Friday, May 10, 2013

This is it.......stepping out in total faith.

So let me start off with a simple disclaimer:
This is the first time I've ever attempted to blog. But I've shared with a few of my closest friends, that I feel a calling from the LORD to share. So here I go, fumbling through like a clumsy woman trying to learn to dance. But I'm excited, nervous, and thrilled all at the same time. So, I have known for several years now, that I've been blessed with 2 gifts from God. They are Faith & Discernment. The first is something that I'm learning will test & grow, continually. The second is, well.as another, much wiser sister in Christ recently shared with me, "the gift of discernment, is a lonely road at times"....so I want everyone who decides to read my blog to know a couple of very important pieces of truth. First, I believe with every part of me, that God has a plan to use this blog, for His glory, while growing me in my relationship with Him. Second, this is me, inside my heart, these are my thoughts, feelings, messages, so please if you don't agree, that's great, but please do not judge, thanks. Also, comments are welcome, as long as they are not attacking, but positive, if something I'm sharing doesn't line up with what you think/believe, no problem, just don't use profanity, abusive language, or any names on this page, thanks all...........away we go!!!!

So, let me start with telling you a little about me. I'm a 47 year old Christian wife, mom, and Nona...others use the name grandma, grammy, etc...I chose Nona so that I'll know my grandkids when they call me, anywhere!! I am married to a very hard working, handsome, God loving man, who leads our home, the way God calls him to....he's very patient, gentle, mostly quiet man, let's call him, "Sweet Hubby." Together, we have 4 wonderful, most of the time, children. Our oldest son, we will call him "Sr" he has a son, our youngest grandson, they live about 2,000 miles away. Our oldest daughter, we will call her "Big girl", she has our oldest grandson, they live about 1500 miles away. Then there's our youngest daughter, we'll call her "little girl", she has our only grand daughter, who we will call "my princess" just for truthful purposes. Rounding out our children, is our wonderful, amazing, sweet late in life blessing, our youngest son, so we will call him "jr."  Oh let's not forget my horse, oops I mean giant Golden Retriever, named "Trinity".

So, now that we have that illustrated for you, I can really begin my first real blog.

I want to begin by sharing that I am a Christ following Christian, I'm living for Him. I was saved several years ago, but never fullly surrendered to Him and knew that I was going to Heaven, until a year or so ago. I never understood that there wasn't anything I could do, to go to Heaven. I could never be nice enough, never rich enough, never perfect enough, never help others enough, etc..until I found the church family we belong to. I learned that there was only ONE way to Heaven, and that it didn't  involve anything I did, but something that God did. John 3:16 tells us this.....God so loved us, that He gave His only son for us. Because He did this, I am now have the ability to make the choice to accept His Son, Jesus Christ, as my Savior.....that is it. Nothing else.  I wasn't raised in the church, I did attend a few Baptist churches, a Catholic church with a friend a few times, but most of my life growing up was not spent learning about Salvation, for sure. I lived for myself, most of my life. Having pre-marital sex, which led to giving birth to each of the children God blessed me with, out of wedlock. It also led to not only a tubal pregnancy, but also an adoption of a son. I do believe wholeheartedly in Pro-Life. I also believe that God had plans to bring a very special family, a very special little boy. So my decision to find a couple, and give them a son to adopt, was very positive. Never a regret. Just peace. I suffered through many years of wild cycles, before being diagnosed at 19 with Bi-Polar Disease. Then began the many years, on again, off again, of being medicated. There were so many I can't remember each one, or the names of them??? Struggled through years of addiction to meth.....the ultimate destruction of every part of your life....I lost my Daddy at the height of my addiction....broke this Daddy's girls heart into soooo many pieces! Moved several states away from my home, family, everything I ever knew.....with nothing but my kids, my dog, my car & my addiction...God brought Sweet Hubby into our lives just after the tubal pregnancy, the very moment I looked into his eyes for the first time ever, my soul told me that this was HIM.....we became friends, then we got untangled, moved in together, and became a family. We both worked so hard, at the same company, we were rolling along so well. Then my Bi-Polar kicked in and around and around we went on the crazy cycle, for a couple of years. We ended up back in my home state, in the heat of the summer living in my mom's garage with no air conditioning, on an air mattress. My only biological sibling, my sister, also struggled with the same Bi-Polar, but she was choosing to self medicate and isolate from the family, decided she couldn't keep fighting the addiction demons, the untreated mental health issues any longer. So, one crisp spring night, she loaded a 10mm handgun, with a hollowpoint bullet, put the trigger somewhere near her beautiful face, and pulled the trigger.......her Bible was found near her open, on the open page, she wrote "God please take the pain, I can't take the pain".....I pray she had Salvation. I found out I was pregnant, and Sweet Hubby (we weren't married yet) moved out, he just couldn't ride the crazy train anymore. God reached out through a cousin, we grew up very close, lived our own lives for years, but God had brought them back into our lives. They took me to my first Christian church. The part that spoke to my heart was the Worship band.....the music, singing praise to God. I sobbed through the singing and the sermon. God was tugging so very hard, but I was stubborn, so worldly, just buried deep in to selfish living, so I walked away, lost. But after having our wonderful blessing, Sweet Hubby and I reunited. Struggled through so many different situations, hardships, life.....just life. Finally, we were at a point where we had no where to turn, we saw a sign for our church....we didn't go that week.....but the next week we decided what do we have to lose??? God grabbed my heart, I felt a difference, a longing for something I knew I needed and wanted, a peace......we went several times, but then the church moved to another location. We stopped going, then we moved in the same neighborhood as them, we saw a sign.....and back we went. We went every week, we joined a small group for couples, met some amazing people. Several that were just as new to learning about Christianity as we were.....at last, at last God caught me. Sweet Hubby and I both felt God calling us to live more like Him, and get married....unite with Him as one, so we did. We were going on and off, living for God on an off for a few years. But then God used a very amazing woman in Christ to share His Truths with me, when I started attending a womans Bible study. He has waited for us many times, patiently each time.....until we come back and surrender more and more to Him! I figured out what my gifts were a few years ago, but had no idea where they were most useful, until just this month! God used each of my struggles, trials, and painful times of my life to try to get me to realize just one truth.....He created me to be complete in Him. Until I found Him, reallly found Him, by surrendering to Him, I searched for what would be enough.....never finding enough, but He is enough. I've realized that I can do anything through Him, and that He gives me strength, without Him I am nothing!!! Now I live to be a beacon for Him, I want others to see Him in me, and want to have what I have, God.

Here I am, after several months of feeling the tugging to do a blog, instead of trying to share via my facebook statuses....a mile long, He can use me to share His Truth from this woman. One path He's leading our family down is homeschooling my youngest son. This I fought long and hard, purely selfish reasons, but I fought just the same. But as usual, He was right and very kind about letting me learn this point.

I know that I may say things that cause you to feel a tinge of either guilt or conviction. The latter is ok, sorry I know I will be sand paper to other believers, and those that are meandering around His invitation to Salvation, I'm still a work in progress so please extend me God's grace. But the guilt is not from God, it's the enemy trying to make you feel unworthy, unwanted, and distract you from the Truth that God meets you where you are, whatever path you're on He can find you and guide you to a much more blessed path. Please address the enemy immediately and rebuke his tricks, let the peace of God cover you instead.

So, this is it.......I'm stepping out in total faith, and trusting God's plan to give me hope and a future, and giving Him my hands, feet, and laptop.....to use this daughter.......