Saturday, May 7, 2016

Beyond the storm...someone is waiting

Meanwhile, the disciples were in trouble far away from land, for a strong wind had risen, and they were fighting heavy waves. About three o’clock in the morning[a] Jesus came toward them, walking on the water. When the disciples saw him walking on the water, they were terrified. In their fear, they cried out, “It’s a ghost!” But Jesus spoke to them at once. “Don’t be afraid,” he said. “Take courage. I am here!”Then Peter called to him, “Lord, if it’s really you, tell me to come to you, walking on the water.” “Yes, come,” Jesus said. So Peter went over the side of the boat and walked on the water toward Jesus. But when he saw the strong wind and the waves, he was terrified and began to sink. “Save me, Lord!” he shouted. Jesus immediately reached out and grabbed him. “You have so little faith,” Jesus said. “Why did you doubt me?”When they climbed back into the boat, the wind stopped. Then the disciples worshiped him. “You really are the Son of God!” they exclaimed.
                                                 Matthew 14:24-33 NLT


This Mother's Day weekend is bittersweet for me. I'm walking a storm as a woman that seems to be lingering. This holiday weekend I will be blessed to celebrate the gifts Poppa God has placed perfectly in my heart...with my 2 sons. The youngest is enjoying some much needed space at a friends so far...but my oldest, the one I've grown up beside, is here with me...though I know he would much rather be celebrating with his son & his mama, one day soon...I believe. So far we've made it to the first night's release of a great super hero movie, then headed to the gym for a 45 minute workout. Then enjoyed dinner while we watched a couple of sitcoms...one that was like looking into the mirror. Which is not a good thing at times...but it is necessary...but in His true faithfulness, Poppa God wrapped that throat punch in laughter...I'm so grateful that He knows me, He sees ME through my heart...not the outside package...I see His grace. After our nourishing dinner & Him giving me some much needed heart nourishment to chew on during my workout. We worked out for an hour and a half...it was refreshing, releasing & revealing.

So this weekend there are many that will be missed...more than I can put into words. My beautiful oldest daughter is in Missouri...this summer I am hoping that Poppa God has a plan for me to get to see her beautiful face & hug her sweet self...right before I hug my oldest grandson. I need some of your example of such patience again!! You are a wonderful mommy, I am so proud of you!! You are missed my sweet girl, Happy Mother's Day to you...I love you both to the moon & back. I wont be blessed to see my youngest grandson's mama & his sister...I am currently in prayer for a plan to see y'all this summer too. J...I just want to tell you that I am so proud of all you do...you are an amazing mama!!  I miss you my girl. I love you, you are my daughter, God brought you through a gift from Him. Thank you for your patience, thank you for not holding my mistakes against me. Happy Mother's Day to you beautiful mama. I love & miss y'all more than my words could describe. My little sister is in Heaven celebrating with those moms we love that have passed on...Miss ya Sis' Happy mama's day.

There are 3 more that I am pretty sure I won't be seeing this year...my mom, my youngest daughter & her daughter, my grandprincess...in these 3 sweet names I've failed at love too many times to count. In these 3 names I loved too much...too many times to count. While they are not the ONLY names I have failed...at the moment I'm walking through what I can only describe as a continuous monsoon. I have just recently been still enough to hear what my Poppa God has been repeating for longer than I care to admit..."it's the same storm my girl, just wrapped in a different situation...it's ALWAYS the same question, Do you trust Me?" Oh my goodness, this was right in front of me since I was born. This is ALL He asks of me...to trust in Him. Really trust in Him. It's like all the pieces to a puzzle suddenly revealed themselves at one time!!  Proverbs 3:5-6 ...  Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.
I finally learned this is not negotiable...I cant pick and choose when to trust Him...He doesn't say, trust me when it's convenient, when it's easy, when you want...it says to trust Him with ALL my heart, seek His will in ALL I do & He will show me where to go. I have read this verse over the last 10 years at least...I found Jesus over 10 years ago...I just realized this in the last few days. I looked back in my mind to the bigger storms I walked through & survived...even at times when I really shouldn't have...even before I found Jesus, He was putting this puzzle together. 

So this puzzle part came together last weekend when I was blessed to hear a wonderful man of God. He was a guest speaker & God spoke a mighty word through him...He showed me the door in my current storm. This door was one I didnt want to open, mostly because I knew it would be painful...it's obedience. I've been following my emotions, that made it easier to hold onto the anger & hurt. It made it "ok" to be unforgiving...to remember all the sins of both my mother & my youngest daughter...but forget all my sins. 

I am honestly missing my mother, she was a big part of my life. I truly love her. Maybe I have some expectations of her that will never be met. Maybe I will never meet her expectations...until now I have not. This has been a struggle all of my life. I have to specifically pray about this relationship, continually. The reality is that this relationship molded the mother I am. Not that it is all bad, after all I did learn that giving is much better than receiving from my mother. Not just that many more that I hold in my heart. This Mother's Day I pray that she has a beautiful day & gets to spend it just how she would like to. I pray her pain is eased, that she makes it to hear a word from God to celebrate her Mother's Day. I know I wont be talking to her, but I will be praying for her, always. Happy Mother's Day Mom, if you see this, I hope you know I love you & lift your name to God. 

The biggest, strongest, darkest part of this storm has been the feeling of my heart being torn in half...one half that is angry with my little girl & the other that is broken...I have been lifting the part that hurts me & holding onto the part that hurts her...she is a mom this holiday too...but more than likely her sweet girl will only spend it with the moms on the other side of the family...my grandprincess wont be able to hug her mommy's neck & kiss her after telling her how much she loves her and is glad shes her mommy...she will cry. Nona will be crying too. Crying for her, crying with her & more than that I will be crying for my sweet daughter who I know is crying. I know she's crying because she is a mommy without her sweet girl. 

That is the door Poppa God is asking me to open & walk through...obeying Him as He reminds me that He loves my grandprincess more than I do...I can not believe that is possible, but it is truth...He reminds me that He has her, He has a plan for her...His plans are NEVER to harm her...but to give her hope and a future...all she has to do is seek Him. There it is...the throat punch...SHE has to seek Him. He didnt say I could seek Him for her, she has to seek Him herself. So even at barely 5 years old my sweet grandprincess is learning to obey God, though she wont understand it until later, He is teaching her to seek Him in her storms of life. When her mommy suddenly isnt home...when she doesnt hear a word from her mommy, when she cries for her mommy...Poppa God will wrap His mighty arms around my sweet grandprincess & comfort her with His peace as He gently weeps with her.

My sweet daughter will be crying too, I know her heart for being a mommy...not just any mommy the one who loves her princess with her deepest heart. I have asked myself many times over the last couple of months...why? Why would she walk away, what is her problem?? I didn't raise her to leave her princess...I have went from blaming her to blaming me...I have felt guilt so deep my groans were the only thing I could lift as I sobbed uncontrollably...in my mind screaming up to my Poppa God....WHY LORD WHY!!???? 

In the silence of His answer I hurt for my grandprincess...but in my anger I forgot that my daughter is hurting. Before she left she told me "you are just like grammy, you dont love me, you love my daughter...you dont want me, you just want my daughter"...those words have echoed in my mind every since. I have used words towards myself that I would never repeat to another person...I have blamed myself & I have blamed my daughter...but I have not thought about hurting for her...I was too busy hurting for myself...feeling sorry for me. 

During the message last weekend I got my answer...it wasnt all wrapped up with a happy ending, not for now, or maybe ever. But it was my answer...the pastor said, "if you dont obey God someone else on the other side wont get what God has for them...they will be there waiting."  The moment he spoke these words I saw my little girl waiting on the other side of a horrible storm...holding her hand up like she was waiting to be tagged in...or maybe out. Then I heard Him gently whisper, "if you dont let go of this, she will be left waiting...I have a plan for her...she will not seek me if you are in her way. Step back & love her from a distance...I got her, I love her more than you ever will, you cant save her, only I can." 

I sobbed as I surrendered my girl. I still cry at the thought of it. But my Poppa God reminds me He is always here...and there. 

So for you my little girl, Happy Mommy's Day...God gave me a Verse for you...If you are lost, God will find you. Luke 19:10...I pray your day is filled with God's will & peace. I am sorry for who I used to be...but I am not that person anymore. I am redeemed, you are too beautiful. I still pray you will reach out to hear your princess's voice this day created to celebrate the gift of being a mommy to God's sweet one...I will NEVER lose my hope that you will find your way back because I  know that ALL who wander are not lost...He has you name in His book of life, already...I love you forever & ever Amen.