Thursday, July 31, 2014

Finding my an unexpected gift.

This week God brought a gift/reward to our family...especially this Nona. You see our "little worship leader" entered this broken world....with her she brought a HUGE heart of HOPE to our family & those He has planned for her to touch with her gifts. Gifts He wrote in His Book of Life before He created the universe....the thought of this puts me in a stand of TOTAL AWE.

Our youngest grandchild, a sweet & precious grand daughter. She was a surprise. When I say surprise, I mean NO ONE was expecting this gift. Let me back up & share the story...if you want you can follow along. ;)

I was taking "little girl" to the dr. because of a urinary issue. While we waited for the dr. they asked for a sample, of course. After seeing the dr. & finding out yes she needed an anti-biotic, we were sent on our way with a prescription. We left & headed out to do the stuff we needed to before heading home, stopping first for a drink from a fast food joint. While we were waiting for our drinks at the drive thru, my phone rings. I answered & the voice on the other side says "is this little girl's mom?" I say "yes ma'am it is" then she says "can I please speak to little girl?" Instantly my mind jumps to the worst case scenario but I hand the phone to "little girl" & continue to drive into the parking lot & towards the street....."there's no way.....that can't be???!!!! NO THIS CAN NOT BE HAPPENING RIGHT NOW, IT MUST BE WRONG!!!!"...................

I knew the answer the moment she said "there's no way" I knew she was pregnant, but my mind was filled with questions...."who?? when??? I thought you & mister were waiting???? Why didn't you tell me???? I thought you & I were past the child/mom only relationship & had moved onto the child/mom/friends who trusted each other & didn't lie to each other relationship....the one I've been waiting for since you were born, the one my mom & I NEVER had....when I finally thought she trusted me & I trusted her enough to speak truth in love to her (not always very gracefully, I admit) & could accept her doing the sameHis truth surrounded by the comfort of His love. As I believe God tells us to do & also the way friends do & not just the same old, "worry about what she thinks about a choice I've made, a mistake....all that goes along with a mom/child relationship in my life. The relationship I've always had with my mom. From the moment I stepped out faithfully & spoke truth to her, God's Truth, several years ago, she didn't & as far as I know, still doesn't agree with my faith. Well she believes in God & that Jesus died for us & I believe she believes in the resurrection?? Her issue is more with the fact that I put God/my faith, above EVERYTHING else. I don't leave God for church, or what I call "magic Jeannie syndrome" (only when you need help or something financial or someone not to die) About a year after that she packed up her house, my nephew & moved about 1000 miles away to be near family. That I understood. The way I found out she was moving, my niece/sister called me late Weds. night & told me "did you know mom's moving to OZ early Friday morning?" I tried to reach her, but could not. So she moved with out telling me she was moving, or even saying "good-bye."

Back to this early afternoon surprise phone call from the dr...I started asking God..."Why???  How God is she gonna do this?????" She was still in the middle of telling the dr. that they were wrong.....I really didn't mean to say it out loud, I thought I was whispering it to God, but I did to my total shock & by the look on her face, little girl was too, that I had figured this out by one sentence??? That look of shock was ALL over her sweet, beautiful face....she said in total amazement, "how did you know that??" My heart both sank & jumped for joy at the same time. I didn't know which emotion to cling to....

Finally she handed me back my phone, I was lost with what to say, but I was going to find out what was she thinking????? As I turned to her to take my phone back, I saw my little girl's eye's welling up with shock/sadness/fear/anger & all of those started to roll down her cheeks. My mama's heart rushed forward, raced ahead of my worldly mama anger, disappointment & every other lie satan was throwing at me. I pulled into a parking space immediately, put the car in park & took my little girl into my arms & we held each other...after a bit I leaned back & said, "well I guess I'm gonna be a Nona again." The next moment, I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach, punched in the face & thrown out of a moving truck...words I just knew would NEVER come out of my daughter's lips rolled off her tongue. "No you're not, I CANT DO THIS!!!!" I looked at her, hoping I was confused, wrong, totally mistaken...but I knew I wasn't, "what do you mean???" She spoke again, "I'm having an abortion. This timing is wrong. Everything is just working out & I'm happy with my life. I just cant....." I didn't let her finish, "NO you aren't!!! You don't even believe in abortion!! You might not be able to do this, but God can..." It went back & forth like that for a few. I just kept telling her the TRUTH, "God doesn't make mistakes & if He's bringing this child here, He has a plan for her!!!!" I could see her just below the surface of this unexpected gift. "I don't know what to do mom, I cant carry a baby for 9 months & then give it up for adoption. I know you did, but I am NOT you mom. I cant do it & I don't want to do it."

We left that parking lot in agreement that she would talk to mister, to see what he thought. You see what I found out in that parking lot was that not only had she lied about her intimate life with mister, but she had also lied about another young man she had broken up with just before mister. So she was worried about who's it was. I prayed intently about this new molding we were about to experience.

Within the next couple days she went back & forth. Then one day she & mister were out back & I brought up the unexpected gift. Immediately little girl speaks up, "I've decided & I'm having an abortion!!!" She spoke with such a grown woman's voice, yet behind the words, I saw my sweet little girl trying to not hurt me. I tried & tried to share the TRUTH that I know. God doesn't make mistakes. He has this child's name in His BOOK of LIFE. He's got a plan already for this little one. "I don't care. STOP PLEASE!!" For days I tried. I tried. I tried. I worried, I cried, I shouted, I threw fits. I BEGGED for prayers.

Then one day, she said "I don't care, I'll be fine. I went for my first appointment already & the appointment is set up for Friday. So STOP Mom!!!"  That moment my heart crashed through my chest & onto the ground....I just sobbed & walked away. I prayed in my room, I cried out to Jesus, I begged Him to please stop this murder.

I got on the phone & text some women I knew had some experience with abortion. Begging them to please pray. Trying to make sure God was giving me the words to share this with these women, without judgment. They each offered to share their experience with her....the first one offered & when I said "yes PLEASE!!!!" She said, "I'm not going to try to changer her mind, I'm going to offer my experience & share things with her that I wish someone would've shared with me. But know that I'm not taking sides & I wont push her to change her mind." I didn't even hesitate, I said "ok I understand." God's peace seemed to surround me & this issue immediately. I felt like He was in control. I just kept praying that little girl could hear Him. That I could hear Him.

My friend showed up to talk with little girl. By the time she got there, my relationship with little girl was on the rocks & ready to blow up. But I took her outside to hang with little girl & mister. I left them to their conversation & went into pray. When she came in, I walked her out & asked her, "what do you think??? Did she change her mind????" She looked me in the eyes & said, "I don't know. It's up to God now. But even if she has an abortion, God is here, He's in this."  I realized then, that is what He wanted, me to know this truth. He never leaves me.....or my little girl. "I know, I know." Then suddenly I realized, I wasn't being honest with why I didn't want her to have an abortion. It wasn't because of what would happen to me, or this unexpected was because I knew that this one act, this one decision, this one appointment would forever ache in my little girls heart. She wasn't created to say no to an unexpected gift from God.....I felt like I had to share this word He had given me. This new light that to me was shining brighter than anything else.

I walked out onto the patio, by this time she barely wanted to be in the same vicinity as I was, so she wasn't looking at me. She was sitting there talking to mister. I sat down & said, "can I tell you something that God just shared with me???" She glared at me, completely dismissing my tender question, "no mom I cant take anymore. please just leave me alone." I just sat there. Eventually I spoke, "little girl, I'm not trying to make you do something you don't want to. I just feel like God shared a word for you with me." she looked at mister & finally said "whatever, go ahead."

"I have never had an abortion. I cant honestly tell you from experience what it feels like, physically or emotionally. But can I ask you a question??" She didn't even look up, "fine mom." So I whispered to my Daddy, please You give me Your words, not mine. I want her to hear You, not me....."When you & my friend talked, she told you she had an abortion??" She said, "yes she did." His words just flowed so perfectly, "and she's raised her children???" Again, "yes mom, so??" I honestly had no idea where this was going, "was she glad she had the abortion, or do you think she had regrets??" By now she was getting angry with me, I could tell, "probably" Then He opened up the door to the real reason He was giving me all these questions...."I have raised my children & I have placed a child for thing I do know, I have NO regrets for EITHER choice. You are a gift from God & whether you believe it or not, I know your heart my sweet little girl. You would never forgive yourself if you end this life....with all the pain that you'd blame yourself for, I'm afraid I'd lose you." She looked at me & when I glanced at mister, he looked up & then looked at her...his eyes filled with concern & love. She spoke up & said, "I wont have any regrets about this, what I am worried about is that our relationship will change." Without even thinking, or a millisecond of hesitation, "I can not lie to you little girl, this choice will forever change our relationship. I don't know how it couldn't, you are making a decision to do something that goes against everything I believe in. I'll always love you, but things just couldn't be the same." Her face said so much more, she got up & started to gather her stuff...mister was doing all he could to help her get inside, "fine mom whatever."

I sat there for a long time, sobbing, yelling at God in my head. I don't know how long I was out there.....finally I wore myself out & went in. The next day, I was on the patio with sweet hubby when they came out. She spoke first, "I told mister that since this would affect his future too, that I wanted him to decide. Either an abortion, or have this baby & raise it, even though it may not be his." I held my breath waiting for the answer....she went on, "he decided that he wants to have the baby. Not give it up for adoption, raise this baby together." Have you ever felt like the weight of the world was lifted off you, well I started to sob & thank Jesus & also told mister thank you soooooo much!!! Mister said, "well I knew that you were very worried about how this would hurt little girl. I love her & I don't want her to hurt. We can do this."

In the months since this decision little girl & mister have been busy building a great family & recently he has gotten a word from God in a dream. Now he is ready to be the man God wants him to be & lead his family to God. This excited me so much. Little girl has struggled through so many health issues, financial issues, faith issues & not to mention our little worship leader has been way too small from the beginning. During the last month of her pregnancy M came out to where we live & we were blessed to get to see her & her wonderful family...along with Special K, her family, M & D & their family. I really wanted little girl to meet M & vice versa. The night was ending as little girl & my princess  arrived. When we were getting ready to leave, I asked if the women would please lay hands on little girls tiny little round belly, of course they all said YES!!! In the middle of M praying, God gave her a word for little girl & her bundle of joy, she asked if she could share, of course we all said PLEASE DO...."God told me that she is going to come out loving Jesus & sharing from a very early age about Jesus...that she is going to worship Jesus from a very young age & be a leader. Also that both little girl & her little worship leader were both going to be physical & one spiritual" I saw little girl's eyes fill with grateful love & spill over onto her cheeks.

After that little girl seemed to have a purpose, live with more intention....So as I sat & held back my mama tears, while my sweet little girl labored. While the nurses argued with her about if she was ready, or if it was just in her mind. She demanded it was less than 30 minutes our little worship leader came floating into the world....she was so very tiny....too tiny. I hear the nurses talking to each other about how they cant get the white stuff off, and that she shouldn't have this much & it shouldn't be this hard to get off, as I watch them scrub my sweet little feather too hard as far as I was concerned...they bet on her weight as I took pic after pic & held her little hand. Finally they had it, her weight was 5 pounds & 7 ounces....she was 18 3/4 inches long.....very tiny.

Then after a couple days in the hospital they came home. Little girl tells me that the dr who delivered our sweet girl told her "they must have gotten the date wrong at the first drs office, she didn't think that this sweet little feather was over 37 weeks old...which means mister is biologically her daddy!!!"  I just had/have one belief in this, God wanted to reach mister & little girl, He wanted them to realize it's their choice to have a relationship with Him, He's always there but they must choose it. When they chose Him, He rewarded them with an unexpected gift.....our little worship leader, little feather....

Say hello to the newest gift in my life......little feather, the worship/leader.

Oh & I found another be still & love.