Friday, November 28, 2014

Ouch that hurt!!!

                                 When pride comes, then comes disgrace,
                            but with humility comes wisdom.
                                    Proverbs 11:2 (NIV)
I opened up the message & started reading...the more I read, the higher I could feel my anger rising. The tears of hurt, stabbing pain of someone I loved like a sister tossing knives & hitting me in the heart. With each sentence I built up an answer, oh boy was she gonna get an answer. I knew her deepest darkest secrets, too. Since I was on my phone, I'd have to work to show her how it took me forever to type out those words. I wasn't even going to proof read it, just send it to her. Then I heard the now recognizable sound of my Sweet Daddy's whisper..."you can send that & get all that anger out at her & make her feel just like you do know...or you can not. you can delete those words"
What??? But she hurt me...ssshhh...but who is she to judge...sshh...then the understanding came. She was holding up a mirror to me & describing what she was seeing, in her words. I knew that most of what she was saying was right on, it was just wrapped in such dirty, cruel words it hurt too bad to look at the truth. When I read her words again, I saw what He was trying to show me...things that were keeping me standing still in one place. He was trying to answer so many prayers from me & anyone who had lifted up my prayer requests. It just came a little different than I would've desired...He was showing me what was anchoring me to this path, the one He was leading me down, until I just stopped at a comfy rest area. The path I have been on now for what seems like forever.
"Dear Friend felt this way." Those words brought the light rushing in to this dark I didn't understand was hidden so deep in my heart, it was completely integrated into who I was. You see a few years back I had this wonderful, sweet, kind & loving friend, she was more than a friend to me...she was my Dear Friend. We couldn't be more opposite, but yet a connection unlike any I had experienced...God was the reason for the difference. We shared things, good & bad, we were walking through...which was good, for a while.
At the time we were not new Christians, but I know I wasn't as mature as I thought. I was starting to hear my Daddy's sweet whispers...I was pretty deaf at first, still not a pro. I heard what I thought would help her with some of her I would just start tossing the "wisdom" at her. When she didn't see what I did, or understand what I was saying, I would get frustrated & my "help" started being wrapped in anger, frustration, even cruelty. 
 Eventually, I started noticing that she wasn't answering my calls, she didn't text back...I didn't understand. I developed a callous where she was concerned. We set up a meeting at a park. I prayed that God would show me what His plan was. This was my heart set when I headed to that park..."if she doesn't forgive me then we aren't gonna be friends anymore." We sat down, I took banana chips with me to keep me from talking. We both ended up eating those chips...but when she finally spilled her broken heart out on the heart broke. My Dear Friend just couldn't handle me always telling her what to do. She didn't want my advice, what I meant for helping...because of the way I wrapped it in put downs, or stabbing knives..."Yes now you have it, this is how you made her feel...over & over." Wow, that lit up this dark little corner where I had laid the leftover pieces of our broken friendship. I saw exactly what I had done, I saw my own broken heart & understood hers...
I just sobbed...prayed...and sobbed more. I shared with my family what I had learned. They didn't get it, that was ok, I did. So within a few days of this my Sweet Daddy placed this Dear Friend in the same aisle, the same store at the same time, as me & Sr. I felt this rush of love come over me, a peaceful rush. I told her I wanted to have coffee soon...she said yes let's do. But He wasn't gonna leave it at that again..."let her know you finally understand" when I leaned in for a hug before walking away, I whispered, "I finally understand...I am so very sorry. I would love to get to share with you what I've learned." When I pulled away she looked in my eyes, which were filling & overflowing with tears of relief..."oh my friend, yes it's been way too long!!"
I walked away believing that I wouldn't hear from her. But the next night God blessed my family with a last minute worship concert & as we were being herded through with the crowd, I heard "my last name" being shouted, I turned to see my Dear Friend & her sweet family..."hi how are you!!! Wow this is a God thing huh!!" It truly was, the worship concert was Winterjam 2014...there were thousands of people. Even others that we knew were there, we never saw them...but when my Sweet Daddy is leading the way, ANYTHING is possible. She asked if we wanted to hang together, of course I said yes!!! It was an amazing Spirit filled concert, He shows up always. She had 4 teens, or close enough, with her so she was busy. But it was wonderful to get to stand next to my Dear Friend.
We have since met for coffee & pie, we spent 5 1/2 hours, laughing, crying, but most importantly, I was able to accept responsibility for the pain I caused my Dear Friend. I have also been in much prayer for the eyes & heart to recognize that I wasn't created to live her I have to stop trying to tell her how. I need to be here for her, whether it's a shoulder to cry on, a laugh for a joke, or a hug of peace. She will tell me what she needs, He will listen as I pray for her...He after all is her Creator...I am her friend.
Oh by the way, I deleted all those hurtful words & just said, "I'm sorry you feel that way..."
 Those who guard their lips preserve their lives,
    but those who speak rashly will come to ruin.
Proverbs 13:3


Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Life with Nona: ...are you the difference maker??

Life with Nona: ...are you the difference maker??: ...We are all transgressors, we're all sinners, we're all astronauts So if you're beating death then raise your hand but shut u...

...are you the difference maker??

...We are all transgressors, we're all sinners, we're all astronauts
So if you're beating death then raise your hand but shut up if you're not

'Cause I am the difference maker
Oh, I am the only one that speaks to him
And I am the friendliest of friends of God...
These are some of the words to a song called "I am a difference maker" by Need To Breathe. There is the whole song. I shared my favorite youtube version of it at the bottom of the page.
I'm a dvr watcher. I rarely watch live tv. If I am it's usually something my Sweet Hubby is watching, or one of the kids. I don't like commercials, especially during the seasons of political bashing. On the rare occasion that I catch the news, I'm usually overwhelmed by all the evil in the world today. Some of the things I hear chill me to my bone. I couldn't imagine being a keeper of the laws these days. I believe that God makes us each unique, but He also creates us for His purpose, to bring Him glory. In doing that He equips us with certain gifts to help us. He creates us to have a heart for things that let us feel His Presence & give us the sense of joy when we follow our calling...of course keeping Him the center of our lives is a big part of keeping to His path.
This all said because it seems to me that the news people want to keep the drama up, so they sensationalize certain bad, or certain good. I'm not naïve, I know it makes money...but doesn't that sentence make anyone else cringe?? I struggle with all the negative. It causes my anxiety to flare up...I struggle with a very real enemy. Panic & Anxiety disorder. 
God gifted me with discernment. A wonderful gift, when you learn that it's for Him. Others are gifted with different gifts, healing, teaching, protecting, serving...many more. I couldn't possibly list each, because I couldn't possibly know them all. But one thing I believe is this that God needs us all for unique paths, and He has a path for each of us. We have to choose it, but it's right here...right here.
When we make the choice to feed our flesh, to give into the flesh's desires, we aren't choosing that path. Our choices don't only affect our lives...there are many others God blessed us with that will be affected by our choices. Even the ones that are just passing by. God gives us the freedom of choice, but we can not be excused from the consequences those choices create. How would any one learn from the bad choices, or the good ones with out reward, or consequence?
I don't claim to know much about what happened with this officer who was not charged. I have only heard what broke in during a recording of a couple of my shows. The pictures they showed about what is happening because people "don't agree with the decision" shocked & disgusted anxiety came flaming up. What?? Really??? What kind of excuse is this to burn, steal, ruin business that had NOTHING to do with this decision??? This is deplorable behavior, unacceptable, NO EXCUSE.
The news channels are running these pictures & stories constantly...sensationalizing the divide in the colors of skin...I don't believe that this should be called "racism," my belief is Genesis 1:27 it says this...
So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.
I don't see anywhere in there where it says God created black, white, etc...It only says He created them in His image, men & women. So this divide between the different amounts of pigment we have in our skin, it's not racism. It's HATE plain & simple. It's from our enemy, satan. We're allowing this liar to play puppet master every time we perpetuate the lie that there is more than one race, the HUMAN RACE.
Now please don't think me naïve. I know that ignorance does exist in this world. I know that people hurt other people. There is evil in this world because satan is prince in this world. People have a choice to choose how they are going to live while they're in this world. My belief is I as Christ's chosen daughter, perpetuating the HATE being created?? or am I giving God my life & showing His LOVE, His mercy & Who is the ruler of my life?? My desire is that when others look at me, or my life, no matter when, where, or which part of me, they see the same thing, GOD. I don't think that people's hearts are to hurt anyone, or help the enemy dig the lines deeper between God's children, or even the non believers. 
 Most have been touched by the pain of loss at some point in their lives. And I know that some people's choices are not right. So what I go back to when I know either of these things, is prayer. 
God wants us to get on our knees & ask Him those hard questions. He wants us to go to Him, not listen to the lies of the enemy that the world & it's ways want to spoon feed us. If we let these beliefs get integrated into our hearts, we are allowing the enemy an in. We are choosing to give him a place to sit in our hearts.
What do I think will change this line between people who have more, or less pigment...getting into & REALLY living God's word. We cant claim to be doing these things unless when we read His Scriptures, we let Him shape these parts of us to be like Him, able to live the words. If every one who loves God really lived His word, we wouldn't live as if there is anyone who is not equal to the other. 

There are enough of us that LOVE God, that we could live like there is ONLY one race, the HUMAN RACE & I know that we could be difference makers...people are looking everywhere for that feeling, the peace that transcends all human understanding, I am, aren't you? What if we showed them where we found it?? Who we found it in?? How we have allowing God to be our center & learning from the molding He does. Let those who desire to, see Him in us. That means not being fake, not stressing over things, allowing them to see all our chaos & why we have peace. That we stumble & trip up, we are no more perfect than anyone else. We just choose to be shaped during the disasters & pain. We have to love, really love, even when we are at our worst...or when others are at theirs. In all of this we have to continue to choose God's truth over satan's lies.
Sorry I this subject was very touchy & I'm not really a very "politically correct" kind of woman. I more of a daughter of Christ kind.
Please join me in praying for all who are experiencing the pain of loss tonight, and every night. Whether it was sickness, accident, murder, or self's loss to those who loved them & it hurts. Let's lift up those involved in any of the schemes that satan is using to keep us distracted, while he tries to integrate his HATE into our hearts.
Thanks all for reading. Please feel free to share any thoughts or comments. Please enjoy this song, I'm just linking it from Youtube, I love this video.


Saturday, November 22, 2014

Every day is something to celebrate...

Today is "National Adoption Day." Some of you may have never had a reason to celebrate such a day. Today is a very special day to me...I am a birth mom & birth Nona. In my family adoption is celebrated. It hasn't always been like that. The first time I learned anything about adoption was in 1984 when my mom adopted my only sister's first child & suddenly I had another sister...of course I was 18, so it wasn't really like having another sister. There was much bitterness, worry, fear, etc... But she was a very sick baby & so sweet. I felt led to place a child, a son, when I had already had 2 of my children, I had Sr. (my oldest son) & Little Girl (my youngest daughter.) That decision I have never regretted. I know God's plan was for me to carry this baby boy, then the wonderful family He had chosen on the other side of the USA would raise him. He was created just for them & because of this, I've never felt a pang of "what if??" When God's plan comes together the way He creates it, it just creates a peace beyond all understanding.

Now I've seen adoption from another side. I have someone I love that was unable to follow through with placing the child with a family that was so excited for the child they knew they were being blessed with...when she backed out they cried & lashed out. The sad thing was they were right about what they said. In that situation the child ended up becoming my brother when I was almost 40. I see the struggles in this choice. It's not covered in the unexplainable peace that I know. All involved have been hurt, including the child. Another family member that I grew up with, in fact I went to my first bar with her...I was 13, she was 16. Of course there are many other things I remember about growing up so close too. Things that aren't bad choices, but good ones. I know when my only bio sibling, my sis' shot herself, it was her & her mom, my favorite aunt, that listened to me cry & cried with me. The amazing thing is, she also adopted one of my nieces, I had 2 nieces. My cousin found out she was adopted by the father she thought was her bio dad when she was in her 20-30's. She never knew she wasn't his, until someone decided to spill the beans. She struggled with that for many years in many damaging ways. I believe to this day, it still causes her to backslide.

For everyone of the bad stories, there are probably a whole lot more good stories. Like mine. I believe with every part of me that the difference is in the reason for the choice. I wasn't a Christian when I placed him with his parents. I believed in God, but it was in a legalistic way, a religious wrathful, angry God. My adoption moment is filled with joy, love & peace. I chose to believe God when He said, "This one is for a mom that I have chosen. I have chosen you to be the vessel to bring him into her arms." I can look back now, over 21 years later, and see how He orchestrated every fit my tiny bit of understanding. Back then I heard God, but didn't know it was Him, I realize this now. If I would've kept him & did it my own way, God's plan wouldn't have been fulfilled. Lives would be drastically different. I have talked with him in the past, the other mom's son, God clearly has shown me that he was NEVER mine, never intended for me, with details that I understand. He asked me if I "ever regretted giving him up for adoption?" I was totally honest with him, I told him "no, I've never regretted placing you in your mom's arms. She is your mom, God created you for her, I was just a vessel. I was blessed to be the one to carry you for your mom & dad." I hope with all my heart that I didn't hurt his feelings with that truth.

I shared a post recently called "Dear Little Feather..." I did my best to share that my daughter has been asked by God to be a birth mom. She struggled with believing she was strong enough, then she allowed God to be her strength & found that unexplainable peace. I am in awe of her faith. She is doing wonderfully & has had to cry with Nona a few times, but not because she's hurting because I am shedding a few tears at the loss of a sweet little feather. She reminds me that "God's in this..." I wipe my eyes & smile at the thought of how happy & giggly that sweet little feather is in the pictures & videos her mom & dad have been sharing. Back into His immense ocean of peace I go...knowing she is with her mom & dad & brother, the family God created her for.

So, today I share all of this chaos, to also share a request, a special request from this Nona, for her little feather. When Little Girl decided to listen & say yes when she finally heard our Lord's plan, it was a very unexpected surprise for little feather's family. They weren't expecting all the costs of adoption. I have no idea what they all are, but I know there are lawyers, court costs & other adoption expenses. They have been working on many different ways of earning the money for it like yard sales, online product sales from friends & they have set up a go fund me account. I have shared it over & over on my facebook page & will continue to do so. Now I'm asking you, can you help...either financially or through prayer?? Please step up if you believe in adoption, instead of abortion. If you believe God still performs miracles, or God plans a man's steps. If you've ever adopted a child, or are an adopted child, please take a leap of faith & help out however you can. Help them become complete.

Please also let me set this straight. I've been asked & others have to, if Little Girl will be getting any of the money. The answer is a HUGE NO. She isn't asking for any help at all, and she wont. She's trusting God & His promises. So here we go, if you'd like to help here's the link:

I'm hoping those one of those links work for you. If not I bet you could search for Jaelynn's adoption fund on

Thanks all.
#GodisinEVERYdetail #everydaymiracles #adoption #love #Jesusgirl

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Dear Little Feather...

Tonight I'm finally giving into His calling & sharing a testimony that some of you may know...but many of you do not. Let me preface this by saying, I truly found out who my real friends were when God asked my little girl to do something totally against what those in the world understand. I have lost some, but kept so many others & they are worth all the loss!!!

I don't know if many of you knew that I had placed a child for adoption with a wonderful couple, at the time I didn't know it, but it was definitely a God choice. He placed them in my path at the perfect time knowing that His plan would be fulfilled for us all. I was pressured to have an abortion by someone that I looked to for good choices. She at the time thought that would be better than me trying to raise another child, or her not getting to see her grandbaby. But I held up strong against her, one of the few times I ever did, until much later in my walk with God. I knew from my first trimester that this child wasn't mine, that God created him for a specific set of parents. Not in those terms back then I truly believed in God, but more like religious than relationship. I remember the feeling of love that she just couldn't seem to give me enough of...that's when I realized that she was really grateful to me??? I was grateful for them, they were going to raise this little guy, I had done my part. When she brought him up to see me before she took him from the hospital....I received the biggest gift...I saw a proud mama, big brother & their little one...she loved him so and it was very obvious. Thank You Lord for blessing me with the task of being a birthmom, it's something I'll never regret.

I shared a small piece of my testimony so that you might understand this testimony. A while back I shared that my little girl was making a huge decision & she felt it was definitely God asking her to make it. I also shared back last year that God had allowed her to have to be accountable for her actions. That's the nice way of saying she got pregnant. I shared the shock we were in, including my little girl. I believe I also shared that she was at first strongly considering, then probably & finally definitely gonna have an abortion. During this time, many amazing sisters in Christ stood up & said I will do this, I will raise this gift from God. One stood out, I knew her in an acquaintance way, but always felt such a gentle spirit around her. She was genuine, she shared her story & offered to love our little gift forever. But little girl said, "NO I'm not you mom, I cant carry a baby full term then give it away!!!! I am not that strong!!!"  All the drama & truth that came out of that whole situation...Praise & Glory to God for He has perfect timing & the volume goes up perfectly, she chose to carry & parent the child. I'm not sure if I shared with you my feelings about that choice or not.

God has made it pretty apparent to me that one of the main gifts He chose to bless me with is discernment. I've had it all my life & up until I started learning about Christianity, I just called it a 6th sense. As I've gotten closer & closer I've learned to hear Him much sooner than before. I recognize it's Him almost instantly now...the only thing is, that seems to be for other people, not myself?? Anyways, she shared that she & mister were gonna raise all their children together...I breathed a sigh of relief. But almost immediately I heard Him saying "I have created this little one for someone in particular...she's not yours"  So during the pregnancy, they were all in the frame of mind that this new little feather would be the baby of their family. I still heard His whisper..."she's meant for a family I am preparing."

I never felt like this was a punishment, in fact just the opposite. The hardest part was letting Him lay the path & let Him whisper to little girl & mister...I am a mother!!! I wanted her to hear Him, I wanted her to get prepared...I wanted her not to be hurt. I couldn't stop her, I was doing my best to let Him have control.

Then Little Feather arrived & living arrangements were changed around. They all stayed at mister's family home for a couple weeks after she was born. Little Princess was struggling to get her mama's attention...they finally moved back home. With Princess I helped by feeding & changing her when asked...but with Little Feather, I felt no need to help more that absolutely necessary. Not that I didn't enjoy talking to her, holding her, singing etc...I just let little girl have the parenthood she wanted.

Things were hard, she was exhausted & crabby. But I could feel the reigns pulling me back, I helped her more with little princess than I did with Little Feather. One evening we had a meltdown...she was worn out, the baby was fussy, little princess wouldn't stop running around. I lost it with her for yelling at little princess...she lost it with me, I instantly lost the Christ I so strive to be more like & screamed "this is why I wanted you to choose adoption!!! Now she is here it's too late you're attached to her!!!" I hope I apologized for that, if I didn't, I am truly sorry little girl!!!

I didn't know that she was talking to a beautiful sister in Christ about possibly adopting Little feather...until the sweet mama to be messaged me to tell me that little girl had been talking about her family adopting Little Feather. I was in shock, I prayed it wasn't because of what I'd screamed at her in one of my weakest moments. I told mama to be that I would stand beside what ever little girl decided to do. All I wanted her to do was follow what God wanted her to do. Later that afternoon I was sitting outside with Little Girl & I finally just shared the message I had little girl looked down as if in shame & said "I didn't know how to tell you mom. after you said it was too late to place her, I thought it would kill you!!!" She looked up at me with tears in her eyes!! My heart ached for her, my little girl was going through all this alone, because she didn't want to disappoint me???

I told her I was happy, I truly loved mama to be & knew she would be a great mom!! That night & each night after I have prayed for this child...that she would go to the family that God created her for specifically. One night God placed the name Gentle Spirit on my heart & her story..."WHAT Lord????? What are you saying??? My sweet friend, mama to be is already talking to little girl about adopting???? NO she can NOT be hurt!!!" But He insisted this name was the one. I decided to follow His guidance & so I text little girl. I told her I knew that mama to be was going to adopt Little feather, but if anything went wrong, there was this Gentle Spirit & her message. I got a text right back that something had interrupted the decision to adopt Little feather. So mama to be & her family wouldn't be taking the little is all I can say.

Little girl sent a message with the whole story to Gentle Spirit, asking her if they would be willing to raise Little feather. I don't know the whole story there, but I know that God has made this whole plan fit perfectly together...Little Feather is with the mama & daddy she was created for & God's peace is an ocean around our house. The best part of this is knowing  & really seeing the peace Little Girl has about this decision...I told her the other night when we were enjoying the beauty of fall nights in the southwest..."you told me you weren't as strong as me. But God asked you to walk a harder path than mine...He had you see what His plan was....He made you more like Him!!"

Little Feather was almost 3 months old when she joined her forever family...yes the world tells us we should hide, or be ashamed....but God tells us "good job chosen one."

                  I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him.
                                                                1 Samuel 1:27
                        Little Girl taking Little Feather out to hand her to her mommy, Gentle Spirit
This brought tears to my eyes....God's plan coming to woman asked to carry this gift for another woman
Mommy & daughter finally united
Grateful for her family who also knows this is God's plan