Monday, August 25, 2014

Am I still lying in the world's broken truth???

Therefore, putting away lying. Let each one of you speak truth with his neighbor, for we are members of one another.
                                                                                       Ephesians 4:25 NKJV

This Scripture is the one on my daily Bible app today. All day I looked at it, I even shared it a couple of times on my personal Facebook page. It was sticking to me like a piece of partially chewed caramel candy, sticky with saliva. I just kept chewing on it, but never seemed to be able to swallow it??? I got a text from a woman Daddy God has recently used many times in my self pity parties to remind me that He can do anything. She used to just politely listen as I could rationally point every area of my life to either following God & abiding in His peace, or blame every bad thing on the enemy. She didn't understand why I felt I could hear Him, or how I knew what He was calling me to do, etc...She was going to church & she believed she was "doing" what she was supposed to do to be a Christian. According to the way our families raised us, she was.

We were raised to believe if you didn't kill anyone, or hurt anyone on purpose, or we could help others if they deserved it. Another thing I was raised to believe is that a "little white lie" won't hurt anyone. If you will cause friction, hurt someone's feelings, or make them feel uncomfortable, then a "little white lie" is the right choice. Talking about Jesus a lot in my house just wasn't done. "Bible beaters" made us uncomfortable. I was like any child I guess, I watched my mom & dad to learn how to be a good person. As I got older, I learned that it was my mom that would tell most of the "little white lies" although my dad didn't call her out on them. He would just sit there, until someone got upset with my mom & then he would protect her to them...but to her he would get upset & things would be "quiet & cold" at our house for awhile. So I learned that to tell a "little white lie" was ok. She did too.

But in the last six months or so, our conversations have changed. I have been pleasantly surprised on many occasions by how much she's opened herself up to God. To learn that He cares about EVERY detail of our lives. That He always loves us & that He wants us to do more than follow the laws. That His desire is for us to share Him & the Good News with everyone. That we allow Him to have control, to teach us, to lead us, to make us more like Him. She's asked questions that have made my jaw drop at the depth of her curiosity already!!! So, she's now aware that being a Christian has NOTHING to do with religion & everything to do with the relationship with Christ. That accepting Him as our Savior & that He not only laid His precious life on that Cross at Calvary, but rose again 3 days later, is ALL she has to do. Like me, she was happy to find this out. We both have our pasts & we both now know that we NEVER have to look back again....God is so so so good.

Back to her text. She asked if she could call...I didn't hesitate to text back "of course." So within moments her ringtone came singing out of my phone. When I picked up it was so good to hear her voice & instantly I felt the need to see this Scripture again. So I read it, then kept chatting & listening. At one point I thought I had figured out why He kept leading me to this  Scripture. When we were talking about some people in our lives that are procrastinating important things. Finding excuses to not have to get things done. Relying on others to get done what they need to do. Waiting until the last possible moment, then asking us or someone else to "help" them. Oh, I stopped her & went to my app & read the Scripture to her. I was ready for her to say, "oh yes, you are so very right." I was ready to feel that pat on the back. The pat the world tells us we need to feel "right."

But she didn't seem to respond in that manner at all??? She seemed to not hear what I said, so I read her a couple more versions....still no pat on my back??? She didn't get the connection, so I explained to her...."we need to call them on the excuses. Let them know they are lying to themselves when they say they cant do something. Or lying to themselves about ....." She tried to get the connection. She could tell I wanted her to. I needed her to agree that it was their fault....Why didn't she get it???

Then came the WHAM....the Truth hit me while I was thinking about how they need to change. Daddy said to this self centered daughter, "she learned how to be from you, just like you learned from your showed her that little white lies were ok most of her showed her how to put things taught her to sit & let others take care of her instead of vice were her example...even now as you sit in judgment of her choices, you are her example....your choice to keep lying to yourself about your health issues, weight & pain keeping you from doing what needs to be done...from enjoying the ability to home school, from fellowship with are living a limited life by your own choice....this is her example."

I murmur "uggghhh" and she asks me what's wrong?? I tell her what I've just been given from our Daddy...she starts to laugh a bit & says "yep that's it." I re-read the Scripture, the Truth He wanted me to see in it is suddenly highlighted immediately...I am still lying to myself...I have to stop lying to myself & then she will see the truth in my example. I am her example, I can have the choice to what kind of example I want to be...or don't want to be.

So, with this being said, I am not condoning going out & hurting people with your truth. What Jesus calls us is to "love your neighbor as much as yourself."

I, myself will be getting up & changing my routine. I will not allow myself to have others serve me, when I'm able to serve myself. I have asked my Daddy to give me the energy & strength to get back to a good wife, mom, Nona & friend. Actions speak louder than any words. If I chase hard after Him, He will make me more like Him. I choose to become more like my Savior & be a good example...Are you lying to yourself about something???? Stashing something away to be comfortable???? Remember He knows it's there, He's just enough to let you find it yourself. It's called GRACE.

Friday, August 22, 2014

How far am I from the edge???

Tonight I found myself watching a touching remembrance of Robin Williams on the show "Inside the Actors Studio." I watched it with my youngest son Jr. He is about 11 1/2 years old now. I didn't know if he would have any idea who Robin Williams was. To my surprise he remembered him from a show called "the crazy ones," that was on this last year. He laughed at that show. As we watched the man that was "Robin Williams" pull an unlimited amount of funny out of his mind, we laughed from deep inside....together we laughed till tears were running down our faces. In the beginning for the same reasons, but as the tears started to stream a little more crying than laughing down my face, I could feel the pain.

You see I lost my only biological sister to suicide. She shot herself in 2002, when she was 34 years old. She was just about to become a biological grandma & she was fighting addiction as well at the time. Mostly I think she was fighting some old demons that just wouldn't let go & she had no idea all she had to do was say "get behind me demons, I belong to Christ!!!" She only knew that she was in pain & wanted it to probably wonder how I know this, well I will tell you. In detail.

First I must warn you that I will be sharing deep parts of my life with you. If you in any way wish to post negative comments, they will be deleted & you will be removed, PERIOD. This is going to be hard to read & I would prefer if you are feeling suicidal, or a desire to self harm, please DO NOT read this post. I am not a mental health worker in any form, I will simply be sharing what I feel God has given me to share, for His reasons, ALONE.

In 1984 I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder, with severe depression. I had just had my son, I was 19 & on my own. My mom was also diagnosed many years earlier with the same diagnosis. She had spent many weeks in the mental ward when I was a teenager & growing young woman. I don't have any idea how many, but I do remember that it disrupted the household each time. I remember my dad used to seem to just accept these stays, even though they seemed months at times. I remember honestly being glad she was gone because she & I fought like cats & dogs. I also remember hoping that one of those stays would send her home filled with the same love for me that she had for my little of them had to, didn't it??? So, getting this diagnosis scared me a little, because I didn't have anyone to care for my son, when I needed to be hospitalized???

Praise God the Dr. explained that he was going to try medicine to "level me out" & keep me "on an even keel." I agreed & off I went on the long, long, long road of trying every chemical known to man, or that they could come up with, to stimulate my brain into being happy & not wanting to die. Yes I said "die" & I meant it. I can remember wanting to die as early as about 6 or 7 years old. I remember just saying "please God wont you take me to heaven away from here" very seriously. I remember every moment that I had to spend with certain people, making me want to die even more....sometimes that was my own mother. Mostly because I couldn't believe she was so blind to the sexual abuse I was living in....daily. How did she not know???

Through the years, there were moments, mostly over love that went wrong, or the relationship between me & my mom, that I wanted to die. Times I plotted my death route....always playing it out in my mind & sighing with relief at the end. But, until the 17the day of March in 2007, they were just that, playing out in my mind. That day was different. That day was hard to survive.

That day was coming up on the 5th anniversary of my sister's suicide on the 24th of March. We had just gotten married, me & my hubby on the 17th of February. I had done a very inexpensive home wedding...just a few family members, and a few friends from our church. Because my hubby was a plumbers apprentice at the time, we were making a whole lot less. So I had to get very creative to make this wedding everything I wanted. I scoured over the blogs & websites for brides, looking for free or very cheap ways to host a beautiful wedding. I researched Scriptures & picked out my favorite. Got everything either free, or on deep sale somewhere. Worked my booty off to get into my favorite of the 3 dresses I had gotten. 2 were free & the last one I got for $75 on It was a princess style, one of the free ones. It was covered in beads, satin, lace....I loved it.

Anyways back to one of the darkest days of my life...I had just gotten married & was experiencing this "let down." I guess it's normal?? I guess when people go through this almost "high" of planning & preparing for something, after it is over there is this period where there is a "let down" phase that most people just dart through then go on. But I have this that I haven't thought about for a while....I was using other things to keep me on that even my meds, AGAIN. So this "let down" phase hit me harder with each passing day. I began to start feeling like I had nothing to look forward to. I started to tell myself this. Then I started to believe it, and before I knew I was living it.

It was one evening after dinner me and my hubby were watching TV. I don't know exactly what was the deciding factor, yes actually I do, it was the lack of sleep. When I'm depressed I cant sleep. I get insomnia terribly. But I had some Ambien I had just gotten filled. A refill so I could get some sleep. While hubby and Jr watched TV I headed into the bathroom....I sat in there for a long long time. Listening to the negative hate spewing out of my own mind & mouth for myself. I started to continue the carving I was doing into my right thigh. It was the day I lost my sister I was carving into myself. Then those demons, the ones that lie & tell you that "you'd be better off dead!!"

Those voices are deafening for me at times...especially then. Then when you start remembering all the ones who love you, your hubby, kids, mom, etc...those same voices start to belittle you with things like, "oh they don't love you, they'll be better off without you!!" Then they resort to trying to chide you into it with "what are you too chicken??" Well that night, I decided to kill those voices, permanently silence them. I grabbed my new refill & headed into the bathroom. I started my bath & put sweet smelling bubbles & a bubbling ball in. I lit a candle & turned off the lights...I got into the bath with my diet coke & my refill of Ambien & laid back & began taking that refill, first a couple...then a couple more...and so on. I remember telling God "thank You for forgiving me Father." I then remember waking up in the hospital, with a stranger watching everything I did...sitting in my doorway, never leaving.

After talking to one of the nurses & my hubby I had decided to be honest & share with the Dr when he/she got there what I had tried to do. But that quickly changed after I found out that there was no place for me to go to get the help I needed. I denied the attempt to take my life & said it was an accident & refused to admit any other scenario. You see they were going to send me a couple hundred miles away from the ones I loved & wanted to get help a rehab, not a mental health facility. I didn't have a drug problem, I needed to be in therapy & have my meds adjusted. Instead I agreed to go to the Psychiatrist & get back on the meds to control those thoughts & keep me on an even keel. In the years since, I have gone on & off so many different chemical compounds, been sick as a dog & bouncing off the walls. But finally I started using a natural medicinal plant extract & it is working wonderfully.

Since then I have not tried to take my own life. But if I'm honest, I would have to admit that even as recently as the last month, I've had thoughts of taking my own life. Now I just turn to my Daddy, He is right here to calm me & reassure me that His plan is not done. That is enough for me now & if my needs ever change, I trust & believe that He will have my back ALWAYS.

You see EVERYONE is facing this same battle called life. But the difference is Who we have fighting for our side.....I chose the biggest, toughest, most honest & trustworthy to fight on my side...I chose my LORD. Please if I can pray for you, or you don't have anyone on your side, let me introduce you to my Daddy, GOD.

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Before I re-enter the world...

I have shared on here on probably several occasions that I have an issue with tasting words before I spit them out...maybe not in those words, but with that meaning. God has been working on this with me for pretty much my entire  life, especially since I have made the choice to accept Jesus as my Savior. It seems that each time my Daddy decides to work on this area of me again, He starts out with letting me make my own choice & even as I'm spitting out the venomous words at someone I love very dearly, I hear Him whisper....."this, this is where I'll be trimming & shaping this time."

My Daddy loves me so much that He has NEVER followed that whisper up with an "again." He doesn't remind me that He has worked on this area more than a few times. This area is one I really want to be trimmed away completely. I tell Him I want Him to remove this sin I keep repeating, over & over. He always is so gentle in His shaping of my heart. He NEVER just rips it out, He ALWAYS wraps His trimming in His total faithfulness.

When I was growing up, a lot of times words hurt. I am not blaming my choice to use words as weapons on ANYONE. It was just a fact of life in my house as a child. My mom was raised the same way in her youth & just carried it into her parenting. I honestly don't hold any animosity towards her for this choice. I used to be very angry with her. I didn't want to forgive her because then I had someone other than myself to blame. However, if you've read my blog since the beginning, you know that my Daddy didn't want me to keep holding onto the resentment, it was eating me from the inside out. It was a struggle, I can not tell a lie, but well worth the pain is the peace I have received, His peace.

So, I was the "I have to know," "I want to have my way," "I asked why over & over." I wasn't an easy child I guess. I knew my father loved me all my life, but honestly for most of my life, I've never truly believed that my mom did. She seemed to always find something wrong with everything I did...don't we all feel this way?? Really I'm asking, because I just thought it was the way the world was. I grew up way to fast. My mom was never satisfied with me & I just wanted out of the house, no matter how.

From early on my mom was closer with my sister. She was the "easy, don't ruffle feathers" child when she was younger. My mom used corporal punishment as a discipline in our home & I was the one who "needed" the most discipline. She usually used my dad's belt. My sister really didn't get the belt very often, she had learned how to avoid it from an early age. I knew that belt. I hated that belt. I hated her for using it to hurt me with EACH syllable of every hurtful, angry word she spit at me. No matter how many times she would swing that belt down on me, I would refuse to cry, which just fueled her anger more. My little sister would say to me, "why don't you just cry, she stops when you cry??" But I told her "I'll never give her that satisfaction!!" When she wasn't using the belt to "teach" me, she used her words. I learned to feel more & more powerless & less & less worthy. At times I questioned if she loved me at all.

I think the biggest memory I have of her using words to "teach" me, was when I was in high school. My mom finally talked my dad into family therapy. We were all sitting in the Dr's office, my dad, mom, sister & me. She was talking about the problems in the family & asking what brought us. I believe I said I felt like my mom didn't love me. My mom said to her "well her dad is closer with her & I'm closer with her sister." Just as matter of factly as if that were normal. I began to live it as normal. Using my words to get my own way, using them to hurt those who hurt me, to manipulate name it, I used them. The worst way I used them, was to "train or teach" my children...

Which brings me to the subject of this blog post that my Daddy is totally sharing through me. He blessed me to be able to attend a wonderful women's retreat with some of the same amazing women from last year's in Florida & some just as amazing new sisters!! He placed me in just the place to teach me.

After an enlightening, inspiring, emotional & wonderful weekend I was feeling both excited & drained. I get a call from my hubby that irritated me was on me not him. Then I ask about coming home to a clean house. He tells me to talk to little girl cuz he wants to stay out of it. So I message her. "That house better be spotless when I get home." To which she replies, "spotless is a far cry from clean, you said clean." Immediately I sense her frustration & fly off the handle....tossing & spitting flaming, wounding words again & again...this sends her on a rant that just infuriates me more. I start making threats, I start picking at every fault she has....she just feeds in & we are off on one of those fights that the enemy just sits backs & laughs at.

She has learned to just shut down when she realizes I'm out to "win" this argument, which just makes me more & more mad. I use anything I can to hurt & manipulate her to letting me have the control I think I have, or SHOULD have. After several more messages on my part than hers, I'm drained & I go to bed.

My Daddy awakens me in the morning to a beautiful refreshing rain. I wake up thinking, "ahh what a beautiful day." Then the enemy reminds me what I did the night before. I try to push it aside & he just keeps shoving it back in my face. Finally I hear my Daddy whisper, "just lay it down & move on." This is always the hardest step for me, I don't know about you but I want to feel justified, not let go. But He has other plans, again always to give me hope & a future.

I pray to Him & I ask Him to please give me the words to say to my little girl, to apologize. He calms me & whispers, "not by text, or msg....on the phone, or in person so she can hear your voice." This always makes me argue, that I'm not wrong, etc...Then He reminds me that it doesn't matter who's right, or wrong...all that matters is that I love her & be obedient to Him if I want to be more like Him.

So, as of this moment, my Daddy has shared several truths via inspirational photos, friend's support & most importantly this Scripture....

Those who guard their lips preserve their lives, but those who speak rashly will come to ruin.
                                                                           Proverbs 13:3

This is very direct & to the rings true in my life how about yours??

Are your words giving life, or wounding those you love???

I am currently awaiting a phone call from little girl, to apologize to her. Please keep me in your prayers.