Saturday, December 27, 2014

Life with Nona: How long will it take for this to become a habit??...

Life with Nona: How long will it take for this to become a habit??...: While I was washing the dishes, the ones from Christmas dinner, I was upset & telling myself how I was gonna let my Sweet Hubby have it....

How long will it take for this to become a habit???

While I was washing the dishes, the ones from Christmas dinner, I was upset & telling myself how I was gonna let my Sweet Hubby have it. After all he was the one who said "don't worry about the dishes, I'll do them...thanks for dinner it was really good." But here it is...not the day after Christmas, but the second day after Christmas & the dishes from all 3 days are here. There are definitely not a bunch of dishes, mostly pans that were rinsed...but it's the fact that he didn't do what he said he was going to...even after a hint last night from me, a hint he took & told Jr "we are gonna clean up around here tomorrow..." He started to pick up & then just stopped after stacking my sales ads on the couch next to where I sit??? Then he sat down & 10 mins later got up told me "I'm gonna go lay down, I'm so tired." & walked into our room laid down & went to sleep. I was getting worship music on a Bluetooth speaker Sr let us use on Christmas, so we could enjoy our cleaning with some amazing music...but before I could figure it out, he went to bed. So, I decide to just get it done while he was sleeping. I cranked up the tunes & started cleaning. I clean with no plan, if I pick something up & have to take it somewhere else, I will try to pick something up to bring back where it goes...why waste a trip when I'm doing something that I hate doing right?? The music is what makes this bearable for me. As I was switching between singing & complaining, I was telling myself what I was gonna say to the one God created for me. I was seething & it was building...then I heard the interruption I recognize is my Daddy..."Is that gonna show him the love I show you? Will this make him want to be around you?? You keep asking Me to make you more like me...then complaining when I do it." Which I start to instantly defend, but in His gentle whisper He reminds me,

For even the Son of God didn't come to be served, but to serve, & to give His life as a ransom for many.                          
                                                                                   Mark 10:45 NIV

Man, that got right to me, right to the spot He's working on still in this woman. Yes, I can not say anything, I can just leave it alone. I can just let the guilt trips I learned from birth to take others on, go. Just love. Just be glad & thankful that the one God created just for me, is here with me...that I can hug him, laugh with him, cry in his arms & sleep next to him at night...I can appreciate that he is God's & love him like Christ...unconditionally.

Then I hear my Daddy say, "all I ask is that if you're going to serve me, do it joyfully not with a heart of frustration, but because you want to serve where I ask you to."..."but dishes & cleaning are the worst" I complain again." I don't want to do it, I'm not like other women, I don't want to clean, or like to clean" Then I'm reminded of these...

Serve the Lord with gladness! Come into His presence with singing!
                                                                                                Psalm 100:2 ESV

Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters,
                                                                       Colossians 3:23 NIV

Do everything without grumbling or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, "children of God..."
                                                                                                  Philippians 2:14-15a NIV

I now realize that I'm not just serving my Sweet Hubby & sons, I'm serving my Lord, the One Who came into the world, not in the manner He could have come, as the LORD of LORDS & KING OF as a human baby. The most humbling form. He came to die, He came only to live blameless so He could take my sins, my brokenness & my selfishness...and climb on the cross & give His life, so I could have the choice to accept His gift. A FREE gift for me...all I have to do is say yes.

In saying yes, I don't have to do anything more...I'm redeemed simply for the asking. I'm grateful that He doesn't leave me there, if I say yes...He will keep asking me for more, to give me more. He loves me & as I learn just how much He really loves me, already, without doing anything...I start to want to be more like Him. I want to love unconditionally...I want to give & help the broken, I want to let His light shine in & through me...this is just one more way to let go of the worldly, fleshy, broken part of me & allow Him to mold it into His image...LOVE.

So here I sit, laptop in hand, a little more like my Savior, only by His grace & mercy...telling you one more of my flaws...sharing one more way He is making my reflection match His.

In doing this blog, I checked out how long it takes an action, or behavior to become a habit...the first several said, "21 days" but when I looked a little deeper, I found a study that said "after they did a study for 84 days, the average person developed a habit in approximately 66 days..." I'm praying a new prayer now...that Daddy God will help me make cleaning, dishes & serving others a supernatural habit!!!

Merry Christmas & Happy New Year from Nona's house to yours......


Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Deeper & Deeper He's taking me...

Sometimes I feel like God takes me one step forward, then I let go of His hand & think I can take the next ones myself...Yep I'm a serial stepper. I beg Him to cleanse my heart, I beg Him to make me more like Him, I beg Him to break my heart for what breaks His...then I sit back & wait for the blessings to start falling...when they don't I take several steps back...& complain.

Hmmmm am I listening to what I'm asking Him for?? No begging Him for??? I'm not asking Him how to grow a garden, or bake a meringue. I am asking Him to show me what hurts Him about who I am...where I let my flesh hide...but remember He tells us...

Who can hide in secret places so that I cannot see them?” declares the Lord. “Do not I fill heaven and earth?” declares the Lord.                                    Jeremiah 23:24

I've learned in the last several years that Christianity is nothing like what I learned it was growing up. I always believed that I had to always be good...that I had to beg over & over for forgiveness for the sins I had committed. I'm in no way always good, in fact the truth is, I can't be good enough to be forgiven...there's only one way... to pull the flesh parts of me out of the dark hiding place & hand it over...or hold onto it & struggle out of His Will.

 He always gives us the freedom to choose...He doesn't pout & complain. He knows the plan, He is in control...even when I'm trying to hold the reins. I am actually starting to truly recognize when I step back...sometimes I don't take too many steps back, still many times I'm having to run to catch up. I think I have finally figured out that He will always wait with me & carry me to the catch up line...He's that kind of Daddy.

The kind of Daddy that doesn't count the number of steps I take backwards...He is only  taking me where I follow Him. I've learned that this is the very real life definition of follow without asking where, why, or how...just taking each step He lights...when He lights it.

Sometimes it's hard to trust. This world is broken & filled with broken people & I've been hurt by more than a couple of people in my almost half a century here in this world...& I've hurt more than a couple I'm not proud to say. This isn't anything like trying to trust in this world....I'm learning that trusting God is something completely different...He is the ONLY one we should trust without borders, or boundaries....just give Him complete & unquestionable TRUST. Peter had that kind of TRUST when he stepped out of that boat...

 “Come,” he said.
Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. 30 But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”
                                                                                          Matthew 14:29-30

We can trust Him with complete hearts, minds & bodies because He will NEVER fail us...He will NEVER change...we may change, we may run away instead of towards Him, we may sin...but when we fall, our Daddy God's hand is right there, waiting for us to take it. We only have to reach up in faith & TRUST His hand to be there to pull us out of our pit.

God has pulled this Nona out of some deep, deep pits & I am truly grateful for His faithfulness. Because of His faithfulness I'm learning to know that I can ALWAYS TRUST Him..this makes me want to make Him happy. I have a desire to be more like Him, I want everyone I see to see Him shining brightly in me. I want to be trustworthy & loving & kind. It seems like this is easier sometimes than others...especially when I take my focus off Him & onto struggles in this world. From financial to children's choices, I can lose my focus.

I tell myself every time "look what is taking your peace, blah blah blah"....but when I open myself back up, I realize that's the real issue isn't ANYONE else, it's my heart issue. Then it's like BOOOOM...He trims a little more off & I don't even feel the pain of the loss of more of my worldly flesh...instead I'm thrust into a peace like no other, there's no explaining have to allow yourself to be immersed into this peace. Just allow it to envelope you & become part of your DNA...then if you can just keep the focus.

In these times whether it's a dark, painful place, or a brightly lit exciting & new place, if we can remember that He is our hope, in Him is our hope...we will have peace in His hope.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.             Romans 15:13

Friday, November 28, 2014

Ouch that hurt!!!

                                 When pride comes, then comes disgrace,
                            but with humility comes wisdom.
                                    Proverbs 11:2 (NIV)
I opened up the message & started reading...the more I read, the higher I could feel my anger rising. The tears of hurt, stabbing pain of someone I loved like a sister tossing knives & hitting me in the heart. With each sentence I built up an answer, oh boy was she gonna get an answer. I knew her deepest darkest secrets, too. Since I was on my phone, I'd have to work to show her how it took me forever to type out those words. I wasn't even going to proof read it, just send it to her. Then I heard the now recognizable sound of my Sweet Daddy's whisper..."you can send that & get all that anger out at her & make her feel just like you do know...or you can not. you can delete those words"
What??? But she hurt me...ssshhh...but who is she to judge...sshh...then the understanding came. She was holding up a mirror to me & describing what she was seeing, in her words. I knew that most of what she was saying was right on, it was just wrapped in such dirty, cruel words it hurt too bad to look at the truth. When I read her words again, I saw what He was trying to show me...things that were keeping me standing still in one place. He was trying to answer so many prayers from me & anyone who had lifted up my prayer requests. It just came a little different than I would've desired...He was showing me what was anchoring me to this path, the one He was leading me down, until I just stopped at a comfy rest area. The path I have been on now for what seems like forever.
"Dear Friend felt this way." Those words brought the light rushing in to this dark I didn't understand was hidden so deep in my heart, it was completely integrated into who I was. You see a few years back I had this wonderful, sweet, kind & loving friend, she was more than a friend to me...she was my Dear Friend. We couldn't be more opposite, but yet a connection unlike any I had experienced...God was the reason for the difference. We shared things, good & bad, we were walking through...which was good, for a while.
At the time we were not new Christians, but I know I wasn't as mature as I thought. I was starting to hear my Daddy's sweet whispers...I was pretty deaf at first, still not a pro. I heard what I thought would help her with some of her I would just start tossing the "wisdom" at her. When she didn't see what I did, or understand what I was saying, I would get frustrated & my "help" started being wrapped in anger, frustration, even cruelty. 
 Eventually, I started noticing that she wasn't answering my calls, she didn't text back...I didn't understand. I developed a callous where she was concerned. We set up a meeting at a park. I prayed that God would show me what His plan was. This was my heart set when I headed to that park..."if she doesn't forgive me then we aren't gonna be friends anymore." We sat down, I took banana chips with me to keep me from talking. We both ended up eating those chips...but when she finally spilled her broken heart out on the heart broke. My Dear Friend just couldn't handle me always telling her what to do. She didn't want my advice, what I meant for helping...because of the way I wrapped it in put downs, or stabbing knives..."Yes now you have it, this is how you made her feel...over & over." Wow, that lit up this dark little corner where I had laid the leftover pieces of our broken friendship. I saw exactly what I had done, I saw my own broken heart & understood hers...
I just sobbed...prayed...and sobbed more. I shared with my family what I had learned. They didn't get it, that was ok, I did. So within a few days of this my Sweet Daddy placed this Dear Friend in the same aisle, the same store at the same time, as me & Sr. I felt this rush of love come over me, a peaceful rush. I told her I wanted to have coffee soon...she said yes let's do. But He wasn't gonna leave it at that again..."let her know you finally understand" when I leaned in for a hug before walking away, I whispered, "I finally understand...I am so very sorry. I would love to get to share with you what I've learned." When I pulled away she looked in my eyes, which were filling & overflowing with tears of relief..."oh my friend, yes it's been way too long!!"
I walked away believing that I wouldn't hear from her. But the next night God blessed my family with a last minute worship concert & as we were being herded through with the crowd, I heard "my last name" being shouted, I turned to see my Dear Friend & her sweet family..."hi how are you!!! Wow this is a God thing huh!!" It truly was, the worship concert was Winterjam 2014...there were thousands of people. Even others that we knew were there, we never saw them...but when my Sweet Daddy is leading the way, ANYTHING is possible. She asked if we wanted to hang together, of course I said yes!!! It was an amazing Spirit filled concert, He shows up always. She had 4 teens, or close enough, with her so she was busy. But it was wonderful to get to stand next to my Dear Friend.
We have since met for coffee & pie, we spent 5 1/2 hours, laughing, crying, but most importantly, I was able to accept responsibility for the pain I caused my Dear Friend. I have also been in much prayer for the eyes & heart to recognize that I wasn't created to live her I have to stop trying to tell her how. I need to be here for her, whether it's a shoulder to cry on, a laugh for a joke, or a hug of peace. She will tell me what she needs, He will listen as I pray for her...He after all is her Creator...I am her friend.
Oh by the way, I deleted all those hurtful words & just said, "I'm sorry you feel that way..."
 Those who guard their lips preserve their lives,
    but those who speak rashly will come to ruin.
Proverbs 13:3


Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Life with Nona: ...are you the difference maker??

Life with Nona: ...are you the difference maker??: ...We are all transgressors, we're all sinners, we're all astronauts So if you're beating death then raise your hand but shut u...

...are you the difference maker??

...We are all transgressors, we're all sinners, we're all astronauts
So if you're beating death then raise your hand but shut up if you're not

'Cause I am the difference maker
Oh, I am the only one that speaks to him
And I am the friendliest of friends of God...
These are some of the words to a song called "I am a difference maker" by Need To Breathe. There is the whole song. I shared my favorite youtube version of it at the bottom of the page.
I'm a dvr watcher. I rarely watch live tv. If I am it's usually something my Sweet Hubby is watching, or one of the kids. I don't like commercials, especially during the seasons of political bashing. On the rare occasion that I catch the news, I'm usually overwhelmed by all the evil in the world today. Some of the things I hear chill me to my bone. I couldn't imagine being a keeper of the laws these days. I believe that God makes us each unique, but He also creates us for His purpose, to bring Him glory. In doing that He equips us with certain gifts to help us. He creates us to have a heart for things that let us feel His Presence & give us the sense of joy when we follow our calling...of course keeping Him the center of our lives is a big part of keeping to His path.
This all said because it seems to me that the news people want to keep the drama up, so they sensationalize certain bad, or certain good. I'm not naïve, I know it makes money...but doesn't that sentence make anyone else cringe?? I struggle with all the negative. It causes my anxiety to flare up...I struggle with a very real enemy. Panic & Anxiety disorder. 
God gifted me with discernment. A wonderful gift, when you learn that it's for Him. Others are gifted with different gifts, healing, teaching, protecting, serving...many more. I couldn't possibly list each, because I couldn't possibly know them all. But one thing I believe is this that God needs us all for unique paths, and He has a path for each of us. We have to choose it, but it's right here...right here.
When we make the choice to feed our flesh, to give into the flesh's desires, we aren't choosing that path. Our choices don't only affect our lives...there are many others God blessed us with that will be affected by our choices. Even the ones that are just passing by. God gives us the freedom of choice, but we can not be excused from the consequences those choices create. How would any one learn from the bad choices, or the good ones with out reward, or consequence?
I don't claim to know much about what happened with this officer who was not charged. I have only heard what broke in during a recording of a couple of my shows. The pictures they showed about what is happening because people "don't agree with the decision" shocked & disgusted anxiety came flaming up. What?? Really??? What kind of excuse is this to burn, steal, ruin business that had NOTHING to do with this decision??? This is deplorable behavior, unacceptable, NO EXCUSE.
The news channels are running these pictures & stories constantly...sensationalizing the divide in the colors of skin...I don't believe that this should be called "racism," my belief is Genesis 1:27 it says this...
So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.
I don't see anywhere in there where it says God created black, white, etc...It only says He created them in His image, men & women. So this divide between the different amounts of pigment we have in our skin, it's not racism. It's HATE plain & simple. It's from our enemy, satan. We're allowing this liar to play puppet master every time we perpetuate the lie that there is more than one race, the HUMAN RACE.
Now please don't think me naïve. I know that ignorance does exist in this world. I know that people hurt other people. There is evil in this world because satan is prince in this world. People have a choice to choose how they are going to live while they're in this world. My belief is I as Christ's chosen daughter, perpetuating the HATE being created?? or am I giving God my life & showing His LOVE, His mercy & Who is the ruler of my life?? My desire is that when others look at me, or my life, no matter when, where, or which part of me, they see the same thing, GOD. I don't think that people's hearts are to hurt anyone, or help the enemy dig the lines deeper between God's children, or even the non believers. 
 Most have been touched by the pain of loss at some point in their lives. And I know that some people's choices are not right. So what I go back to when I know either of these things, is prayer. 
God wants us to get on our knees & ask Him those hard questions. He wants us to go to Him, not listen to the lies of the enemy that the world & it's ways want to spoon feed us. If we let these beliefs get integrated into our hearts, we are allowing the enemy an in. We are choosing to give him a place to sit in our hearts.
What do I think will change this line between people who have more, or less pigment...getting into & REALLY living God's word. We cant claim to be doing these things unless when we read His Scriptures, we let Him shape these parts of us to be like Him, able to live the words. If every one who loves God really lived His word, we wouldn't live as if there is anyone who is not equal to the other. 

There are enough of us that LOVE God, that we could live like there is ONLY one race, the HUMAN RACE & I know that we could be difference makers...people are looking everywhere for that feeling, the peace that transcends all human understanding, I am, aren't you? What if we showed them where we found it?? Who we found it in?? How we have allowing God to be our center & learning from the molding He does. Let those who desire to, see Him in us. That means not being fake, not stressing over things, allowing them to see all our chaos & why we have peace. That we stumble & trip up, we are no more perfect than anyone else. We just choose to be shaped during the disasters & pain. We have to love, really love, even when we are at our worst...or when others are at theirs. In all of this we have to continue to choose God's truth over satan's lies.
Sorry I this subject was very touchy & I'm not really a very "politically correct" kind of woman. I more of a daughter of Christ kind.
Please join me in praying for all who are experiencing the pain of loss tonight, and every night. Whether it was sickness, accident, murder, or self's loss to those who loved them & it hurts. Let's lift up those involved in any of the schemes that satan is using to keep us distracted, while he tries to integrate his HATE into our hearts.
Thanks all for reading. Please feel free to share any thoughts or comments. Please enjoy this song, I'm just linking it from Youtube, I love this video.


Saturday, November 22, 2014

Every day is something to celebrate...

Today is "National Adoption Day." Some of you may have never had a reason to celebrate such a day. Today is a very special day to me...I am a birth mom & birth Nona. In my family adoption is celebrated. It hasn't always been like that. The first time I learned anything about adoption was in 1984 when my mom adopted my only sister's first child & suddenly I had another sister...of course I was 18, so it wasn't really like having another sister. There was much bitterness, worry, fear, etc... But she was a very sick baby & so sweet. I felt led to place a child, a son, when I had already had 2 of my children, I had Sr. (my oldest son) & Little Girl (my youngest daughter.) That decision I have never regretted. I know God's plan was for me to carry this baby boy, then the wonderful family He had chosen on the other side of the USA would raise him. He was created just for them & because of this, I've never felt a pang of "what if??" When God's plan comes together the way He creates it, it just creates a peace beyond all understanding.

Now I've seen adoption from another side. I have someone I love that was unable to follow through with placing the child with a family that was so excited for the child they knew they were being blessed with...when she backed out they cried & lashed out. The sad thing was they were right about what they said. In that situation the child ended up becoming my brother when I was almost 40. I see the struggles in this choice. It's not covered in the unexplainable peace that I know. All involved have been hurt, including the child. Another family member that I grew up with, in fact I went to my first bar with her...I was 13, she was 16. Of course there are many other things I remember about growing up so close too. Things that aren't bad choices, but good ones. I know when my only bio sibling, my sis' shot herself, it was her & her mom, my favorite aunt, that listened to me cry & cried with me. The amazing thing is, she also adopted one of my nieces, I had 2 nieces. My cousin found out she was adopted by the father she thought was her bio dad when she was in her 20-30's. She never knew she wasn't his, until someone decided to spill the beans. She struggled with that for many years in many damaging ways. I believe to this day, it still causes her to backslide.

For everyone of the bad stories, there are probably a whole lot more good stories. Like mine. I believe with every part of me that the difference is in the reason for the choice. I wasn't a Christian when I placed him with his parents. I believed in God, but it was in a legalistic way, a religious wrathful, angry God. My adoption moment is filled with joy, love & peace. I chose to believe God when He said, "This one is for a mom that I have chosen. I have chosen you to be the vessel to bring him into her arms." I can look back now, over 21 years later, and see how He orchestrated every fit my tiny bit of understanding. Back then I heard God, but didn't know it was Him, I realize this now. If I would've kept him & did it my own way, God's plan wouldn't have been fulfilled. Lives would be drastically different. I have talked with him in the past, the other mom's son, God clearly has shown me that he was NEVER mine, never intended for me, with details that I understand. He asked me if I "ever regretted giving him up for adoption?" I was totally honest with him, I told him "no, I've never regretted placing you in your mom's arms. She is your mom, God created you for her, I was just a vessel. I was blessed to be the one to carry you for your mom & dad." I hope with all my heart that I didn't hurt his feelings with that truth.

I shared a post recently called "Dear Little Feather..." I did my best to share that my daughter has been asked by God to be a birth mom. She struggled with believing she was strong enough, then she allowed God to be her strength & found that unexplainable peace. I am in awe of her faith. She is doing wonderfully & has had to cry with Nona a few times, but not because she's hurting because I am shedding a few tears at the loss of a sweet little feather. She reminds me that "God's in this..." I wipe my eyes & smile at the thought of how happy & giggly that sweet little feather is in the pictures & videos her mom & dad have been sharing. Back into His immense ocean of peace I go...knowing she is with her mom & dad & brother, the family God created her for.

So, today I share all of this chaos, to also share a request, a special request from this Nona, for her little feather. When Little Girl decided to listen & say yes when she finally heard our Lord's plan, it was a very unexpected surprise for little feather's family. They weren't expecting all the costs of adoption. I have no idea what they all are, but I know there are lawyers, court costs & other adoption expenses. They have been working on many different ways of earning the money for it like yard sales, online product sales from friends & they have set up a go fund me account. I have shared it over & over on my facebook page & will continue to do so. Now I'm asking you, can you help...either financially or through prayer?? Please step up if you believe in adoption, instead of abortion. If you believe God still performs miracles, or God plans a man's steps. If you've ever adopted a child, or are an adopted child, please take a leap of faith & help out however you can. Help them become complete.

Please also let me set this straight. I've been asked & others have to, if Little Girl will be getting any of the money. The answer is a HUGE NO. She isn't asking for any help at all, and she wont. She's trusting God & His promises. So here we go, if you'd like to help here's the link:

I'm hoping those one of those links work for you. If not I bet you could search for Jaelynn's adoption fund on

Thanks all.
#GodisinEVERYdetail #everydaymiracles #adoption #love #Jesusgirl

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Dear Little Feather...

Tonight I'm finally giving into His calling & sharing a testimony that some of you may know...but many of you do not. Let me preface this by saying, I truly found out who my real friends were when God asked my little girl to do something totally against what those in the world understand. I have lost some, but kept so many others & they are worth all the loss!!!

I don't know if many of you knew that I had placed a child for adoption with a wonderful couple, at the time I didn't know it, but it was definitely a God choice. He placed them in my path at the perfect time knowing that His plan would be fulfilled for us all. I was pressured to have an abortion by someone that I looked to for good choices. She at the time thought that would be better than me trying to raise another child, or her not getting to see her grandbaby. But I held up strong against her, one of the few times I ever did, until much later in my walk with God. I knew from my first trimester that this child wasn't mine, that God created him for a specific set of parents. Not in those terms back then I truly believed in God, but more like religious than relationship. I remember the feeling of love that she just couldn't seem to give me enough of...that's when I realized that she was really grateful to me??? I was grateful for them, they were going to raise this little guy, I had done my part. When she brought him up to see me before she took him from the hospital....I received the biggest gift...I saw a proud mama, big brother & their little one...she loved him so and it was very obvious. Thank You Lord for blessing me with the task of being a birthmom, it's something I'll never regret.

I shared a small piece of my testimony so that you might understand this testimony. A while back I shared that my little girl was making a huge decision & she felt it was definitely God asking her to make it. I also shared back last year that God had allowed her to have to be accountable for her actions. That's the nice way of saying she got pregnant. I shared the shock we were in, including my little girl. I believe I also shared that she was at first strongly considering, then probably & finally definitely gonna have an abortion. During this time, many amazing sisters in Christ stood up & said I will do this, I will raise this gift from God. One stood out, I knew her in an acquaintance way, but always felt such a gentle spirit around her. She was genuine, she shared her story & offered to love our little gift forever. But little girl said, "NO I'm not you mom, I cant carry a baby full term then give it away!!!! I am not that strong!!!"  All the drama & truth that came out of that whole situation...Praise & Glory to God for He has perfect timing & the volume goes up perfectly, she chose to carry & parent the child. I'm not sure if I shared with you my feelings about that choice or not.

God has made it pretty apparent to me that one of the main gifts He chose to bless me with is discernment. I've had it all my life & up until I started learning about Christianity, I just called it a 6th sense. As I've gotten closer & closer I've learned to hear Him much sooner than before. I recognize it's Him almost instantly now...the only thing is, that seems to be for other people, not myself?? Anyways, she shared that she & mister were gonna raise all their children together...I breathed a sigh of relief. But almost immediately I heard Him saying "I have created this little one for someone in particular...she's not yours"  So during the pregnancy, they were all in the frame of mind that this new little feather would be the baby of their family. I still heard His whisper..."she's meant for a family I am preparing."

I never felt like this was a punishment, in fact just the opposite. The hardest part was letting Him lay the path & let Him whisper to little girl & mister...I am a mother!!! I wanted her to hear Him, I wanted her to get prepared...I wanted her not to be hurt. I couldn't stop her, I was doing my best to let Him have control.

Then Little Feather arrived & living arrangements were changed around. They all stayed at mister's family home for a couple weeks after she was born. Little Princess was struggling to get her mama's attention...they finally moved back home. With Princess I helped by feeding & changing her when asked...but with Little Feather, I felt no need to help more that absolutely necessary. Not that I didn't enjoy talking to her, holding her, singing etc...I just let little girl have the parenthood she wanted.

Things were hard, she was exhausted & crabby. But I could feel the reigns pulling me back, I helped her more with little princess than I did with Little Feather. One evening we had a meltdown...she was worn out, the baby was fussy, little princess wouldn't stop running around. I lost it with her for yelling at little princess...she lost it with me, I instantly lost the Christ I so strive to be more like & screamed "this is why I wanted you to choose adoption!!! Now she is here it's too late you're attached to her!!!" I hope I apologized for that, if I didn't, I am truly sorry little girl!!!

I didn't know that she was talking to a beautiful sister in Christ about possibly adopting Little feather...until the sweet mama to be messaged me to tell me that little girl had been talking about her family adopting Little Feather. I was in shock, I prayed it wasn't because of what I'd screamed at her in one of my weakest moments. I told mama to be that I would stand beside what ever little girl decided to do. All I wanted her to do was follow what God wanted her to do. Later that afternoon I was sitting outside with Little Girl & I finally just shared the message I had little girl looked down as if in shame & said "I didn't know how to tell you mom. after you said it was too late to place her, I thought it would kill you!!!" She looked up at me with tears in her eyes!! My heart ached for her, my little girl was going through all this alone, because she didn't want to disappoint me???

I told her I was happy, I truly loved mama to be & knew she would be a great mom!! That night & each night after I have prayed for this child...that she would go to the family that God created her for specifically. One night God placed the name Gentle Spirit on my heart & her story..."WHAT Lord????? What are you saying??? My sweet friend, mama to be is already talking to little girl about adopting???? NO she can NOT be hurt!!!" But He insisted this name was the one. I decided to follow His guidance & so I text little girl. I told her I knew that mama to be was going to adopt Little feather, but if anything went wrong, there was this Gentle Spirit & her message. I got a text right back that something had interrupted the decision to adopt Little feather. So mama to be & her family wouldn't be taking the little is all I can say.

Little girl sent a message with the whole story to Gentle Spirit, asking her if they would be willing to raise Little feather. I don't know the whole story there, but I know that God has made this whole plan fit perfectly together...Little Feather is with the mama & daddy she was created for & God's peace is an ocean around our house. The best part of this is knowing  & really seeing the peace Little Girl has about this decision...I told her the other night when we were enjoying the beauty of fall nights in the southwest..."you told me you weren't as strong as me. But God asked you to walk a harder path than mine...He had you see what His plan was....He made you more like Him!!"

Little Feather was almost 3 months old when she joined her forever family...yes the world tells us we should hide, or be ashamed....but God tells us "good job chosen one."

                  I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him.
                                                                1 Samuel 1:27
                        Little Girl taking Little Feather out to hand her to her mommy, Gentle Spirit
This brought tears to my eyes....God's plan coming to woman asked to carry this gift for another woman
Mommy & daughter finally united
Grateful for her family who also knows this is God's plan

Sunday, October 19, 2014

for you my sweet little girl...

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.
                                                                                    Jeremiah 29:11-13 (NIV)

Dear Daughter,

Today, you showed me what "complete faithfulness" looks like. I am so overwhelmed with emotion & you are continuing to lay back in the comfort & peace that is our Daddy God. I can not begin to tell you how strong you are. Thank you for sharing this wonderful experience with me & allowing me to watch the amazingly, beautiful & perfect plans He has for completely into a future filled with hope!!!

Way back when this whole journey started, in the car after the dr's appt, you opened up & showed me your vulnerable side. You struggled against the enemy & ways of the world, & almost gave in....but Daddy God had a bigger plan. I'm grateful for your faith...I think with out it the world would have missed out on this amazing testimony & the wonderful testimony of the next generation. I know that would've been a huge loss.

I've been in the bubble of peace & joy with you today. I know this is not a temporary bubble, this is the one that God promised you....when He whispered His plan quietly into your ear. His timing is perfect as always. Let me tell you that I'm here...I'm praying for you & I love you truly, with a deep heart love. I will be here always.

Tonight as I lay down, after sharing the emotions, the joy & the excitement of this day...I will whisper to our Daddy God a prayer of thanksgiving for a daughter who inspired me & showed me what becoming Christlike is. I will pray that He continues to protect & speak truth into your sweet, loving heart. I will also be asking that He deafen your ears to the hurtful things those who don't understand will be saying.

                                                    A proud mom...& friend.

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

I see the mirror's reflection now....

I can't even imagine how God can continually look through His "Daddy eyes" at each of us. I have 4 children & 5 grandchildren & I can honestly say most of the time....I'm squinting through my "mama eyes" at them & their choices. I'm learning, very slowly since I can tend to be stubborn & a know it all, that children grow up...they mirror what they see...from a very early age. Now I know this isn't news to most of us...but I am amazed daily by choices made???

Lately God is doing exactly as I keep begging Him to do. My prayers & conversations with my Daddy lately have included a whole lot of me asking Him to cleanse my heart, send me & break my heart for what breaks His. This last one, I'm learning, is the subject of this post...I love it when He gives me the "ahhhaaa" moment during the writing of the actual post, He has perfect timing. Back to the requests I have been making on a daily basis, most of the time many times a day!! Asking...NO begging my Daddy to make me more like only desire is to be completely & openly obedient to my Creator, so others will see His heart for them through me & my life....WHO I am, ALWAYS bringing Him glory. Whether it is through accepting accountability when I am, or the tiniest detail in the biggest choices of my life. I want EVERY part of who I am & how I live to point to my Daddy God.

Through living my life I learned so many things. Some good, others not so much, but ALL were necessary to make me who I am today. To bring me to this point in my walk with my Daddy. A point that has taken many steps along a broken path. Broken by my choices, my plans, my emotional making & trying to live out my plans with a deceitful human heart. Wow talk about losing because of my choices. My children have been with me for 29+ years of my path. They've had to suffer the consequences of too many of my plans & choices, through no fault of their own. They enjoyed the blessings of when I've chosen to listen to my Daddy's plans & obey them.

So, when they start making choices of their own imagine my surprise when they made the same choices I did??? They lived through the pain, struggle, loss & brokenness that came with my choices because they were children & had to...but when given the chance to make their own choices they mirror mine??? Mine, the choices & plans that caused not only me pain & suffering, but them as well....huh??? Don't they remember?? I do, I remember!!!

The mama in me wants to save them from the same pain & struggle, so I try to tell them what to do, or not do. But, they are strong minded, a mirror of me. So I will try to remind them of my struggle & pain in a similar choice....of course the mama in me wants them to not remember it was my choice I'm speaking of so I leave out some parts of the struggles & pain. Eventually I will expose the whole truth & then give them the apology I owe them. They are ALL always so good to me about it & I know this is God in them, a mirror of me...sorry this truth has brought tears to these old "mama eyes" at the moment I'm trying to type through water goggles...

Thank You Daddy for Your Amazing Grace for this daughter!!!

Once again His timing is perfect. Just as I was gonna lose focus & allow lies from the enemy to cloud His message, He shows me Whose message this is....HIS & shocks me back to the truth that I will always be a mirror to my children & grandchildren. Whether I'm making choices that shine His glory now or choices that will eventually shine His glory, I'm a mirror.  I can choose to mirror the world's choices, or I can choose to mirror His choices. But whatever I choose will be mirrored to those around me.

So with my "mama eye's" I can see where some of their choices will take them before they make them. Most of the time it's because I've already made the same choice & seen what that path looked like for me. I can look back & see where my Daddy was trying to guide me & lead me away from the wrong choices. I can now relate to how He felt each time I made a choice with my naïve human heart & chose to ignore His guidance. How I will finally just listen to His whispers to step back & let Him have them. BOOM there it is!!!

He shared it with me at that moment...I cant expect my children to learn to listen to Him & trust it's Him, if I'm not. Because they are still mirroring me. I'm still trying to have control...I should be pointing them to God continually. They should be directed to Him by my choices, my actions, who I mirror. They should be mirroring Him, listening to Him, following His His mirror to their children.

My prayer for my children is that they will see God in me, all around me & my life. I pray I am a faithful mirror of obedience to my Daddy, for every one I ever see....especially my children & grandchildren. Thank you for taking the time to read this post. Please feel free to read through my past posts & share anything that God puts on your heart!!!

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

On your face, not your knees....doing life with my little girl

This is just gonna be a quick post...or that's what I think?? We will see what our Lord has in store. I was looking for a verse this morning. I have NO idea what verse, I only know I'm searching for it. I am a procrastinator when it comes to something that is work to me, but when I'm doing something I love to do...well let's just say if you look up the phrase OCD, it would have the definition with my picture. I recognize this is a struggle for me. I also recognize this is a piece of me that God warms regularly to make me rely on Him. I believe that He will, in His perfect time, burn away all the worldliness & I will have peace in this area of me.

Back to today, I was searching for a verse. I still haven't found it. But I trust my Daddy & I know that He will give it to me. For now I will simply share the feelings in this current valley. Mixed.....and there it is, the verse. Let me get that before I forget...

                   9 “The heart is deceitful above all things,
                                                           And desperately wicked;
                                                                                          Who can know it?
                                                                                                               Jeremiah 17:9 (NKJV)
This is the verse He just whispered in my ear as I started the sentence about my "Mixed feelings." My heart is tugging me one way & my soul a completely different way....His way, the right way. That's what my mind defines as mixed feelings. The world will judge the choice my child is considering, finding a much needed peace in. They will say things that will make my heart leap at them with every bit of my mama instincts....instincts modeled after His when melded down to the purest form. Instincts to protect my child. You see she's at a Y in her path. She can choose the path that will be hard on her but God's will, or she can choose to follow her heart....her human flesh heart. She seems to have found peace in a path that is NOT taken by MANY at all...not voluntarily anyways.
The moment she shared her choice with me, I have to say I was a little surprised, but I had the peace she had...not her peace, but a peace from my Savior all my own. I completely felt like this is the right choice...God's plan. I did the usual human questioning that will ultimately be a part of her future...this future. She just explained that it is strange but she finally has some peace. The peace she was chasing for so long actually. She didn't choose to follow the deceitful heart, the heart of flesh & this world, she's choosing to follow His Truth, His plan & do what He's asking her to do.
I will get back on here soon & share the whole amazing testimony, but right now I just found out sweet hubby was laid off of his temporary job I need to get to filing his unemployment...thank You Jesus for always taking care of us!!!


Monday, September 1, 2014

What is "ALL in" to you??

So, my Daddy's been working on giving this message to me, to share with you. The message has been shared bit by bit, piece by piece until the wonderful night, tonight, that He is sharing the final part that will of course bring it all together for me....and I hope y'all too. My Daddy loves me so much & He doesn't want me to doubt that one bit. I am His beloved daughter & I could never do anything to make Him stop loving me...but that's not like people. People will stop loving you if you step over that one boundary. The one that makes them take a step back. I've experienced this on many occasions in my life, both before I began walking in a relationship with Christ & after. We are ALL people.

At first I would do anything I could to try to get them back. I couldn't take it if someone didn't like me. I can't remember a time when I was growing up that I wasn't trying to get my moms approval, or a friends, or even a boys. I just knew it would make me whole. I looked at all the cool kids & wished I fit in...I didn't. Throughout my 20's & 30's I did the same thing. I just never found where I fit in. Then God brought us Sweet hubby & finally I knew He created him just for me. I never did however stop being a people pleaser, this started a habit of me taking in strays. Both people & animals. Before long we lost everything, we hit bottom & found Daddy at the bottom at our first church. The more we went to church & learned about Christ & walking with Him, the more I wanted to know. I was filled with questions. When I believe, I believe there is no doubt. I still struggled with people who had known me before I found my Best Friend Forever, my Daddy God. People were waiting for me to just give up on Jesus when we struggled & went through trials. Almost actually saying, "what about God, where's He, why isn't He helping??"

There were times through the years that we didn't go to church, but I NEVER left Christ's church. I still walked with Him, still learned about Him, still asked questions....did everything except go to a building. Still we always make it to a church to have fellowship with fellow believers when God places it on our hearts. So, during one of our church's sermon series the Pastor talked about going "ALL in" even getting poker chips that said "ALL in" on them. I loved this chip. It is a great reminder that a relationship with Him is ALWAYS "ALL in."                                                                                                                                                                         I actually had forgotten I had it until I was cleaning out my wallet to go to the last women's retreat in Georgia. As soon as I saw it my heart literally jumped for joy. I love this chip. I placed it in the front part of my wallet where I see it quite often, every time I open my wallet, in the clear plastic pocket. The reason I wanted to share this is because it directly relates to the message He has for us.

This last few weeks, I've talked to several people, of different ages, about "acting this way around other believers" & "different around "non-believers." For instance talk about God to people who believe, but don't make the "non-believers" uncomfortable by talking about Him. Really, really????

For whoever is ashamed of Me and My words in this adulterous and sinful generation, of him the Son of Man also will be ashamed when He comes in the glory of His Father with the holy angels.
                                                                                  Mark 8:38 NJKV

I don't know about you but to me this isn't what Jesus asks us to do when we begin a relationship with Him. When I first started my relationship with Him, I didn't know how to share with others. I fumbled & stumbled my way through by just being honest about my beliefs. Even though I could share my testimony with other believers, it was very difficult for me to share it with people that I didn't know, or people that I did that didn't have a relationship with Christ. I would let the enemy distract me with his lies about being laughed at & made fun of, or told off, or even just ignored completely. I made the choice to be distracted, I can't blame that on the enemy. As I'm getting farther & farther into this relationship with my Daddy, I'm learning to let the enemy distract me a whole lot less now.

If we don't share our Daddy, who will?? I love to tell people how much He's taught me, or how much He loves me & cherishes me. I live to share the Good News!!! How could I not want everyone I know, meet, or even see to have what I have. To know they are protected & loved. Share with them that all they have to do is believe Jesus died on the Cross for us, that He was resurrected & He was the Ultimate Sacrifice. Because of His Selfless act, His blood now covers ALL our sins & we are no longer under the law...what I truly love to share is that each step, each moment, of everyday I am in Him & He is in me...the unexplainable PEACE I can live in. All I have to do is choose to let Him lead my steps, be my GPS if you will. Some of those steps are pretty difficult. Some are a little easier.

What I believe is this, He knows what each of us struggles with, the shaping & molding are usually in those areas. So if you struggle with sharing the Good News with people who either don't believe, or you don't know if they do...that's probably going to be an area that stays pretty warm under the heat. Only because He's molding you to be more like Christ which I know you already know, but just felt the need to put that out there.

If you are walking with Christ, I believe He wants us to go "ALL in" for Him. Be willing to share with strangers about why were shinning so bright. Be willing to be who He is molding us to be, ALL THE TIME. Not just in front of people who know Who He is. But every day of your life, be the person He's creating in you, not who the world tells you that you need to be. If you can't be who He is leading you to be, you're not really walking with Him. There is NO gray area. You're either with Him or not with Him, there is no in between.

The deeper I fall in love with Him, the more I feel free to be me-in Him. I feel like it's ok if I want to say Jesus, in front of someone. Or share with someone what He's done in me, whether I know them or not.

I believe that He is first in my life. I know that He is my protector, provider & that He never leaves me, He's always right here. I have heard that "you put God in front of everything even family & that's not right!!!" I've also heard, "please leave me alone." But the one I cherish & pray for each time, is when someone says, "thank you for being willing to step out." It doesn't matter to me if I'm politically correct, or not. Honestly I'm not trying to fit in this world, I'm biding my time until eternity, truth be told I want to see as many people as I can in eternity with me, mostly because I want my Daddy to have as many of His children with Him as possible.

I've been asked by people what I believe in. My answer will always be Jesus Christ. I believe He was God & man & that because of Him taking the punishment He didn't deserve, I now have what I rightfully don't deserve, His grace. I believe that anyone who chooses to take Jesus Christ as their Savior is saved. I believe that He is why I have peace, hope & of course love. In closing this I pray that everyone who reads this will stop & think about this....are you "ALL in" for Christ, or just a fan??

If the world hates you, you know that it hated Me before it hated you.
                                                                                                  John 15:18 NKJV

Remember just saying His Name, plants a seed. So stop worrying what others will think if you go "ALL in" for Jesus, make Him smile & share the Good News, or at least plant a seed. If you're claiming to be a Christian walking in a relationship with Christ, then be transparent when it comes to your beliefs. Don't let the enemy distract you with doubt, or worry, or better yet FEAR. That is what it is after all, right??? Tell that FEAR to get behind you & take a step of faith.

Monday, August 25, 2014

Am I still lying in the world's broken truth???

Therefore, putting away lying. Let each one of you speak truth with his neighbor, for we are members of one another.
                                                                                       Ephesians 4:25 NKJV

This Scripture is the one on my daily Bible app today. All day I looked at it, I even shared it a couple of times on my personal Facebook page. It was sticking to me like a piece of partially chewed caramel candy, sticky with saliva. I just kept chewing on it, but never seemed to be able to swallow it??? I got a text from a woman Daddy God has recently used many times in my self pity parties to remind me that He can do anything. She used to just politely listen as I could rationally point every area of my life to either following God & abiding in His peace, or blame every bad thing on the enemy. She didn't understand why I felt I could hear Him, or how I knew what He was calling me to do, etc...She was going to church & she believed she was "doing" what she was supposed to do to be a Christian. According to the way our families raised us, she was.

We were raised to believe if you didn't kill anyone, or hurt anyone on purpose, or we could help others if they deserved it. Another thing I was raised to believe is that a "little white lie" won't hurt anyone. If you will cause friction, hurt someone's feelings, or make them feel uncomfortable, then a "little white lie" is the right choice. Talking about Jesus a lot in my house just wasn't done. "Bible beaters" made us uncomfortable. I was like any child I guess, I watched my mom & dad to learn how to be a good person. As I got older, I learned that it was my mom that would tell most of the "little white lies" although my dad didn't call her out on them. He would just sit there, until someone got upset with my mom & then he would protect her to them...but to her he would get upset & things would be "quiet & cold" at our house for awhile. So I learned that to tell a "little white lie" was ok. She did too.

But in the last six months or so, our conversations have changed. I have been pleasantly surprised on many occasions by how much she's opened herself up to God. To learn that He cares about EVERY detail of our lives. That He always loves us & that He wants us to do more than follow the laws. That His desire is for us to share Him & the Good News with everyone. That we allow Him to have control, to teach us, to lead us, to make us more like Him. She's asked questions that have made my jaw drop at the depth of her curiosity already!!! So, she's now aware that being a Christian has NOTHING to do with religion & everything to do with the relationship with Christ. That accepting Him as our Savior & that He not only laid His precious life on that Cross at Calvary, but rose again 3 days later, is ALL she has to do. Like me, she was happy to find this out. We both have our pasts & we both now know that we NEVER have to look back again....God is so so so good.

Back to her text. She asked if she could call...I didn't hesitate to text back "of course." So within moments her ringtone came singing out of my phone. When I picked up it was so good to hear her voice & instantly I felt the need to see this Scripture again. So I read it, then kept chatting & listening. At one point I thought I had figured out why He kept leading me to this  Scripture. When we were talking about some people in our lives that are procrastinating important things. Finding excuses to not have to get things done. Relying on others to get done what they need to do. Waiting until the last possible moment, then asking us or someone else to "help" them. Oh, I stopped her & went to my app & read the Scripture to her. I was ready for her to say, "oh yes, you are so very right." I was ready to feel that pat on the back. The pat the world tells us we need to feel "right."

But she didn't seem to respond in that manner at all??? She seemed to not hear what I said, so I read her a couple more versions....still no pat on my back??? She didn't get the connection, so I explained to her...."we need to call them on the excuses. Let them know they are lying to themselves when they say they cant do something. Or lying to themselves about ....." She tried to get the connection. She could tell I wanted her to. I needed her to agree that it was their fault....Why didn't she get it???

Then came the WHAM....the Truth hit me while I was thinking about how they need to change. Daddy said to this self centered daughter, "she learned how to be from you, just like you learned from your showed her that little white lies were ok most of her showed her how to put things taught her to sit & let others take care of her instead of vice were her example...even now as you sit in judgment of her choices, you are her example....your choice to keep lying to yourself about your health issues, weight & pain keeping you from doing what needs to be done...from enjoying the ability to home school, from fellowship with are living a limited life by your own choice....this is her example."

I murmur "uggghhh" and she asks me what's wrong?? I tell her what I've just been given from our Daddy...she starts to laugh a bit & says "yep that's it." I re-read the Scripture, the Truth He wanted me to see in it is suddenly highlighted immediately...I am still lying to myself...I have to stop lying to myself & then she will see the truth in my example. I am her example, I can have the choice to what kind of example I want to be...or don't want to be.

So, with this being said, I am not condoning going out & hurting people with your truth. What Jesus calls us is to "love your neighbor as much as yourself."

I, myself will be getting up & changing my routine. I will not allow myself to have others serve me, when I'm able to serve myself. I have asked my Daddy to give me the energy & strength to get back to a good wife, mom, Nona & friend. Actions speak louder than any words. If I chase hard after Him, He will make me more like Him. I choose to become more like my Savior & be a good example...Are you lying to yourself about something???? Stashing something away to be comfortable???? Remember He knows it's there, He's just enough to let you find it yourself. It's called GRACE.