All of this brought me to rock bottom...where once again I realized Who the ROCK is...Who is there EVERY SINGLE TIME...Who NEVER FAILS me...Who NEVER LEAVES me...my Poppa God.
In this last few months I have faced a whole lot of loneliness...I have felt like I was completely alone in my life...I have seen so many people I "needed" in my life, walk away, or be taken out. Until finally one evening as I was angrily packing up the house we have lived in for almost 5 years...I walked off the path God was walking me down & ran hard into the lies the enemy was continuously screaming at me...the buttons he has ALWAYS reverted to when God is getting ready to trim away a big fat chunk of "sin" from me...who I am...loneliness.
For a people lover like me...this can be deadly...especially when mixed with my mental illness...God walks me through these struggles...He carries me through them. It took me a long time to realize that God is just waiting...waiting for me to hand the hurt over...give Him the pieces & bury myself deep in His protection until I know He is carrying me & all I have to do is look for His plan in His whispers...then I can walk in the testimony He is building through the struggle...choose His path of peace for others to see Him.
In the last few months I let this ALL build & build inside...believing I was in control...but finally one of the people I thought would NEVER hurt me, who understood my struggles, just like I did hers...hurt me. At the time, I was so angry for feeling the hurt. I was angry at her & eventually I turned that anger on myself...I was done. No more, I tried to talk to those around me, but they were looking at this change as a blessing, as God's next step for us...I however was keeping all my struggles close & not going to let go that easy...
One evening as I was packing, by myself again, I read something that just ripped my heart out of my chest...I reached out to those I thought had my back...I reached out to those who said they loved me...no one was there, no one was available...I was completely alone. I wanted out, I started looking for a stash of "just in case" pills I knew I had seen previously...pills I had saved for a way out...a way out of pain, a way out of a struggle like this. I dug through EVERY single tub, box & bucket in my closet where I had seen them...I couldn't find ANY of them...I searched & searched arguing with Poppa God the entire time...yelling, crying, begging Him to let me go...I finally heard Him say..."no my princess I am not done with your testimony yet...no." I dropped to my knees sobbing, still begging for Him to take me, to stop this pain, to take it all away...I sobbed & begged for what seemed like an hour...finally the begging went from asking Him to take me, to asking Him to show me the way to His peace...to the testimony He wanted to build out of my life.
In the time that has passed since that moment I have faced many other struggles. I cant say that I have always kept my focus, but I can say that I am grateful for the struggles, they teach me to seek Him first...not to expect others to see past their struggles, not to allow myself to place the same expectations on them as I do on my Poppa God. I know He's moving me in a new direction, one that could lead me anywhere...I am excited. I am learning to enjoy His company, not just in the moments when others let me down...but every moment. In the past I have learned on many occasions that others will let me down & I will let others down, that is just a fact of life...it's how I choose to react to these hurts that will separate me from the enemy's plans...& I will choose to focus on God & love them anyways, even from afar.
I also am learning that God will always wait...He knows who He created me to be...He only sees me complete, that's how He wants me to look at others...complete.
We got moved into a new home...one I wouldnt have chosen for us...but God chose it & I know by the blessings He's been bringing into view on a daily basis. The things I thought were His blessings at first, have turned out not to be His blessings...they are part of the struggle He is walking me through, but not one of the amazing gifts I have found in this new home. Hidden gifts like scorpions in a couple of the light fixtures I walk under on a regular basis...they remind me to let go of fear...or the broken microwave, which meant no evening treat for me, the one treat I always enjoy while watching a little tv in the evenings. I appreciate that treat a whole lot more now...or the toilets that broke a week apart...the first one was the only downstairs toilet...the first one was fixed, we have amazing management at this new home...then the other one broke, the plumber lives in another town and wasn't thrilled to have to make 2 trips out here...but the fact that things that are broken are being repaired are a blessing...and being the people person I am, I have gotten to share in praying for some others. One of the biggest gifts is the stairs...I get to climb them 20+ times a day...sometimes 3-4 times for the same thing...yes I moved farther from the gym I belong to, but can no longer use due to injury & advancing disease...I am able to continue to build strength in my body...I think the best gift I have received is the gift of being without company...I wont say being alone...because what Poppa God has reminded me of....again...is that I am NEVER alone once I choose Him. But in the lack of others being here, I am seeing the blessing of having a beautiful backyard, an old birdhouse that was once long forgotten by the birds...I filled the birdhouse...and they have found the once lost feeding spot. Which for me, means enjoying watching the birds & the joy that brings me...a joy I had forgotten about...
***by the way, I found EVERY single bottle of pills in not just one stash, but several stashes even some I forgot about...I prayed & lifted praise to Poppa God as I dumped EVERY pill!!! NO MORE STASHES for me...ONLY God's Grace!!!
Be strong & courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will NEVER leave you NOR forsake you."
Deuteronomy 31:6 NIV