It's been quite awhile since I have given in to God's leading to sit down & surrender my heart to share what I learn from Him, in hopes that even ONE person hears His whisper. So tonight I just have NO desire to either say no, or to pretend I didn't hear Him. I can feel my heart being tugged when it's something that I know I have just actually surrendered, freely given to Him because I trust Him...finally. So tonight I am ready to share something that is very painful & yet at the same time, one of the biggest gifts I have ever received...it is just that sometimes I have to dig deep to find the blessings...but they're ALWAYS there!!!
In July, Little girl, our youngest daughter, came by with her new bf. I say new, but in reality I believe they used to see each other...back when she used to go to raves & "dance" all night...when it didn't matter what I said, or did, she did exactly as she wanted to. I'm sure some of you are thinking what I used to think "my child would never do that, I wouldn't let them..." Believe me when I say, I did everything that I thought a "good" parent would. I also did everything a broken person does. Between the 2...I couldn't win.
Back then I believed I could control the situation...I couldn't force my daughter to do what I wanted, I couldn't guilt her into doing what I wanted...I couldn't SAVE her from herself...I couldn't SAVE her from herself...I CAN NOT SAVE her from herself...I CAN NOT SAVE her...ONLY GOD CAN...I CAN ONLY LOVE her where she's at & set healthy boundaries...then STAND by them & PRAY for her.
So fast forward 6-7 years later & here comes one of the people she dated & broke up with in the past, walking into my house. I really liked him, I respected his choice to put his life on the line for my freedom, not only serving in the army, but getting injured while fighting for our country. I thanked him & enjoyed a nice conversation with him & little girl.
During this conversation I learned that his beliefs about faith & mine were not the same. I wanted to understand his belief, so I asked about why he believed that way. I was glad to hear that he is a former believer...which I immediately believe gives me a reason for hope...little did I know, but I would find out very quickly that hope I had, would not only be for him, but also for my daughter...I had no idea that this would be the only conversation I would have with him, or my daughter...I have no idea if I will ever get the chance to talk to my little girl again. She walked out that day & never has looked back yet...not at me, the family....but most importantly has never looked back at her daughter, my grandprincess.
4 months later & as I sit here tonight I can finally say with a peace I can not understand, or even explain...I have finally surrendered this part of my life to God, I laid it at His feet & I have walked away. I am choosing to live in His will & letting go of my pride...I get to choose...I have to remember that my little girl also gets to choose...as much as I've fought with God over this & pleaded with Him from the depths of my heart to bring her home...she gets to choose.
My only job in this situation...is to TRUST God. So simple...well in reality because I'm human, it's not so simple...I make it difficult. I forget that He's her God too...that when she was 16 she chose to accept Jesus died for her sins & asked Him to be her Savior...that God's word is just as true today as it was yesterday & in His word He says that if we...
Direct your children onto the right path,
and when they are older, they will not leave it.
and when they are older, they will not leave it.
He also tells us to...
Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.
So, if He says to trust Him...even when my broken mama/nona heart says keep going...keep pushing...keep forcing...He says "trust Me"...then it becomes my choice...do I trust my Creator & be still? Am I going to surrender my will to His?? Am I going to step out of His way???
Finally I can say "yes Lord I surrender ALL to You..even if I never hear from my little girl again...I still surrender ALL to You & You ARE enough for me. I believe that God is her God & as MUCH as I love my beautiful daughter...He still LOVES her MORE. So I can choose to trust Him & know that through this valley...I am immersed in His peace...a peace which surpasses ALL human understanding.
Even when my sweet grandprincess cries because she wants to see her mommy & sobs that she misses her so much & maybe if she would've done more of what her mommy asked her to then she would call her or come see her again...even as the sweet prayers roll down my cheek I can be still...completely immersed in His peace...then share with my sweet grandprincess how much she is loved...by not only her nona...but more importantly her Poppa God. I can listen to her as she shares her broken 4 year old heart...whether it's her telling me...or her suddenly acting out in new ways...or even when we're getting ready to go somewhere she remembers going with her mama, when she shares with me that she's secretly hoping that her mama will be there this time...I choose to trust God & His plan. I choose God... I choose to give my words to Him & I choose to love like Him.
I continue to pray for my little girl...I believe God when He said "raise up your children to follow God & when they're older they will find their way back if they stray" (my paraphrasing) If I doubt that then how can I say I trust Him...
Finally I'm realizing that out of this pain, He's growing something wonderful...I'm finally getting to know & build trust with my grandprincess's daddy. I used to always go through my little girl to talk to him & his family...this disappearing act has forced me to surrender that pride to God & allow Him to show me how to build a relationship with them...one that's based on trust & one common goal...to love my grandprincess...this is one of the biggest blessings...one that I had to dig to find...but when I finally realized that this was a gift...then I realized there are more gifts in this struggle...I only have to keep digging through the details to find the blessings...
Little Girl, if you read this...I love you always, to the moon & back...I will always be here as long as God gives me breath...I will always be here for your beautiful princess...my grandprincess & will not stop praying for you.