Tuesday, April 5, 2016

Choices...this or that???

Poppa God has such a way of intertwining my struggles with each other. Today He showed me where the rubber meets the road in a very important relationship. My relationship with my youngest daughter...Little Girl. Our relationship is what I would describe as "Love meets Chaos." We love deeply, yet we blow up like an old building loaded with dynamite. I struggle with control & a need to be right..she wants me to love her as she is. Some of the things I love most about my overzealous, dreamer, who loves intensely...I struggle to deal with. Recently she had a heart attack...yes she was about turn 24 when she had a heart attack that actually damaged her heart muscle permanently...they believe she's actually had at least one previously to this one. So she wanted to come stay with us...I heard God whisper "no" & then loudly proclaim..."NO...not now." But ny is daughter telling me she wants to stay with us, so i decided I would override God's warnings. The result...a blow out, not as bad as previous battles for sure...but bad enough that she left...again. She messaged at first...but since there isn't any contact. I've cried, I've raged, I've begged...NOTHING. It's been a week & a half since anything.

In His Word God says...

Train up a child in the way he should go,
And when he is old he will not depart from it.                           Proverbs 22:6

 ...but what if I didn't train her up in the way she should go? what if I continued the same as I was raised?? will she find her way back, back to a faith that I didn't have, so I didn't live it out by example??? Will she hear God calling her? Will she say yes? What can I do to force this and make her exactly what this world tells me is "ok"...what I've learned in my half a century of living is acceptable to the people who walk in the world. Then God leads me here in His Word...

 “If the world hates you, remember that it hated me first. The world would love you as one of its own if you belonged to it, but you are no longer part of the world. I chose you to come out of the world, so it hates you. 
                                  John 15:18-19

I hear Him asking..."Are you trying to make her be what this world accepts? Are you trying to create a nice comfy world  so she has no need to seek Me? Are you ready to accept the consequences of these choices?" He opened my eyes & heart then gently punched me in the throat. If I'm doing everything I can to make sure she's happy & doesn't have to run to God, I'm setting her up to fail in her life & I will put myself before her relationship with God...I'm interfering  in her life where God's purposely walking her to teach her to seek Him. In fact in my life Verses God says...

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.”
                            Jeremiah 29:11~14

I am learning, slowly for sure, but I am learning, that God is NOT only my Poppa God, but He's also my sweet Little Girls Poppa God. So if He is asking me to seek Him, He is also asking her to seek Him. So if I'm stepping in the way of her seeking Him WHOLE heartedly...I'm getting in the way of her relationship with Him. As a mom God asks me to live such a way that others will see Him & will WANT Him...so that the children He places perfectly in my life, will WANT Him in theirs...that even when the world lies & glitters & steals their attention...they will either NOT fall away...or if they do...they will find their way back to Him...when He walks them through these choices.

So ALL of this has really found a place in my heart. I can confess my sins, not only to Poppa God ...but also to the ones I sin against...then I can repent & really let go of the reasoning I've held onto the sins...only then does it start becoming a real change. As God has walked me thru this today, I am able let go of my excuses & accept responsibility for my choices & sincerely apologize to this beautiful princess He blessed with...so I sat down & allowed God into those dark hidden corners that I've held onto so tightly..... to keep control...& I accepted responsibility for choices I made that hurt my Little Girl's heart. I prayed & listened to what God had to say....& let Him illuminate places that hurt to look into.

This is the message I sent to my Little Girl...

I'm praying for you daughter. I'm praying God reaches into this pain & lifts you out. I love u, I'm always here for you. I truly apologize for the things I said & did that hurt your heart. I'm definitely a work in progress, I am willing. I really want to share something God spoke thru pastor Bill this week. Some choices we make may seem like the right ones & then we find out that they're not. That is ok, but we must also accept the lifelong effects of those choices have in our lives. I never thought I'd be saying this to you. So here goes. I made a choice, a wrong choice with my relationship with you. I was jealous, VERY jealous first of Brendas relationship with my mom & then the relationship she had with you. And you her. I built a wall between me and you and I have added pieces of bitterness to it always. I've held onto the feelings of betrayal towards you for the close relationship you had with my mom. Your Grammy. Your Grammy. I've treated you as a possession and I treated you as if the fact that she doesn't accept me, is your fault. I've held tightly into my feelings of jealousy and betrayal against you. I'm sorry from the DEEPEST PARTS of my heart. I accept responsibility for ALL of my choices to belittle, shame & guilt you, as your mom I should be the one filling you with love, trust and respect...the one who stood in front of you as protected you even you were little & the one who stands beside you as a woman. I did not, I have not. Instead I chose to be what I hated when I grew up...nothing was ever enough...I treated you the same way my mom treated me...that rips my ❤... God's speaking so loudly to me to share & bare the truth to you. So this is it. The change is coming & I'm humble & hopeful that God will move mightily in my heart & keep pointing out my stumbles like He has. I just want to apologize again. I also want to tell you that I'm NOT that person anymore. I'm walking out of the chaos and into God's amazing peace. I know I will stumble, but with help and patience I can allow God to rework this crazy part of me. The most broken part of me. I do wish I could tell you this in person, I really want to hug you daughter and show you I'm gonna stand right beside you, hopefully being an example of Christ's love & grace. Please be safe. I'm here if you need me.  I do want to make sure you know I LOVE you. I am honestly sorry.

Little Girl...I'm here, I'll NEVER not be here for you. 💜