Friday, January 20, 2017

" as small as a mustard seed..."

 “You don’t have enough faith,” Jesus told them. “I tell you the truth, if you had faith even as small as a mustard seed, you could say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it would move. Nothing would be impossible."

Matthew 17:20 NLT

This post has been a very long time I finally could no longer ignore His He lit a path for me & all I had to do was let go. I know I have shared with y'all  that one of my struggles is control...God isn't surprised by my weakness, in fact His mighty power shows up & shows off!!! 

So I haven't been able to see my grandprincess since October 22, 2016...I have come to be able to say this without crying now...but believe me this is something that God has had to gently show me where the peace He has for me this very painful valley. He has held me close & cupped His hands for hours of tears falling from my broken heart. One of the biggest blessings in my life, is being a Nona...I dearly love my grandprince's & grandprincess's. I haven't had the opportunity to live close enough to most of them, but love from a far is just as deep as next door. I have made the most of the times I get to see them & talk to them. My grandprincess has lived with me for most of the first 4 years of her life...then her daddy made a choice that would rock the world as we all knew it since April 27, 2011. The choice he made was his & now the choice to not let her continue to have the support & love from my is also his choice. I have learned in my life that I can make any choice I want, but the consequences are God's to make. I pray continually for my grandprincess & her daddy...I know she loves God, I know that she loves Him from deep in her heart!! That is where God placed His indescribable peace in this the knowledge that He is her God too!! I also just found my hope, in another relationship I thought would never change...but God is mighty...& God is faithful...

Recently, we were blessed by a wonderful surprise trip back to the midwest. We weren't expecting it, we had no idea that we would be taking a trip. My hubby has been laid off since October & let's just say if we didn't have a mighty God, you wouldn't be reading this right now...but God is faithful. Both our parents & our oldest daughter live there. I was honestly looking forward to seeing my dad & mom by love, also our daughter & oldest grandson...and also to meet our newest grandson who is now about 7 weeks old. I was feeling very anxious about visiting with my mom however...

Our visits have always ended in a string of hurtful words...the visits start our excited & glad to see each other because usually it has been awhile since our last "visit." But I think we are a lot alike about certain things...I know we may be on opposite sides of the subject, but we both have the same desire to be right...neither of us will let go & eventually the visit turns to a huge fight. We both seem to lose sight of the fact that we love each other...more than words could ever explain. The last time I saw my mom was Jan. 2016, when I took my youngest son with me on a roadtrip to take my mom & nephew back home. We had some struggles with the trip & we both were exhausted...that trip ended with me ordering 2 tickets home for the day after we got them home...originally we were supposed to stay a week. But because of a lack of control on both our parts, we fought & said things that hurt each other. 

After that we didn't talk for quite awhile...but eventually we started talking again. The biggest struggle I tend to have in my relationship with my mom is holding the past. My mom was only 19 when she had daddy was a submariner & he was gone a good portion of my life until he retired. So my mom, was like a single mom...but until this moment, I have never looked at it like this...I am just now realizing this truth as I write this...another path we both walked. I think at 50 years old I am still learning & very grateful to have the opportunity to learn...that we are all people & that God asks us to all walk our own path, but our paths can be similar in the things they teach us.

So on our trip back there I prayed & I hoped...but I also didn't give her the benefit of the doubt. I kept hearing God whisper "faith the size of a mustard seed..." He also kept that verse in my mind & I saw it everywhere. We were headed to her house for the first night we got there....All I can say is when I saw my mom last, she was heavier than I had seen her ever, her skin was gray, she was using a walker, when she would get up & move...she was angry & sad...I was angry. I honestly wasn't expecting any change, other than she had lost about 65 pounds since I had seen her...but God is mighty...& He is always faithful.

We pulled up & my nephew came out to meet us...I walked to the door & you could have knocked me over with a feather when I looked in the door & saw my mom was standing in the door holding it open for me!!! She was STANDING without the aide of a walker, or anything, simply in her own strength...her skin was back to the beautiful color I remember when she was happy & alive...she was tiny & her hair was beautiful, grown out & not the short style that she didn't have to take care of...she looked so full of life...she was my mom...she was just as beautiful as when she was living her life. She was making a heart was overflowing with such joy!!! I hugged her so tight, I didn't want to let her go...I don't remember the last time I felt like that when I hugged my mom. We all sat down & began to visit & hubby was exhausted from the trip so he laid down with a full belly & the boys were in the bedroom playing video games. My mom & I sat there for hours talking & sharing...I suddenly realized the difference...just like me, God was changing her from the inside!! The changes He was making on the inside...were showing on the outside...another way she & I are alike!! 

This visit just didn't seem long enough...but I did get the opportunity to tell my mom that I could really see the changes that God was making on the inside...not just the weight she had lost...but the real changes. As we drove on to my family by love's house the next day...God whispered, "don't doubt the power of prayer...even faith as small as a mustard seed!!!"