So this morning, I was awakened very early....not even 7 am. That is sooo early for me, especially when I'm the only one in a house filled to capacity that is awake. I got on my phone, had a message. It was the message I had been waiting to get. Once again, it was not was I was hoping for. It never is with this person. I know you'd think I could get it through my thick skull that this person, no matter how hard they try, can not see outside themself......which is hard for me. I think it's soooo hard because I love this person. I've tried most of life to please this person....wanted more than anything to be accepted & REALLY loved by her..........but she can't see past herself, she can't look to me & see that I am hurt, or I have any reason to hurt. Really hurt.
So, I answered this message sooooooo many times, in sooooo many ways. I let the old me answer, I let the hurt me answer, I let every part of me answer the words that were thrown at me......hurled at me......with such care these words were typed....on both sides. The difference is only one.....I didn't send mine.
I let God lead me.....He led me with this one verse. His inspiration to love. Love without words. Lately, I seem to have taken this one verse not to heart. I didn't learn to live & love the way God wants us to growing up. I learned how to hurt with my words, not love with them. This, God is teaching me. It's taking Him a while, cuz I'm stubborn. But if I let myself go....if I truly listen to His stirrings in my heart & mind, He always brings me back to REAL reality....that it doesn't matter who loves me, He always loves me. That people, no matter who they are in your life, will hurt me. It's because they are people.....we all fall short.
So, I have been up, listening to music.....the words opening my heart back up....reminding me who I am in Him, reminding me He's been walking right beside me always......music is such a way for me to calm, excite, lift myself up to God....I'm free in music. Pretty much anything I can think of can be found in at least one song....God knows me sooooo very well. He knows to calm His daughter, He simply needs to remind me I have headphones & music on my laptop, or phone....then I can lift praise to Him which brings me the most joy....EVER!!
So, after taking several attempts at answering this message.....I give into my Father & delete the final answer. I instead decide to hear His Word, His instruction, His Truth that reminds me I am redeemed, because He loved me so much He sent His only Son to die for my sins.....the times I didn't listen to His urging & everything I have chosen over Him. He asks only that we accept this Truth......and love one another.
I will not live according to the voice of my past, not hers, not mine, not anyone who isn't my Savior. Only His opinion matters, I don't have to answer to anyone else EVER. So my biggest desire is to live less me, more Him. In this one choice to delete the hateful, angry, pain filled replies I typed this morning, I am more like my Savior.......less like the world.
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