Friday, August 22, 2014

How far am I from the edge???

Tonight I found myself watching a touching remembrance of Robin Williams on the show "Inside the Actors Studio." I watched it with my youngest son Jr. He is about 11 1/2 years old now. I didn't know if he would have any idea who Robin Williams was. To my surprise he remembered him from a show called "the crazy ones," that was on this last year. He laughed at that show. As we watched the man that was "Robin Williams" pull an unlimited amount of funny out of his mind, we laughed from deep inside....together we laughed till tears were running down our faces. In the beginning for the same reasons, but as the tears started to stream a little more crying than laughing down my face, I could feel the pain.

You see I lost my only biological sister to suicide. She shot herself in 2002, when she was 34 years old. She was just about to become a biological grandma & she was fighting addiction as well at the time. Mostly I think she was fighting some old demons that just wouldn't let go & she had no idea all she had to do was say "get behind me demons, I belong to Christ!!!" She only knew that she was in pain & wanted it to stop...you probably wonder how I know this, well I will tell you. In detail.

First I must warn you that I will be sharing deep parts of my life with you. If you in any way wish to post negative comments, they will be deleted & you will be removed, PERIOD. This is going to be hard to read & I would prefer if you are feeling suicidal, or a desire to self harm, please DO NOT read this post. I am not a mental health worker in any form, I will simply be sharing what I feel God has given me to share, for His reasons, ALONE.

In 1984 I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder, with severe depression. I had just had my son, I was 19 & on my own. My mom was also diagnosed many years earlier with the same diagnosis. She had spent many weeks in the mental ward when I was a teenager & growing young woman. I don't have any idea how many, but I do remember that it disrupted the household each time. I remember my dad used to seem to just accept these stays, even though they seemed months at times. I remember honestly being glad she was gone because she & I fought like cats & dogs. I also remember hoping that one of those stays would send her home filled with the same love for me that she had for my little sister....one of them had to, didn't it??? So, getting this diagnosis scared me a little, because I didn't have anyone to care for my son, when I needed to be hospitalized???

Praise God the Dr. explained that he was going to try medicine to "level me out" & keep me "on an even keel." I agreed & off I went on the long, long, long road of trying every chemical known to man, or that they could come up with, to stimulate my brain into being happy & not wanting to die. Yes I said "die" & I meant it. I can remember wanting to die as early as about 6 or 7 years old. I remember just saying "please God wont you take me to heaven away from here" very seriously. I remember every moment that I had to spend with certain people, making me want to die even more....sometimes that was my own mother. Mostly because I couldn't believe she was so blind to the sexual abuse I was living in....daily. How did she not know???

Through the years, there were moments, mostly over love that went wrong, or the relationship between me & my mom, that I wanted to die. Times I plotted my death route....always playing it out in my mind & sighing with relief at the end. But, until the 17the day of March in 2007, they were just that, playing out in my mind. That day was different. That day was hard to survive.

That day was coming up on the 5th anniversary of my sister's suicide on the 24th of March. We had just gotten married, me & my hubby on the 17th of February. I had done a very inexpensive home wedding...just a few family members, and a few friends from our church. Because my hubby was a plumbers apprentice at the time, we were making a whole lot less. So I had to get very creative to make this wedding everything I wanted. I scoured over the blogs & websites for brides, looking for free or very cheap ways to host a beautiful wedding. I researched Scriptures & picked out my favorite. Got everything either free, or on deep sale somewhere. Worked my booty off to get into my favorite of the 3 dresses I had gotten. 2 were free & the last one I got for $75 on craigslist.com. It was a princess style, one of the free ones. It was covered in beads, satin, lace....I loved it.

Anyways back to one of the darkest days of my life...I had just gotten married & was experiencing this "let down." I guess it's normal?? I guess when people go through this almost "high" of planning & preparing for something, after it is over there is this period where there is a "let down" phase that most people just dart through then go on. But I have this disorder.....one that I haven't thought about for a while....I was using other things to keep me on that even keel....off my meds, AGAIN. So this "let down" phase hit me harder with each passing day. I began to start feeling like I had nothing to look forward to. I started to tell myself this. Then I started to believe it, and before I knew I was living it.

It was one evening after dinner me and my hubby were watching TV. I don't know exactly what was the deciding factor, yes actually I do, it was the lack of sleep. When I'm depressed I cant sleep. I get insomnia terribly. But I had some Ambien I had just gotten filled. A refill so I could get some sleep. While hubby and Jr watched TV I headed into the bathroom....I sat in there for a long long time. Listening to the negative hate spewing out of my own mind & mouth for myself. I started to continue the carving I was doing into my right thigh. It was the day I lost my sister I was carving into myself. Then those demons, the ones that lie & tell you that "you'd be better off dead!!"

Those voices are deafening for me at times...especially then. Then when you start remembering all the ones who love you, your hubby, kids, mom, etc...those same voices start to belittle you with things like, "oh they don't love you, they'll be better off without you!!" Then they resort to trying to chide you into it with "what are you too chicken??" Well that night, I decided to kill those voices, permanently silence them. I grabbed my new refill & headed into the bathroom. I started my bath & put sweet smelling bubbles & a bubbling ball in. I lit a candle & turned off the lights...I got into the bath with my diet coke & my refill of Ambien & laid back & began taking that refill, first a couple...then a couple more...and so on. I remember telling God "thank You for forgiving me Father." I then remember waking up in the hospital, with a stranger watching everything I did...sitting in my doorway, never leaving.

After talking to one of the nurses & my hubby I had decided to be honest & share with the Dr when he/she got there what I had tried to do. But that quickly changed after I found out that there was no place for me to go to get the help I needed. I denied the attempt to take my life & said it was an accident & refused to admit any other scenario. You see they were going to send me a couple hundred miles away from the ones I loved & wanted to get help for...to a rehab, not a mental health facility. I didn't have a drug problem, I needed to be in therapy & have my meds adjusted. Instead I agreed to go to the Psychiatrist & get back on the meds to control those thoughts & keep me on an even keel. In the years since, I have gone on & off so many different chemical compounds, been sick as a dog & bouncing off the walls. But finally I started using a natural medicinal plant extract & it is working wonderfully.

Since then I have not tried to take my own life. But if I'm honest, I would have to admit that even as recently as the last month, I've had thoughts of taking my own life. Now I just turn to my Daddy, He is right here to calm me & reassure me that His plan is not done. That is enough for me now & if my needs ever change, I trust & believe that He will have my back ALWAYS.

You see EVERYONE is facing this same battle called life. But the difference is Who we have fighting for our side.....I chose the biggest, toughest, most honest & trustworthy to fight on my side...I chose my LORD. Please if I can pray for you, or you don't have anyone on your side, let me introduce you to my Daddy, GOD.