Friday, November 28, 2014

Ouch that hurt!!!

                                 When pride comes, then comes disgrace,
                            but with humility comes wisdom.
                                    Proverbs 11:2 (NIV)
I opened up the message & started reading...the more I read, the higher I could feel my anger rising. The tears of hurt, stabbing pain of someone I loved like a sister tossing knives & hitting me in the heart. With each sentence I built up an answer, oh boy was she gonna get an answer. I knew her deepest darkest secrets, too. Since I was on my phone, I'd have to work to show her how it took me forever to type out those words. I wasn't even going to proof read it, just send it to her. Then I heard the now recognizable sound of my Sweet Daddy's whisper..."you can send that & get all that anger out at her & make her feel just like you do know...or you can not. you can delete those words"
What??? But she hurt me...ssshhh...but who is she to judge...sshh...then the understanding came. She was holding up a mirror to me & describing what she was seeing, in her words. I knew that most of what she was saying was right on, it was just wrapped in such dirty, cruel words it hurt too bad to look at the truth. When I read her words again, I saw what He was trying to show me...things that were keeping me standing still in one place. He was trying to answer so many prayers from me & anyone who had lifted up my prayer requests. It just came a little different than I would've desired...He was showing me what was anchoring me to this path, the one He was leading me down, until I just stopped at a comfy rest area. The path I have been on now for what seems like forever.
"Dear Friend felt this way." Those words brought the light rushing in to this dark I didn't understand was hidden so deep in my heart, it was completely integrated into who I was. You see a few years back I had this wonderful, sweet, kind & loving friend, she was more than a friend to me...she was my Dear Friend. We couldn't be more opposite, but yet a connection unlike any I had experienced...God was the reason for the difference. We shared things, good & bad, we were walking through...which was good, for a while.
At the time we were not new Christians, but I know I wasn't as mature as I thought. I was starting to hear my Daddy's sweet whispers...I was pretty deaf at first, still not a pro. I heard what I thought would help her with some of her I would just start tossing the "wisdom" at her. When she didn't see what I did, or understand what I was saying, I would get frustrated & my "help" started being wrapped in anger, frustration, even cruelty. 
 Eventually, I started noticing that she wasn't answering my calls, she didn't text back...I didn't understand. I developed a callous where she was concerned. We set up a meeting at a park. I prayed that God would show me what His plan was. This was my heart set when I headed to that park..."if she doesn't forgive me then we aren't gonna be friends anymore." We sat down, I took banana chips with me to keep me from talking. We both ended up eating those chips...but when she finally spilled her broken heart out on the heart broke. My Dear Friend just couldn't handle me always telling her what to do. She didn't want my advice, what I meant for helping...because of the way I wrapped it in put downs, or stabbing knives..."Yes now you have it, this is how you made her feel...over & over." Wow, that lit up this dark little corner where I had laid the leftover pieces of our broken friendship. I saw exactly what I had done, I saw my own broken heart & understood hers...
I just sobbed...prayed...and sobbed more. I shared with my family what I had learned. They didn't get it, that was ok, I did. So within a few days of this my Sweet Daddy placed this Dear Friend in the same aisle, the same store at the same time, as me & Sr. I felt this rush of love come over me, a peaceful rush. I told her I wanted to have coffee soon...she said yes let's do. But He wasn't gonna leave it at that again..."let her know you finally understand" when I leaned in for a hug before walking away, I whispered, "I finally understand...I am so very sorry. I would love to get to share with you what I've learned." When I pulled away she looked in my eyes, which were filling & overflowing with tears of relief..."oh my friend, yes it's been way too long!!"
I walked away believing that I wouldn't hear from her. But the next night God blessed my family with a last minute worship concert & as we were being herded through with the crowd, I heard "my last name" being shouted, I turned to see my Dear Friend & her sweet family..."hi how are you!!! Wow this is a God thing huh!!" It truly was, the worship concert was Winterjam 2014...there were thousands of people. Even others that we knew were there, we never saw them...but when my Sweet Daddy is leading the way, ANYTHING is possible. She asked if we wanted to hang together, of course I said yes!!! It was an amazing Spirit filled concert, He shows up always. She had 4 teens, or close enough, with her so she was busy. But it was wonderful to get to stand next to my Dear Friend.
We have since met for coffee & pie, we spent 5 1/2 hours, laughing, crying, but most importantly, I was able to accept responsibility for the pain I caused my Dear Friend. I have also been in much prayer for the eyes & heart to recognize that I wasn't created to live her I have to stop trying to tell her how. I need to be here for her, whether it's a shoulder to cry on, a laugh for a joke, or a hug of peace. She will tell me what she needs, He will listen as I pray for her...He after all is her Creator...I am her friend.
Oh by the way, I deleted all those hurtful words & just said, "I'm sorry you feel that way..."
 Those who guard their lips preserve their lives,
    but those who speak rashly will come to ruin.
Proverbs 13:3