Thursday, August 14, 2014

Before I re-enter the world...

I have shared on here on probably several occasions that I have an issue with tasting words before I spit them out...maybe not in those words, but with that meaning. God has been working on this with me for pretty much my entire  life, especially since I have made the choice to accept Jesus as my Savior. It seems that each time my Daddy decides to work on this area of me again, He starts out with letting me make my own choice & even as I'm spitting out the venomous words at someone I love very dearly, I hear Him whisper....."this, this is where I'll be trimming & shaping this time."

My Daddy loves me so much that He has NEVER followed that whisper up with an "again." He doesn't remind me that He has worked on this area more than a few times. This area is one I really want to be trimmed away completely. I tell Him I want Him to remove this sin I keep repeating, over & over. He always is so gentle in His shaping of my heart. He NEVER just rips it out, He ALWAYS wraps His trimming in His total faithfulness.

When I was growing up, a lot of times words hurt. I am not blaming my choice to use words as weapons on ANYONE. It was just a fact of life in my house as a child. My mom was raised the same way in her youth & just carried it into her parenting. I honestly don't hold any animosity towards her for this choice. I used to be very angry with her. I didn't want to forgive her because then I had someone other than myself to blame. However, if you've read my blog since the beginning, you know that my Daddy didn't want me to keep holding onto the resentment, it was eating me from the inside out. It was a struggle, I can not tell a lie, but well worth the pain is the peace I have received, His peace.

So, I was the "I have to know," "I want to have my way," "I asked why over & over." I wasn't an easy child I guess. I knew my father loved me all my life, but honestly for most of my life, I've never truly believed that my mom did. She seemed to always find something wrong with everything I did...don't we all feel this way?? Really I'm asking, because I just thought it was the way the world was. I grew up way to fast. My mom was never satisfied with me & I just wanted out of the house, no matter how.

From early on my mom was closer with my sister. She was the "easy, don't ruffle feathers" child when she was younger. My mom used corporal punishment as a discipline in our home & I was the one who "needed" the most discipline. She usually used my dad's belt. My sister really didn't get the belt very often, she had learned how to avoid it from an early age. I knew that belt. I hated that belt. I hated her for using it to hurt me with EACH syllable of every hurtful, angry word she spit at me. No matter how many times she would swing that belt down on me, I would refuse to cry, which just fueled her anger more. My little sister would say to me, "why don't you just cry, she stops when you cry??" But I told her "I'll never give her that satisfaction!!" When she wasn't using the belt to "teach" me, she used her words. I learned to feel more & more powerless & less & less worthy. At times I questioned if she loved me at all.

I think the biggest memory I have of her using words to "teach" me, was when I was in high school. My mom finally talked my dad into family therapy. We were all sitting in the Dr's office, my dad, mom, sister & me. She was talking about the problems in the family & asking what brought us. I believe I said I felt like my mom didn't love me. My mom said to her "well her dad is closer with her & I'm closer with her sister." Just as matter of factly as if that were normal. I began to live it as normal. Using my words to get my own way, using them to hurt those who hurt me, to manipulate name it, I used them. The worst way I used them, was to "train or teach" my children...

Which brings me to the subject of this blog post that my Daddy is totally sharing through me. He blessed me to be able to attend a wonderful women's retreat with some of the same amazing women from last year's in Florida & some just as amazing new sisters!! He placed me in just the place to teach me.

After an enlightening, inspiring, emotional & wonderful weekend I was feeling both excited & drained. I get a call from my hubby that irritated me was on me not him. Then I ask about coming home to a clean house. He tells me to talk to little girl cuz he wants to stay out of it. So I message her. "That house better be spotless when I get home." To which she replies, "spotless is a far cry from clean, you said clean." Immediately I sense her frustration & fly off the handle....tossing & spitting flaming, wounding words again & again...this sends her on a rant that just infuriates me more. I start making threats, I start picking at every fault she has....she just feeds in & we are off on one of those fights that the enemy just sits backs & laughs at.

She has learned to just shut down when she realizes I'm out to "win" this argument, which just makes me more & more mad. I use anything I can to hurt & manipulate her to letting me have the control I think I have, or SHOULD have. After several more messages on my part than hers, I'm drained & I go to bed.

My Daddy awakens me in the morning to a beautiful refreshing rain. I wake up thinking, "ahh what a beautiful day." Then the enemy reminds me what I did the night before. I try to push it aside & he just keeps shoving it back in my face. Finally I hear my Daddy whisper, "just lay it down & move on." This is always the hardest step for me, I don't know about you but I want to feel justified, not let go. But He has other plans, again always to give me hope & a future.

I pray to Him & I ask Him to please give me the words to say to my little girl, to apologize. He calms me & whispers, "not by text, or msg....on the phone, or in person so she can hear your voice." This always makes me argue, that I'm not wrong, etc...Then He reminds me that it doesn't matter who's right, or wrong...all that matters is that I love her & be obedient to Him if I want to be more like Him.

So, as of this moment, my Daddy has shared several truths via inspirational photos, friend's support & most importantly this Scripture....

Those who guard their lips preserve their lives, but those who speak rashly will come to ruin.
                                                                           Proverbs 13:3

This is very direct & to the rings true in my life how about yours??

Are your words giving life, or wounding those you love???

I am currently awaiting a phone call from little girl, to apologize to her. Please keep me in your prayers.