lord's plan, it was a very unexpected surprise for little feather's family. They weren't expecting all the costs of adoption. I have no idea what they all are, but I know there are lawyers, court costs & other adoption expenses. They have been working on many different ways of earning the money for it like yard sales, online product sales from friends & they have set up a go fund me account. I have shared it over & over on my facebook page & will continue to do so. Now I'm asking you, can you help...either financially or through prayer?? Please step up if you believe in adoption, instead of abortion. If you believe God still performs miracles, or God plans a man's steps. If you've ever adopted a child, or are an adopted child, please take a leap of faith & help out however you can. Help them become complete.

Please also let me set this straight. I've been asked & others have to, if Little Girl will be getting any of the money. The answer is a HUGE NO. She isn't asking for any help at all, and she wont. She's trusting God & His promises. So here we go, if you'd like to help here's the link:

http://www.gofundme.com/h6yi20?fb_action_ids=873987902620157&fb_action_types=og.shares&fb_source=other_multiline&action_object_map=%5B269886433135295%5D&action_type_map=%5B%22og.shares%22%5D&action_ref_map=%5B%5D



http://www.gofundme.com/h6yi20?fb_action_ids=873987902620157&fb_action_types=og.shares&fb_source=other_multiline&action_object_map=%5B269886433135295%5D&action_type_map=%5B%22og.shares%22%5D&action_ref_map=%5B%5D


I'm hoping those one of those links work for you. If not I bet you could search for Jaelynn's adoption fund on Gofundme.com.

 

Thanks all.

 

#GodisinEVERYdetail #everydaymiracles #adoption #love #Jesusgirl