This weekend's word was one of the biggest throat punches I have had in quite awhile. Although it was powerful, it was covered in love & I heard my Poppa God whisper so many important messages in this hour...I didn't think I would get them all down. Poppa God however gave me just the right amount of time...both during worship & during the wonderful, worry releasing, mind refreshing word He spoke through a guest pastor. I've struggled to sit down & put into words exactly what He shared with me this past Saturday...I wanted to sit right down & get to work, but this week He's opened up even more through the last few days that has made me realize each time that it wasn't the right moment. The moment is finally here.
I shared last month that Little Girl had chosen not to let me be a part of her life. She is still on the Do Not Disturb list...in other words she isn't answering me, in any form. She is alive & I am glad to have this info. This last month I have gone from searching & complaining & swearing not to care...to crying, begging & finally hearing that ever faithful whisper..."let go, I have her..." This is not a new thing for me. I struggle not to live many peoples lives...not to have to control of every bit of my surroundings...of letting go of every one I love...which has chased away many people that I have cared about...some necessary, others my choice.
So Saturday the guest pastor shared a message about "obedience." This subject is always a red hot potato for those of us who have control issues...me anyways. I look at obedience as a negative state mostly because my mom is a control holder...when I grew up it was perfectly acceptable to use both anger & a weapon of some sort to punish your child...I'm not condemning or condoning, I am simply stating a fact. I will tell you that one of the things I know is that "obedience" has always had a painful, fear driving power over me. Needless to say, I was vulnerable to the enemy's reminders. This time I chose to let Poppa God have my heart & mind...I let Him teach me gently what His obedience looks like...not like the worlds...NOTHING like us or our parents, or their parents thought. Obedience is following Jesus In Matt. 7 Jesus tells us to obey His commands. Learning to let God mold & shape me, to make me what I He created me to be...long before this world was created.
See we see the obedience from others as a way to make us more acceptable to them...to them & their human beliefs, emotions & faults. That is why we fight against it so hard. We are not them. Those of us who have control issues dont have them for no reason...the truth is that I used the same parenting choices with my oldest son & praise God he has chosen a different parenting style...so in his life the cycle was ended. I know that in my past I have been every bit as much of a "control every move" parent, as I had & I honestly have to lift that up to Poppa God.
*****this was a draft...it's got a good word for me...what about you?