Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Dear Little Feather...

Tonight I'm finally giving into His calling & sharing a testimony that some of you may know...but many of you do not. Let me preface this by saying, I truly found out who my real friends were when God asked my little girl to do something totally against what those in the world understand. I have lost some, but kept so many others & they are worth all the loss!!!

I don't know if many of you knew that I had placed a child for adoption with a wonderful couple, at the time I didn't know it, but it was definitely a God choice. He placed them in my path at the perfect time knowing that His plan would be fulfilled for us all. I was pressured to have an abortion by someone that I looked to for good choices. She at the time thought that would be better than me trying to raise another child, or her not getting to see her grandbaby. But I held up strong against her, one of the few times I ever did, until much later in my walk with God. I knew from my first trimester that this child wasn't mine, that God created him for a specific set of parents. Not in those terms back then I truly believed in God, but more like religious than relationship. I remember the feeling of love that she just couldn't seem to give me enough of...that's when I realized that she was really grateful to me??? I was grateful for them, they were going to raise this little guy, I had done my part. When she brought him up to see me before she took him from the hospital....I received the biggest gift...I saw a proud mama, big brother & their little one...she loved him so and it was very obvious. Thank You Lord for blessing me with the task of being a birthmom, it's something I'll never regret.

I shared a small piece of my testimony so that you might understand this testimony. A while back I shared that my little girl was making a huge decision & she felt it was definitely God asking her to make it. I also shared back last year that God had allowed her to have to be accountable for her actions. That's the nice way of saying she got pregnant. I shared the shock we were in, including my little girl. I believe I also shared that she was at first strongly considering, then probably & finally definitely gonna have an abortion. During this time, many amazing sisters in Christ stood up & said I will do this, I will raise this gift from God. One stood out, I knew her in an acquaintance way, but always felt such a gentle spirit around her. She was genuine, she shared her story & offered to love our little gift forever. But little girl said, "NO I'm not you mom, I cant carry a baby full term then give it away!!!! I am not that strong!!!"  All the drama & truth that came out of that whole situation...Praise & Glory to God for He has perfect timing & the volume goes up perfectly, she chose to carry & parent the child. I'm not sure if I shared with you my feelings about that choice or not.

God has made it pretty apparent to me that one of the main gifts He chose to bless me with is discernment. I've had it all my life & up until I started learning about Christianity, I just called it a 6th sense. As I've gotten closer & closer I've learned to hear Him much sooner than before. I recognize it's Him almost instantly now...the only thing is, that seems to be for other people, not myself?? Anyways, she shared that she & mister were gonna raise all their children together...I breathed a sigh of relief. But almost immediately I heard Him saying "I have created this little one for someone in particular...she's not yours"  So during the pregnancy, they were all in the frame of mind that this new little feather would be the baby of their family. I still heard His whisper..."she's meant for a family I am preparing."

I never felt like this was a punishment, in fact just the opposite. The hardest part was letting Him lay the path & let Him whisper to little girl & mister...I am a mother!!! I wanted her to hear Him, I wanted her to get prepared...I wanted her not to be hurt. I couldn't stop her, I was doing my best to let Him have control.

Then Little Feather arrived & living arrangements were changed around. They all stayed at mister's family home for a couple weeks after she was born. Little Princess was struggling to get her mama's attention...they finally moved back home. With Princess I helped by feeding & changing her when asked...but with Little Feather, I felt no need to help more that absolutely necessary. Not that I didn't enjoy talking to her, holding her, singing etc...I just let little girl have the parenthood she wanted.

Things were hard, she was exhausted & crabby. But I could feel the reigns pulling me back, I helped her more with little princess than I did with Little Feather. One evening we had a meltdown...she was worn out, the baby was fussy, little princess wouldn't stop running around. I lost it with her for yelling at little princess...she lost it with me, I instantly lost the Christ I so strive to be more like & screamed "this is why I wanted you to choose adoption!!! Now she is here it's too late you're attached to her!!!" I hope I apologized for that, if I didn't, I am truly sorry little girl!!!

I didn't know that she was talking to a beautiful sister in Christ about possibly adopting Little feather...until the sweet mama to be messaged me to tell me that little girl had been talking about her family adopting Little Feather. I was in shock, I prayed it wasn't because of what I'd screamed at her in one of my weakest moments. I told mama to be that I would stand beside what ever little girl decided to do. All I wanted her to do was follow what God wanted her to do. Later that afternoon I was sitting outside with Little Girl & I finally just shared the message I had little girl looked down as if in shame & said "I didn't know how to tell you mom. after you said it was too late to place her, I thought it would kill you!!!" She looked up at me with tears in her eyes!! My heart ached for her, my little girl was going through all this alone, because she didn't want to disappoint me???

I told her I was happy, I truly loved mama to be & knew she would be a great mom!! That night & each night after I have prayed for this child...that she would go to the family that God created her for specifically. One night God placed the name Gentle Spirit on my heart & her story..."WHAT Lord????? What are you saying??? My sweet friend, mama to be is already talking to little girl about adopting???? NO she can NOT be hurt!!!" But He insisted this name was the one. I decided to follow His guidance & so I text little girl. I told her I knew that mama to be was going to adopt Little feather, but if anything went wrong, there was this Gentle Spirit & her message. I got a text right back that something had interrupted the decision to adopt Little feather. So mama to be & her family wouldn't be taking the little is all I can say.

Little girl sent a message with the whole story to Gentle Spirit, asking her if they would be willing to raise Little feather. I don't know the whole story there, but I know that God has made this whole plan fit perfectly together...Little Feather is with the mama & daddy she was created for & God's peace is an ocean around our house. The best part of this is knowing  & really seeing the peace Little Girl has about this decision...I told her the other night when we were enjoying the beauty of fall nights in the southwest..."you told me you weren't as strong as me. But God asked you to walk a harder path than mine...He had you see what His plan was....He made you more like Him!!"

Little Feather was almost 3 months old when she joined her forever family...yes the world tells us we should hide, or be ashamed....but God tells us "good job chosen one."

                  I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him.
                                                                1 Samuel 1:27
                        Little Girl taking Little Feather out to hand her to her mommy, Gentle Spirit
This brought tears to my eyes....God's plan coming to woman asked to carry this gift for another woman
Mommy & daughter finally united
Grateful for her family who also knows this is God's plan