For y'all...speaks for her, cuz she can't

https://youtu.be/QAXoHBxnRJk

Lost

I'm at a place where I'm screaming out to God...Jesus come. My little girl is gone again? I'm not sure why...if I could just figure that out...my heart is aching...Lord come...asking for prayers...thanks y'all...I'm trying to remember moment by moment...but God.

Moving mountains...

...Whenever I pray, I make my requests for all of you with joy, for you have been my partners in spreading the Good News about Christ from the time you first heard it until now. And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.

Philippians 1:4-6 NLT

Today as I sit down to write this, my heart is in constant prayer for my sweet sister M & Mr A & all the little A's & Mr M & little A...their sweet T finished her work here in this life after only 21 years & Jesus called her & her precious unborn angel Home with Him last week, just before the retreat they put their hearts into for me & my sweet sisters. We were all truly blessed by each detail God gave M & then she put into action...keeping her mind & heart focused on Him & His plan, instead of the unimaginable heartache & fear that the enemy would've liked her to...Thank you M & Mr A for your sacrifice in a time when most would crumble & fall...you are an inspiration to this old Nona, thank you for showing me what authentic faith looks like...for sharing with us how to walk into the darkest valley any parent could be asked to walk into & be the lighthouses to all who He places in your path...I am sorry for the pain, I know you wouldn't have traded a single moment...not one. T I met you as a total stranger your mama brought home...well via Special K & God's whispers...you didn't even blink, just look at me shyly with that sweet beautiful smile you have that showed the shiniest sparkle in your beautiful eyes & said "hello"...the last retreat I was blessed to enjoy with you there...the same sweet smile & twinkle...from the moment I met you all your little siblings flocked to you like baby quail following their leaders...the first vision God gave me of the moment you were called Home was of you holding a baby with many littles surrounding you & that same beautiful smile & your cheeks were glowing & eyes sparkled like diamonds. As I read the many woman sharing that they know that you are holding their lost children, I realize that God called you home to help love on those babies...He knows that the sisters your mama found will love your sweet baby A & remind him of who he got his twinkle from...you will never be out of mind, thank you for your kindness, acceptance & laugh...M, I am a mama praying for you mama...I am always here, for any reason...and if you know M you know that's a big statement. God moves mountains through her...in her...with her & Mr A's 

myrrhministries.org

Please if you feel led to help this young father who is now trying to raise their son & face life without his bride...click here to help with the mountain of medical bills he is looking at now. I know this would be a huge blessing...

https://www.gofundme.com/tiajakefund

So M, this one is for you...& your sweet girl...we will all laugh & hug & sing together again, when we go Home...

I tell you the truth, you can say to this mountain,'May you be lifted up and thrown into the sea,' and it will happen. But you MUST REALLY BELIEVE it will happen and HAVE NO DOUBT in your heart.

Mark 11:23 NLT

So, this verse...well this verse was whispered to me several times the last year and a half...more lately for sure. If you have read my blog posts you know that I share how God teaches me...how He is trimming away the worldly fleshly parts of me & He's replacing them with Him...showing me who He created me to be. Along this journey, which began at a steady pace honestly about 11 years ago, God has walked me through some of the roughest, most painful times in my life...He's carried me through at least the end of all of them. Each time we make it to the end of the valley & reach the mountain top I almost giggle with giddiness as I recognize the feeling of weightlessness that comes with release, surrender...letting go & letting God. Well this valley has been no different. 

I know that I've shared several times about my Little Girl...she had wandered off & away after a pretty painful argument several months ago. I struggled to hang onto God's hands in those first moments...each time I would go to church & be lifting my voice high in praise for God, I would see Him holding my hand & walking me into the next step of this journey then He would speak volumes in the moments the pastors would share their messages...He never left me. He carried me in moments I prayed for Him to take me Home & take away this pain...but God. God is in every moment. The moments we wish away & the moments we wish would never stop...in each moment it's our choice to seek God & His hand no matter the circumstances. He is ALWAYS there, maybe not in the way WE expect to see Him, but He is there. So even the moments when I thought I couldn't take another breath, He kept breathing for me...after all it is His breath in my lungs.

After a bit of walking in bitterness, self pity & just throwing a plain old temper tantrum I finally got tired of the way I was feeling. So I sat still, I got with God, I let Him show me...show me the parts He needed to trim. The parts that didn't bring glory to Him, but instead shined a light on those parts that needed to be trimmed so I could find His peace...let others see Him in me. This was about the time the women's retreat that Poppa God brought me to for the last 3 years was about to happen. but God. God knew that wasn't the time He had set aside for this retreat...none of the schedules could be synced & suddenly His plan was in motion...a plan none of us could expect...not this plan. Instantly I felt it...the usual build up of excitement. It was dashed by sweet hubby getting laid off & trying to finance 2 households in separate states became our reality...one day M posted a status update on the Facebook page for the retreat & my heart ached so I lifted up my request to God, "Lord if it's Your will, You will make a way." The next day, the next day, the very next day God sent M with a question..."if it was covered, would you come?" To which I looked up & said  "thank You Poppa" then sent back a text with His answer for me, "yes of course." That was the beginning of blessings in the form of being attacked continuously from that moment...those attacks let me know that I'm on the right path, God's path, so they are true gifts, sign posts if you will. The closer the retreat got, the more fiery arrows that started to fly...the harder it was to focus on God's path & not focus on the shiny arrows flying right by my face. 

It was easy for me to focus on the distractions the enemy was showering my life with...but God. God opened up my eyes. God reminded me that it's not about me...but about the ones He places in my path...it's about loving like Him, about sharing in other's pain & not looking only at my circumstances. That's when M shared that T was in desperate need of prayer, that she was fighting for her life & the life of her unborn child. In that moment I dropped to my face in prayer for this sweet young sister...praying for M, Mr A, T, her hubby & son, her siblings & extended family...begging for a miracle, begging for her life, for M never to feel the loss of her child...or Mr A to feel the loss of his little girl. I stayed in constant prayer for T like I never have...my Spirit constantly groaning in prayers I couldn't understand, nor did I try. 

The day C & I boarded the plane for Texas was long...but we finally landed in Texas & were taken to a sweet sister's house, by K & her daddy, D. We stayed at the same house we stayed at for the last retreat, it was comforting to know L & E...we didn't have long to rest our bodies, we had to be up about 4 hours later & ready to hit the road. Which actually surprised my exhausted body, but excited my wide awake mind. We were up & headed outside where we found several of our sisters already loading up the many bags & tubs of the hard work M had been putting into this weekend with God...the weekend He was asking her to stay behind instead, to trust Him & His plan...a plan that didn't include her physical presence...a plan that was asking her "am I enough? do you trust me?" & probably reminded her that He knows how much this ministry means to her, but it's still His. 

So as I walked out I spotted G & A, they were playing tetris with the bags & tubs...there were a few other women I didn't know & a couple of hubby's helping get it tied down...I walked out & hugged G & A...then went & introduced myself to little J & songbird K. Then like a bright light here came C-1 walking up & the joy just kept coming...hugs from my sparkly sister. Mr D followed, the first male speaker at one of our retreats. Before too long we were loaded up & just that moment God's perfect plan...here came M. Just in time for us to all hear from her, hug her & then lay hands on her to pray for her & her girl. Then hugs around, pictures & off we went. God placed me in C-1 & Mr D's car...with little J. Wow He knew what He was doing when He created His seating plan for this trip. As we drove into the darkness, waiting for the sun to rise, we talked & laughed...we shared with each other the words God gave us. I am like an open book, really...I'm sure y'all are surprised by this...wink wink. But I learned that where there are secrets, that's where the enemy has control...so if I keep it in the light, he can't have any power. I know that others are a little more reserved, they like to keep a tight hold on their struggles & share them only with a select few...don't get me wrong, I have things I only tell God Himself, but most of myself is an open book. 

Little J reminded me of my favorite aunt...she was so elegant, always looked put together, never a hair out of place...just knew how to take care of herself. Not that they are vain, just that it's naturally that way for them to take care. The part that spoke to me loudly was the part of this wise sister was her gift to speak to the truth into me & also share her struggles when she learned that I am walking a very similar path. She & I had more in common than I would've ever guessed...one of which was our Little Girls had wandered off & away from us. She too knew the pain of begging God for her girl to turn back again...so she could hug her & tell her how much she means to her. I know others may look at my Little Girl & say "wow, she's a lost cause" but Little J, like this mama, looked & saw a Little Girl who was hurting & lost. She spoke hope & life into this heartache...& I hope I did the same for hers. I know that her Little Girl is not lost, but Poppa God is giving her the same choice as He gave each of us...they just have to choose to say yes...we can't choose for them, as much as we want to & try to...when they choose to say yes, then He will flick that mountain in their way into the sea. During the road trip to the retreat, M called & let C-1 know that Poppa God had called her T home...she was with Jesus. With this news a somber quiet took it's place...& we all lifted a prayer for this sweet family, as the other cars in the caravan came along & we all joined hands in the middle of a few gas pumps...joined in one common request of peace & comfort for T's family.

When we loaded up, I moved over with C in Special K's truck...I was blessed to meet a couple more new sister's coming with Special K & Miss K. Cphone & baby J. Instantly I felt that connection with baby J. She was an open book like me, I appreciated her honesty, her complete vulnerability...she brought joy & laughter...thanks baby J, my fellow squirrel. The trip was long but we finally got to MC's house...the rest of this I will be sharing in another post but for now I will begin with the mountain in this post & start back up with us in worship on Saturday, before R-2 spoke about "releasing our children"...

As Little J & I began to sing praise to God with the other beautiful sisters...He broke that last piece of my desire to control & hold onto my Little Girl...I crumbled into a heap of pain & snot as Little J watched & came to my rescue with a tissue, then stepped up to hold this broken mama in her arms...she began to pray, I felt the calming of His presence immediately surround & cover every part of us...she spoke of God moving the mountains of anger & hurt...of us giving up the control we so desperately tried to hold onto...I prayed over her mountain too...we just stood there with sisters lifting up praise to God all around us, feeling the love...suddenly I felt the heaviness lifting, I felt the joy returning...I felt the release & the joy pour down. We continued with the session...the speaker was right on the mark...at one point I turned around to Little J & we just looked at each other & nodded, knowing that was a whisper of confirmation for us, directly from the LORD Himself...we smiled, grateful the other knew. After worship, I checked my phone, which was on silent...the red blinking light, that red blinking light. I just assumed it was my hubby, again. I quickly entered my pass code & when the home screen opened, I saw it...my Little Girl's facebook pic...I had a message from my girl!!! Less than 2 hours after asking God to move this mountain...He flicked it into the sea in Panama City, Florida...it was GONE...then as I began to cry with joy, the enemy automatically tried to steal my joy, to keep me from opening up the first message from my Little Girl in a while...he whispered "she's probably telling you not to text her friend...not to check up on her, to leave her alone forever..." just then my sweet sister, one who knows & understands my struggles as well...she & I met at my very first retreat...it was her first as well. Sweet B came beside me & asked if I was ok...I looked at her & she knew, I just lifted up my phone & she looked at me concerned..."it's a message from my Little Girl...but I am afraid to open it..." at the moment she didn't hesitate, she extended her hand & asked if I wanted to go outside...then helped me up. We walked outside where I really lost it, I burst into tears, uncontrollable for several minutes & when I had released all my worries & fears to God...I knew I was ready, ready for whatever that message contained. I knew God was there, He surrounded me with sisters who loved me & were there for me...I knew that if she wanted me to stay away, it would hurt...but God.

I started to read...my mountain was gone...He had kept His promise...I had asked, believed & He didn't let me down...He was faithful, He is faithful. She was inviting me into her life...she was sharing her life with me. My heart was overflowing down my cheeks & I joyously shared with B what the message said...my heart filled with gratefulness, with love & with an even stronger faith...faith in the power of prayer.

As I was riding back from Florida to Texas, God shared this whisper with me..."a mama who's little girl is breathing her last breath, as Jesus calls her complete & takes her Home...she's praying for a mama who's little girl has wandered away...the mama who's wandering little girl is united with another mama who's little girl is wandering, on the way to a far off respite God has predestined them for...they begin to pray for each other...God answers each prayer in His time & the little girls wandering mama finds herself on the other side of this struggle..the first part of it anyway...while the first mama is laying her child to rest & the last mama is still waiting for God's perfect timing, one mama is being reunited with her wandering little girl & celebrating her little girl marrying the man God created just for her...in the heart of the one mama...me, the enemy would love for me to question why? why did God answer my prayer this way?? What about the other mama's??? ...but God.

  

Birds of a feather...don't always flock together

This past month was the first in our new rental home. While my handsome hubby is still working on the northwest coast, he was able to come & help us get moved to the house. He had to return to work the Sunday after we got the stuff moved over, that was a hard moment...I thought. What I didn't know at the moment was that God's next plan included a much deeper knowledge of loneliness than I had EVER known in my 50 years. I probably would've never guessed what the ah ha moment would be...what the actual definition of the knowledge He was permanently etching in my heart. That it may have seemed to be about loneliness...but in the end was actually about "self preservation."

I love how my Poppa God surprises me. I can't say that I always enjoy the path getting to the surprise. Or that I always have joy, smile & say thank You Lord may I have another. No in reality most of the time I put up a struggle that would remind you of something caught in a trap that was ready to attack every thing that comes close. I fight anything that to me, may seem different, or too hard. I don't know why, God always trims away something that seems like He lifted the world right off my shoulders. Today He did just that as I sat watching the birds that stop to refill their tiny belly's at the old wooden bird feeder the last family left in the huge tree in our backyard. 

When we moved in the feeder sat empty. I don't know how long it sat empty, but it was empty for the first week I was here. I probably would've just left it that way...but every time I looked at it, I felt the urge to fill it. I remembered how much I enjoyed the feeders that my sweet hubby & little man made me at the last house. They made them out of plastic 2 liter bottles & large juice bottles with one of my wooden skewers...after they cut the point off of course. I would fill them & then sit out on the patio & enjoy watching the beautiful birds stop by to fill up before taking off. It was a very relaxing & peaceful activity for me. So off I went to the store & got a small bag of wild bird seed. It took me a few to figure out the lid just pulls straight up...in fact I just figured that out last week, a little slow I know. What I figured out really quick was the the little bag of bird seed I bought would only last 2 days...that's NOT a typo. 

Another thing I figured out is that God whispers everywhere...even in the moments of watching His simple creatures...like His birds. He has shared so much with me in the last several weeks of watching these innocent creations...all of which has led to this realization...every life He creates, is born with a "self preservation" filled heart. From the tiniest cell to the largest of His creations. We all have that instinct...we have to save ourselves...the reality of this floored me. We all want to protect ourselves. God created us this way...He wants us to choose Him...not us to pretend to choose Him. Really choose to allow Him to take control of even the smallest of details of our lives. Then because of all He is & Who He is...choose to listen & freely give Him all of our lives...every single piece of the puzzle...our tiny piece in His huge puzzle.

I have heard so many times, "God doesn't care about my ...., He has much more important things to take care of."...or this one I love...when I say "God just told me..." the person looks at me bewildered & says, "how do you know that was God?"...opens the door for God to come into the smallest of details sometimes. I believe whole heartedly that God will use whatever will get our attention, or whatever has our attention to get a word to us. Whether we are a believer or not...He will start to gently whisper through something & until He trims it all away, He will get louder & use much more literal signs. He does care about even the smallest bit of worldliness we hold onto. He knows that even that tiny piece can distract us...take our focus & trip us up. So every single piece must go.

Though we are born with the foundation of "self preservation" God wants us to allow Him to be the ONLY One we put our faith in, trust in without thinking about it. So I believe He also planted a desire for something more...more than anything in this world could EVER fill. So we start searching until we find something that seems to make us happy & fulfilled...until we find ourselves unhappy & wanting more...then we move on to the next one. Over & over again we fall victim to the distractions the enemy uses...regardless of what it is, it keeps us searching...

While watching the birds outside each day, God's shared several messages & I felt like they needed to be written down. So for the last several weeks I went old school & got out a notebook & wrote what I heard Him whispering. Today I finally got what He was trying to teach me...I can't even begin to tell you how long I have struggle with this issue...& in an instant I heard Him & knew the answer to why it's so hard to let go & let God.

Birds aren't educated, they don't live as humans do. Things that are important to me birds probably don't even notice...I don't mean things like eating, breathing, water & stuff like that...I mean how their feathers look to the pigeon next to them, or even if there's a pigeon next to them. They are focused only on the necessities of life...like living. Even though they are different, they are the same at the core...they live according to the "self preservation" built into them just like every other living creation. 

I noticed from the very beginning that just like with most people they will ease up to the wall & test the safety of the situation...because they are hungry, they will follow others. They line up on the wall...they will wait on the others to go first...they don't want to take the chance...let someone else take the chance. Then there's always one...just one, that will fly right in & land on either the feeder or the ground around where I throw the extra seeds & start to eat without even looking around to see if it's safe. It just knows there is food & it is hungry...don't get me wrong it is alert, very alert...but the empty little belly needs fed. Eventually most of the others will follow & it looks like the movie from the 60's in my backyard. 

In the beginning I noticed that they are easily distracted by fear of being hurt...but they have learned that I move around & will usually be sitting outside waiting for them. They don't understand for me it's a gift to watch them & it calms my soul...but I do. God & I have had many enlightening conversations during these quiet moments...He has taught me a lot in those moments I am still in His presence. They will fly away when the door is opened, or if I walk out in the yard...usually there is a loner that stays behind in the neighbors tree...it just watches me & when it feels safe enough it will come back & the others will watch & then follow. It's funny to me that the bigger the bird the more fear it has...the bigger birds take longer to find the food & then when they do, they take the longest to get off the wall...they go hungry sometimes because the are too afraid to just get off the wall before the door opens...or they will chase the littler birds away & stand guard so no one eats...eventually one of the littler birds will just fly past the bigger bird & eat. The others will see it's ok & follow the leader...they realize they don't have to fear the bigger bird.

It's funny that God has at times asked me to take the first step...let go of the fear holding me back & trust Him...put some action behind my words. In some of the times it was so others could see His strength & pull the blinders off someone He wants to reach...in others it was to trim away something I am holding onto...but in ALL of the times He was showing us Who He is...who we are to Him. Sometimes He wants me to stand alone, with Him only...in these moments I am finally learning that He is answering my prayers I have lifted..."dear Lord cleanse me of anything that's not like You." He is asking me if He is enough...even though my mouth may say yes...He knows my heart does not...yet. 

In this last month I have learned the definition of loneliness...I have never felt more alone. I have cried, I have raged, I have crumpled on the floor & asked why more times than I can count...when I unplugged my ears & shut my lips...my Poppa God whispered..."I will never leave you nor forsake you...I will always be here, even when I strip away the distractions, I will be here." Then the question that seems to follow that sweet whisper..."am I enough?" Each time I hear this question, I automatically say yes...I "say" yes...but I don't always live yes. I know God knows this & I am learning that this is usually the entrance to another level of our relationship...& the first step to another good trimming season.

I have many times "stood in the hallway" waiting for God to show me which way to go...honestly I have also stood in front of other doors holding them open...or keeping them closed. I struggle with change & getting in the way does make it harder...but I also have the "self preservation" gene...I want to not feel the pain, or make the choices. Many times in my life it's about moving forward...either me or who I am holding onto. God may not plan on us traveling any farther on the same path...at least for the moment. I however am comfy & will cling until it's too painful...then I will release. After I let go, God will show me...that moment is a moment I see just how mighty, powerful & loving my Poppa God is...I will understand why.

Sometimes either me or the other person is living with one foot in the world's ways & one foot in His plan. I know that this doesn't work...I also know that no amount of pressure I place on them, or how hard I try to convince them...ONLY God can change a person. I have to just keep in step with God, give them to God & keep on moving forward. Even in letting others go, I struggle with self preservation...it's easier to avoid the subjects & keep the peace, than to deal with the hurt that goes with facing what God's asking me to. 

So today when I heard Him whisper "self preservation"...I knew instantly what He has been walking me through this season...His one command...in John 15:12-14

This is my commandment: Love each other in the same way I have loved you. 13 There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. 14 You are my friends if you do what I command.

He is trimming away my instinct for "self preservation"...the instinct to choose me, before anyone else...to love me first. When I choose this instinct before choosing to be like Him, I am choosing the world before Him. He wants me to look to Him as my example...after all that's my goal, to be like Him...for others to see Him in me. The issue is that each time I choose "self preservation" others will recognize that. They will see the flaws, the dirt, the past. When I choose to put others before myself, God is glorified & He works through it all. They won't recognize this & they will look at you like you're crazy, because they are looking for a clean mirror not a dirty, broken old window...in a world full of squeaky clean mirrors, God is asking me to be a dirty, broken, flawed window...a window that with all it's broken pieces, still shines God's glory as He cleans me up & pieces me back together...He is showing others Who He is in my choice to let go of my "self preservation" He is reminding me that though the world tells me I have to be a shiny mirror, be like everyone else. Dont get me wrong, the world may say, "let's keep the peace & be the same" but the real peace comes from God & real peace doesn't look like peace in the depths of pain & sorrow, only in the surrender that follows saying yes to being the broken, dirty window, then I can see Him & His plan...He is the clean spots in me.

Is there an angel in your community???

"Loneliness is simply feeling like no one really cares about you or about your life. Loneliness very well may be the most destructive emotion of all. If satan is NOT able to trip you up with worry & fear, he will try to alienate you from healthy relationships because even satan knows the power of two!"

Carol McLeod

Just Joy Ministries

via

Holy Emotions-Biblical responses to every challenge

on YouVersion app.

I shared a very honest part of my testimony in my last blog. I feel like after just saying yes to God's prompting to share such an intimate moment, His response was IMMEDIATE...not because of my own speedy understanding, but because of His perfect timing. 

I started this wonderful devotional via my YouVersion app about 2 1/2 weeks ago...just a few days after our move. It's called "Holy Emotions-Biblical responses to every challenge." In every single one of the devotions I have read since beginning this amazing, eye opening study, I have heard a whisper from Poppa God. He will open my eyes to the areas in my life that I am living by my emotions...He shows me in the consequences I have & continue to reap, by living by my self preserving emotions...He is cleaning my heart just like I have been begging Him to do for several years...He is faithful not to leave me the same as He found me. 

So this morning God woke me up @ 6 am...I always try to go back to sleep, but when He says it's time to get up...there is NO going back to sleep. The first thing I heard was "get up now, go to first service, not 3rd." ...I wasn't ready to be up much less be ready & at church at 8 am. Since I found out we were moving I hadn't really been going to church...I went a couple of times, but pretty much I had just stopped going. So one of the things I looked at as one of the huge blessings was that there was a church right down the street. It was one I had heard of from a couple of the other churches I had attended, including the one that God finally made me realize it's about the "relationship" not a "religion." But I myself had not attended a service there. So I was a bit nervous to begin with & had built a comfort zone around going to the last service...of course my comfort zone, never seems to match where He asks me to come with Him...but I am learning that if I am NOT willing to take the steps where & when He asks me, I may miss a big part of what He wants & wants to whisper through...& those whispers ARE very important, EVERY single one...missing one may mean walking back through the same struggles, over & over again.

So after my grumbling, because I am not a morning person, I started reluctantly getting prepared, mentally & physically to go to a brand new church, without the comfort of someone I know. I actually was excited by the time I was walking out the door, only 6 minutes until it started & that would be plenty of time... that's a perk for sure. I prayed & thanked God for this & asked Him to speak a mighty word to me through this message. As I was walking up, I was literally preparing "how" to greet the greeter when my sandal hit a BUMP & I stumbled forward, leaving my shoe back at the bump...instantly I heard Him whisper, "you can be who you are & stop trying to rush ahead." I only had time to smile & say "good morning" after that. I was greeted again as I entered the worship center, this time with a program & by a sweet smile & quiet "hello." I asked if I could sit anywhere & she replied, "yes anywhere you like." 

I searched the seats in the back, but for some reason my feet kept moving & I ended up in the 3rd row. I sat down & within moments the band began. The first song was one I knew & loved. Singing praise to Poppa God is one of my favorite things to do...I am able to just completely lose myself in lifting up my hearts worship & get right in front of Him & praise from the deepest parts of me...I tend to like to stand in the back because I am an expressive worshiper & don't like to disturb others. Today however I was led forward...so there I was lost in the devotion, singing & praising...when I felt a bump into my side...

Now, I just want to preface this by saying that there were rows of empty seats & I don't like to be crowded when I am enjoying praise & worship...so when I felt that bump, the first thought in my mind was, "there's no way that someone is close enough to me to bump me, unless they know me...not with all these empty chairs." Then I opened my eyes & looked next to me to find that yes...there was a woman standing there RIGHT next to me...a woman I did NOT know...she chose to sit almost in my lap, instead of any of the other seats. I looked up & whispered, "really, really??." I could have chosen to pretend to be the perfect "Christian" woman & gushed with a "false" excitement about this, or left my REAL selfish thoughts out...but then this wouldn't be the message God wants to share & so I chose to be who He is making me which is a "Christ follower"...a broken daughter He is re-building from the inside out. Which means that the WHOLE truth.

To that Poppa replied with a tap on my shoulder from this stranger & when I turned to see what it was...she simply pointed at her back, then turned around & showed me that her dress was not zipped...which stirred my empathy for her & without hesitation, I smiled at her & reached for the zipper to help her...If you know me, you know how much I hate germs, I am the cart "cleaner" not just the handle, any part I might touch. My guys know that we wont be going in until the cart is prepared. So when I felt the dampness of her dress, that's all I could think of was "germs from sweat"...which would not have normally tried to send me into panic mode because I carry sanitizer in my purse...but I had just changed purses quickly yesterday...most everything that I carry, was in my old purse. Here is where I had a choice...I could dwell on the fact that I had no sanitizer, or I could get back to lifting praise...instantly I felt a rush of empathy & joy, so back to praise it was.

After praise, they ask everyone to hug the person next to them & tell them they are loved...I turned to her & hugged her & told her she was loved...she smiled & looked down. Then I sat down ready to hear this wonderful word I knew God had for me & I heard Him whisper, "without knowing it some have entertained angels" I felt such a joy & then all of a sudden I saw someone out of the corner of my eye headed my way on the other side...I turned to see a wonderful sister in Christ & her daughter. I stood up excited to give her a hug & told her I was surprised to see them at this church...she then told me that her son was preaching today!! I didn't even know he was a pastor.

He began to speak & I knew instantly exactly what my Poppa had for me...His message was about "perseverance" along with a very deep confirmation for me about community.

He started in Hebrews 12:1-3

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith. Because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding it's shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God's throne. Think of the hostility he endured from the sinful people; then you won't become weary and give up.

Right there, today wasn't going to be a message I had to search for...or listen for. God started right off with a wonderful reminding me that when I keep Christ as my focus...the sin will not trip me up...that EVERYWHERE we are, people are watching to see Christ in me...so if I keep my focus & keep living this testimony with joy & peace, I will get stronger...in my faith to Him. That what I am calling "a mountain" I've been dragging behind me...well that just doesn't compare to what Jesus endured...so keep moving regardless of what my emotions are telling me...recognize that it's all going to help me build my endurance & build His testimony...Don't be so easily distracted.

Then the neon arrow lit up & I heard the MIGHTY whisper...satan's plans are to ISOLATE me...he knows if he keeps me alone...then I will turn to my self-centeredness ...which makes it easier for him to tempt me & distract me...to steal my focus. This is actually one of his better plans, at least for me it is...I really do not like being alone. It can become habit very easy for me to "hide out" for long periods of time. This message today helped me to understand why I have struggled with wanting to live. It's no mistake that satan uses this against me. I've soaked in vats of self pity for years in the past...it has kept me from moving forward many times. This time, I heard God loud & clear...community is more than just "people to hang out with."

Let us hold tightly without wavering to the hope we affirm, for God can be trusted to keep His promise. Let us think of ways to motivate one another to acts of love and good works. And let us not neglect our meeting together, as some people do, but encourage one another, especially now that the day of his return is drawing near.

Hebrews 10:23-26

BOOM...there it was. His whisper...He has been working with me about being without "someone" to run to...He has met me on the floor of a torn apart closet...not because He wasn't there before, but because I had turned away & finally turned back when I hit ROCK bottom...He showed me WHO He is. Finally I understood when He lifted me up & walked me out of that closet...that I WILL NEVER BE ALONE...He will NEVER leave me...NOW He can build my circle.

A circle that won't take His place, just keep me from isolating, keep me from giving satan a malnourished playground to run rampant in. People that will live for Him first & point me to Him ALWAYS...He will be the CENTER of our relationship.

I was reminded that when you are in community with others, it's doing life...there are others He will use to speak to me & He will use me to speak to others. Where there is community there is perseverance. 

After this wonderful message I had a chance to give the sweet stranger a hug & whisper "have a blessed week." We smiled at each other & went our own way. I had a chance to chat with the sweet sister in Christ, her daughter & tell her son thank you for a great word. Thinking of the struggles she faced & feeling like I had just met a real life angel...in disguise. I headed home & remembered I hadn't read my devotion for today...I shared the beginning of today's devotion as start of this post. 

Yes, I hope you also see His NEON sign in the first several sentences He lit for me in this wonderful message...I definitely didn't miss that is exactly what He is walking me through...now. I am so grateful He is faithful to confirm His whispers...most of the time He does it pretty quickly, I just don't recognize it right away. I will say however that I couldn't shake the feeling of meeting an angel. 

For each of the devotions in this series they end with at least one Scripture that brings His word into the message...this morning after reading the devotional, they shared 2 Samuel 17:2, Matthew 18:19-20....

& finally...

Keep on loving each other as brothers and sisters. Don't forget to show hospitality to strangers, for some who have done this have entertained the angels without realizing it! Remember those in prison, as if you were there yourself. Remember also those being mistreated, as if you felt their pain in your own bodies.

Hebrews 13:1-3...

Who could miss this NEON sign...I WON'T. 

\

Are you alone???

This morning my Poppa God has been whispering such a great word in my ear. Those whispers are finding their way onto my heart...etching them for now & later. In the last several months my life has felt a lot like I was dragging a large mountain behind me...everywhere I went. I have spent many difficult moments I thought I wouldn't make it through...if I am honest, moments, days, weeks...even months I honestly was hoping NOT to make it through...I would beg God to take me then, at that exact moment...& yet here I am...still breathing, still alive, still here...

All of this brought me to rock bottom...where once again I realized Who the ROCK is...Who is there EVERY SINGLE TIME...Who NEVER FAILS me...Who NEVER LEAVES me...my Poppa God.

In this last few months I have faced a whole lot of loneliness...I have felt like I was completely alone in my life...I have seen so many people I "needed" in my life, walk away, or be taken out. Until finally one evening as I was angrily packing up the house we have lived in for almost 5 years...I walked off the path God was walking me down & ran hard into the lies the enemy was continuously screaming at me...the buttons he has ALWAYS reverted to when God is getting ready to trim away a big fat chunk of "sin" from me...who I am...loneliness. 

For a people lover like me...this can be deadly...especially when mixed with my mental illness...God walks me through these struggles...He carries me through them. It took me a long time to realize that God is just waiting...waiting for me to hand the hurt over...give Him the pieces & bury myself deep in His protection until I know He is carrying me & all I have to do is look for His plan in His whispers...then I can walk in the testimony He is building through the struggle...choose His path of peace for others to see Him. 

In the last few months I let this ALL build & build inside...believing I was in control...but finally one of the people I thought would NEVER hurt me, who understood my struggles, just like I did hers...hurt me. At the time, I was so angry for feeling the hurt. I was angry at her & eventually I turned that anger on myself...I was done. No more, I tried to talk to those around me, but they were looking at this change as a blessing, as God's next step for us...I however was keeping all my struggles close & not going to let go that easy...

One evening as I was packing, by myself again, I read something that just ripped my heart out of my chest...I reached out  to those I thought had my back...I reached out to those who said they loved me...no one was there, no one was available...I was completely alone. I wanted out, I started looking for a stash of "just in case" pills I knew I had seen previously...pills I had saved for a way out...a way out of pain, a way out of a struggle like this. I dug through EVERY single tub, box & bucket in my closet where I had seen them...I couldn't find ANY of them...I searched & searched arguing with Poppa God the entire time...yelling, crying, begging Him to let me go...I finally heard Him say..."no my princess I am not done with your testimony yet...no." I dropped to my knees sobbing, still begging for Him to take me, to stop this pain, to take it all away...I sobbed & begged for what seemed like an hour...finally the begging went from asking Him to take me, to asking Him to show me the way to His peace...to the testimony He wanted to build out of my life. 

In the time that has passed since that moment I have faced many other struggles. I cant say that I have always kept my focus, but I can say that I am grateful for the struggles, they teach me to seek Him first...not to expect others to see past their struggles, not to allow myself to place the same expectations on them as I do on my Poppa God. I know He's moving me in a new direction, one that could lead me anywhere...I am excited. I am learning to enjoy His company, not just in the moments when others let me down...but every moment. In the past I have learned on many occasions that others will let me down & I will let others down, that is just a fact of life...it's how I choose to react to these hurts that will separate me from the enemy's plans...& I will choose to focus on God & love them anyways, even from afar.

I also am learning that God will always wait...He knows who He created me to be...He only sees me complete, that's how He wants me to look at others...complete.

We got moved into a new home...one I wouldnt have chosen for us...but God chose it & I know by the blessings He's been bringing into view on a daily basis. The things I thought were His blessings at first, have turned out not to be His blessings...they are part of the struggle He is walking me through, but not one of the amazing gifts I have found in this new home. Hidden gifts like scorpions in a couple of the light fixtures I walk under on a regular basis...they remind me to let go of fear...or the broken microwave, which meant no evening treat for me, the one treat I always enjoy while watching a little tv in the evenings. I appreciate that treat a whole lot more now...or the toilets that broke a week apart...the first one was the only downstairs toilet...the first one was fixed, we have amazing management at this new home...then the other one broke, the plumber lives in another town and wasn't thrilled to have to make 2 trips out here...but the fact that things that are broken are being repaired are a blessing...and being the people person I am, I have gotten to share in praying for some others. One of the biggest gifts is the stairs...I get to climb them 20+ times a day...sometimes 3-4 times for the same thing...yes I moved farther from the gym I belong to, but can no longer use due to injury & advancing disease...I am able to continue to build strength in my body...I think the best gift I have received is the gift of being without company...I wont say being alone...because what Poppa God has reminded me of....again...is that I am NEVER alone once I choose Him. But in the lack of others being here, I am seeing the blessing of having a beautiful backyard, an old birdhouse that was once long forgotten by the birds...I filled the birdhouse...and they have found the once lost feeding spot. Which for me, means enjoying watching the birds & the joy that brings me...a joy I had forgotten about...

PEACE 

***by the way, I found EVERY single bottle of pills in not just one stash, but several stashes even some I forgot about...I prayed & lifted praise to Poppa God as I dumped EVERY pill!!! NO MORE STASHES for me...ONLY God's Grace!!!

Be strong & courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will NEVER leave you NOR forsake you."

Deuteronomy 31:6 NIV

where are You Poppa God...?

This last week I think I have been in a state of confusion...well I will say week because I could honestly go back for my life as long as I can remember anyways & find many, many more times of feeling lost & overwhelmed. But this last week, well I think I may have spent more time crying & feeling sorry for myself, than I have in a while...well maybe not a long while, maybe more like little a bit. I know God has dragged me out of this kind of chaos, kicking & screaming...or sobbing & begging, many times in the past...actually a very recent past. I recognized the signs of me choosing control again & I knew that each of these choices would feed into the chaos in some way. Yet I chose what felt good to me...even in the light of God's prompting His plan, I chose my comfort...again. I started planning my path again. A path that would bring me much worldly satisfaction. Instead of walking hand in hand with Him...I chose to let go & chose to continue on my own. 

I honestly thought I was totally prepared for anything that the ruler of this world could throw at me...I had just learned the hard way last time that becoming distracted by the desires of my heart & ignoring the work God's doing in not only me, but those I love...would cause a domino type effect in all our lives...from my Sweet Hubby down the line to my grandprincess...it would bring pain, frustration & distance. Of course I learned from my last choices, but these choices looked different...they were wrapped in new circumstances.  So it wasn't what I was looking for, not like last time.

I know one of my biggest sins is control. In my life I have always disguised this sin as anything but a sin...I never wanted to admit I was hiding a sin. The deeper Poppa God walks me into this valley...the more I'm realizing pride is at the core of it. Not like "I'm better than you" type of pride, but more of a "let me do it, I can do it better" kind of pride. 

We just moved this past weekend. Of course I'm still moving in. But we got the stuff moved from the old house to the new house. 

Change is difficult for me. Usually I resemble a toddler throwing a fit when I find out about a huge change. I lose my filter & forget to taste my words before I spit them out & definitely lose sight of them as God sees them...instead I think about myself & blow up. I get mad, then sad...then I start crying to God about this or that...then completely ignore His prompting to focus on His plan. 

In the end I realize I'm only delaying the inevitable...His perfect plan. The doors He's closing lead to doors He's opening...and when God closes a door, He ALWAYS replaces it with a better door.

While it was extremely difficult to get most of a 4 bedroom house packed up and find a home to move to in 30 days, God provided a bigger, better home for my family!!! He moved us near friends & released us from a bondage that I shared over 5 years ago would happen...I am learning that when I hear God whisper...to listen. Do not plug my ears like a toddler throwing a fit because God's plan doesn't match mine. Or when He's asking me for something not to throw a fit & stomp my feet & hold on tighter...my peace comes with letting God have control of the plan...and ALL I have to do is listen to His whispers...step out in faith, DON'T doubt God's whispers...remember Gods plan will always line up with God's word...not the ways of this world...

If I had listened & stood firm in my faith & His gift of discernment...I could've saved a lot of heartache & received the blessings He had for me...like a nice deep soaking tub...I haven't had a tub in about 6 1/2 years...in our new house He did give me that soaking tub & finally tonight I was able to enjoy it. 

In his grace, God has given us different gifts for doing certain things well. So if God has given you the ability to prophesy, speak out with as much faith as God has given you.

Romans 12:6 NLT

Beyond the storm...someone is waiting

Meanwhile, the disciples were in trouble far away from land, for a strong wind had risen, and they were fighting heavy waves. About three o’clock in the morning[a] Jesus came toward them, walking on the water. When the disciples saw him walking on the water, they were terrified. In their fear, they cried out, “It’s a ghost!” But Jesus spoke to them at once. “Don’t be afraid,” he said. “Take courage. I am here!”Then Peter called to him, “Lord, if it’s really you, tell me to come to you, walking on the water.” “Yes, come,” Jesus said. So Peter went over the side of the boat and walked on the water toward Jesus. But when he saw the strong wind and the waves, he was terrified and began to sink. “Save me, Lord!” he shouted. Jesus immediately reached out and grabbed him. “You have so little faith,” Jesus said. “Why did you doubt me?”When they climbed back into the boat, the wind stopped. Then the disciples worshiped him. “You really are the Son of God!” they exclaimed.

                                                 Matthew 14:24-33 NLT

This Mother's Day weekend is bittersweet for me. I'm walking a storm as a woman that seems to be lingering. This holiday weekend I will be blessed to celebrate the gifts Poppa God has placed perfectly in my heart...with my 2 sons. The youngest is enjoying some much needed space at a friends so far...but my oldest, the one I've grown up beside, is here with me...though I know he would much rather be celebrating with his son & his mama, one day soon...I believe. So far we've made it to the first night's release of a great super hero movie, then headed to the gym for a 45 minute workout. Then enjoyed dinner while we watched a couple of sitcoms...one that was like looking into the mirror. Which is not a good thing at times...but it is necessary...but in His true faithfulness, Poppa God wrapped that throat punch in laughter...I'm so grateful that He knows me, He sees ME through my heart...not the outside package...I see His grace. After our nourishing dinner & Him giving me some much needed heart nourishment to chew on during my workout. We worked out for an hour and a half...it was refreshing, releasing & revealing.

So this weekend there are many that will be missed...more than I can put into words. My beautiful oldest daughter is in Missouri...this summer I am hoping that Poppa God has a plan for me to get to see her beautiful face & hug her sweet self...right before I hug my oldest grandson. I need some of your example of such patience again!! You are a wonderful mommy, I am so proud of you!! You are missed my sweet girl, Happy Mother's Day to you...I love you both to the moon & back. I wont be blessed to see my youngest grandson's mama & his sister...I am currently in prayer for a plan to see y'all this summer too. J...I just want to tell you that I am so proud of all you do...you are an amazing mama!!  I miss you my girl. I love you, you are my daughter, God brought you through a gift from Him. Thank you for your patience, thank you for not holding my mistakes against me. Happy Mother's Day to you beautiful mama. I love & miss y'all more than my words could describe. My little sister is in Heaven celebrating with those moms we love that have passed on...Miss ya Sis' Happy mama's day.

There are 3 more that I am pretty sure I won't be seeing this year...my mom, my youngest daughter & her daughter, my grandprincess...in these 3 sweet names I've failed at love too many times to count. In these 3 names I loved too much...too many times to count. While they are not the ONLY names I have failed...at the moment I'm walking through what I can only describe as a continuous monsoon. I have just recently been still enough to hear what my Poppa God has been repeating for longer than I care to admit..."it's the same storm my girl, just wrapped in a different situation...it's ALWAYS the same question, Do you trust Me?" Oh my goodness, this was right in front of me since I was born. This is ALL He asks of me...to trust in Him. Really trust in Him. It's like all the pieces to a puzzle suddenly revealed themselves at one time!!  Proverbs 3:5-6 ...  Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.

I finally learned this is not negotiable...I cant pick and choose when to trust Him...He doesn't say, trust me when it's convenient, when it's easy, when you want...it says to trust Him with ALL my heart, seek His will in ALL I do & He will show me where to go. I have read this verse over the last 10 years at least...I found Jesus over 10 years ago...I just realized this in the last few days. I looked back in my mind to the bigger storms I walked through & survived...even at times when I really shouldn't have...even before I found Jesus, He was putting this puzzle together. 

So this puzzle part came together last weekend when I was blessed to hear a wonderful man of God. He was a guest speaker & God spoke a mighty word through him...He showed me the door in my current storm. This door was one I didnt want to open, mostly because I knew it would be painful...it's obedience. I've been following my emotions, that made it easier to hold onto the anger & hurt. It made it "ok" to be unforgiving...to remember all the sins of both my mother & my youngest daughter...but forget all my sins. 

I am honestly missing my mother, she was a big part of my life. I truly love her. Maybe I have some expectations of her that will never be met. Maybe I will never meet her expectations...until now I have not. This has been a struggle all of my life. I have to specifically pray about this relationship, continually. The reality is that this relationship molded the mother I am. Not that it is all bad, after all I did learn that giving is much better than receiving from my mother. Not just that many more that I hold in my heart. This Mother's Day I pray that she has a beautiful day & gets to spend it just how she would like to. I pray her pain is eased, that she makes it to hear a word from God to celebrate her Mother's Day. I know I wont be talking to her, but I will be praying for her, always. Happy Mother's Day Mom, if you see this, I hope you know I love you & lift your name to God. 

The biggest, strongest, darkest part of this storm has been the feeling of my heart being torn in half...one half that is angry with my little girl & the other that is broken...I have been lifting the part that hurts me & holding onto the part that hurts her...she is a mom this holiday too...but more than likely her sweet girl will only spend it with the moms on the other side of the family...my grandprincess wont be able to hug her mommy's neck & kiss her after telling her how much she loves her and is glad shes her mommy...she will cry. Nona will be crying too. Crying for her, crying with her & more than that I will be crying for my sweet daughter who I know is crying. I know she's crying because she is a mommy without her sweet girl. 

That is the door Poppa God is asking me to open & walk through...obeying Him as He reminds me that He loves my grandprincess more than I do...I can not believe that is possible, but it is truth...He reminds me that He has her, He has a plan for her...His plans are NEVER to harm her...but to give her hope and a future...all she has to do is seek Him. There it is...the throat punch...SHE has to seek Him. He didnt say I could seek Him for her, she has to seek Him herself. So even at barely 5 years old my sweet grandprincess is learning to obey God, though she wont understand it until later, He is teaching her to seek Him in her storms of life. When her mommy suddenly isnt home...when she doesnt hear a word from her mommy, when she cries for her mommy...Poppa God will wrap His mighty arms around my sweet grandprincess & comfort her with His peace as He gently weeps with her.

My sweet daughter will be crying too, I know her heart for being a mommy...not just any mommy the one who loves her princess with her deepest heart. I have asked myself many times over the last couple of months...why? Why would she walk away, what is her problem?? I didn't raise her to leave her princess...I have went from blaming her to blaming me...I have felt guilt so deep my groans were the only thing I could lift as I sobbed uncontrollably...in my mind screaming up to my Poppa God....WHY LORD WHY!!???? 

In the silence of His answer I hurt for my grandprincess...but in my anger I forgot that my daughter is hurting. Before she left she told me "you are just like grammy, you dont love me, you love my daughter...you dont want me, you just want my daughter"...those words have echoed in my mind every since. I have used words towards myself that I would never repeat to another person...I have blamed myself & I have blamed my daughter...but I have not thought about hurting for her...I was too busy hurting for myself...feeling sorry for me. 

During the message last weekend I got my answer...it wasnt all wrapped up with a happy ending, not for now, or maybe ever. But it was my answer...the pastor said, "if you dont obey God someone else on the other side wont get what God has for them...they will be there waiting."  The moment he spoke these words I saw my little girl waiting on the other side of a horrible storm...holding her hand up like she was waiting to be tagged in...or maybe out. Then I heard Him gently whisper, "if you dont let go of this, she will be left waiting...I have a plan for her...she will not seek me if you are in her way. Step back & love her from a distance...I got her, I love her more than you ever will, you cant save her, only I can." 

I sobbed as I surrendered my girl. I still cry at the thought of it. But my Poppa God reminds me He is always here...and there. 

So for you my little girl, Happy Mommy's Day...God gave me a Verse for you...If you are lost, God will find you. Luke 19:10...I pray your day is filled with God's will & peace. I am sorry for who I used to be...but I am not that person anymore. I am redeemed, you are too beautiful. I still pray you will reach out to hear your princess's voice this day created to celebrate the gift of being a mommy to God's sweet one...I will NEVER lose my hope that you will find your way back because I  know that ALL who wander are not lost...He has you name in His book of life, already...I love you forever & ever Amen.